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Original poster

What to write on card for colleague's new baby following a stillbirth?

153 replies

YogaRetreatsWithBacon · 12/09/2021 15:27

Very grateful for advice, I don't want to be pushy or intrusive but also feel that her first baby is so very important still.

OP posts:

TableFlowerss · 12/09/2021 16:29

@DeadButDelicious

Hello, I lost a baby very late into pregnancy and the cards that meant the most to me were the ones that included my deceased daughter. She is still very much a part of our family even if she isn't here and it means the absolute world to me when people include her, rather than ignore her existence because it makes them uncomfortable. You won't be 'reminding' them, they haven't forgotten, I should imagine that their first baby is very much on their minds right now.

I would write something along the lines of 'So pleased to hear of the safe arrival of (baby name), remembering (1st baby) at this special time'.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. People feel uncomfortable not because they’re heartless, but the fear of causing upset.

I don’t think the average person would write what you suggested on a card sent to a colleague. A close friend yes but not someone you work with. Whilst you might have really appreciated it, I assume not everyone feels like that.

CarpeDiem83 · 12/09/2021 16:30

This.

Sending love to everyone else on this thread who has experienced baby loss.

CarpeDiem83 · 12/09/2021 16:31

@CarpeDiem83

This.

Sending love to everyone else on this thread who has experienced baby loss.

That was supposed to quote another message. Mumsnet fail!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 16:31

'So pleased to hear of the safe arrival of (baby name), remembering (1st baby) at this special time'.
I'd have utterly hated it, and am so glad nobody thought it was in any way appropriate for us. Either time.

Cleverpolly3 · 12/09/2021 16:31

Totally appreciate your dilemma. It’s so so subjective as of course it must be. A still birth is such a heartbreaking and devastating experience completely different to other deaths.

But the baby that they lost was their first child and something tells me that you wouldn’t not want them to be a part of these celebrations. However that might just be me.

It hasn’t happened to me and everyone feels differently. I think if it had I might appreciate something like

Sending love and congratulations on the birth of ……
And then after my name and x
I might write somewhere underneath
“Insert name of their first baby, and a ❤️“

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 16:34

If you don't know what people are dealing with or how they're dealing with it, err on the side of caution.

Antinerak · 12/09/2021 16:34

If you know the baby's name, mention them by name. If their name has been shared or referred to it means she wants them to be spoken about IME. "Thinking of you all and remembering X as you welcome Y into the world" or "Thinking of you all as you welcome Y into the world" Both are sensitive, neither mention Y as the first baby or the only child. She will of course be thinking of X at the moment and would likely appreciate your mention of them.

WorraLiberty · 12/09/2021 16:35

Your colleague has just had a baby.

I would send a card congratulating her on the birth of her baby.

I don't think there's any need to reference any previous children.

TableFlowerss · 12/09/2021 16:38

@GreyhoundG1rl

'So pleased to hear of the safe arrival of (baby name), remembering (1st baby) at this special time'. I'd have utterly hated it, and am so glad nobody thought it was in any way appropriate for us. Either time.

And this is exactly why I would never refer to their first baby on a congratulations card for their second baby. I’d be terrified it would cause upset. Best to not say anything.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Thefaceofboe · 12/09/2021 16:38

Could you not just say congratulations on your rainbow baby (insert babies name)

A lot of people who have lost babies don’t like the term rainbow baby so I personally wouldn’t put that.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/09/2021 16:39

Two of my children have died.

My children write their names on my 'Mum' cards on birthdays and Christmas and mothers days.

Close friends have mentioned my children when I had other babies.

Those things were heartwarming to me.

If a colleague had taken it upon themselves to write my children's names on a congrats card from work I would have found it too much. A simple congratulations would be fine.

If you are more friendly then I would write a separate card using the advice from this thread, but I wouldn't write it in the work one.

