DH should be 42 today

[tunnocksreturns2019]

It’s not that old, is it? He died of cancer aged 37.

I’ve tried to mark it well. But my word, I miss him.

You are all so kind.

I failed through grumpiness and lack of grace under much strain. Sometimes I forgive myself. I was nice too, often.

It’s hard to live for 3.5 years knowing the love of your life is going to die. We planned to have another baby and maybe move house. All that normal stuff. We were only 33 then.

@OnlyJoking1

Lovely Tunnocks, I remember your posts about your lovely husband and your children. I’ve often wondered how things were going for you now. My DH died from a brain tumour,our three children have autism they were 11 & 14 when he died in 2008. Have you joined WAY? We found them really helpful and made friends for life. Feel free to send me a message anytime. Stupid o’clock is when I’m usually awake.

Bless you. Yes, I’m on WAY and have some friends from that, and from a support weekend I went on ages ago. Often feel I should be doing better now.

Bless you Tunnocks, sending tons of love.

@mineofuselessinformation

Tunnocksteacakes, I hope you don't mind me calling you that, but I just wanted to let you know I remember you from a while back.... Dear God, you never let him down. Your love, bravery, and wanting to support all of your family shone through with every word. If your much-loved DH was able to speak to you, what would he say? For my Dad to my Mum, is would have been 'are you alright, gal?'. But you know what those special words would be in your case. Don't be afraid to relive those words now as they might make you very sad, but also bring you comfort. I'm truly sorry you are having a hard time at the moment. Don't beat yourself up about it. The very fact that you have posted confirms what a good mum you are. I'm not a single mum for the same reasons as you, but I recognise those struggles. Your DC will come out the other side. Just keep telling them you love them (you are also allowed to tell them you don't like whatever it is they are doing! ) As I would say to my own DC, take heart my lovely, it will work itself out on the end. You've got this, and will be ok.

I have said this before.

But you are amazing Tunnocks

I'm sorry, @tunnocksreturns2019. It's shit isn't it? I'm nearly 3 years into widowhood and anniversaries and birthdays hit me like a train still. I went out for DH's birthday this year with DS, we had his favourite food and drinks, but it felt flat without him. for you and yours

Btw he was that rare thing on Mumsnet - a cyclist who never shirked childcare and when I first met him he drove a very old, red BMW and confused fellow drivers by being utterly courteous.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners

I'm sorry, *@tunnocksreturns2019*. It's shit isn't it? I'm nearly 3 years into widowhood and anniversaries and birthdays hit me like a train still. I went out for DH's birthday this year with DS, we had his favourite food and drinks, but it felt flat without him. for you and yours

I’d love to tell you it’s all hunkydory at nearly five years in 😬 - it’s just not! Much love.

@tunnocksreturns2019

I’m sure so many people think nearly five years is forever. But ‘moving on’ isn’t really a thing when your kids don’t get another Daddy.

We are five years on and I still can’t believe that our lad has gone tbh. Time is nothing. You say you fail, but is there really any failure when you’re just plugging away, doing your best? X

It will all come good in the end - that phase doesn’t last forever.

And this, with bells on! I thought I might not survive my son’s teenage years - when you’re in it you can’t imagine a time when you won’t have that bubbling mix of frustration and anxiety in the pit of your stomach - but all of a sudden they grow up and somehow become rational and considerate and nice to be around. And they do appreciate the hard yards you put in at the coalface when they were younger, so hang in there. It’s worth it.

By chance it’s my lovely husband’s 42nd birthday today and I know I’d be lost without him.

I can’t imagine how tough these last years must have been for you. Sending you all the love in the world.

So very sorry.Life is so unfair.

My son has the same condition as yours, btw. Early diagnosis and meds will be a big help to you in the long run x

I'm so sorry Tunnocks. I lost my beloved mum in 2016 and I miss her as much now as I did then. She's not gone for me, she's just not here in the same way. Like you I hate people using the past tense, my relationship with her is as important as ever. I talk about her in the present tense. I worry my kids won't remember her but I try to keep her alive in their minds.

