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Original poster

NDN with dementia assaulted me

214 replies

Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 15:59

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Confused Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 14/11/2021 16:02

Apart from this incident are there any other concerns that warrant NDN going into a care home?

If not then I probably wouldn’t report and I just would not answer the door.

GlitterBiscuits · 14/11/2021 16:04

I'd report it.

It sounds like the old chap needs more care and attention than he's getting. He's only going to get worse.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 14/11/2021 16:06

How horrible for you and him. I don't know OP but it's not a very long term solution is it? What if you're going out at the same time? Or someone coming to visit you? Have you got other neighbours who may be frail and not appreciate being knocked about the head??

I think I'd probably say that if it happened again then something would need to be done.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 14/11/2021 16:07

BTW you wouldn't be responsible for him going into a home. It's not your fault.

Forestdweller11 · 14/11/2021 16:07

I think I'd report it - not sure who to though, social services? If he's already got carers going in then there's the option for the visits to be upped prior to a home. He's not going to stop knocking on your door if you don't answer is he? It's just going to get worse. What will ndn do if you don't answer? Keeping knocking? Go away, go to another house? Wander the streets? Tbh I think son is being short sighted. It's a safeguarding issue really. For both of you.

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2021 16:08

You need to report it. He needs more support than his son visiting a few times a week.
I'd be suspicious that the son has his beady eye on the £££ and knows a care home costs money.

Cornettoninja · 14/11/2021 16:08

I would report it to social services. He’s not going to improve, that’s just not how dementia works. I don’t see the dignity in allowing him to continue in this way nor do I think you have to accept living next to someone prone to violent outbursts against you.

I think his son is delaying the inevitable in all honesty and you should do what you think is right.

Viviennemary · 14/11/2021 16:09

I think its your absolute duty to report this no matter what the son says. Imagine if something more serious happens. Or you could phone an Ahlzeimers helpline and see what they suggest you should do.

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2021 16:09

Oh, yes, carers for a few minutes a day is totally inadequate for dementia.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 14/11/2021 16:10

Do you want it to happen to you or someone else again? If not then report it. It is only going to get worse.

cornflakegirl · 14/11/2021 16:10

Do you have any genuine insight into whether going into a care home would be awful for him, or whether it would result in him finally getting proper care? If not, I would report.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 14/11/2021 16:10

I’d report it. You only have your NDN best interests at heart.

Your NDN sounds very vulnerable and needing more support than he is currently getting. There is also a small chance that he could be more acutely unwell on top of his dementia, a urine infection or something that could be treated.

Phillipa12 · 14/11/2021 16:11

There is not enough support in place at the moment. I would be telling son that you are sorry but it's in his dad's best interests to report. Social services won't necessarily put him in a home, with the correct care package in place he could stay where he is.

ObnoxiousFeminist · 14/11/2021 16:11

You need to report it. He’s at your house multiple times per day, how are you supposed to ignore that? He obviously needs far more care than is currently being provided, his son has his head in the sand.

SilentPanic · 14/11/2021 16:11

Your neighbour doesn't seem to be living a happy or settled life. He seems stressed and anxious. I think that the kind thing would be to report it.

ilovebagpuss · 14/11/2021 16:12

I would report it however hard this seems. It would be awful if he badly hurt someone else as his condition deteriorates.
He really won’t be safe to be at home so long on his own.

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:14

I'd report it. If he's ill enough to assault a women (I'm sure he'd have been horrified by that if he was well) he's ill enough to go wondering the streets in his underwear in the middle of winter.

He needs proper care and support. And you deserve to not be assaulted on your own doorstep.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/11/2021 16:14

What a mare. I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation. The neighbour could really do himself some damage at this rate. It's really difficult. In my experience care homes are quite dire places.

FionnulaTheCooler · 14/11/2021 16:14

Is getting one of those video doorbells a possibility for you? I would worry that not answering the door may cause his behaviour to turn to deliberately damaging your property. I also agree with previous posters that it doesn't sound as though his care needs are being adequately met and something needs to change, maybe going into a home would be for the best in the longer term.

tintodeverano2 · 14/11/2021 16:15

You must report it. Really for his welfare and to safeguard him. What if he does something similar to a child? Or a thug who won't think twice of beating him up?

His son probably doesn't want him to go into a home for selfish reasons such as loosing his inheritance... in which case, if you did contact police and he was sectioned, then his care would be paid for in full.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2021 16:15

Of course you need to report this, immediately, for your protection and his. He is a danger to other people and himself. Imagine if he got aggressive with the wrong person, he could be killed. You must report this, and if he ever comes to your door again, don't open it.

zafferana · 14/11/2021 16:15

The DS is being selfish and not doing what is right for his DF. Going into a home will 'kill him' will it? I very much doubt it. However, being left home alone to roam around the neighbourhood assaulting people is safe???

I'd report it to police and SS immediately. Dementia is a horrible illness and it sounds like this man has now reached the point where he needs more care and attention that his son is prepared to source for him.

amusedbush · 14/11/2021 16:17

As a pp says, the son may just be delaying the inevitable because he doesn’t want the value of the house to pay for care fees. My paternal granny has dementia and my mum has all but admitted that she doesn’t want my dad to sell her house because she (my mum) is counting on it for their retirement. That makes me really uncomfortable.

It doesn’t sound like your NDN is getting the amount of care he needs and I would be inclined to report it.

Atla · 14/11/2021 16:17

NDN sounds very vulnerable & this is a safeguarding issue. He either needs more support to remain in his own home or, yes, to be in a supported living environment. If he is suddenly much more confused than usual I'd also be concerned that he has some sort of infection/delirium that might need treatment.

This must have been very scary for you and I hope you are ok. I think you should report it possibly to police non-emergency line and definitely to adult social services. The neighbour (through no fault of his own) is at risk of wandering off & getting lost/injured and also at risk of assaulting someone else, perhaps more seriously. His son is perhaps in denial,but has no right to pressure you into not reporting.

NautaOcts · 14/11/2021 16:18

This is a horrible situation
But think of the carers going in to his house every day alone? How would you feel if one of them got seriously injured? Or another member of the public? Or your neighbour died from hypothermia because he got lost and couldn’t find his way home?

It was grossly unfair of the son to ask you not to report and irresponsible of him to not report it himself. His dad or someone else could come to harm.

I would report and I would explain to the son that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if someone else was hurt.

Also, I’m sure the son has the best intentions but sadly there are relatives out there who want to keep family in their own homes at all costs, because of protecting the inheritance. Sad but true.