6 year old DS weeping non stop for up to an hour

[Eastie77Returns]

I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong. DS (6) is bright, generally a happy lovely boy. However he frequently - I would say 2/3 times a week - dissolves into tears, cries uncontrollably for anything up to an hour and refuses point blank to communicate and say what is wrong. This has been going on for a while and my patience is now really wearing thin.

He is currently in the kitchen with DP and has been crying for about 45 mins but will not speak. In fairness I suppose there was a ‘trigger’ this evening. DP picked him up from the childminder and DS then fell asleep soon after arriving home. DP then woke him up when dinner was ready and he has been crying since so I get that he may be tired. However he is not a toddler and is capable of speaking and instead is just hysterically crying. It’s so wearing. He must be exhausted (we tried to put him back to bed) and I’m just pissed off now. I was out with DD at Brownies and if I was here I would have kept him awake to eat dinner but DP parents differently so here we are…

Anyway, there are plenty of other times when tiredness is not a factor and we get the same behaviour. Sometimes after crying for an hour he will suddenly stop and reveal what’s wrong. It’s usually something like his fork fell on the floor, I gave him the wrong coloured socks.

Thank you if you’ve got this far. Does anyone with an older child recognise this behaviour? Fully expect this with a toddler but I find it frustrating with a 6 year old! He has never behaved like this with his CM or at school (both describe him as an angel)

Just saying that because I would think you asking him ‘a dozen times’ if he’s hungry and him responding by just shrieking more is really you just fuelling the fire. It might have been better just to leave him until he was calm.

“ I suppose there was a ‘trigger’ this evening. DP picked him up from the childminder and DS then fell asleep soon after arriving home. DP then woke him up when dinner was ready and he has been crying since so I get that he may be tired“

Tonight when your DS fell asleep from exhaustion after the childminder’s, then was woken up for dinner it could have been in the middle of a deep sleep cycle. Then he might have had ‘sleep inertia’ which can cause very upset feelings. I know this was just one instance when you say his crying is happening a lot, but his reaction tonight seems not un-normal.

Just as a counter to other comments, my 5 year old will often not go to sleep before 9pm and gets up between 7 and 7.30 I have tried everything but he honestly seems to only need 10 hours sleep...

I think if your boy falls asleep when he gets in, he clearly needs it, but I'm surprised that everyone thinks he has a late bedtime.

I've got a super emotional (I suspect neurodivergent but very well-behaved at school so it's not being picked up) boy too. It's hard work. I hear you.

He gets up around 7.15, school starts at 8.45. His childminder picks him up at 3.30 Mon-Thurs and then he is collected by either me or DP sometime between 5.30 - 6pm. On Wednesdays he attends swimming 5.45 - 6.15. Bedtime is usually by 8 - 8.30.

That is a very long week for a child of 6. It's longer than the normal working day. If you finish 5pm why is he not being collected until 6pm some days?

Also his only day not at childminder he is sat watching his sister swim.

You & DP both need to ask for flexible working & try to allow him some time hone straight from school.

Also you need to change the swimming slots so he's not late Thursday & then so exhausted he's getting worked up.

Hi op..haven't rtft so apologies if not useful. But my son found year 1 and 2 absolutely exhausting mentally and would often cry hysterically after I picked him up. I remember him crying so much I couldn't get him home from the childminders

He has missed two really important years of social development and is now probably being pushed hard through a curriculum that is inappropriately difficult.

I really believe the UK approach of full on formal learning at this age is cruel

Six Yr olds should be learning in a kindergarten play based environment as they do most countries in the world.

Try to think how exhausting his day is spending hours focusing listening concentrating on new rules and expectations

Anyway. Just to say it is definitely not unusual what you describe I had it with my own son

Sorry change Wednesday swimming - maybe to a weekend day - or forget about swimming for a few months.

He sounds like he is overwhelmed

My first thought from just your OP was he maybe on the spectrum, with your added comments about the way he is.
I would talk to the school and see if the special educational needs coordinator could observe him for awhile and go from there

I think it is wrong of people to suggest autism and i say that having an autistic daughter of a similar age.

This boy sounds very like my son who is neeurotypical but just found year 1 very very tiring

As others have said . Being with non parents all day is exhausting. Even on the one down time day you are taking him out to swimming. When does he get to flop with his toys adter school and just relax

Tbh I think bedtime is too late

Plenty of people/kids have that schedule but at age 6 it's too much

If you are picking him up from the CM at 5:30-6, why are you giving him dinner etc?

We used to have this and DC had school lunch. Non negotiable as CM gave a 'snack tea' (toast, sandwich etc' hence the need for full school lunch

At 6pm collection, he needs to come home, in the bath, a bit of play, stories, maybe a biscuit/cereal supper if hungry and bed by 7:30.

