DH should be 42 today

[tunnocksreturns2019]

It’s not that old, is it? He died of cancer aged 37.

I’ve tried to mark it well. But my word, I miss him.

@tunnocksreturns2019

He was a slight man, not greedy, but loved good food. So he’d always debate over having steak or fish as main “because I love steak but I do really want fish, but the problem with having fish is they think you want a lighter meal, but I don’t!”

I would suggest a fish starter then steak main, which was usually what happened

This was lovely to read -and the following food story - exactly the thing that makes up the day-to-day reality of a relationship. And he sounds like my kind of (food-loving) man. I’m so sorry you’ve got to be without him.

and Un-MNetty ((hugs))

Thank you everyone for keeping me company

So sorry. It’s just so shit. Another widow here, and I’m sure people think it’s been a long time. It hasn’t to me. It feels like yesterday in many ways. So hard to love and miss someone so much who is still such a part of your life, but also always just out of reach.
I am sending you all my love

I think of you too tunnocksreturns2019 . Such a rubbish time you've had and so unfair that you are left feeling any guilt at all.

Snapping-pre-hormoners are a life hazard for all. It is amazing that the human race ever made it this far.

Was Mr Tunnocks a headlong cyclist or an occasional weekender (likely to travel with picnics and wine)? I know that this is usually regarded as a secret hobby on Mumsnet - but you can tell us in confidence.

I need to make myself go to bed soon because I’m running a big virtual event tomorrow. And elder DC will have made me feel I’ve done half a day’s work by 8am

So sorry @tunnocksreturns2019. Thinking of you and your family. 💐

Also, about the pre-teen, those years up until older teens can be so rough. We love them deeply but sometimes they can be so hard to like. At the same time we understand what a tumultuous time it is (never mind with added stress and sadness from losing someone so important).

It will all come good in the end - that phase doesn’t last forever.

Having a love like that is so so special...I have a young adult son now who lost his dad and his best friend way too young, this left him with severe anxiety, it was hard hard work through the teens, and I felt like I had failed at times, but when he was in an ok mood I loved him, and the cliche is when he was in the shitt*est of moods I loved him even more...I would have to bite my lip and count to fifty sometimes, but it IS hard.
Nowadays, I have a young calm wonderful man, who I haven't fallen out with in nearly two years now, things (hormones!?) life, it all calms down...
Sending you so much love, because it will get easier. You never stop missing them, but the burden of loss gets easier to carry. x

@Candleabra

So sorry. It’s just so shit. Another widow here, and I’m sure people think it’s been a long time. It hasn’t to me. It feels like yesterday in many ways. So hard to love and miss someone so much who is still such a part of your life, but also always just out of reach. I am sending you all my love

Yes! I don’t think people understand how much they are still part of our lives and that this isn’t a failure to move on or some sort of abnormal grief. Such an important person will be grieved greatly.

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Also, about the pre-teen, those years up until older teens can be so rough. We love them deeply but sometimes they can be so hard to like. At the same time we understand what a tumultuous time it is (never mind with added stress and sadness from losing someone so important).

It will all come good in the end - that phase doesn’t last forever.

thank you, I needed to hear this

Sorry for your loss and that you are hurting x

So sorry, OP. Your DH sounds lovely.

Do your close friends know that you want to talk about him? Because i think sometimes people find this hard to gauge, and are nervous about reminding you of the loss. Is there a way of setting aside some time to celebrate and talk about him with other adults who loved him?

You sound like a couple who loved one another dearly, and you sound like a wife and mum who did - and continues to do - her very best. And that’s enough.

Teenagers are difficult, especially if they’re hurting. Life is unfair. Grief can be unbearable. But please stop thinking you’ve somehow failed. You haven’t. There’s been no failure of effort on your part, no failure of love.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. And happy birthday to your lovely husband

@Carriecakes80

Having a love like that is so so special...I have a young adult son now who lost his dad and his best friend way too young, this left him with severe anxiety, it was hard hard work through the teens, and I felt like I had failed at times, but when he was in an ok mood I loved him, and the cliche is when he was in the shitt*est of moods I loved him even more...I would have to bite my lip and count to fifty sometimes, but it IS hard. Nowadays, I have a young calm wonderful man, who I haven't fallen out with in nearly two years now, things (hormones!?) life, it all calms down... Sending you so much love, because it will get easier. You never stop missing them, but the burden of loss gets easier to carry. x

and this. Thank you. DS has Inattentive type ADHD and is newly on meds. He hates school but I’m hearing second hand it’s going better whilst he’s there. Mornings and evenings he is mostly mean to me, possibly slightly more than before he started medication.

We fail to eat together most evenings because he is so difficult right now, but I still read aloud to the two DC together most nights even though they are now 10 and 12. So there’s that.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I wasn't around here then, but the way you speak of your lovely husband is so touching. x

I am so sorry x

Mr Tunnocks sounds delightful. I’m so sorry he’s not here with you on his birthday today

It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship and I'm so sorry that you lost your husband at such a young age.

I don't know how it feels but can only imagine how hard it has been. I don't think you failed him in any way. It is clear you loved him immensely.

Wishing you peace and calm OP

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

So sorry, OP. Your DH sounds lovely.

Do your close friends know that you want to talk about him? Because i think sometimes people find this hard to gauge, and are nervous about reminding you of the loss. Is there a way of setting aside some time to celebrate and talk about him with other adults who loved him?

No, I don’t think that’s actually what I need right now, but appreciate where you are coming from. What I feel I need is to talk at someone I don’t know once a week to download. But there’s no time for that.

Love like you had (have) is quite rare, I think and therefore all the more reason to miss it but I hope your wonderful memories of him are keeping you going in the toughest days. I do think there is comfort to the saying that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Those pre teens will no doubt turn into wonderful, protective-of-their-mum young people at some point. Just takes them a while to get there. But get there they usually do.

Ps steak every time. With a nice glass (oh go on then, bottle) of red.

Pps good luck with your event tomorrow.

I’m so sorry. Just wondering if you ever did Winston's Wish or similar, if it might help you all now?

I’m so sorry you lost him way too soon. It’s just shit.

Happy birthday to him. And big hugs to you. I bet you’re not failing, but crikey teenagers can make us feel like we are can’t they?!

I’m glad you had him and were so loved. He sounds brilliant, I love his meal planning.

Ps there’s a thread I think now in Classics about teenagers. It’s reassuringly hilarious.

Tunnocksteacakes, I hope you don't mind me calling you that, but I just wanted to let you know I remember you from a while back....
Dear God, you never let him down. Your love, bravery, and wanting to support all of your family shone through with every word.
If your much-loved DH was able to speak to you, what would he say?
For my Dad to my Mum, is would have been 'are you alright, gal?'.
But you know what those special words would be in your case.
Don't be afraid to relive those words now as they might make you very sad, but also bring you comfort.
I'm truly sorry you are having a hard time at the moment.
Don't beat yourself up about it. The very fact that you have posted confirms what a good mum you are.
I'm not a single mum for the same reasons as you, but I recognise those struggles. Your DC will come out the other side. Just keep telling them you love them (you are also allowed to tell them you don't like whatever it is they are doing! )
As I would say to my own DC, take heart my lovely, it will work itself out on the end.
You've got this, and will be ok.

Lovely Tunnocks, I remember your posts about your lovely husband and your children.
I’ve often wondered how things were going for you now.
My DH died from a brain tumour,our three children have autism they were 11 & 14 when he died in 2008.
Have you joined WAY? We found them really helpful and made friends for life.
Feel free to send me a message anytime. Stupid o’clock is when I’m usually awake.