6 year old DS weeping non stop for up to an hour

[Eastie77Returns]

I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong. DS (6) is bright, generally a happy lovely boy. However he frequently - I would say 2/3 times a week - dissolves into tears, cries uncontrollably for anything up to an hour and refuses point blank to communicate and say what is wrong. This has been going on for a while and my patience is now really wearing thin.

He is currently in the kitchen with DP and has been crying for about 45 mins but will not speak. In fairness I suppose there was a ‘trigger’ this evening. DP picked him up from the childminder and DS then fell asleep soon after arriving home. DP then woke him up when dinner was ready and he has been crying since so I get that he may be tired. However he is not a toddler and is capable of speaking and instead is just hysterically crying. It’s so wearing. He must be exhausted (we tried to put him back to bed) and I’m just pissed off now. I was out with DD at Brownies and if I was here I would have kept him awake to eat dinner but DP parents differently so here we are…

Anyway, there are plenty of other times when tiredness is not a factor and we get the same behaviour. Sometimes after crying for an hour he will suddenly stop and reveal what’s wrong. It’s usually something like his fork fell on the floor, I gave him the wrong coloured socks.

Thank you if you’ve got this far. Does anyone with an older child recognise this behaviour? Fully expect this with a toddler but I find it frustrating with a 6 year old! He has never behaved like this with his CM or at school (both describe him as an angel)

@ofwarren

Could he possibly be on the spectrum OP? My son would be good at school and then breakdown once he got home.

I’m wondering if this is the case.

He is very well behaved at school and also performing above his expected level in maths and literacy so my sense is they report zero concerns because he doesn’t present any problems.

Poor child.
Is there any way you can cut down on work one half day a week so you can focus on him and he gets a break? Either he’ll be less tired then or you might get to the bottom of what’s going on.

We have a similar set up. Both ft dh picks up on a Friday. Ds is 5 in year1- he is so tired at moment lots of tantrums. Very fearful.

I would do as others say check with school and tell his teacher what's happening. Do a chart for him- look up self regulation- see if he can start to identify his emotion and think of what to do when he feels like that. So if he chooses tired cam he choose a lay down, cuddly toy etc as a solution? Talk to him lots about feelings when hes feeling good.

My 7year old will dissolve into tears about seemingly small things when overwhelmed and tired if going through a phase of big adjustments/transitions.

Sounds like he needs a shorter day if possible or perhaps more time with you when there's no agenda. Evenings at ours are usually a rush of get home, dinner, bath, bedtime and he probably senses your frustration with him and can't articulate himself due to tiredness/overwhelm. For my DD I try to have a little wind down chat at a different time from the crying/meltdown, maybe an hour or so later when she's calm. Then she can explain what it was and I know to watch for certain triggers. Sometimes she's afraid of telling me things so I get her to write them down in a notebook or she whispers in my ear instead of telling me directly.

@Driposaurus

My five year old (Year 1)will do this. He always has, and is suspect he has something that might merit a diagnosis one day.

He has never done it at school (where he is doing very well) or nursery before then. But a little request can turn into an hour meltdown. And there’s little that can be done to stop it when it starts - it’s almost like he needs to do it and he has to burn himself out. Last week’s was because I wanted to try him a tiny taste of a vegetable on his plate he had eaten before before he had dessert. After an hour he calmed down, ate the vegetable, and had the dessert.

In the past eighteen months he has found a favourite toy, and we’ve got a weighted blanket. Both of those things can comfort him during the episode, but doesn’t seem to stop it.

Good luck…

This sounds exactly like DS. It’s as if he has to just “get it all out” for a good hour or so and then he is fine. During the crying episode it is impossible to reach him. After eating dinner today he was all smiles, played with some stickers and then got into bed as if nothing had happened.

I’m also stating to think there will be a diagnosis at some point in the future.

He sounds knackered and he's just getting overwhelmed. Probably starving this evening too. You say this has happened when unrelated to tiredness or hunger, but do you actually know that or are you just presuming? When he wants to cry don't lose patience or try to force him to talk. Just sit with him and hold him and love him. He's still very young.

Also look up masking. If ASD then masking can present as well behaved at school and meltdowns at home once "safe"

It sounds like he is exhausted and letting out all his emotions after keeping them in all day. Both of mine used to do that at times. Food, a bath or a favourite tv program sometimes helped.

OP, you said it’s a long day for him, but how long? Like another poster said, they started just giving their DC a fast dinner when he was 6 years old to try to get him bed by 7 since he had to be ready to go at 730 the next day. Your DS, at that age, is recommended to get 10-12 hours of sleep. It sounds like you’re not even starting dinner until 730 (and he still hasn’t eaten by 830), so when does he actually get to bed versus when he needs to wake up? 8 hours of sleep is nowhere near enough at that age and even adults with sleep deprivation start having either temper or crying jags over little things (like maybe lost forks or mismatched socks).

What time did he fall asleep & what time does he get up?

Maybe he just needed to be in bed & not woken up to eat!

What time does he get up and go to bed? He sounds absolutely exhausted if he's falling asleep as soon as he gets home in the evening, the poor kid.

I think it's easy to forget how exhausting full-time school is for young children, especially when you add the childminder on top of that. I'm not bashing you for that, but I think maybe you need to re-jig the evening routine a bit for him?