He's knackered

I would drop swimming for now and hive him some downtime midseek. Can you swim as a family some weekends maybe?

Does he get a bit more sleep and down time at weekends or sre these full on too?

He just sounds very tired and overwhelmed to me.

Lots of kids do cry a lot, we don't see other people's kids crying because they cry when safely at home.

Just give him a hug and be kind. Six years old is very little.

I agree with waterrat that it's a quick conclusion to come to that he's got Autism when in fact his schedule is really busy.

You are expecting too much of a 6 year old, who is still a small child (I have a six year old). He is probably exhausted.

If you finish at 5, then pick him up from the childminder straight after. Home to relax and a simple meal that can be prepared quickly e.g. pasta, beans on toast or something pre-prepared that just needs heating, and that you can have ready at 5.30/6pm. Spend some time with him reading, watching TV or a quiet game, then bath and bed by 7.30. Read him a story. Forget the swimming, or move to a weekend slot.

Ds was the same as 6 OP and fwiw I was a sahm so dropped him off and picked him up from school every day.

I'm not saying he isn't tired , he probably is, but I'm not sure all the comments about you working full time are that helpful. I'm presuming you and his dad can't just quit work at the drop of a hat!

I'd definitely drop swimming especially because it's on a Wednesday tbh. Talk to school and maybe try and have some 1:1 time with him at weekends? Even just for 1/2 hr reading/ playing a game / Lego building / going for a walk etc.

I think you are getting a bit of hard time here - very few of my friends' children had a 7 pm bedtime, more likely around 8pm. Sometimes it is simply not possible with two working parents. One of mine went to bed at 9pm and the other at 8-30 pm at this age, up at around 7-30. To me it sounds like a normal day for many kids here, where parents also commute to work.
But as others suggested, I would try having food immediately as you arrive home, something that can be quicly heated and then a calm activity- reading a book/bath, etc. One of mine just needed some time on his own, quietly playing lego or a game, the other one needed to chat and interract. Most likely your son is just tired, and having time when he can do what he wants and needs will help him relax. You could skip swimming once or twice to see if it helps, but it might not make a difference.

I would imagine he’s exhausted. As previous posters have said, your day is WAY to long. I have a large family and none of mine would have coped with the length of his days.

I think exhaustion is far more likely than autism. The behaviours OP describes are seen in the autistic population because they are overwhelmed, they aren’t “symptoms” as such.

My dd would do this, it was an intense, wailing scream like an air raid siren and would go on for hours, she couldn't speak and would suddenly snap out of it right as rain. She once screamed so much she damaged her vocal chords.

She has Autism and was processing her day. School hadn't seen any of this behaviour and it was really hard to be believed...... You're right, this isn't normal. And it's important you push to be taken seriously.

Sounds to me like he may have ASC and be masking - the release of being able to stop once he’s home, and the sudden sensory shift from the full on day might be too much for him.

I'd really try to bring bedtime forward by an hour. Our almost 8 year old is in bed by 7:30 and our 4 year old, about 7. And they get up the same time as your DS.

I work. I get it. It's bloody hard.

Also, young kids do this thing where they're fine at school but at home in their very safe space with the people who love them the most, they have to release their emotions. This is a documented behaviour. And it's not all linked to autism. Children without autism behave like this too. Worth exploring.

One of my ds' is extremely sensitive and cries randomly saying but it's a little different as he says he doesn't know why. We've talked to people with him and now I go to talks for parents with sensitive children which can help a little even if it just remindsme he finds things more difficultthan the others. The only thing I'd say is keep remembering he's so young, you said a few times about how he's not a toddler and he's not but he is still so young and they go from the playing stage of toddlerhood to being students and having a more stringent routine. Best of luck with it OP, I know it's difficult

It sounds like there's not a lot of time at home for him to play with you, or process his day at all — there's always something "important" happening. It sounds like he never gets a chance to wind down. If you have to cook, could you sit him at the kitchen table with some Playmobil or colouring or something so you can chat to him as you do it?

I'm an adult and occasionally I'll have a cry —it's usually because I'm tired, haven't eaten, and things have been building up for a few days and something small tips me over the edge. It does sound like your DS might be balanced on that edge almost constantly.

Sounds like he just needs to have a break and let it all out?

That's a long day for a little one, five days a week too. He's not sleeping enough. He needs minimum 12 hours per night.

When does he actually get to relax??

DP is from a country where it is common for kids to go to bed at 10pm or later so it’s been an uphill struggle getting him on board with putting DC to bed early.
^

Yes, but there the kids get up later too. So he needs to get on board with your child going to bed early. It's not like he's having a siesta, either