I'm sorry about your eldest. My eldest has come out of the difficult period, just as my youngest is entering it -- as others have said, it's a phase, it will pass, you just have to grit your teeth and carry out. If you had DH right there with you, it would be easier. The problem is you have the loss and the pre-teen phase both to deal with.

This is corny I know, but self-care where you can. Be gentle to yourself not hard on yourself if you can train yourself to do it. You're on a path you didn't anticipate, and there are some twisty bits (no-one believes their child will be so mean to them, it's always a shock), but the path will be easier once this phase calms down, and easier with the other kids because you're ready for it.

Hugs.

Birthdays are painful. My DH should have been 50 this year. I couldn't face his friend's 50th parties, much too painful.
The thing about grief is there's always something new they are missing, big events etc
My DS is making choices about leaving school etc and I'm lost without my DH.
Six years on here. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, I bet you are too

Oh lord, grace? You did so much, and do so much, nobody expects you to do it all with grace. You really must be kinder to yourself!

I remember your threads so well, and I am always a bit relieved when I see you pop up every now and again. You so clearly have given your children a brilliant example of what a happy marriage and family life should be.

Is online counselling something you could do, just to have a stranger to dump your thoughts on? I know there are plenty of apps and websites now.

@ChinstrapBobblehat

My son has the same condition as yours, btw. Early diagnosis and meds will be a big help to you in the long run x

Thank you wishing we’d got there earlier but better at 12 than later as you say. Yes the frustration and anxiety is immense! DD currently an absolute poppet thankfully (though of course I get accused of favouritism because she isn’t constantly spoiling for a fight).

I remember you and him too, thanks for sharing your love for him again. It is beastly and you’re right, you don’t move on but you are carrying on x

He sounds absolutely wonderful. But so do you and, because I truly believe that there is more than just this life, I bet he is so, so proud of you. I remember the beautiful piece you wrote just after he died about going for a walk together. Thinking of you xxx

And no, it’s not old at all and it’s so bloody, gut-wrenchingly unfair on you all.

Thank you, anotheronenow

@Hellenbach

Birthdays are painful. My DH should have been 50 this year. I couldn't face his friend's 50th parties, much too painful. The thing about grief is there's always something new they are missing, big events etc My DS is making choices about leaving school etc and I'm lost without my DH. Six years on here. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, I bet you are too

He sounds like a wonderful man. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You say you need a download every week- so do I. I have an online counsellor now, I hadn't intended it to be online but she was shielding and it's just carried on. It's cheaper as well, which is a consideration. I find having someone to moan to once a week about my husband or anything in my life (usually how hard it is to be a single parent) really helps. Just a thought. Much easier to fit an online session in as you don't have to go anywhere!

Tunnocks, I nursed a close relative till she died of cancer earlier this year, and I could not have loved her more or tried harder. But I felt I was failing almost all the time.

I think we want to do superhuman things, maybe even save their life, but we can’t no matter how we try. And it feels like an unforgiveable failure.

And though this was someone I idolised, who had loved me all my life too, and I am still grieving … yet I know it was not the same as if I was losing my dear husband. The person who shares every day of my life. I knew that would be a worse pain. I am so sorry this happened to him and you, Tunnocks. He sounds lovely. You did deserve him.

Sending you hugs and sympathy. Xxx

@BlameItOnTheBlackStar

Oh lord, grace? You did so much, and do so much, nobody expects you to do it all with grace. You really must be kinder to yourself!

I remember your threads so well, and I am always a bit relieved when I see you pop up every now and again. You so clearly have given your children a brilliant example of what a happy marriage and family life should be.

Is online counselling something you could do, just to have a stranger to dump your thoughts on? I know there are plenty of apps and websites now.

Well I have been failing to meet my own expectations since I was about two

No I don’t fancy online counselling. Too much time on Teams calls in my work life. I might do it in person when I am 52 and feel I have more time. That’s a mere decade away.