NDN with dementia assaulted me

[Harddecisionhelp]

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

I'd say that chain smoking is likely to mean there's not much money around him

Also a massive presumption on my part but smoking can also prove a problem in getting hardened smokers of a certain age to settle into care. Infuriating but a very real problem im(limited)e.

I'm 100% sure there is no financial element to this, no one round here has a pot to piss in frankly! Son is decent if a bit ineffectual, it's clear he's out of his depth and genuinely struggling with his dad's illness but i think he's probably doing his best.

I've spoken to SS now, as has other neighbour, they obviously haven't said much about what will happen but seemed to be listening and asked quite a few questions so hopefully it will prompt some sort of action.

I think it's more of a pride thing for his dad. He knows if his dad was well he'd hate the idea of being in a home.

Going into a care home absolutely does kill someone. Perhaps phone an Alzheimer's charity would be best, or ask the son what exactly he is doing to increase care for his dad. If nothing, then you report it

Let's face it, we will all fear going into a care home when we're older. Does anyone know any old person who's given up their independence and their home, willingly and with enthusiasm? And it's an awful decision for a son or daughter to have to make, knowing the distress it will cause.

I find it really really upsetting that so many people have no empathy for either party on this story, and just want to leap to the worst possible (and least likely) conclusion about this poor son.

You've done the right thing; I'm sure the son will see that, even if it's hard for him to accept initially.

I feel a bit like I've launched some kind of attack on an ill old man even though I know rationally that's not the case, but I guess I would have felt equally guilty knowing he isn't currently getting the care he needs so it was a no win situation really. Still feel shit though

What you’ve actually done is kick started this man getting the care he needs and stopped him from blowing himself up because he’s left the gas on. You’ve also made sure that he isn’t going to be able to be violent with someone who might not cope with it as well as you, or someone who wouldn’t hesitate to batter him senseless.

What you have done is override his son's feelings of guilt. And that guilt was possibly not leading him to do what is best for his dad, or anyone else.

Hopefully SS will step in and do what is needed for him.

Well done OP.
It’s good to hear that his other neighbour has reported the situation too. 2 contacts to ss will hopefully red flag the situation.
We recently had to make the decision as a family for my Nan who has vascular dementia to move to a care home. Despite having carers in 4 times a day and one of those being a longer social call rather than just morning routine, meals and medication, she was starting to get very disoriented at night which was putting a real strain on those of us who live locally to her.
She settled in really quickly and has so much more company and stimulation where she is now. Her appetite and mobility have improved too as she’s up and about more rather than just sitting in front of the tv all day.
Hopefully your neighbour will have a positive outcome too, whether that’s a move, or just significantly more support at home.
Keep us posted x

@Harddecisionhelp

I'm 100% sure there is no financial element to this, no one round here has a pot to piss in frankly! Son is decent if a bit ineffectual, it's clear he's out of his depth and genuinely struggling with his dad's illness but i think he's probably doing his best.

I've spoken to SS now, as has other neighbour, they obviously haven't said much about what will happen but seemed to be listening and asked quite a few questions so hopefully it will prompt some sort of action.

That's good news, I hope he will now get the care he needs.

@Inthemuckheap

Of course the son doesn't want his dad in a home as he would have to sell his house to fund it and use up son's inheritance. Why don't you suggest to son that he move in with his dad or that his dad moves in with him? Alternatively that he arranges for more care. Extra Care would be a good solution.

Definitely report it to social services. It's not a police matter as NDN doesn't have full mental capacity.

If you have read the thread you would know that the accusations you are making against the son are most likely incorrect. The house is rented from a HA and the op states that there is unlikely to be any money.

Far more likely that the son is very stressed, can't thing straight s to what to do And probably trying to follow a promise made a while back for dad to stay in his home.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Just because he lives in a rented house doesn't mean he doesn't have any money to leave to his son! How narrow minded those posters who think people who rent don't have any money.

The op knows the family and has already stated that there is unlikely to be money and it's not likely to be an inheritance issue.

Far far more likely to be misplaced loyalty to his father regarding being able to stay in his own home.

That's the most common reason.

I wish I'd had that help with aunt. I got phone calls from the police telling me to do something and social worker said there was nothing she could do.

I can well imagine how stressful it was - it must have been awful. I think we were lucky to catch the end of the phase where NHS GPs still knew their patients fairly well, and were able to keep a bit of an eye on them from a distance, and pull together the right resources when it got desperate.

I'm not sure what the options would be now. My MIL desperately needs continuity of care, but her GP surgery just closed so she's being moved to another big one, where I doubt she'll ever see the same GP twice.

@justasking111

Well I've a beef with nursing homes here when double jabbed family aren't allowed in

What's that got to do with this elderly man who needs help?