Blufandango · 12/09/2021 16:40

I was in a similar situation with my colleague. They had been very open about their loss and their first born was very much part of their family. I wrote the card without mentioning the first baby, I included a note recognising the first born and how happy I hoped they would all be as a family. I thought that way they could glance at the note if they wanted and the card could be put up without them having to think, although I know full well they would be thinking about all their children, me mentioning it didn't make them think about, it just showed I was thinking of them all. They said they welcomed the approach (and I know they would have said if they didn't)

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/09/2021 16:41

Thanks, Tableflowerss

BraveGoldie · 12/09/2021 16:42

A colleague of mine recently lost her baby and she has made very clear that she wants to talk about her son and not have him forgotten by others (or seem to be forgotten because they don't dare say anything).....we were sent advice on how best to support that came from sands.org.uk . They have lots of resources, including a booklet specifically for friends and families.

While there are no absolutes of course, the very strong message and consensus from these resources are to talk about it, in particular mentioning the child by name... and that parents find seeming to forget harder to get over than any well-meaning, reasonably sensitive clumsiness.

saraclara · 12/09/2021 16:44

Jeeze, many of these sentimental posts are terrifying me.

If I'd had a card like some of you are suggesting, I'd have absolutely hated it. Some of these read like they're all about you, and not about the parents.

Just congratulate them on the happy news, FFS. Some parents might like this stuff, but the ones who wouldn't welcome it would HATE it.

StoatMilk · 12/09/2021 16:44

@JMAngel1

Oh my goodness, do not send a card!!

Read the post

Onaloop · 12/09/2021 16:45

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult oh yes I definitely wouldnt write it in a shared office card or anything, but in a private card yes.

@Blufandango this is a very nice approach

davidrosejumper · 12/09/2021 16:45

I agree with @DeadButDelicious.

As someone who has had a late pregnancy loss experience (but has not yet had a successful pregnancy since), I would not have minded to have my lost baby included in such a message. The baby is on my mind on a daily basis, and any baby that would follow would be perceived as their sibling and our second-born.

Perhaps something like: "After all you and your family have been through, I am so very happy to hear the wonderful news of your baby's arrival." ?

Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 16:47

@DeadButDelicious @Onaloop

Also agree with what you wrote, I think she will feel touched that you have remembered and doesn't want it swept under the carpet. Her stillborn child will still be very much part of her family, I am sure. I haven't experienced loss at such a late stage ( thank god). But I know those that have will have felt the same way that deadbutdelicios and onaloop describe.

user1471523870 · 12/09/2021 16:49

I might be the odd one out. I didn't get any mention of my stillborn daughter when his twin brother was born and didn't even think about that. It was such a terrible and wonderful time for me and I was desperately trying to be happy for my son. I wouldn't have liked reminders of the loss of my daughter.
Also, I kept all those cards for him and, while he will be told about his sister, I think I want him to see how many people celebrated his arrival in this world.
Just to say, be careful as we are not all reacting the same way.

user1487194234 · 12/09/2021 16:52

I would just send a card for the new baby and not reference the still birth in case it awakes fears and sad memories.

Believe me she will be remembering
Delighted to hear your good news! Thinking of you all as you welcome baby (new baby name)
I think this might work

One thing worse than people wanting to forget your lost child is people thinking a new baby makes it all better

Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 16:55

Just read a lot of the responses and I can see there's a few people that say they would have hated it. Yeah, maybe the relationship does affect things a bit. How about a separate little note (or a tiny card) as someone suggested.

SunsetandCupcakes · 12/09/2021 16:55

@user1487194234

I would just send a card for the new baby and not reference the still birth in case it awakes fears and sad memories.

Believe me she will be remembering
Delighted to hear your good news! Thinking of you all as you welcome baby (new baby name)
I think this might work

One thing worse than people wanting to forget your lost child is people thinking a new baby makes it all better

I also like this, it is subtle but still remembering the baby she lost.

DrSeuss · 12/09/2021 16:56

Can you find a card, perhaps not a baby card, just a card, with a rainbow on it? Maybe a reference to rainbows coming after the storm, since she now has a Rainbow Baby?

Opalfeet · 12/09/2021 16:56

Yes, I like that...thinking of you all...that's a nice message that you are thinking of them X

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