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What to write on card for colleague's new baby following a stillbirth?

153 replies

YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 15:27

Very grateful for advice, I don't want to be pushy or intrusive but also feel that her first baby is so very important still.

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 12/09/2021 17:31

I agree that a close friend, in a personal card from just them, might make oblique reference to the lost baby, if they knew from talking that it was still very much in their mind.

However, in a group card from lots of colleagues (the later signatories of which will read your comments) it would be inappropriate from either a good friend or even worse from someone who was just a colleague. Not everyone might even know about the stillbirth. A communal card is not the place to raise the issue, even in a kindly meant way,

I have had friends who have had stillbirths or miscarriages (sometimes several) and when there has finally been a baby, I have felt the card was to celebrate that event and that birth. I have never mentioned the previous misfortunes. Likewise, with someone who has had multiple rounds of IVF that have failed before succeeding, I haven’t overtly referenced those in a card. Reference to delight about ‘your much longed for darling boy/girl’ would be as far as I’d go. In my mind it’s a time for focusing on the joy of the arrival and there are times to recognise the lost babies or disappointments, but the card for the new baby simply isn’t the time.

And certainly not in a communal work card. Good to have asked the Q Op as your intentions were kindly meant, but your feeling of concern that it might not be appropriate was spot on, especially in a communal card.

QueeniesCroft · 12/09/2021 17:31

I've been in this position, and I wanted my next child's birth to be about them, and for them not to be seen as a consolation prize after the loss of their sibling.
Sorry, I know that's not what you meant, OP, but people say really stupid things and this was very much the sort of thing I heard, f in slightly different words.

Thefaceofboe · 12/09/2021 17:31

I think what we have gathered from this thread is some people would love for their stillborn child to be mentioned, others would hate it. None of us know your colleague so it’s honestly down to you to judge the situation Flowers

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

DeadButDelicious · 12/09/2021 17:34

I talk about my daughter often, I include her in everything I can, that is the only 'life' I can give her and it helps me deal with her loss to make her a positive presence in our lives, rather than something sad. And whilst most, if not all of the parents who have lost children that I have met and there have been far too many, feel similarly and would love for our lost children to be remembered and mentioned, it is not, as has been evidenced by this thread, the same for everyone and those feelings are just as valid, the experience is different for everyone, so maybe on reflection 'thinking of you all' is the best way to go about it, especially if it's a works card that everyone is signing, if it's just from you, you will have to use your best judgement.

I agree on the rainbow thing, If they haven't expressly stated that they view this as a rainbow pregnancy I would steer well clear of all that. Personally I didn't mind it, we received some rainbow themed gifts it was nice I appreciated the sentiment. Like others have said though, babies born after loss are not a fix of anything, the storm carries on and I can definitely see how it can be very upsetting for people and not how they want to view subsequent pregnancies.

Lorw · 12/09/2021 17:35

Never been through it. However my mum did and she still talks about him after 20 years, we all do, we don’t pretend he doesn’t exist. She got big brother cards for him when my younger brother was born, She’s kept them all apart from a few she chose to put on his grave. So maybe that’s an option?

October2020 · 12/09/2021 17:36

Have a look at the Infertile Midwife on Instagram. She has just had a baby after the loss of her twins and posts a lot that I think would help you in finding the right words.

I personally would make sure I said things like 'addition to your family' rather than 'start of your family' etc but other than that it would depend on how much she shared about her child, if she still brings her baby up in conversation, if you know the baby's name etc.

YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 17:37

It’s not a communal card, just something from me. It’s really hard to know what to do especially as we’ve been working from home and she had initially asked for privacy. But as I said, she was really kind to me when I started working with her and I really was delighted to hear the good news as well as so sorry to hear about her first baby.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 17:46

@YogaRetreatsWithBacon

It’s not a communal card, just something from me. It’s really hard to know what to do especially as we’ve been working from home and she had initially asked for privacy. But as I said, she was really kind to me when I started working with her and I really was delighted to hear the good news as well as so sorry to hear about her first baby.
It doesn't sound like you were around when she had her first child? In which case it would be very off the mark to directly reference them, especially given that she specifically asked for privacy. I think that statement alone makes it clear that she doesn't want work colleagues referencing her loss.
YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 17:54

I started working with her in autumn 2019 and her first baby was born during lockdown. I’m not going back into the office until Wednesday so plenty of time to think.

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 12/09/2021 17:55

My sister lost her six week daughter to cot death. Went on to have a son to add to two older siblings.

My b-i-l still visits her memorial every week. She would be 32.

Parents never forget their children. The birth of the new baby will be extra joyful, and also bittersweet.

Dyrne · 12/09/2021 17:56

[quote Opalfeet]**@PaperDolphin* @RacistAngst* I would have initially agreed. However, reading through the responses it appears that some would not have liked the baby to be mentioned in a card. Whilst most people who have experienced late loss would like their baby to be acknowledged and still see them as part of the family, it appears there's a minority who don't. What if she is in this minority. Also, may depend on how close they feel to the sender of card?[/quote]
How dare you?

Accusing people of not seeing their first children as “part of the family” because they deal with their grief differently?

iwannabelikeyouhoohoo · 12/09/2021 17:57

My first baby died and I absolutely loved messages for my secondborn that included his sister. I am part of a huge baby loss community on Instagram and I know that my feelings are common. The PP who are asking how close you are/saying don’t send a card at all/don’t mention a stillbirth on a new baby card - if you have experienced a late loss yourself, you surely know you are in the minority. If you haven’t then those are very unhelpful comments as you really don’t have a clue.

