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Original poster

What to write on card for colleague's new baby following a stillbirth?

153 replies

YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 15:27

Very grateful for advice, I don't want to be pushy or intrusive but also feel that her first baby is so very important still.

OP posts:
LowlyTheWorm · 12/09/2021 15:54

@simitra

I would just send a card for the new baby and not reference the still birth in case it awakes fears and sad memories.
Why? Do you think people might somehow forget they had a stillborn baby? I think the OP is lovely to be thinking of how to be sensitive to their loss.
TooWicked · 12/09/2021 15:57

I had a similar situation, a colleague/friend had a second child after her first baby only lived for a few weeks.

I wrote “congratulations to you and Partner on the arrival of your beautiful daughter Name, we are so happy for you, and are also remembering her sister Name at this time”

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/09/2021 15:59

I'd not mention a stillborn baby in a 'congratulations on the birth of your (new) baby' card.
Just no way.
I'd be upset to receive one and I'd not risk it OP.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
reluctantbrit · 12/09/2021 16:00

I wouldn’t mention it. All of the cards we got were put away for DD like I still have all the card my parents got for my birth, I wouldn’t mention any siblings, it’s a card for the new baby.

Violetroselily · 12/09/2021 16:00

@TooWicked

I had a similar situation, a colleague/friend had a second child after her first baby only lived for a few weeks.

I wrote “congratulations to you and Partner on the arrival of your beautiful daughter Name, we are so happy for you, and are also remembering her sister Name at this time”

This sounds perfect
beth821 · 12/09/2021 16:01

I liked it when people mentioned my first born (who died) in the card. Something like, congratulations on your second child or mentioning the first born name, or acknowleding that they are a little brother or sister

Schmooo · 12/09/2021 16:05

I lost a full-term baby; I would have loved for people to mention her when welcoming my daughter. You won't upset the parents, as other people have pointed out they won't have forgotten their first child, and they never will.

Waitingforthecowstocomehome · 12/09/2021 16:06

@pinkyredrose

Say 'congratulations', then sign your name.
What the fuck.
Theredjellybean · 12/09/2021 16:09

I have a friend who terminated at 24 weeks due to significant deformities. She gave the baby a name, had her blessed at delivery by family priest etc. She was baby number two, she went on to have two more... Yrs later she says I am the only person who ever mentioned her first daughter by name, the onky person to refer to her as a mother of four not three, and yes I mentioned the lost baby in new baby cards.
"congratulations to xxx and xxx on the safe arrival of baby Xxxx, a new brother for xxx rembering baby xxx at this time."

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 16:09

@YogaRetreatsWithBacon

Sorry, do you mean this is her second child, following the stillbirth of her first?

Yes, exactly.

Ah, that wasn't too clear at first! I wouldn't make any reference to the first child, there's no need at all. In fact it would be quite crass, I feel.
BungleandGeorge · 12/09/2021 16:12

@reluctantbrit

I wouldn’t mention it. All of the cards we got were put away for DD like I still have all the card my parents got for my birth, I wouldn’t mention any siblings, it’s a card for the new baby.
I agree with this. It’s a card for the baby that has just arrived. If this is a work collection maybe suggest that you could use some of the money to donate to a baby loss charity in memory or something similar but I would keep the 2 seperate
Viviennemary · 12/09/2021 16:13

I wouldn't refer to a stillbirth on the card.

Original poster
YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 16:16

I really don't want to upset her in any way... really grateful for everyone's opinions though and especially to those who have lost their own babies Flowers

OP posts:
RacistAngst · 12/09/2021 16:17

I’d follow the lead of the posters on this thread who have actually lost a baby….

Flowers to all of you…

Bea11 · 12/09/2021 16:18

I think you are a really kind person to have asked this question. I had a baby that only lived a few hours and when I went on to have another baby, the cards that meant the most to me were the ones that mentioned my baby that had died. Your colleague will think of their previous baby every day and it will mean so much to her to know that her friends and colleagues haven't forgotten either.

DeadButDelicious · 12/09/2021 16:18

@Viviennemary

I wouldn't refer to a stillbirth on the card.
That 'stillbirth' will have a name. They will be loved and missed and thought of every single day. They aren't some secret to be kept and never spoken of.
dryasaboner · 12/09/2021 16:20

Could you not just say congratulations on your rainbow baby (insert babies name)

Bea11 · 12/09/2021 16:20

@RacistAngst

I’d follow the lead of the posters on this thread who have actually lost a baby….

Flowers to all of you…

Thank you xx
GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 16:20

@RacistAngst

I’d follow the lead of the posters on this thread who have actually lost a baby….

Flowers to all of you…

Mmm... There isn't a general consensus, though. I'd have utterly hated this.
Onaloop · 12/09/2021 16:23

I find this thread really interesting. I experienced the loss of a baby and subsequently went to a group counselling session and also met other mothers in the same position in other situations- i dont know a single one who didnt want to talk about their lost babies and they all found it really touching when someone mentioned the baby by name, or went out of their way to ask them about the baby and their experience.

Obviously this was only about 15 women in total and not everyone who's had a similar experience will feel the same, but I really think there's a misconception that when you lose a baby you never want to talk about them ever again and that mentioning them is a bad idea - I've only felt and found that the opposite is true. You remember your baby every day and its really nice when someone else does too.

Onaloop · 12/09/2021 16:26

@DeadButDelicious Im sorry for your loss too and thank you. Yes its very unique journey (and also a pretty angst ridden one!)

saraclara · 12/09/2021 16:26

My children loved to read the cards I got when they were born. I think it would be very hard for a child to read cards about their birth that reference their stillborn sibling.

Just say what you'd say for any other new baby's arrival.

CarpeDiem83 · 12/09/2021 16:27

Another one here who has lost a baby in late pregnancy and would love to see his name in a card to commemorate a future sibling (hoping that will be us someday).

As others have said, it's lovely when someone acknowledges our son, what hurts more than 'insensitive' comments is the complete silence from some quarters. As someone said above, you won't be reminding them of something sad as they will be thinking of their first baby all the time.

X

5zeds · 12/09/2021 16:28

I would just say congratulations and how happy you are for them.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 16:29

If you don't know how the mother will feel, consider it from a risk perspective.

If it turns out that she quite likes having the previous baby mentioned, you not mentioning it won't register for her at all.
If it turns out that she wants this baby's arrival to be full of joy, and for it to be recognised simply for itself, then you referencing the other child will be jarring at best, and upsetting at worst.

Go for least harm.