What to write on card for colleague's new baby following a stillbirth?

[YogaRetreatsWithBacon]

Very grateful for advice, I don't want to be pushy or intrusive but also feel that her first baby is so very important still.

Well more than anything it is a congratulations and I would hate to be insensitive so I think I will use the ‘thinking of you all’ wording as someone suggested earlier.

I really do appreciate people trying to help.

There are some really dreadful idiots on this thread. Thank God I didn't encounter any of you in real life.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult no not rude, a grammatical error which changed the meaning, so I'm sorry but it wasn't intended. I actually intended it to say some people don't want their baby to be acknowledged.

However, there may be some people who do deal with grief differently too and that's okay if they don't want to add their child on to their list of children.

@GreyhoundG1rl I do have an idea having experienced a number if losses myself. It was a grammatical error, I actually meant that some if the posters on here do not want their child or baby to be acknowledged by others

However, there may be some people who do deal with grief differently too and that's okay if they don't want to add their child on to their list of children.
Why do you just stop digging? What does the above nonsense even bloody mean?

The thing is you are clearly thinking of your colleague / friend and I if you mention the first baby I think it would be appreciated at the very least as showing you were coming from a good place but IME and even on this thread most parents want others to remember their baby.

Some of my colleagues who I don't see outside work and would refer to as colleagues rather than friends are the ones who acknowledge my first born and even remembered her birthday and anniversary. I e been very hurt by some people not acknowledging her.

Being part of several baby loss groups I have heard of baby being upset that their stillborn baby was not acknowledged or that people seem to think they are all better now they have another baby. I don't recall any of them ever complaining someone they don't know well enough overstepped by mentioning them.

Your instinct seemed to be to acknowledge the first baby so I would go with that but of course no one can know for sure what she would prefer.

Oh Christmas cards to a similar family I put the names and add 'never forgetting ----'

Could you congratulate them on their “new edition to the family” ?

They will get it.

Fucking hell.

Preferring to welcome their second child in their own right is not fucking equivalent to “not wanting anyone to acknowledge their first born ever”.

Not digging at all @GreyhoundG1rl. Initially, I would have agreed it's best to acknowledge the child, then I read some posters who said that it would be the worst thing ever. So there's a minority who wouldn't feel comfortable their child being acknowledged. It was clumsily worded, but their was no intention to say that people didn't see them as their family. As someone who knows many people who have experienced loss and someone who has experienced loss themselves I feel I should be able to say what I meant. If you don't believe me, that's fine

I didn't say that @Dyrne we were talking about the card.

@Opalfeet

Not digging at all *@GreyhoundG1rl*. Initially, I would have agreed it's best to acknowledge the child, then I read some posters who said that it would be the worst thing ever. So there's a minority who wouldn't feel comfortable their child being acknowledged. It was clumsily worded, but their was no intention to say that people didn't see them as their family. As someone who knows many people who have experienced loss and someone who has experienced loss themselves I feel I should be able to say what I meant. If you don't believe me, that's fine

Fair enough.

I would write something along the lines of 'So pleased to hear of the safe arrival of (baby name), remembering (1st baby) at this special time'.

I like this wording very much.

[quote Opalfeet]@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult no not rude, a grammatical error which changed the meaning, so I'm sorry but it wasn't intended. I actually intended it to say some people don't want their baby to be acknowledged.

However, there may be some people who do deal with grief differently too and that's okay if they don't want to add their child on to their list of children.[/quote]
It was exceptionally rude, and if it was a grammatical error why did you say to @Dyrne that they misread it?

Honestly the people on here who see their way of dealing with their child's death as superior is just weird. We are all different, each of our losses is personal and individual to us as is our grieving process.

Again, the ops collegue asked for privacy.

It doesn't matter what anyone else on this thread thinks, how they did it, what they would prefer, if they took a vote among their mates or anything else. Giving the collegue the privacy she asked for is the only thing that's important.

I would appreciate it if someone remembered and named my lost baby in a "rainbow baby congratulations card. A brother for x and x. But appreciate that not everyone in the same position would like it.

My loss was a late TFMR, so there's stigma attached which is possibly why I personally would appreciate the sentiment.

Someone asked me his name today and it meant a lot to me.

