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Original poster

NDN with dementia assaulted me

214 replies

Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 15:59

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Confused Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 18:14

It's not a police matter as NDN doesn't have full mental capacity.

People post some right bollocks on here sometimes Hmm

TillyTopper · 14/11/2021 18:16

Gosh OP that is so difficult for you and your NDN. But it isn't your fault and obviously his dementia is not going to get better, unfortunately it will probably get worse.

If you feel there will be a lot of unpleasantness if you report him perhaps could you get a family member or friend to do it for you. They will be more detached. It is important to raise it because even if you don't open the door again to him it's not going to be nice going in/out of your home nor will it be nice having someone potentially shout at you when you don't open the door (especially if he wants cigarettes).

I would say though going to a home where they specifically care with people with dementia may be actually really good for him if he has reached that stage. I felt terrible about my mum going to a home when I couldn't cope this year but honest it is the best for everyone - including her. My advice would be get a family member to report it with you, and take it from there.

VincaMinor · 14/11/2021 18:18

You've done the right thing. He might set light to your house as well as his

MLMshouldbeillegal · 14/11/2021 18:20

Can people please stop with the shitty "of course he doesn't want his Dad in a home, that'd harm his inheritance" stuff.

Firstly, OP has said the father is in a housing association property so there is no house to sell.

Secondly, it shows a complete lack of understanding about the motivations of people who are dealing with the onset of dementia in a parent. It's not about the fucking money. It's about seeing a much loved parent disappearing in front of you and becoming someone else entirely.

Minorissue · 14/11/2021 18:22

You’ve done the right thing OP

Clymene · 14/11/2021 18:24

You know his son may be relieved that you've taken the decision away from him.

Good luck. It's a very difficult situation

Helpstopthepain · 14/11/2021 18:25

Any change in symptoms need reporting so that he gets adequate care. The son is being irresponsible.

Hope you are okay.

PinkSkirt · 14/11/2021 18:32

Huge well done for reporting it. Your other neighbours agree. With his type of dementia he’s only going to get more violent.
The decision to go into a home isn’t yours, or coming form you reporting an actual physical assault. The decision is his families and medical professionals with all the evidence.

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 14/11/2021 18:34

Ah the son is a man and therefore evil so clearly is motivated by greed and power and control. Clearly.

My gran had dementia and my dad did all he could to avoid her going into a home. She had a council house and fuck all in the bank by the way. He just didn’t want to be the one responsible (rightly or wrongly) for forcing the issue and Kipling her.

But it didn’t kill her. She eventually had to go into hospital with a UTI and she went to the care home from there. It was inevitable. And she was furious and unhappy for a short time. But her quality of life drastically improved. She was happy. They had a hairdresser and she ate well and her clothes were nice. She was well cared for.

When she died many of her wonderful careers came to her funeral.

You’ve done this father and son a massive favour OP. In time they will see that.

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 14/11/2021 18:34

Killing her. Not Kipling her.

Elderflower14 · 14/11/2021 18:35

Speaking as someone who has cared for people with dementia over the years I think you have done the right thing.. I had some truly heartstopping moments...

Riv · 14/11/2021 18:38

You have done the right thing OP. Please don't worry or feel guilty about it.
My DM had dementia and I was in denial for too long, believing that she was coping with three times a day visits from a carer, really lovely neighbours and my visits a few times a week (I had young children, a small 2 bed terraced house, a full time job and lived a 90-minute each way drive away)
The crunch came when she was found at 3.30am, in her nightwear, 6 miles from her home, in a very rough part of town, covered in mud and knocking on doors. I still wake up thinking about the awful things that could have happened to her.
By reporting you could be preventing an even worse incident and harm to the NN. You are also taking a little of the responsibility and stress of care away from the son, who may actually be grateful to you in the end.

Lovethedogg · 14/11/2021 18:40

I know everyone else has said it but you must report and it isn’t a solution to not answer your door.

Whatever happens next is not your doing but it sounds like the level of care he is getting is not adequate and a home may be the best thing. It’s not a punishment it’s about protecting everyone including your poor neighbour.

My mum has dementia and if she had done this I would be so upset not only that you were attacked in your home but also because of how distressed my mum would have been at the time and the state she’d have been in to do this. I’d never want this to happen again for her sake or anyone else’s

Frankly suspicious about the son’s motives as well, I know a very elderly person with dementia who lives alone and whose family refuse to consider a care home despite the fact they’re clearly not coping even with carers coming in and I strongly suspect motive is financial.

