NDN with dementia assaulted me

[Harddecisionhelp]

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

You have been assaulted. The son saying don’t answer your door is not a solution, it continues to allow you to be anxious and stressed. Wha if he turns up as you are on your way in or out. The son is being ridiculous. If he is also disturbing other neighbours t is just a question of time before you or someone else is hurt as well.
It isn’t an option. It is for public safety. Just phone the police now . Record incidents going forwards. Did you take photos of your face after the incident?
There is also the flip side that if the son continues to allow this to happen the NDN could get hurt by someone bigger than you hitting him back in self defence.
The son is living in cloud cuckoo land frankly- the son apologising to you means nothing. You cannot apologise for someone else’s actions. He’s just using it in effect to emotionally blackmail you which he’s doing quite well. He is telling you to minimise an illegal an unprovoked assault fgs.
You have nothing to feel guilty about in reporting this incident.

The NDN has probably at some point told the son he doesn't want to go in to a home and the son feels guilty about the possibility of it and isn't facing up to the reality.

There's a lot of guilt and sadness at putting loved ones in care homes.

But rest assured OP, it'll be the local authority who does it, not you. And only if he really needs it.

You need to report this - its about caring for your neighbour - he's vulnerable / at risk and this is a safeguarding risk. Currently he is a danger to himself and others. How far does this need to go before it is seen as needing to be reported? If something bad happens to the neighbour or someone else how will you feel because you haven't reported this incident?

Glad you have decided to report.
Such a shame that the thing that jumps into peoples heads first is that the son is greedy (though I agree he is wrong about not reporting) - go for the uncharitable option unless corrected in the case by OP

Definitely report it.

I imagine the only thing the son cares about is his inheritance

Ah..
Seen your update
Report to the HA, and the police
It will get your NDN the help and care he needs

He's a danger to the carers. That is your main, practical reason for reporting to social services, and one that his son really can't argue with.

But the smoking and cooking danger is why he's a danger to himself (and anyone who tries to rescue him in a fire.

I feel for the son. My mum chain smokes and drinks her way through her disability, too. My brother and I have tried everything to control that, and she involves her neighbours in her extra care flats too.

But he's being unrealistic.

I'm really glad you've decided to report OP. This is one of those times when you need to think 'What is the right thing to do?', because that right thing might be at odds with your own personal experience, but it's clearly that this man is no longer coping in his own home. He needs care 24 hours a day. He's wandering around knocking on doors, confusing fantasy and reality and now he's assaulted you on your own doorstep. I hope SS are able to attend quickly for everyone's sake.

What an awful situation. I hope you are not too badly injured. I would report as it will get your NDN the help he needs.

I would also message the son and let him know what you are doing and why you are doing it, it is for his own good. He is a danger to himself and others.

I know it's not nice, but it is the best way.

The son doesn't want to lose his inheritence.

The son needs to get his head out of the sand. You were assaulted! His DF can’t help it, but he is now a danger to himself and others. This needs to be reported so this man can get proper help and support commensurate with his needs.

I would get in contact with social services or the home care agency. Two calls a day might not be enough and if he wants to stay at home, local authorities have access to various assistive technology that might help him do this. I wouldn't ignore it. He's at risk and he's putting others at risk.

Absolutely report it.
Realistically, if he's unwell enough to attack a woman over lost shopping, how long until he goes for a wander or a snooze and leaves a pan on the hob to catch fire?
You shouldn't have been put in this position and neither should he, safeguarding needs to happen for all concerned. It's highly unlikely to get better or not happen again.
Sorry for both parties, rubbish situation :-(

Glad you decided to report. I would be worried about him wandering the streets in the winter, or attacking someone vulnerable/thuggish.
Not an easy decision to make but there definitely should be a paper trail of this behaviour.

@tintodeverano2

You must report it. Really for his welfare and to safeguard him. What if he does something similar to a child? Or a thug who won't think twice of beating him up?

His son probably doesn't want him to go into a home for selfish reasons such as loosing his inheritance... in which case, if you did contact police and he was sectioned, then his care would be paid for in full.

in which case, if you did contact police and he was sectioned, then his care would be paid for in full.

I don't think this is true.

I can't see why the son thinks that you not answering the door is the answer. Surely he'll just become more distressed at being ignored and will either make a big scene causing someone else to call the police, or wander off and pester someone else?

I think you need to point out the reality to the son and say that you really don't feel that you have any choice, both for his father's safety and that of carers and other neighbours.

FGS will people stop saying the son is trying to protect his inheritance! Apart from the fact it's a rented house, there are other reasons why he might not want his father to go into a care home.

We did everything we could to keep my aunty out of a care home, because its what she wanted and, until the point when it became unavoidable, it was the best thing for her. It had absolutely nothing to do with money.

This is such a difficult one. I understand because my Mum would get aggressive with her carers because of the fear and confusion. Luckily or sadly carers are used to this behaviour shown by clients who have Dementia. But it actually played in my Mum's favour to show that she needed the support and funding she had.

What we learnt going through this whole process and maybe your NDN's son does not know this but people have a right, by law, to remain in their own homes. Whilst the care can cost more, this all Means testing and how much Adult Social Care will contribute, they do not necessarily need to go into a home but they are likely to get more urgent support because he has become aggressive.

Personally, this is what I would do, but you have to do what you feel is right. I would have another conversation with the son and talk about a way forward because it is horrible for you, horrible for the son and unbelievably scary for his father.

I really hope it all gets sorted it's not nice for anyone but it may be the catalyst to get your neighbour the help he needs.

What if he goes to other peoples homes or a child on the street or another vulnerable person & attacks them? Or he could get confused & get lost or run over because he forgets about his own safety - winter is coming on & he could get lost on a freezing night. Vascular dementia means the person can go downhill quite rapidly.
Someone needs to say something op for the poor man's sake.

Glad you are going to report this. This really isn't just about the NDN but the safety of everyone around him. He is not safe and nor is anyone else. The son is quite out of order to try and emotionally blackmail you, especially after you got hurt.

in which case, if you did contact police and he was sectioned, then his care would be paid for in full.

I've seen a fair bit of bollocks on mumsnet over the past 20 years but that is definately the worst

@girlmom21

I'd report it. If he's ill enough to assault a women (I'm sure he'd have been horrified by that if he was well) he's ill enough to go wondering the streets in his underwear in the middle of winter.

He needs proper care and support. And you deserve to not be assaulted on your own doorstep.

I was going to say this. He is clearly ill enough to be a risk to himself and others.

@IncompleteSenten

You need to report it. He needs more support than his son visiting a few times a week. I'd be suspicious that the son has his beady eye on the £££ and knows a care home costs money.

I'm afraid I thought the same. The man needs care and you and others don't need to be assaulted. What if he assaults a child next time, or runs in the road and causes an accident.

I'd call social services and the police, not that the police are going to arrest him or anything but I'd ask them to also notify social services to try and make sure they take it seriously.

I hope you soon feel better, it must have been a horrible shock.

Definitely report, mostly because of the care home that he may be going into might not realise he can be violent and that could be dangerous for other residents.