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Original poster

Is it ok for bf of 1.5 years to spend time with my dd without me?

205 replies

Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 10:52

We have been together for 1.5 years. My daughter is 5 and a half and they get on really well. They always messing around. I was thinking it would be nice if he took her to the park without me to bond a little. So far everything we have done has been together. We don’t live together.

Would that be a good or bad idea?

OP posts:
elelel · 30/12/2021 19:58

I think responsible parents have enough sense to not continue with anyone who dislikes their kid.

There are many threads on this site by women who's husbands don't like their own children, so this doesn't automatically follow.

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:00

It’s ridiculous to suggest not introducing a man for 2 years. The relationship dynamic changes the instant the children are introduced, so the longer you wait, the harder it is going to be to adjust.

Harder for who?

Because the last thing a child needs is a string of men in and out of their life. Waiting means you get to know the person better and you have an idea as to whether or not there is any future with them. Doing it too soon just means if it doesn't work out it's another person walking out. The child should come first here. Always.

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:01

Too many here implying he’s a paedophile

I'm not implying anything. Just to be very clear. He could be a perfect man. He might not be. However sexual abuse isn't the only risk when introducing new partners to children. Make or female. It's important to consider all aspects.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Covidclaire · 30/12/2021 20:02

Not all of them are because the man might be 'bad', however is should be a huge consideration.

Wtf? Why on earth would anyone continue in a relationship with someone they had these kind of considerations about? If you suspect someone is “bad” you don’t just think ok then, I better not let them be alone with little Betsy. You just end it!

RevolvingPivot · 30/12/2021 20:04

@AlternativePerspective

I don't know many men who would voluntarily sit and watch cartoons with someone else's kid. My kids dad won't even do that. Maybe he's trying to impress you? or maybe he dropped off the recorder, and the GM gave him a cup of tea, meanwhile the cartoon was already on and the DD said “let’s watch the jungle book,” so while he drank his cup of tea he watched with her?

FGS why must people see sinister intent in everything?

Because this is usually the way men get to abuse children obviously.
justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 20:08

I can't believe this thread. It's honestly no wonder society is as heartless and self centred as it is.

A bloke watches a film with a child = pedo.

MN really does hit a whole new low on occasion.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 20:09

Nope he is genuinely a lovely guy, he probably got chatty to my mum and got comfortable in the chair. I did unfortunately end up in an abusive marriage and it was awful, bloody awful. Getting him out of my life was even harder. But it was my only abusive relationship and I’ve gone back with help to my childhood where it all began. It’s been a difficult journey. I met him towards the end and he has been so supportive. I can’t speak highly enough of him as a human being. He is one of kind and I have no reason at all to think there is any malice in him at all.

I was asking because I have no experience of this. No family that’s divorced and had kids or friends to look at. I was wondering what “normal” is but obviously everyone’s lives are different and there are so many “normals”.

He makes me very happy and that makes me a happy mummy. We have been through hell and he is absolutely an asset to our lives and has helped pull me back to myself. I’ve fought for 2 years in court to keep my daughter safe from her father. She is my life and the reason I left, I have scoped and watched this guy and he is just a lovely person.

So please don’t worry I’m always putting her first.

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 30/12/2021 20:13

@justustwoandmoo

I can't believe this thread. It's honestly no wonder society is as heartless and self centred as it is.

A bloke watches a film with a child = pedo.

MN really does hit a whole new low on occasion.

Obviously not but it is unusual. He could be a great guy who enjoys the dds company. We don't know.
elelel · 30/12/2021 20:15

@Covidclaire

Not all of them are because the man might be 'bad', however is should be a huge consideration.

Wtf? Why on earth would anyone continue in a relationship with someone they had these kind of considerations about? If you suspect someone is “bad” you don’t just think ok then, I better not let them be alone with little Betsy. You just end it!

You would think, wouldn't you? Unfortunately not all women do. I'm not saying this about OP because obviously the discussion has developed but it is true that often women don't spot the signs until it's too late, so if we can encourage just one person who may read this thread to consider the effect of new partners on their child then that is a good thing. There have been at least 2 threads today from women being treated appallingly by their partners but are unable to see it. If you add a child into the mix it makes it harder, not easier.

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:16

@justustwoandmoo

I can't believe this thread. It's honestly no wonder society is as heartless and self centred as it is.

A bloke watches a film with a child = pedo.

MN really does hit a whole new low on occasion.

This is not what anyone has said. You however are dismissing sensible concerns surrounding new partners and children. That's dangerous.

HogDogKetchup · 30/12/2021 20:16

I suspect if he was also a single parent taking his own child too nobody would take
issue with it, although the risk would remain the same either way.