I’d go with “congratulations on the birth of xxx; thinking of you all and remembering xxxx at this very special time”.

Babamamananarama · 12/09/2021 18:06

There are several posters here who've been in the position of having a second baby after stillborn child and all of them (as far as I can see) have said it would mean a lot to them to have their first child honoured in the card.

Other posters saying 'oh no don't mention it, it's crass/might upset them' please LISTEN to what people who've experienced child loss say.

We are awful in this country at sensitively acknowledging death and loss and it makes it even harder for the bereaved when others skate round the subject.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 18:06

The PP who are asking how close you are/saying don’t send a card at all/don’t mention a stillbirth on a new baby card - if you have experienced a late loss yourself, you surely know you are in the minority.

Not in the minority at all. Lots of people don't like random strangers/work collegues/friends of friends bringing up their baby with no warning whatsoever.

It initially sounded like it was a communal office card, that wouldn't have been appropriate at all.

Now it transpires that the lady, herself, asked for privacy, so still not appropriate.

However, reading through the responses it appears that some would not have liked the baby to be mentioned in a card. Whilst most people who have experienced late loss would like their baby to be acknowledged and still see them as part of the family, it appears there's a minority who don't.

This is just rude. My children are still a massive part of my family. I have photos up, my children and I talk about them and have traditions that include them. That doesn't mean that I want random people I barely know to gossip about my losses, or people I hardly know to mention them when I don't expect it, or for colleagues I barely know to decide that they wish to write about them on a card at a time that I'm feeling particularly bittersweet about anyway. That doesn't mean my babies aren't a part of my family. There's more than one way to grieve.

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 18:09

Whilst most people who have experienced late loss would like their baby to be acknowledged and still see them as part of the family, it appears there's a minority who don't.
What an absolutely diabolical post. You have no fucking idea.

Namechangearoo · 12/09/2021 18:13

You’ll never know 100% what is the right thing to do. All you can do is go with what the majority of people who have actually gone through baby loss would prefer, which I think is clear from this thread. I also loved having my stillborn baby referenced in her siblings’ welcome cards (and Christmas cards). She hasn’t forgotten her baby died. She will remember every single day and you won’t be reminding her and bringing up bad memories Hmm She might be in the small minority that wouldn’t like a mention of her first baby but she is far more likely to be in the majority that would. Just not saying anything or not sending a card at all would have made me so sad.

iwannabelikeyouhoohoo · 12/09/2021 18:16

Not in the minority at all. Lots of people don't like random strangers/work collegues/friends of friends bringing up their baby with no warning whatsoever.

Definitely in the minority both on this thread and my friendship group.

You’ll never know 100% what is the right thing to do. All you can do is go with what the majority of people who have actually gone through baby loss would prefer, which I think is clear from this thread.

Couldn’t agree more.

DeadButDelicious · 12/09/2021 18:21

Whilst most people who have experienced late loss would like their baby to be acknowledged and still see them as part of the family, it appears there's a minority who don't.

This is a terrible thing to say.

When I first lost my daughter I went into a sort of denial, I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want to talk about it. It was only myself and my husband at her funeral which is something I deeply regret 6 years on. It took me 5 months to get to a point where I could acknowledge what happened and talk about it without getting angry. Getting to the point I'm at now was not an easy or short road. Every persons grief is different.

You really do have no fucking idea.

JeVoudrais · 12/09/2021 18:31

If I knew them reasonably well I'd probably address the card to the mum, dad and firstborn, congratulating them on their second born.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 18:33

Definitely in the minority both on this thread and my friendship group.

Confused there is no bereaved parent 'hive mind' where there are votes about what's upsetting and what's not. Its a weird thing to want to flex about as well "I know better because my mates all agree with me".

This lady asked for privacy. Op needs to respect that.

Blossomtoes · 12/09/2021 18:37

@JeVoudrais

If I knew them reasonably well I'd probably address the card to the mum, dad and firstborn, congratulating them on their second born.
You’d do what? You’d address a card to a dead baby? What planet are you on?
saraclara · 12/09/2021 18:48

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Definitely in the minority both on this thread and my friendship group.

Confused there is no bereaved parent 'hive mind' where there are votes about what's upsetting and what's not. Its a weird thing to want to flex about as well "I know better because my mates all agree with me".

This lady asked for privacy. Op needs to respect that.

Exactly. It doesn't matter how many people who have been in the same situation, agree with you. It doesn't mean that yours is the only way of thinking.

OP doesn't know what this woman wants (other than the privacy she's not respecting) so to do anything other than celebrate this baby in the usual way, is risking distress. Why would anyone do that?

FazedNotPhased · 12/09/2021 18:48

What is clear that there are people on this thread who would welcome it, and people for whom it would be deeply uncomfortable or upsetting. Some people find the term 'rainbow baby' comforting, I personally find it crass and detracts from the new baby as an individual. Neither of us is wrong, it's just down to how we cope differently 🤷

You don't know which category your colleague falls into, so you need to go for the most benign option - congratulations and nothing more. It is the safest thing to do.

Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 18:54

@Dyrne no you misread my message, I meant some people don't want their baby to be acknowledged by others.

user7012893145776 · 12/09/2021 18:54

My best friend had a stillbirth and was so sad she didn't receive cards. She said it was as if her dd wasn't born at all.

I got her a card and wrote her, partner and babies name and said I'm thinking of them all and a huge bunch of flowers.