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Original poster

6 year old DS weeping non stop for up to an hour

210 replies

Eastie77Returns · 24/11/2021 20:28

I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong. DS (6) is bright, generally a happy lovely boy. However he frequently - I would say 2/3 times a week - dissolves into tears, cries uncontrollably for anything up to an hour and refuses point blank to communicate and say what is wrong. This has been going on for a while and my patience is now really wearing thin.

He is currently in the kitchen with DP and has been crying for about 45 mins but will not speak. In fairness I suppose there was a ‘trigger’ this evening. DP picked him up from the childminder and DS then fell asleep soon after arriving home. DP then woke him up when dinner was ready and he has been crying since so I get that he may be tired. However he is not a toddler and is capable of speaking and instead is just hysterically crying. It’s so wearing. He must be exhausted (we tried to put him back to bed) and I’m just pissed off now. I was out with DD at Brownies and if I was here I would have kept him awake to eat dinner but DP parents differently so here we are…

Anyway, there are plenty of other times when tiredness is not a factor and we get the same behaviour. Sometimes after crying for an hour he will suddenly stop and reveal what’s wrong. It’s usually something like his fork fell on the floor, I gave him the wrong coloured socksHmm.

Thank you if you’ve got this far. Does anyone with an older child recognise this behaviour? Fully expect this with a toddler but I find it frustrating with a 6 year old! He has never behaved like this with his CM or at school (both describe him as an angel)

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 24/11/2021 20:35

On this occasion, if he'd been crying for 45 mins when you posted that was a pretty late dinner for a 6 year old so it could be a combo of tiredness and hunger. Does he eat at the childminders after school, or could he have his dinner there?

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 24/11/2021 20:47

He has a substantial snack at the childminders and she says he always eats quite a bit. But this is just one situation where he has cried non stop.

There have been other times, unrelated to hunger, where we see the same behaviour.

He suddenly stopped just after I posted, ate a plate of shepherds pie and is now fine. When he was crying I asked him a dozen times if he was hungry and my question just made him cry and shriek more so I stopped. This is behaviour I would truly only expect to see in a much younger child.

OP posts:
MissMinutes24 · 24/11/2021 20:47

I would try gently taking him onto the front doorstep or garden for a couple of mins. The cold air sometimes shocks them into calming down.

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6 year olds Families
MissMinutes24 · 24/11/2021 20:48

(Obviously go with him - I'm not suggesting you put him there by himself)

Bootskates · 24/11/2021 20:48

Sounds like tiredness but is everything ok at school? Can you speak to his teacher? If DD7 has had a rough day she can cry at the drop of a hat at home and shes not a massive crier usually

KnitFastDieWarm · 24/11/2021 20:49

have you checked that every is ok at school/with him generally? I hate to bring this up but when i was a similar age and being very badly bullied i would sometimes do this, because i couldn’t communicate either shame and anxiety and fear i felt in words Sad try digging gently and check he’s ok.

Embracelife · 24/11/2021 20:50

Is dp his father?

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 24/11/2021 20:50

He sounds exhausted.
What time is he up and out in the morning and what time home?

Carboncheque · 24/11/2021 20:51

Does he carry on crying if you walk away/ignore him and carry on with other things? Does he carry on crying if you just hug him and don’t ask any questions?

Weredone · 24/11/2021 20:52

Are you sure he is very happy at the childminders? Is he being picked up quite late from there in the evening? When he is calm and happy it might be a good idea to try to ask him some probing questions about how he feels at the childminders/school? There might be something which is happening during the day that’s upsetting him but he’s still to young to fully comprehend/communicate.

Digestive28 · 24/11/2021 20:52

Don’t forget the impact of covid - so although he is six he will have missed lots of first year of school where they learn so many social skills, like how to express emotions to get needs met etc - so maybe try to consider what worked with him when he was 4/5 years

Weredone · 24/11/2021 20:53

I second this @KnitFastDieWarm - I went through some trauma and bullying at a young age and I couldn’t even communicate my upset so also did this

GreyhoundG1rl · 24/11/2021 20:54

Ah God, an hour is far too long. Is all ok at school? I'd check to make sure there are no issues there that he just doesn't want to tell you about.

Santaischeckinglists · 24/11/2021 20:54

Omg at 6 my ds usually 100 %well behaved turned into a demon if he had a 'nap', like falling asleep in the car! He actually mentioned the connection himself..
Remove him from his audience and tell him to come out of his room when he has calmed down next time.

Iggly · 24/11/2021 20:54

6 is still young. Year 1? Or 2? He’ll be tired as we get closer to Christmas.

I would talk to him at a time when he isn’t tired. If he does it, just sit with him for a bit but don’t try and extract it from him there and then.

juniorcakeoff · 24/11/2021 21:03

When you say this has gone on a while, can you remember when it started? Did anything change for him at home at that time, or did he have any illness? Is there any history of trauma or loss for him? It sounds exhausting for you and him. I would keep a diary for 2+ weeks, try and work out if there is any pattern to it.

