6 year old DS weeping non stop for up to an hour

[Eastie77Returns]

I’m starting to wonder if something is wrong. DS (6) is bright, generally a happy lovely boy. However he frequently - I would say 2/3 times a week - dissolves into tears, cries uncontrollably for anything up to an hour and refuses point blank to communicate and say what is wrong. This has been going on for a while and my patience is now really wearing thin.

He is currently in the kitchen with DP and has been crying for about 45 mins but will not speak. In fairness I suppose there was a ‘trigger’ this evening. DP picked him up from the childminder and DS then fell asleep soon after arriving home. DP then woke him up when dinner was ready and he has been crying since so I get that he may be tired. However he is not a toddler and is capable of speaking and instead is just hysterically crying. It’s so wearing. He must be exhausted (we tried to put him back to bed) and I’m just pissed off now. I was out with DD at Brownies and if I was here I would have kept him awake to eat dinner but DP parents differently so here we are…

Anyway, there are plenty of other times when tiredness is not a factor and we get the same behaviour. Sometimes after crying for an hour he will suddenly stop and reveal what’s wrong. It’s usually something like his fork fell on the floor, I gave him the wrong coloured socks.

Thank you if you’ve got this far. Does anyone with an older child recognise this behaviour? Fully expect this with a toddler but I find it frustrating with a 6 year old! He has never behaved like this with his CM or at school (both describe him as an angel)

Agree that 90 mins isn't that much overall. But it's the timing of it all. I suspect Saturday mornings would be better spent doing nothing at all, or nothing that involves having to be up and ready and out.

You've just mentioned the small rented flat, OP. I wonder if that's also playing a role in some way? Not that it can be helped, and it's hardly an unusual situation - but all these things can unsettle young children.

@ofwarren

Could he possibly be on the spectrum OP? My son would be good at school and then breakdown once he got home.

That is my thought too. My ASD child is withdrawn until she is comfortable and then can talk nonstop about her passions. She also masks well at school, but crashes once home... as she feels safe to be her true self.

Ok I can see I’m not going to win the swimming argument so please let’s park it.

Total drip feed but I almost drowned when I was 7 years old and the long term psychological consequences were awful.

I am not prepared to stop the swimming lessons until DS can swim.

Eastie "I will pick him up twice a week from school from next week onwards and DP can do one day so he will only be at the childminders twice a week. It’s the best I can do at the moment.. "

It's great, I reckon that will really help. 😀

Unfortunate x post
Sorry you went through that

The screaming episodes predate our move to this flat. We’ve only been here a few months.

Eastie77

That sounds like a good compromise. 2 days with the CM then you pick him up 2 days and then on a Friday his Dad picks him up (why wasn't he already doing this?)

Also a quick tea might work better early on - something easy like boiled eggs, beans on toast?

If he's quiet you might be able to work while he watches TV?

If he's coming home for some time to relax then the swimming should be fine & footie is good for them too. I agree 90 mins of exercise is fine.

I think you need to prioritise getting him home & accept you need to work later in the evening to make the time up.

I work ft as does dp and my dc are very busy but they are older (9 and 13). However when they have a really busy evening we have always made sure they eat a hot school dinner and made a packed tea for after school. Literally like making a packed lunch. They they can eat on way to their activity or get it from the fridge. It means we rarely eat as a family but does mean they manage a reasonable bedtime.

DS plays football up to 8 hours a week over 4-5 days and Dd goes to air cadets 7-9.30 2 days a week so it's fairly full on.

So I agree with you about swimming it was non negotiable for me. Both my children could properly swim by age 8.

I think you’ve been brilliant about listening. It can’t be easy. Your team must value you for this!

Sorry you had the horrible experience nearly drowning.

Good luck with your little boy.

I totally get why you want him to learn to swim but I would look into intensive small class during the holidays. My children learned to swim competently by doing an hour every morning during 2 x half term in a 2-1 lesson after what felt like years of group weekly swimming classes. Honestly, it was a total game changer. Classes were in the morning too so they weren't tired and we were all done by 11am.

Also, it's the WORST time of year for kids to be over tired. It's dark, it's cold, it's bleurgh.

I'd keep the swimming mid week but really pace back all your other evenings.

DS is 7 and is asleep by 7.30pm during the week, sometimes at 7pm at the weekend. And he's an energetic kid.

School really drains them.

One more comment : routine really is key at this age.

Dinner at 5.30 pm, chill time, bath, snack, bed by 7.30pm. Boring but reassuring for little ones.

Or swap the football for swimming at the weekend? Football isn’t really necessary and he can’t start that back up once you’re happy with his swimming.

He might even pick it up faster doing it at the weekend since he won’t be as tired after a full day. Plus you could even stay at the pool for a while after lessons so he can practice with you.

Also, don’t know if this is possible for you, but can he catch up on sleep at the weekends? Just asking as my dd is age 6 and although she’s at school now, she often still has an after lunch nap of a weekend. I think it helps her catch up on her rest and relax more since she’s always knackered around school time!

Is he getting on OK with the swimming & enjoying it?

I see you reasons & understand them, but it could possibly be more for you than him atm.

I have a number of friends who have autism, and some of them have children who are also autistic.
From what you say of your DS's behaviours, OP, these could be some indicators that would suggest a diagnosis (hyperfocus, masking, struggling to self-regulate), but equally these could simply be indicators of a shy, tired, intelligent child who is perhaps a little more sensitive.
It may be worth taking steps to scope out an early diagnosis, but also as others have said, making home a calm, safe space, and letting him know he can talk to you/DP about his day will provide reassurance and stability

Also, please don't dismiss the possibility of ASD because your childminder doesn't think this is the case. I had my concerns about one DC dismissed by multiple people including Drs, teachers, headteachers. This DC was very, very good at masking. They are were eventually diagnosed at one of the leading hospitals.

Like you, I consider swimming to be a life skill so it's really important to me that DS learned.

The only sessions for children in our local pool were either right after school around 3.30 or weekends, so we did Saturday morning lessons instead as they were the only times we were free to take him. He'd have had a good sleep, sometimes a lie in, and was recharged and ready for swimming.

I actually agree that you keep the swimming and football, exercise is important too.

Sounds like my DS who has ASD. That may not be the case for you of course. I empathize with your situation, you have had some good advice. I found it overwhelming when I first found out about the ASD and realised that I would have to change some things (including work/ childminder/after school activities) but actually once I got my head round it all, accessed it and made the changes, everything worked out. Life is a little harder for parents with kids who have additional needs (again, this may not be the case for you!) but it can be absolutely fine.

Also - regarding the crying, those without SEN or sensitive kids probably cannot fully appreciate how draining it is to have a child with difficult behaviour that you do not understand and cannot help them with. You're doing the best you can, keep going

*accepted it (not accessed)

My son who does not have ASD behaved like this because he just found year 1 and 2 very tough. The writing and reading all day not enough exercise so a horrible combination of mentally tired but not physically worn out enough. He used to fall asleep or cry a lot at school pick up it was horrible

He is 10 now and loves school and bounces out totally cheerful. It was just a horrible phase where school was pushing him too far

I think I have heard that little boys are at a particular disadvantage with the U.K. school system when they are this young - other countries start the formal teaching later though they are well prepared through other means.

I’m pretty sure you are more likely to drown if you are a swimming than non swimmer.

Your swimming argument make no sense, he’s struggling on a weekly basis now- do you not think that is causing issues?

You are projecting your own experiences and this is clouding your current issues.

He doesn't have to go to football to get exercise though.

He could go for a bike ride/walk/inliner with his family.

Or have a kick about/play ball games in the garden/park.