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Original poster

What to write on card for colleague's new baby following a stillbirth?

153 replies

YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 15:27

Very grateful for advice, I don't want to be pushy or intrusive but also feel that her first baby is so very important still.

OP posts:
Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 16:58

No please don't do the rainbow thing. Sipposedly, I have two 'rainbow babies'. I would never refer to either of them in this way though, I just don't get it, they're no different to any other child, nothing special or rainbow about them. Well they're clearly very special because they're my kids, obvs 🥰

PaperDolphin · 12/09/2021 16:59

@RacistAngst

I’d follow the lead of the posters on this thread who have actually lost a baby….

Flowers to all of you…

100% this
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 16:59

Oh god please don't call someone's baby a "rainbow baby" unless they have specifically said that's OK.

I've had people say it to me and it's bloody awful. My children are children in their own right and not "rainbows after the storm" the 'storm' is ongoing and doesn't end because you have another child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 17:00

I’ve been your friend. I’d have been so moved if anyone had sent me a card. I suggest something like

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m thinking of you at this awful time

itsgettingwierd · 12/09/2021 17:01

@LouNatics

Delighted to hear your good news! Thinking of you all as you welcome baby (new baby name)

It’s subtle but she’ll get it.

This is fab. It says it all without saying it.
Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 17:02

@PaperDolphin @RacistAngst I would have initially agreed. However, reading through the responses it appears that some would not have liked the baby to be mentioned in a card. Whilst most people who have experienced late loss would like their baby to be acknowledged and still see them as part of the family, it appears there's a minority who don't. What if she is in this minority. Also, may depend on how close they feel to the sender of card?

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 17:02

Forget what I said above. I should RTFT. @LouNatics has it perfectly.

itsgettingwierd · 12/09/2021 17:04

The general consensus from those who have suffered the loss of a stillborn - Thanks to you all - seems to be to acknowledge it.

I'd go with what they say as they are the people best placed to know and understand.

It wouldn't be what I'd think of but certainly in future I would do this now knowing how those parents would feel and want their babies to be remembered.

user1487194234 · 12/09/2021 17:04

I don't like the rainbow baby thing either

Travelledtheworld · 12/09/2021 17:04

@DeadButDelicious perfect IMHO.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 17:05

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Oh god please don't call someone's baby a "rainbow baby" unless they have specifically said that's OK.

I've had people say it to me and it's bloody awful. My children are children in their own right and not "rainbows after the storm" the 'storm' is ongoing and doesn't end because you have another child.

Yep. Anyone reading my previous posts will not be surprised to read that I HATE the term Rainbow baby. Subsequent babies are their own selves and shouldna be constantly linked to a previous loss. It's plain cruel IMO.
saraclara · 12/09/2021 17:06

The general consensus from those who have suffered the loss of a stillborn - thanks to you all - seems to be to acknowledge it.

No it isn't. Several people who've had a loss have not wanted this. And have been far more forceful in their opinion.

Weedsorwishes · 12/09/2021 17:08

This is very thoughtful of you

We had 2 children, then 3 losses then another child.

After our losses people who knew tended to say things like it's wonderful to hear your special news

Or delighted to hear your needs after everything you went through

I think what a previous poster has said about thinking of you all as you welcome your new baby are perfect. Subtle but lovely.

Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 17:09

Agree @saraclara whilst there may be a 'general consensus' there are those that go against the consensus. I do like the idea of thinking of you all though as it's subtle and hopefully wouldn't make anyone feel uncomfortable.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 12/09/2021 17:13

OP my first baby was stillborn and it means a lot to me when anyone remembers her😄 even now I have had my second DC. I know other people who have lost babies and they all feel that way in my experience.

If mentioning the other baby you should use their name if you know it.

Do what you feel comfortable with.

Plumtree391 · 12/09/2021 17:14

Your intentions are good, Yoga, but don't mention her first baby on the card, just write a congratulatory message for her new born. That is lovely for her.

PegasusReturns · 12/09/2021 17:15

The cards that meant the most to me after the arrival of my DC are those that referenced the loss of our earlier DC.

Sometimes people were very explicit (usually elderly neighbours/ relatives) and others more subtle but I appreciated all those that understood that it was a time of mixed emotions for us.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 17:16

The general consensus from those who have suffered the loss of a stillborn - thanks to you all - seems to be to acknowledge it.

Not on a work card for a random colleague where 20 different people write a few words each and they stick some vouchers in the card.

If you're closer and you send your own card, yes, you have the relationship, and space in the card, to be more thoughtful and acknowledge her situation with the care and thought it deserves.

Each person is so individual that there's no consensus that really matters, what matters is what the parents think, and if you're not close enough to the parents to know or ask, then it's best to err on the side of caution.

Runnerduck34 · 12/09/2021 17:18

Do not send a new baby card, sorry but I think that's insensitive.
I would send a card with a nice picture ( not of a baby!)and no words on the front. Then write your own personal message inside saying sorry for your loss ,thinking of you etc.
Or you could send flowers with similar message . I think it's important to acknowledge her loss but I definitely would bin the new baby card.

Branleuse · 12/09/2021 17:18

I am absolutely thrilled to hear your good news after everything youve been through. Welcome to the world little one and congratulations

Runnerduck34 · 12/09/2021 17:19

Sorry just realised I misread your post, I thought she had had a still birth- duh ignore me!

BrilloPaddy · 12/09/2021 17:21

I suffered the horror of a late stillbirth, and would encourage you to remember their 1st baby.

Congratulations on the birth of your second child? Or congratulations and thinking of you like a pp said.

They'll be only too aware of their loss right now and it's important to acknowledge that in a kind way Flowers

Chucklecheeks01 · 12/09/2021 17:21

My rule with 'death' is I'd much rather upset someone by mentioning their deceased love one than upset them by never mentioning them at all.

They are dead, not forgotten.

RosesAndHellebores · 12/09/2021 17:24

I've been in this position. I would have welcomed the sentiment from a friend, not necessarily a colleague. But I caveat that with the fact that Alexander would be 24 now and I think times have moved on.

Those who have known us for less than 24 years don't know.

QueeniesCroft · 12/09/2021 17:29

I've been in this position, and I wanted my next child's birth to be about them, and for them not to be seen as a consolation prize after the loss of their sibling.
If she isn't a close, friend, say nothing. It can be very hard for someone who may be struggling (constantly waking to check the baby is still breathing, for example) to be constantly dragged back into the worst time of their life when they are trying to concentrate on the joy of having a new child who has survived.