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Original poster

NDN with dementia assaulted me

214 replies

Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 15:59

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Confused Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 16:35

@Hesma

I’d report it… not out of anger that I’d been hurt but out of concerns for his welfare
Absolutely this. A really tough situation for everyone but your NDN is clearly not getting the right support at home and is a safeguarding risk to himself as well as now others. Poor him and poor you too Thanks
mrsbyers · 14/11/2021 16:36

The son is probably more concerned that the house will have to be sold to fund care needs , do the best thing for the old chap and report it - he could cause himself serious injury or worse without the right care if he is being left to cook etc

CatsOperatingInGangs · 14/11/2021 16:37

From personal experience with a grandparent, violence and aggression is a significant the dementia advancing. If the son ignores this behaviour, the NDN is going to escalate and put both himself and others in danger.

If I was you, I’d call SS tomorrow. If he’s already getting carers he will be in their system already. NDN needs help. By reporting him, he’ll get that help.

Cornettoninja · 14/11/2021 16:37

I don’t think some posters are being entirely fair speculating on the sons reasons for asking you not to report anything. It’s just as likely he’s made and/or is continuing to make promises to his df that he won’t have to go into a home. People help their relatives stay at home far longer than they should put of a sense of loyalty and misguided intentions.

The son is wrong though, imho. A report to social service could be the catalyst to a more stable support package which would be better for everyone.

gamerchick · 14/11/2021 16:38

Sounds as if the son wants to avoid the fees.

You need to report for his own sake. He's obviously stressed and unhappy. He needs looking after properly.

MissCreeAnt · 14/11/2021 16:38

I think you need a conversation with his son about what you "just" not answering the door would look like. Won't NDN be extremely confused at you suddenly not answering, and isn't he going to need some help knowing what to do and how to cope with that scenario? He may not just knock and go quietly back home, he'll be distressed and this may result in him being aggressive at you through the window, or being confused and disoriented when out of the house which just isn't safe for him.

Original poster
Harddecisionhelp · 14/11/2021 16:38

Reading all replies now and there's lots I hadn't considered so just wanted to reassure everyone it's clear already that I will need to report what happened before I read the rest. Also want to mention there definitely isn't an inheritance issue here, house is rented from HA and it's obvious there's no money.

OP posts:
Adviceneeded1213 · 14/11/2021 16:38

That sounds so frightening. I would most definitely report this, it is assault and next time it could be worse.
The results of you reporting it are absolutely not your fault and I think you would be doing him a favour in the long run.Flowers

Lucked · 14/11/2021 16:38

Unfortunately I don’t think he will ring the door once and go away, if he realises you are at home and ignoring him he may confabulate it into something sinister and he could end up shouting and yelling through the door.

Also worried thtif there is no answer at your door he will wander farther away from home and get lost or injured.

In balance I think you will have to report. It is not like it is a stable condition- he can and only get worse.

Clymene · 14/11/2021 16:41

Well I'm glad there isn't an inheritance issue at play but he's a risk to himself and others. However much he may say he doesn't want to go into a home, there's no other solution.

He could burn your house down

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 14/11/2021 16:41

I think that I’d be asking his son what possible benefit it would be to his dad to stay home, if he’s already deteriorated so far and sounds distressed.

ablutiions · 14/11/2021 16:42

My DD had vascular dementia and assaulted the neighbour. Mum called for help and he was sectioned. It was the best outcome really, and the bonus was that as he was under section, his care was paid for.

He was normally so gentle, it was a real shock.

I'd report it. The old chap isn't going to get into trouble or prosecuted, but it will push to get him the right help he so obviously needs. Sometimes family can't see the right course of action clearly as they are so emotionally invested. It's really not safe for him to be left to assault someone else. Take the initiative.

Ryannah · 14/11/2021 16:43

Stop answering the door. Report to social services. I’m guessing the son is being greedy about his dad’s house so doesn’t want him to be taken into care. But he clearly needs care!

tara66 · 14/11/2021 16:45

You have to consider what else he could do to any other unsuspecting person or child he might encounter as he has shown he can be completely deranged and violent. He needs reporting.

Shellingbynight · 14/11/2021 16:47

Please report it, both to Social Services and the police. In the meantime, don't answer the door to him.

Your update makes it clear there is inadequate support for this man, he needs supervision 24/7. He is not even managing basic hygiene, the smoking means he's a fire risk, he's wandering, he's distressed, he's now assaulted you. I can well believe what his son says about his behaviour.

Almost every person with dementia says they do not want to go into a care home, but there comes a point when their needs overcome their wants. My mother wanted to stay in her home but she was no longer safe on her own. Within a few weeks of moving to the care home she loved it, a care home can be the best answer.

Social Services will do all they can to avoid moving him to a care home, they wait till the last possible moment - but frankly this DOES sound like the last possible moment.

Redburnett · 14/11/2021 16:47

You should report to police IMO even though it would be unlikely to go to court. It was more than one blow and fairly prolonged. It is obvious that the level of care NDN is getting is insufficient and an incident like this should ensure that those involved make better arrangements.

Kinneddar · 14/11/2021 16:48

I’m guessing the son is being greedy about his dad’s house so doesn’t want him to be taken into care

The OP has already said the house is a HA property so you're guessing wrong

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/11/2021 16:48

Our neighbour would knock at the door for six hours if no-one answered. It’s not as simple as ignoring it. He used to lie on our doorstep and claim to have fallen down the stairs. It got to the stage where I couldn’t leave the house because he was there all the time.

NerrSnerr · 14/11/2021 16:48

@Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals

I think that I’d be asking his son what possible benefit it would be to his dad to stay home, if he’s already deteriorated so far and sounds distressed.
That's not the OP's place to be having such a discussion.

I would speak to social services though. If the gentleman has previously expressed a wish to stay at home it can then be explored by professionals to see if it can be done safely.

Couchbettato · 14/11/2021 16:49

Report it to the police.

It might benefit him in terms of adult social services involvement.

Assault is assault regardless of who it's from.

beekeepershat · 14/11/2021 16:49

I used to work on a dementia ward. Several of the things you have said would make me intervene and stop a patient return home. He needs 24/7 care. Poor love.

Summersnake · 14/11/2021 16:50

When he goes in to a home ,house will probably have to be sold to fund it ,rather than pass on to the son ..
100% report it to social services and police
The man needs more care than he is getting

girlmom21 · 14/11/2021 16:51

@Summersnake

When he goes in to a home ,house will probably have to be sold to fund it ,rather than pass on to the son .. 100% report it to social services and police The man needs more care than he is getting
It's a housing association house...
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 14/11/2021 16:52

Even if you agreed to not answer the door, what is to stop him assaulting you when you leave the house? You cant stay home for ever. It is incredibly sad and I feel for you all- including his son who is probably at his wits end. But this situation sounds incredibly unsafe and miserable for him. And you! Reporting is the only thing you can do.

SnoopyLights · 14/11/2021 16:53

I'm sorry that he did that to you OP.

I think you are going to have to report it as well.

You say he knocks on other doors, he may assault someone else, and do more harm. Or they may hit him back and do some harm to him? What if he hits a child or another elderly person? Someone who can't fend him off, or someone prepared to really hurt him to make him stop? What if he hits you again but more forcefully? And as other people have said, what if he just comes to harm himself in his own home?

None of that would be your fault of course, but he's obviously at a stage where he needs more support than his son can give and these are the issues his son needs to be thinking of. If his son can't or won't face what his dad needs now, I think you would be doing them both a favour by reporting this now.