Having said that, it is not uncommon for 6 year olds to be not great at expressing their feelings, and to bottle up little things at school that then burst out at home where he feels safe and secure. So if you can't find a pattern or work out what started it, I would think about how we can help him express his feelings in the moment; talk to school about whether they have ELSA support sessions available, get some books about difficult feelings, consider worry dolls, the glitter jars, all the usual things. Also self care for you - when he is doing the marathon crying, take the time to get yourself a cuppa, wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him up whilst you watch your phone with headphones in, anything to reduce the impact. If you feel regulated, it helps to calm and regulate him.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 24/11/2021 21:11

In answer to questions: He is in Y1. I’ve always assumed he was fine at school as he is happy to go in but I will check with his teacher as so many of you have mentioned this. Bullying didn’t even occur to me:( Last parents evening was approximately 5 minutes and his teacher just said all is fine. I know he is extremely quiet in class (was also mentioned by nursery and Reception) and is generally very shy and non communicative with people. His eye contact is poor and he speaks in a fairly flat, staccato voice if asked a direct question. On the other hand he is chatty and effusive with people he knows well.

Yes, DP is his dad.

His day is quite long Mon-Thurs. On Fridays I pick him up from school although he does have to tag along while DD goes swimming until 5.30pm.

Maybe he is just extremely tired. I don’t know how to shorten his days, DP and I both work FT and rely on our CM to do the school pick up.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 24/11/2021 21:16

Could he possibly be on the spectrum OP?
My son would be good at school and then breakdown once he got home.

Itsanothernamechange · 24/11/2021 21:16

He's tired. My DS was exactly the same. He was at school 7.30 - 4.30 and then it took about 45mins to get home. He was fine at the start of the week but i found Thursdays to be the hardest. I used to give a quick dinner i.e hoops on toast, soup even cereal and in bed for 7. It does get easier my DS is Y5 now and is fine with the hours.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 24/11/2021 21:17

Thank you Junior I will look into ELSA.

I think his school does have a programme running where students can drop in and talk to someone if they are worried about anything but not sure if it is for Y1. I think the chances of DS proactively talking about any fears or worries are practically zero though. He is vey ‘self contained’. DD will make it known if she is sad, scared etc but DS will either sit in complete silence or we get the crying marathon.

OP posts:
WakeUpLockie · 24/11/2021 21:18

Oh bless him ❤️ Hopefully it’s just tiredness. For comparison my 6 year old is year 2, we do dinner at 5, bath at 6, bed by 7, asleep by 7:30. Tonight he came back down and went up to bed at 8:30 but that’s ok and unusual. Obviously I’m not suggesting this is possible with your schedule but I’m just saying that mine would be exhausted too.

Ozanj · 24/11/2021 21:20

Is he the oldest child at the CM? My first thought is that if so she might not have the first clue what a normal portion to serve a 6 yo is.

WakeUpLockie · 24/11/2021 21:20

Also if he’s having hot meals at school, don’t bother doing a hot dinner at night! Especially with the substantial snack at childminders. Does he even need dinner after that? I’d just do bed probably.

CharlieParley · 24/11/2021 21:21

I feel for you, Eastie77Returns. Sounds pretty intense, like you're trying really hard to get him to stop crying. Very difficult to go through that, especially after a long day.

It is not all that unusual for a six-year-old to dissolve into tears and sustain that for a good while btw. Regardless of what most people think, this is age appropriate behaviour. Six year olds are still learning to regulate their emotions, and that takes time. So I would not worry about it overly much.

I don't know you or your child, so I don't know what would work for you, but I learned that staying calm myself, acknowledging my kid's feelings and letting them know that it's ok to cry when we're upset, without minimising the reason was quite helpful. I realise that his reasons seem banal to you, but they're clearly not to him. If acknowledging the upset wasn't enough, I would walk them to a quiet spot, preferably a cosy spot and give them a hug and let them know when they were ready to tell me all about it, I would be happy to listen, but until then, I would be getting on with making dinner (or whatever). That's not a magical bullet, but it was a damn sight more effective than telling them to stop crying over nothing or getting stressed out over it myself.

I used to get told to stop crying or I would get something to cry about. Thankfully times have changed and my kids learned to regulate their emotions without any of that.

Driposaurus · 24/11/2021 21:23

My five year old (Year 1)will do this. He always has, and is suspect he has something that might merit a diagnosis one day.

He has never done it at school (where he is doing very well) or nursery before then. But a little request can turn into an hour meltdown. And there’s little that can be done to stop it when it starts - it’s almost like he needs to do it and he has to burn himself out. Last week’s was because I wanted to try him a tiny taste of a vegetable on his plate he had eaten before before he had dessert. After an hour he calmed down, ate the vegetable, and had the dessert.

In the past eighteen months he has found a favourite toy, and we’ve got a weighted blanket. Both of those things can comfort him during the episode, but doesn’t seem to stop it.

Good luck…