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DH should be 42 today

184 replies

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 21:42

It’s not that old, is it? He died of cancer aged 37.

I’ve tried to mark it well. But my word, I miss him.

OP posts:
Browniegal13 · 16/11/2021 22:59

I don’t know your story but I hear you. My husband was 37 too when he died of cancer, my children 4 and 6. He should of been 47 in October. Have you joined WAY?

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 22:59

@liliainterfrutices

He sounds absolutely wonderful. But so do you and, because I truly believe that there is more than just this life, I bet he is so, so proud of you. I remember the beautiful piece you wrote just after he died about going for a walk together. Thinking of you xxx

And no, it’s not old at all and it’s so bloody, gut-wrenchingly unfair on you all.

Flowers
OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:00

@Browniegal13

I don’t know your story but I hear you. My husband was 37 too when he died of cancer, my children 4 and 6. He should of been 47 in October. Have you joined WAY?
Flowers bless you. Yes I’m a WAY member
OP posts:
EffYouSeeKaye · 16/11/2021 23:01

Tunnocks I remember you and your dh. I’ve often thought of you and how inspirational your threads were, albeit heartbreaking at the same time.

Please don’t be hard on yourself. You are brilliant. You are doing this. You are loved. Just take a moment and try to see yourself through your dh’s eyes again. I hope tomorrow is a better day. I hope you find your smile. I know it won’t always feel like this, I hope you do too. Flowers

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:01

I’m making myself go to bed now.

Truly, thank you all so much for your kindnesses and company FlowersFlowersFlowers

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 16/11/2021 23:02

I am so sorry for your loss, he sounds so lovely and a great character xxx

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 16/11/2021 23:05

@tunnocksreturns2019

I remember your threads and I'm loving reading your stories about your dh.

I'm so so sorry you are in the situation

Your thread hits me like a sudden intake of breath and reminds me to be so eternally grateful for the people and love I have around me

Let me just say though that my now grown up dd used to be an absolute asshole to me at times and it would really hurt for a while and then I would detach from it and walk away.

Don't get me wrong sometimes I'd lose it at the sheer shiftiness that would come out of her mouth but I tried my best to ignore a lot of it.

We now have a great relationship and are very close.

It will come in time ThanksThanks

Joystir59 · 16/11/2021 23:08

Oh @tunnocksreturns2019
You did deserve your delightful husband. Thank you for sharing snippets of your ordinary lovely conversations. I'm in tears because tonight I really miss my delightful wife, who I didn't deserve, who died of cancer aged 58, who stretched my heart bigger with her love. Who made me laugh until I couldn't stand it, but carried on laughing anyway. Who had my back. Who used to insist that currants were called currens, because currants were electricity, who never cared how naughty our dog was. We are so lucky to have shared their lives, our delightful loves.

BoreOfWhabylon · 16/11/2021 23:09

Tunnocks I remember in particular one post of yours about a dream you had that you and your DH were walking together. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, like a poem.

I wonder if you would like to post it again?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 16/11/2021 23:15

@BoreOfWhabylon I was just remembering that same dream, and how it moved me so much. I could picture that walk. It would be such an honor to read that again.

If you could bear to share it, @tunnocksreturns2019.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:15

@Joystir59

Oh *@tunnocksreturns2019* You did deserve your delightful husband. Thank you for sharing snippets of your ordinary lovely conversations. I'm in tears because tonight I really miss my delightful wife, who I didn't deserve, who died of cancer aged 58, who stretched my heart bigger with her love. Who made me laugh until I couldn't stand it, but carried on laughing anyway. Who had my back. Who used to insist that currants were called currens, because currants were electricity, who never cared how naughty our dog was. We are so lucky to have shared their lives, our delightful loves.
FlowersFlowersFlowers
OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:16

It's strange, I suppose, that I've imagined -numerous times - us talking it over, when it's over. Once you can think straight again, and marshall the right words for the right things out of your mouth.

You say: 'I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you through that. It's the last thing I wanted for you'. Because it's the sort of thing you would say, and pretty much did say, years ago.

And I say: 'It's not your fault. It couldn't be less your fault. And I'm sorry for the times I wasn't more patient. It was so hard.' And I squeeze your hand.

We are walking and talking in a wood, or by a river, or by a river in a wood, because that's where we often would be walking.

And we are holding hands and your hand isn't shaking, and you are walking quickly like you used to, and in a straight line. The wind is messing up my hair and sticking it to my lip balm, and you are wearing that red puffer jacket I always hated, but I don't care about either of these things.