I'm so sorry to everyone who has lost a child ❤️

A friend of mine was in that situation after her first baby died - she especially wanted people to remember her first baby as well when her second was born. Some of the formulations upthread sound perfect - something like “Many many congratulations on the birth of Z, and remembering always X”. I don’t think she would be offended to receive that.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Definitely in the minority both on this thread and my friendship group.

there is no bereaved parent 'hive mind' where there are votes about what's upsetting and what's not. Its a weird thing to want to flex about as well "I know better because my mates all agree with me".

This lady asked for privacy. Op needs to respect that.

But you are the minority on this thread. Not saying anything is much more upsetting to me than acknowledging our loss. Obviously it’s the other way round for you and that doesn’t make you wrong/me right/vice versa. I’m just saying that the option of not saying something isn’t a guaranteed way of avoiding distress and in my experience/on this thread, it seems most would prefer an acknowledgment. It’s not a “flex” to disagree with you, there’s no need to be arsey.

When DS1 was born, alot of the cards read "congratulations Yousee, Mr yousee and DSD".
If I had a baby now, I'd want stillborn DS2 included if the other kids were, his place in the family is unchanged by the fact he is dead.
Equally, it's ok for this card to be just about the new baby. They could so easily end up in the shadow of their stillborn sibling. I'm determined that won't happen to DS1.
In your shoes id make the card about the baby (they may well read these cards one day!) and send a message to say your thinking about her other baby, too. There is nothing so precious to me as knowing other people remember DS2 as well. It keeps him on Earth with me, in some strange way.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult because I read that comment first and then I realised others had commented so a lot had misread it and so it was MY grammatical error. But still refuse to accept it as rude as was not the message I intended

I can understand the strength of feeling evident on this thread and I do not think anyone wishes ill will.

If I may venture my perspective, I’ve never had a verbal acknowledgement of my lost babies from anyone other than the health care professionals we spoke with during and immediately after the losses. None of my family or friends ever spoke about them or knew their names. I’m not saying they weren’t caring, they were, but they went from treating me as someone who was pregnant, to treating me as someone who was ill/recovering, and the babies were never mentioned. Of course, it is different to lose babies in mid-pregnancy as I did (19-22 weeks) because they are never legally born and they never legally die. There is no record of them, no funeral, no baptism or naming ceremony, no birth or death certificate. My lost babies are just a footnote on my medical record, not people who can be included on a Christmas card. I am pretty sure if I asked my DH he would be unable to tell me the names we gave the babies now because their association with those names were so very brief and fleeting - one line on the post mortem form. Honestly, I would not expect anyone to remember them but me, and that’s not a bad thing. They never existed to anyone but me, never had a life apart from as part of me, so it would be very odd and almost intrusive to see them acknowledged now by anyone.

For me, the vague wording I suggested on the first page would be ideal. Every loss is a different one and to my mind, it covers all preferences.

I wouldn’t reference a previous stillbirth in a new baby card to a work colleague or even to a family member. Having had one myself and then a subsequent birth less than a year later, I wanted to celebrate the birth of my twins and not think about what happened before. I think it would have taken the wind out of my sails for a bit if a work colleague had done that and I wasn’t expecting it.

It’s a lovely thought OP but I’d err on the side of caution and not mention it.

I loved the cards that mentioned our little DD, that we lost. She was always in my heart anyway. Seeing her name was like being understood at a time I could hardly understand myself. Like someone got that need for her to have existed.
The thing with grief is we are all different and even our own needs ebb and flow depending upon the time of year etc.
You will find the right words op, because you are obviously someone who cares. That shines through in the way you want to do the right thing for her to cause her least pain.

Symbolism can convey meaning more gently if you chose your card right. Often leaving the meaning open to her own interpretation and needs. For example a butterfly resting on a baby may just be seen as a butterfly and a baby, but if she needs/wants it to be more it might symbolise her babies together. Etc.

I wouldn't mention her stillborn if you're not close

I have one friend who lost at 37 weeks and talks about her baby a lot. I am happy mentioning him because she does. Another friend went through similar, but more recently and she doesn’t mention her baby.
Were either of them to be in the position of having a new baby I would mention my first friend’s baby but not the second.

In this situation, where you aren’t that close, I would say ‘congratulations on welcoming baby X into your family’. You acknowledge that they are already a family without saying as much.

Perhaps you aren’t close enough to know and should therefore take the safe route. My colleague whose twins died two days after birth announced her new baby as ‘a little brother for Bill and Fred’ so it was very clear what she would want.
A card and separate message might also be an option.