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 14/11/2021 18:40

How did the son find out about the assault? Did you tell him or did his dad?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/11/2021 18:42

@Clymene

You know his son may be relieved that you've taken the decision away from him.

Good luck. It's a very difficult situation

This. Although I don't think you've taken the decision away from the son exactly. but speaking up and raising the alert from both neighbours on both sides of NDN means the son is not the only person thinking/saying it and that might help him to move forward with it. I think you are doing both the son and the NDN a favour here. The NDN needs to be safe (and so do you!) and needs more support as his disease has clearly progressed.
tailspin21 · 14/11/2021 18:43

Oh lovely you've absolutely done the right thing and yes social services report needed too. It's so hard because you want the person to be happy, you don't want to be the cause of their distress etc... but in truth he is already distressed as evidenced by him assaulting you. Him being out late at night and often wandering between different neighbours is a sign that things are reaching crunch point and in my experience (about 20 years of it, in a professional capacity and about 5 in a personal) this is very close. Typically they end up completely lost - I didn't deal directly with but am aware of a local dementia patient who was sadly found in the river, another in the woods having succumbed to hypothermia, another who was hit by a car. That's before the fire risk. Any guilt his son tries to place on you now will, I promise, fail into insignificance if he becomes one of those because nobody reported their concerns. Keep that in your mind and stay strong, you're doing the right thing 🤗 x

FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2021 18:49

It’s good that you’ve decided to report, but please don’t feel guilty. Your safety is as important as his. Besides, he clearly needs care he isn’t getting at the moment.
It’s not true that having to leave his home will kill NDN, whatever his son thinks. It’s a myth that old people die because they’re upset at being moved. What is true is that they are often moved because their health has declined very badly, and often they haven’t long to live whether they’re in their own home or not.

Original poster
Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 18:51

I told him IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative, I was worried about the state NDN was in so messaged him straight after it happened. He came over and sorted his dad out and then knocked to see if I was ok but not much was said during that conversation, think we were both in shock tbh. He messaged later asking me not to report and I said I needed to think about it, I've let him know now that I feel I have to report it and why and he has just messaged back saying 'ok I understand' so maybe he is starting to realise it's for the best, hope so.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2021 18:56

@Harddecisionhelp

I've filled in an online report with the police and will be ringing adult social services in the morning. Feel shit about it but also know it's the right (only really) thing to do. I've also let NDN's son know what I've decided, no reply yet but I know I will have to block him if he tries to make me feel guilty, mostly because it will work Sad

Thank you all for your advice, I was aware I was looking at this through the lens of my own experience with DGF (he had multiple strokes rather than dementia and we managed to keep him at home til he went into hospital for EOL care) but there was lots I hadn't considered/didn't know so it's all been really helpful.

I spoke to my other neighbour too, NDN also knocks at hers fairly regularly so I felt she needed to know. She's been on the verge of calling SS for a while apparently and has said she will also put a report in tomorrow about the other stuff that's been happening. I feel a bit like I've launched some kind of attack on an ill old man even though I know rationally that's not the case, but I guess I would have felt equally guilty knowing he isn't currently getting the care he needs so it was a no win situation really. Still feel shit though Sad

Please, stop all this guilt! You and the other neighbour are doing the right think for everyone concerned. You’re talking like you’ve condemned an innocent man to some terrible fate! The son has already said he understands so please talk yourself down.
Original poster
Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 18:57

Thank you tailspin21, that helped Flowers

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2021 18:58

Not going into care could actually kill him
He sounds like a danger to himself and others and needs more help than he is getting at present

Original poster
Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 18:59

I'm getting there FictionalCharacter, feel better now I've had that reply from his son.

OP posts:
DobbyTheHouseElk · 14/11/2021 19:09

Please report. Your NDN deserves proper care. He needs to be warm, clean and safe. He isn’t at the moment. Unfortunately he isn’t going to get better. He will continue to decline.

The kind thing to do would be to get him some help. By reporting he will get that.

Bettyboopawoop · 14/11/2021 19:13

Even if you report it nothing may come from it, I once looked after a lady with dementia that used to run across a busy road naked and who should not have been alone got absolutely nowhere she was still left alone even though her neighbours ect were complaining to me.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 14/11/2021 19:33

You absolutely must report it. You are not doing yourself or him any favours by covering it up. His behaviour is escalating and he is harming innocent people. His needs have increased so it would appear that the current care package is failing him. The son is putting off the inevitable. How many more times does his father have to assault you before he faces realist?