I wouldn’t force it but if the circumstances lent themselves to it I can’t see why not - if they can have a decent relationship it will be more harmonious for everyone if you take the relationship further.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 20:18

@elelel you are spouting absolute rubbish!! That's what's being implied and you know it. People like you make me sick.

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:19

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

Nope he is genuinely a lovely guy, he probably got chatty to my mum and got comfortable in the chair. I did unfortunately end up in an abusive marriage and it was awful, bloody awful. Getting him out of my life was even harder. But it was my only abusive relationship and I’ve gone back with help to my childhood where it all began. It’s been a difficult journey. I met him towards the end and he has been so supportive. I can’t speak highly enough of him as a human being. He is one of kind and I have no reason at all to think there is any malice in him at all.

I was asking because I have no experience of this. No family that’s divorced and had kids or friends to look at. I was wondering what “normal” is but obviously everyone’s lives are different and there are so many “normals”.

He makes me very happy and that makes me a happy mummy. We have been through hell and he is absolutely an asset to our lives and has helped pull me back to myself. I’ve fought for 2 years in court to keep my daughter safe from her father. She is my life and the reason I left, I have scoped and watched this guy and he is just a lovely person.

So please don’t worry I’m always putting her first.

I just want to say OP you sound very sensible and I hope you don't think I was having a go at you at all. The idea of keeping children safe is something everyone should be on board with and I hope you understand I wasn't personally judging you, because I don't know you, and this is advice I would give generally to anyone.

Addictinsane · 30/12/2021 20:19

I'm on the fence about this, yes you need to exercise caution as she is only 5, but on the same hand, how will he ever assume a step father role if he doesn't have a bond.
However, in saying that...there have been multiple stories in the press where young children have been abused by "mum's partner"
I would just say be cautious.

Original poster
Iwannascreammerrychristmas8 · 30/12/2021 20:20

Can I just add this is the only man I have been with or introduced my daughter to. I have not nor never would introduce man after man. I had already worked him out before we started seeing each other. First relationship after abusive one so I was extremely wary but he was just him and lovely.

OP posts:
elelel · 30/12/2021 20:20

[quote justustwoandmoo]@elelel you are spouting absolute rubbish!! That's what's being implied and you know it. People like you make me sick. [/quote]

Child protection isn't rubbish? What on earth Hmm

I'm have been very clear that the risk of SA is not the only thing to consider.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 20:22

@Iwannascreammerrychristmas8

Can I just add this is the only man I have been with or introduced my daughter to. I have not nor never would introduce man after man. I had already worked him out before we started seeing each other. First relationship after abusive one so I was extremely wary but he was just him and lovely.
You don't need to justify yourself in here. You sound lovely and like you always put your daughter first. You should be proud.

Do what you feel is right xx

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:22

[quote justustwoandmoo]@elelel you are spouting absolute rubbish!! That's what's being implied and you know it. People like you make me sick. [/quote]

If I make you sick because I am posting about protecting children from possible abuse (of any kind) or disruptive in in their lives I really think you have to question yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with considering these things.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 20:23

@elelel is never ever worth arguing with your type on here. Have a lovely evening!

Colouringaddict · 30/12/2021 20:25

Been in your position exactly. Had an emergency, he had both of my DC for a couple of hours, came home to 2 children, fed, bathed and ready for bed after having the best time ever with him. Been together 30 years. Follow your instinct, but let it grow organically

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:25

[quote justustwoandmoo]@elelel is never ever worth arguing with your type on here. Have a lovely evening! [/quote]
My type? Someone who is considerate of child protection? Ok. I'm absolutely happy with that.

justustwoandmoo · 30/12/2021 20:27

@elelel 🙄🙄

Suzi888 · 30/12/2021 20:27

I don’t have suspicions of him in that way at all.…
Then why post asking if it’s a good idea or not Confused.
Not being nasty, but just seems odd that’s all.

AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2021 20:28

Because the last thing a child needs is a string of men in and out of their life. Waiting means you get to know the person better and you have an idea as to whether or not there is any future with them. Doing it too soon just means if it doesn't work out it's another person walking out. The child should come first here. Always. and who is saying that introducing a child to a bf means you will be introducing them to a string of partners?

I know people who have introduced their kids to partners early on and who have gone on to have long-term relationships, with more children, and similarly I know people who have introduced a new partner after a long time only for that relationship to end fairly soon after because the partner realised they didn’t want to be with someone with kids after all.

There are no guarantees when you introduce your kids to a new partner. No matter how long you wait.

elelel · 30/12/2021 20:31

and who is saying that introducing a child to a bf means you will be introducing them to a string of partners?

Not me. I'm saying if you introduce children to someone to soon and it doesn't work out it can happen time and time again. Let's not pretend some children don't experience this, because they do. That's not to say every person who introduced a partner early did this, often the relationship continues, however some people do and if you don't introduce them too soon you are protecting the child from this.