And the low sun is shining, almost white, and sometimes getting in our eyes, and the ground feels crisp with a light frost and, although it is midwinter, it feels like a new beginning.

And we agree how relieved we are that it is all over. And how it feels like a...a great lifting of things.

And you smile at me and say 'Shall we go back to the children?' And so we do, together.

OP posts:
ghostmouse · 16/11/2021 23:16

I’m so sorry Flowers

It would have been my husbands 51st last Friday. Cancer took him also earlier in the year.

I’m also a member of WAY

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:18

I dreamt they said you might have a little longer.
We held hands, hugged, talked and talked.

I woke to our son wanting the waistband
of his school shorts adjusting,
and empty air.

OP posts:
StickyStickyStickStickSong · 16/11/2021 23:18

@tunnocksreturns2019

It's strange, I suppose, that I've imagined -numerous times - us talking it over, when it's over. Once you can think straight again, and marshall the right words for the right things out of your mouth.

You say: 'I'm so sorry. I never wanted to put you through that. It's the last thing I wanted for you'. Because it's the sort of thing you would say, and pretty much did say, years ago.

And I say: 'It's not your fault. It couldn't be less your fault. And I'm sorry for the times I wasn't more patient. It was so hard.' And I squeeze your hand.

We are walking and talking in a wood, or by a river, or by a river in a wood, because that's where we often would be walking.

And we are holding hands and your hand isn't shaking, and you are walking quickly like you used to, and in a straight line. The wind is messing up my hair and sticking it to my lip balm, and you are wearing that red puffer jacket I always hated, but I don't care about either of these things.

And the low sun is shining, almost white, and sometimes getting in our eyes, and the ground feels crisp with a light frost and, although it is midwinter, it feels like a new beginning.

And we agree how relieved we are that it is all over. And how it feels like a...a great lifting of things.

And you smile at me and say 'Shall we go back to the children?' And so we do, together.

😥 God bless you @tunnocksreturns2019 Beautiful memories to treasure forever xxx
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:18

Sometimes
I
like
to
pretend
that
you
are
working
a
long
long
way
away
and
that
one
day
you
will
come
back
and
say
“I
like
the
paint”

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:19

@ghostmouse

I’m so sorry Flowers

It would have been my husbands 51st last Friday. Cancer took him also earlier in the year.

I’m also a member of WAY

Flowers
OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:19

I’ll spam a bit more writing and then I really will go to bed GrinFlowers

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:20

If missing you was an art

If missing you was an art
I would win prizes and my creations would be hung in all the edgiest galleries in the country

If missing you was a religion
I would convert multitudes to your peaceful faith of hand tools and 'interesting things from work' all over the kitchen surfaces

If missing you was a science
I would make discoveries so significant even Richard Dawkins would stop Tweeting

If missing you was a political party
your majority would be overwhelming and laws regarding the correct way to cook steak would be in place in minutes

Missing you is a fully furnished house with you and I sat by the fire holding hands and also not sitting by the fire holding hands

Missing you is a many-sided shape I cannot put down even though it burns through my skin

Missing you is an animal I keep at home like a pet when really it is so savage it belongs in the zoo

Missing you is a language of love I talk not only to myself but to our children and families and friends

Missing you is a way of life, a calling, a vocation, a voice in the night I can't ignore

In time, let missing you be like a bird on my shoulder, flying off and lightly returning to my hand
a twig for its nest; a worm for its young.

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:21

The measure of you

I can still, holding out my hands,
Measure the exact distance
between your shoulderblades
And the drop from your neck
to your waist.

I can still feel your fingers spanning mine.
I can touch each knarl on your engineer’s hands.

I know which hole keeps your belt secure
And which of your ears is very slightly
higher than the other.

I can fathom you all
Except why you are gone.

OP posts:
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 16/11/2021 23:22

Oh Tunnocks I too thought it was you as soon as I read the title. Flowers
It's crap to have loved so much and have it ripped away too early when there are so many awful relationships. Love to you and your dc.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:23

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

Oh Tunnocks I too thought it was you as soon as I read the title. Flowers It's crap to have loved so much and have it ripped away too early when there are so many awful relationships. Love to you and your dc.
Flowers
OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 16/11/2021 23:24

To turn the big lights off.
To be kind after the fuss, and
Calm. To read.
To read, your head on my shoulder
and hers in my lap.
A lamplit cat.
A small warm hand.

OP posts:
BoreOfWhabylon · 16/11/2021 23:26
Flowers

All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.

Julian of Norwich

Monday55 · 16/11/2021 23:27

I'm really sorry for you loss 😔 Flowers