NDN with dementia assaulted me

[Harddecisionhelp]

NDN is in his 80's and was diagnosed with vascular dementia a year or so ago. He has a son who visits several times a week and organises his shopping etc and carers twice a day although they only stay 5 minutes so maybe just to administer medication, I'm not sure.

We never had much to do with each other before he was ill, we'd say hello in passing but not much else but in recent months he knocks my door most days, often several times in a day. He's often confused and usually wants to know if I've seen or can contact his son because he's run out of cigarettes and I just drop his son a message and go on with my day, it's mildly annoying but not really any bother and it's sad to see how far he has deteriorated.

He knocked yesterday while I was home alone and when I answered he started shouting that I'd taken his shopping (I hadn't obviously) and trying to push past me into my house, I tried to block him as best I could and he then hit me several times around the face and head before I managed to push him out with the door and get it closed and locked. Obviously very upsetting and distressing for me and I'm a bit bruised and sore today but no real damage thankfully.

His son has contacted me since to apologise profusely and to beg me not to report what happened to police or social services. He wants me to stop answering the door to NDN as a solution to ensuring it doesn't happen again, he says NDN going into a home is the only possible outcome if I do report and that having to leave his home will kill NDN.

My family are all pushing me to report and I know their points are valid, that NDN cannot cope at home any/much longer and reporting will help alert the right services and get him the support he needs, that it's going to be potentially stressful for me to have to live next door to someone who's assaulted me, that he may do it to someone else etc.

I know it's probably the right thing to do but I also feel for NDN and his son and am not sure I want to be responsible for NDN having to leave his home. So I'd like to know what you would do in my situation please? Do the 'right' thing and report and try not to feel guilty when they cart him off to a care home or do what the son wants and just withdraw my support for my own safety? Neither feels right and I don't know what to do Regular poster btw, nc'd in case old posts could make me (and so NDN) recognisable.

My dad had dementia. I'm glad he went to a care home when he did.

I would report it. This poor man needs care

You'd rather he went into a home than started a fire by accident...

DH's family ignored a relatives dementia and inability cope for years. It eventually ended in disaster ( an assualt ended badly for all involved).

It was completely avoidable but reluctance to tell SS the truth meant no one get the help that was desperately needed.

You will NOT be responsible for him going into a home, it is the dementia that is to blame. If the son is that bothered by him going into a home then he needs to move in as a full time carer.

Another point of view as the adult child of a parent with dementia. It is hard - really hard - to see your parent decline in cognitive ability like this. It's so common for adult children to minimise and pretend that things are better than they are because they simply don't want to face the reality of the situation. Deep down, your neighbour's son probably knows that the care his Dad is receiving isn't enough, and that the next step is either significantly upping the carers, or residential care.

It's not fair for posters to confidently state that it'll be about the money and his inheritance. It's FAR more likely that the guy is in a fair state of denial about his Dad's condition, and that the idea of him requiring residential care is very tough to deal with. Because it marks the beginning of the end.

But OP you are not really helping anyone by remaining silent on the matter. The Police are not the right people to speak to about this. A criminal conviction and court case is helping nobody. Social services are the right people to speak to, they may well be involved already, and if not, now is perhaps the time to get them involved.

When people get to this stage, wandering etc, what they need out trumps what they (and their family) want, especially when remaining in his own home is reliant on your DH driving the streets late at night searching for him. Unrealistic and ridiculous.
If you wait with someone with dementia to want to go into care you will wait forever. This doesn't mean what they want is what's safest and best for them.
I would report and step right back.

@MLMshouldbeillegal I agree with you that the son is probably in denial and also trying to follow his dad's wishes of staying at home. It can be very difficult to admit how much the situation has deteriorated.

I don't think people are suggesting the police are contacted so that the man is prosecuted, it's very unlikely any police action would be taken as he has dementia. But making a report to the police as well as Social Services will help to ensure SS take this seriously and take action.

@GlitterBiscuits

I'd report it.

It sounds like the old chap needs more care and attention than he's getting. He's only going to get worse.

As a Private carer, I agree with this. It will get worse.

Wandering and aggressive behaviour are clear indications that this man isn’t safe to be alone. His constant pleas for help also.

I’m glad you are planning to report this to the vulnerable adults safeguarding team, they will be able to make the correct assessments.

Unfortunately an aggressive chain smoker is going to be very difficult to place.

You have to report
What if he does that to someone who punches him back?
I hope you are ok but this is not your responsibility

Having watched my mum living through this exact thing I would 100% report it. He will start up escalate as he becomes more disoriented and for whatever reason you are in the firing line.

He needs 24/7 care not a son who pops in a few times a week. My mum had a terrible 5 years of this with her NDN so I really wouldn’t delay x

I would submit a safeguarding alert online

@cptartapp

When people get to this stage, wandering etc, what they need out trumps what they (and their family) want, especially when remaining in his own home is reliant on your DH driving the streets late at night searching for him. Unrealistic and ridiculous. If you wait with someone with dementia to want to go into care you will wait forever. This doesn't mean what they want is what's safest and best for them. I would report and step right back.

Glad to hear that you are going to report this.