If he's falling straight to sleep then let him sleep.
Don't worry about a "proper" dinner - stick something in the oven while he has a bath, then dinner, then bed.
Or, if he eats at the CM, just give some toast or cereal with some warm milk.

If - and it’s an if - he does have autism it may be that the transition between school / childminder/ home / activities etc is just too much. Many children with autism struggle just getting through the school day - there’s a good analogy where they’re like a bottle of fizzy drink being shaken all day and then they get home to their safe place and let it out. My son (now aged 9) has autism and is exactly like this. It’s got easier as he’s got older but when he was little he would cry / have meltdowns all the time. (He has quite severe autism and attends a specialist school for children with autism). There is no way whatsoever he would cope with any sort of after school childcare. He would be very distressed. I know you say you both have to work but it may be that you need to completely change your jobs / hours / approach.

Mine was like this at that age. They are still very little despite looking and expecting more from them.
I’d do all the things above to check all is ok, but I wouldn’t rule out just being utterly exhausted. Life has been strange for the past 2 years, back to long days at school with their brains being taxed and exercise.

It's typical of autistic behaviour to be fine in school and then once home have an outburst of emotions or meltdown. It's like they bottle it up while in school to be socially acceptable and then let it out at home in a safer environment.

He probably doesn't have the capacity to answer questions when he's that emotional.

When he is calm and happy ask him about it. Try and get him to explain the reason to you he may just feel really tired and overwhelmed

@icedcoffees

If he's falling straight to sleep then let him sleep.
Don't worry about a "proper" dinner - stick something in the oven while he has a bath, then dinner, then bed.
Or, if he eats at the CM, just give some toast or cereal with some warm milk.*
*
This is such great advice. I do this with mine sometimes, when I can tell they're tired I just pop the telly on, nice early tea, skip the bath if I have to and get them into bed.

You're doing great OP. Spk to his teacher ref bullying just in case like you say

It sounds like he is bottling up emotions during the schoolday and when it gets too much he cries. Plus long days are tiring. How is he getting on with social aspects of school? Does he play with peers, does he have friends in class? If he's shy, he might not be joining in much at playtime and then feel excluded.

He sounds exhausted tbh

Ds1 is 6 and he gets horrendously angry if he’s tired and hungry (including hitting/kicking) - which is pretty out of character. But the combination of the 2 is just too much for him to take

Could you try giving him something to eat as soon as he gets in (pre prepare a sandwich if necessary) and just get him straight to bed?

I would definitely be wondering about ASD. He sounds very similar to how DD was at that age and she has ASD and ADHD (inattentive). His quietness at school may well mean his needs are overlooked and he may literally spend his whole day masking to try to imitate other kids' behaviour at school and bottling his feelings up. Maybe home is the only space safe enough for him to let it all out. There are various sensory processing issues associated with ASD which can lead to excessive crying in the evening too.

Definitely worth speaking to teachers and school SENCO. Hope you get some support soon.

He gets up around 7.15, school starts at 8.45. His childminder picks him up at 3.30 Mon-Thurs and then he is collected by either me or DP sometime between 5.30 - 6pm. On Wednesdays he attends swimming 5.45 - 6.15. Bedtime is usually by 8 - 8.30.

Bed by 7pm doesn’t seem feasible at the moment but I will look into shortening my working day to try and make that work. I WFH and am trapped on calls all day, it’s difficult to wrap up earlier than 5pm.

DP is from a country where it is common for kids to go to bed at 10pm or later so it’s been an uphill struggle getting him on board with putting DC to bed early.

He sounds exhausted. Earlier dinner and earlier bed. Half an hour every day will hopefully help. Your DH needs to be on board.

My eldest child was like this.
Extreme tiredness was usually the cause. DC1 needed and still needs time alone most evenings, and early nights as often as possible.

I found the 'episodes' exhausting and had little patience for them which didn't help. But tbh nothing but sleep helped and often DC1 was so worked up and overwhelmed, she couldn't sleep well and either DH or I would end up staying with her for the whole night.

She's a few years older now but they still occur when overtired.

I know he is extremely quiet in class (was also mentioned by nursery and Reception) and is generally very shy and non communicative with people. His eye contact is poor and he speaks in a fairly flat, staccato voice if asked a direct question. On the other hand he is chatty and effusive with people he knows well.

This would make me wonder about ASD, these are all things the Consultant commented on when my son was diagnosed. I would start to process of assessment sooner rather than later OP. The waiting lists are long on the NHS and it’s better for your son to know one way or the other. If he does have ASD or another diagnosis the sooner he gets support the better.

That is a very long day for a six year old. My 3 DC were up at 7.45 and in bed by 7pm at that age. With a lot more downtime after school. He needs more sleep and more time in the evenings to chill out at home.
Whether that is the entire issue, time will tell, but your Dp needs to be on board with and earlier bedtime.

Not sure if it’s at all possible but could be amuse himself at home after school if you’re working from home? Have some downtime on an iPad / games console etc whilst you work? My ds (with autism) likes to come home and completely shut down for an hour or so, he’s 9 now but has been like this since he more or less started school. He gets in and has a snack and settles himself with his iPad and watches you tube or whatever or plays on his switch (I’m at home, not working and I’m in the same room) but I know he’d much rather do that than go to a childminder if that was the option.