NDN with dementia assaulted me

[Harddecisionhelp]

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

This needs to be documented. Call the police non-emergency number and they can advise. My BIL had vascular dementia, became violent to his wife, nearly strangled her one day. He was removed from the home to a specialist care facility after that. Not safe for you, his Carers or anyone else who goes to the home.

You must report it. The son doesn’t want the fallout to deal with but SS must know what’s going on to properly support this poor man. What a horrible experience for you OP, I’d imagine you won’t feel safe around him even in passing now so you have to protect yourself too.
FWIW my NDN has vascular dementia and now has 24/7 carers in so it’s not a given that someone has to go into a home.

Please report it police are hardly going to arrest him what it will do is start a chain of event which will be in his best interest.

Imagine if the next person who answers the door to him is holding a newborn op.

You must report it, it's sad but he's dangerous.

I think you need to report this, dementia doesn't get better, and at the very least he needs more supervision in the home he's in to reduce the risk - he won't get that if those making the assesments don't know the facts of how he's behaving.
As a pp said it's a safeguarding matter for both of you. It's no more your fault this has happened than it is your NDNs , he hasn't done anything 'wrong' because the dementia is taking away his rational thought and behaviour, and you won't be doing anything wrong by making sure that he's getting the support he needs.
Whatever the sons reasons behind not wanting his father to go into a home, he's not the one facing the fall out from the worsening dementia.
I understand the position you feel you're in though, in your shoes I would make it clear to the son that if NDN continues in this way with you or you are concerned he's at risk wandering etc then you'll be contacting the police and social services. It may also be worth having a quiet word with his carers - they may be able to record it on his care notes so there's a record.

I think you need to report this. For the sake of your neighbour and other people’s safety.

You need to contact the police. I'd have done it as soon as I had the door shut and locked. You don't want him leaving his home on your conscience but how will you feel if he injures someone else? Or gets injured himself?

Report to social services. He's not getting the level of care he needs. It's up to them to assess his needs.

He sounds distressed and alone.

Please report this. He is not getting the support he needs and it is not safe for you or others.

You should report this. If he assualted you once he may assault you or someone else again and either hurt someone or as another poster says, get hurt himself if he picks on the wrong person next time.

It won't be your fault if he goes into a nursing home. If that happens it will be because the care and support to keep him safe cannot be provided in his home, whether by his son or social services.

I would report it. My neighbour had dementia and her children didn't want her going into a home because they wanted their inheritance. She got very distressed and would wander the streets so they started locking her in the house.

I reported her to social services along with some other neighbours and they put her in a home.

It is abusive to neglect elderly people. A man who is confused to this degree needs proper care.

Sorry but you really need to contact social services. It sounds like the family are struggling with guild while doing the best they can.

He is sounds as if he is devolving into a state where he is not fit to be left alone. If being violent was out of character this is likely the dementia removing the social skills we learn as a child.
The problem is that character change can be accompanied by the loss of the ability to risk assess for danger.
It is possible that he has a UTI or is dehydrated both can cause confusion but you are not in a position to make that assessment.
A big risk at this time of year is wandering and exposure to bad weather.

Please make the harsh choice and call.

You were assaulted. His illness does not diminish the harm he has done to you. You have a right to not be hit by anyone.

For your safety, his, and anyone he comes across, yes you should report it.

"He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again" a) this is not a solution to his increasing confusion and disinhibition, and b) it is not your responsibility to solve this problem which is predictably just going to get worse

"he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report" - no it isn't, there may be other solutions including better and more frequent care in his own home

"and that having to leave his home will kill NDN" - not necessarily, many people struggling at home flourish in a good care home. Unfortunately he has an illness that is very likely to kill him, or hasten his death.

My suggestion would be

• report to social services (google the safeguarding number and give them a ring - they will ask all the questions and lead the conversation)
• report both his assault and the inadequate care he's currently receiving: 5-min visits are not a thing and sound decidedly dodgy.
• keep a diary of anything that happens involving him in the future

Report to the police non-emergency number. Social services won’t want to know. It will only get worse. I was in your situation a few years ago, although our neighbour didn’t get violent. It made my life hell. He used to sit outside our front door or knock repeatedly for hours. The police visited and were very helpful. I felt like I had got my life back when he died.

I agree with the others. The neighbour is clearly distressed and not getting the right level of support and care. He might not need to be in a home but he needs a medication review and more care. My FiL had this an injured himself trying to climb out of the window for some reason but he improved when he was getting the right treatment and more care.

I'd report to social services. He is no longer safe at home. More worryingly you are no longer safe if he at home.

Apart from this incident are there any other concerns that warrant NDN going into a care home?

There are if I'm entirely honest yes, he often claims to have no food/electric/cigarettes and knocks mine and other neighbours doors for help. Son says NDN has run up massive debts on cigarettes and phone bills and shopping does seem to be delivered regularly so I don't really know what the truth of it is but son gives the impression NDN chain smokes through his pension and leaves himself short for other things and son is left to sort it out. Son has a young family of his own and doesn't appear to have much money (no car, comes to visit by bus etc) so I can see it would be difficult but it's upsetting to think that NDN may not have what he needs.

NDN has been known to wander and my DH has occasionally had to scour the streets in the car at 11pm looking for him because son is frantic and can't get here (no buses that late and can't afford taxis) to look for him himself. It's obvious on these occasions (and sometimes when he stands close at my front door) that his hygiene isn't great and no one seems to be helping him with that so there's that too.

Fire is also a worry between the chain smoking and NDN's propensity to forget he's cooking something until the smoke alarm goes off. The houses are terraced so we're adjoined which is an obvious concern. I realise from what I've said it seems clear that I should report but I also know how it feels when someone you love wants to stay in their own home (my DGF before he died) and you have to decide their fate which I think is what's making me hesitate. My DGF would have given up the second they moved him from his home so I know what NDN's son is afraid of and I know it's probably a perfectly reasonable fear

Imagine if the next person who answers the door to him is holding a newborn

I thought this too, you must report OP. How can you relax in your home knowing he might attack you again? He needs proper care and you deserve to be safe.

I agree with PPs re the son's concern about inheritance btw.

I’d report it… not out of anger that I’d been hurt but out of concerns for his welfare

I’d report. If he’s this bad he could set fire to the house! Or attack one of your children. It won’t be the son dealing with the fallout of that, will it.
He had no right to ask you not to report - I know your neighbour isn’t responsible for his own behaviour but you are still the victim of an assault and you have every right to take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and your family.

@IncompleteSenten

Oh, yes, carers for a few minutes a day is totally inadequate for dementia.

No it isn't. It's entirely dependent on the severity and impact of the dementia!

You won't be deciding his fate though, that will be done by social services - please don't even think about feeling guilty

If the neighbour has to go into a home, that will be because he can’t cope in his own place due to lack of adequate support. If the son thinks a care home is the wrong option for his dad, he needs to sort out better support so his dad can continue to live at home. Just report it.

To those saying that him getting care at home is an alternative option to care home please bear in mind that there is an acute shortage of home carers at the moment and patients suitable for hone care are ending up in care homes as a result.

OP you do have a duty to report your NDN's inadequate level of care. If the son wants home to stay in his own home then he will need to up the level of care provided himself. This is not your fault and you should not have to deal with the consequences of a lack of adequate care.