Totally agree with the above and know of a friend's GP who had dementia who started wandering got on a train and was only found more than a day later in a terrible state.

I know the son said it would kill the NDN to go into a home but this was said when he was better able to cope. There comes a time with Dementia when that is just not possible anymore
There's a stigma attached to it, but its genuinely for the best. He may not even realise he's left home if he's being cared for full time. Your NDN is clearly getting more stressed and unable to cope. It could result in a dangerous incident for him or others and you would be doing both his son and the NDN a favour by reporting this to someone who can give him more support.

@Harddecisionhelp

Reading all replies now and there's lots I hadn't considered so just wanted to reassure everyone it's clear already that I will need to report what happened before I read the rest. Also want to mention there definitely isn't an inheritance issue here, house is rented from HA and it's obvious there's no money.

I'm glad you've come to this conslusion OP.

The poor man needs more help than can be provided by his son visiting and you passing on messages. Especially now he's deteriorated further.

Please report it, and all the other concerning behaviour.

It's the right thing to do.

The son is likely trying to 'save' the house but his father clearly can't cope safely on his own, and that's just not right.

I wouldn't report this, only to his son, it is a fact, that people with dementia that has progressed somewhat, can in some cases,get very aggitated, and lash out at people, and they are not aware of there predicament any more..

Proper assessments should be made now, to see if it is unwise for him to be at home now.. He could possibly wander off somewhere, and not be aware where he is etc, all kinds of dangers.

I have worked in care homes before, and dementia patients can lash out and try and hit the staff, also have known male dementia patients, to have sexual thoughts, and make innapropriate commnets to staff, and in one such case, try and grab the breasts of a carer.

@1forAll74 how's he going to get proper assessments if OP only reports it to his son, who's made it clear he doesn't want it to be officially reported?

I've filled in an online report with the police and will be ringing adult social services in the morning. Feel shit about it but also know it's the right (only really) thing to do. I've also let NDN's son know what I've decided, no reply yet but I know I will have to block him if he tries to make me feel guilty, mostly because it will work

Thank you all for your advice, I was aware I was looking at this through the lens of my own experience with DGF (he had multiple strokes rather than dementia and we managed to keep him at home til he went into hospital for EOL care) but there was lots I hadn't considered/didn't know so it's all been really helpful.

I spoke to my other neighbour too, NDN also knocks at hers fairly regularly so I felt she needed to know. She's been on the verge of calling SS for a while apparently and has said she will also put a report in tomorrow about the other stuff that's been happening. I feel a bit like I've launched some kind of attack on an ill old man even though I know rationally that's not the case, but I guess I would have felt equally guilty knowing he isn't currently getting the care he needs so it was a no win situation really. Still feel shit though

You need to report this to adult social services and the police so that he can get the help he needs.

Plus it’s also endangering other people and himself. He could attach a child or someone not as strong as you. His behaviour is not okay and ge clearly needs more support.

Please report - you can do this now on the out of hours duty line for your local county council.
If you don't you are leaving him at risk of harm in addition to those he comes into contact with.
Social Care will then assess. Maybe he just needs more support at home? Maybe he does need residential care. Maybe the son needs more support... That's not your decision to make, but you do need to report this.

@Viviennemary

I think its your absolute duty to report this no matter what the son says. Imagine if something more serious happens. Or you could phone an Ahlzeimers helpline and see what they suggest you should do.

This. It will happen again. Everyone knew the nice lady on our street who wandered around knocking on doors because she couldn't recognize her house from the outside. Someone would always lead her home. Until one day when she left the neighborhood, walked half a mile down the main street in her nightgown, went dumpster diving behind the local grocery store and broke both legs when the metal lid fell. She ended her days in a wheelchair. But she didn't wander the neighborhood anymore.

Of course the son doesn't want his dad in a home as he would have to sell his house to fund it and use up son's inheritance. Why don't you suggest to son that he move in with his dad or that his dad moves in with him? Alternatively that he arranges for more care. Extra Care would be a good solution.

Definitely report it to social services. It's not a police matter as NDN doesn't have full mental capacity.

All the best op

You really, really need to notify local police asap; and then tell his son.

This may be part of a wider pattern of his behaviour that's being monitored.

I'm glad you are reporting. The son is being very unfair to you and your neighbours and expecting you to help care for this man

NDN has been known to wander and my DH has occasionally had to scour the streets in the car at 11pm looking for him because son is frantic and can't get here (no buses that late and can't afford taxis) to look for him himself. It's obvious on these occasions (and sometimes when he stands close at my front door) that his hygiene isn't great and no one seems to be helping him with that so there's that too.

It won't kill ndn if he goes to a home and it really does sound like he might need the help they will give. Of course it isn't easy for anyone having to leave their home, but this man assaulted you. Not seriously this time, but what about next time? What if he is holding an item of some sort and hits you with that? What if he is hitting his other neighbours, who might also be elderly?
His son can't help as much as his dad needs and needs to accept it's time for outside help.

@Inthemuckheap

It's not a police matter as NDN doesn't have full mental capacity.

It is a police matter because someone has been assaulted.
Mental incapacity isn't a free pass to assault women.