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Original poster

Absolutely SICK of men leering at my 14 year old!

212 replies

MakeminealargeSauvignon · 04/07/2021 19:00

Hi,

I know I'm far from alone and it's nothing new, depressingly, but after having dinner out tonight, quite honestly, I have absolutely had enough of leery fucking perverts staring at my child. This has been going on for probably the last 4 or so years.....so since she was about 10! It's absolutely disgusting!

She is clearly still a child. Not a 14 year old who looks like a 17/18 year old. Not that it's ever ok to be leered at at any age, but seriously, are there really this many disgusting paedophiles out there?!

Tonight, out of 4 tables of men with their families, 3 of them gawped and I mean gawped at my dd. She didn't notice the first 2, but the last she did and it made her so uncomfortable she was almost in tears and asked if we could go. The first 2 I gave a knowing icy glare and they quite quickly stopped, but the last was the worst and I actually said on the way out after my dd had gone, "she's 14 btw!" And he didn't looked shocked at all, just mildly embarrassed. I didn't want to say anything, because they were with their families, but that one was particularly bad and I just couldn't ignore.

As I say, this is nothing new. I remember exactly the same when I was her age and younger, 20 plus years ago and it would have been the same 20 plus years before that.

How is this still going on?!

Depressing, disturbing and an accepted part of our society, it seems.

When will this stop?

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 04/07/2021 19:03

Nothing to add. Yes it happened to me from age 9/10, and yes my DD is now 10, and nothing has changed Sad

ahoyshipmates · 04/07/2021 19:05

"She's 14 you paedo" would have been a better parting quip.

shallIswim · 04/07/2021 19:05

Interested in responses here because frankly I never knew what to do when this happened to my teen DD. While on holiday in Italy once I literally walked two steps behind her to stop her bottom being mauled by randoms.
I think you were brave and correct to attempt to call out the leerers. Do you have a DH? What does he do when this happens?

toffeebutterpopcorn · 04/07/2021 19:05

@ahoyshipmates

"She's 14 you paedo" would have been a better parting quip.
That’s what I was going to say!
Tangled22 · 04/07/2021 19:07

This is very odd OP, and I would be very angry too. Is she uncommonly beautiful?

Have you had a talk with her about this? I think it would help if you did so, and gave her some coping mechanisms. So e.g. “those men were staring because they think you are beautiful, but it’s very inappropriate as they should be able to tell how young you are. And even when if you were an adult, staring is still rude. Feel free to tell them to bugger off/stop staring/ask them what they’re staring at/tell them you’re only 14”.

I think at 14 I would focus on installing some self-confidence in her and coping strategies.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 04/07/2021 19:10

God I'm glad I was a plain child and teenager -- I escaped a lot of this. That's absolutely shit OP. Increasingly I hate men and all of our contemporary society. Flowers

Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 19:18

So I am not technically recommending this...

But when I was 14, I was walking through town with my mum. I was going to meet my friends. A builder shouted something disgusting at me.

I was mortified and ended up borrowing my mums jacket because I felt so self conscious.

After I met my friends, mum went back. Climbed into the building site and demanded to know who it was. Some of the men told her. Mum started shouting that I was 14 and he was a peado. She asked if his mother or wife would be happy with him doing that.

They threatened to call the police. Mum said they should as my dad was a policeman and was on duty at that time and she was going to call him herself and have him done for harassment.

Dad went up the next day and the builders were gone.

I was mortified when I heard. But now I think its pretty epic.

In a restaurant I wouldn't cause a scene. For your daughters sake But I would go over, tell them that she is a literal child and that makes them peadophiles. Drawing attention to what they are doing is the only way to make them stop and think about their actions.

I have done similar when with my 17 year old.

MimiSunshine · 04/07/2021 19:19

I genuinely don’t mean this as a criticism of you or how you handled it at all because I do think you did the right thing plus it’s a narrow line to balance of not upsetting your DD even more.

BUT… not calling it out BECAUSE they’re with their families is part of the problem. We as a society and women especially, are conditioned to feel like to call out bad behaviour (whatever the form) is ‘making a scene’ and causing an issue when there wasn’t one.
It puts the fault squarely on us to not attract sexual violence (or attention in this case) but to also protect others from it when it happens to us to. We’re responsible for men’s behaviour at every end of the unwanted attention stick. Or so says society anyway.

By dragging their behaviour out into the open and shaming them in front of their families, you would hope would ensure they’d moderate their behaviour better in the future. Or at least lead to an uncomfortable conversation with their partner

Original poster
MakeminealargeSauvignon · 04/07/2021 19:19

@ahoyshipmatesah and @toffeebutterpopcorn, very tempted, but they had their dc there and I was trying to keep a little restraint for their sake.

@shallIswim I do have a dp, but it's not dds dad. They are just as angry as I am. Dds dad would have lost it tonight I think.

@Tangled22, I think if I approached it like that, I would be giving out mixed messages. I.e, it's not ok, but it's only because you're so pretty, so they can't help themselves. I have always just told her that it's not ever ok to be stared at like an object at any age, but the fact that she is underage makes it 100 times worse!

OP posts:
Sloaneslone · 04/07/2021 19:20

I didn't want to say anything, because they were with their families, but that one was particularly bad and I just couldn't ignore.

I would still say something. It's the mens behaviour that would be embarrassing to your family. Not you calling them out on it.

toffeebutterpopcorn · 04/07/2021 19:22

Maybe we just need cards printed up! ‘You are perving at a child’...

TheVanguardSix · 04/07/2021 19:25

sloaneslone your mum rules!! That is just awesome. There’s the response OP. I’ve noticed it with my 11 year old lately. It’s horrible. And I think I’ll take a big ol’ leaf out of sloane’s parents’ book. I was 9 when this shit started. I was sincerely assuming men had evolved by now. I’m almost 50 and now it’s DD’s turn to have to deal with this shitty little rite of passage. Hmm

Original poster
MakeminealargeSauvignon · 04/07/2021 19:26

@Sloaneslone, I agree with you.

OP posts:
CthulhuInDisguise · 04/07/2021 19:27

Some men can be disgusting can't they? I remember feeling flattered as a (slightly chunky and not very confident) teen when being wolf whistled or shouted at. But when my young sister was the subject of such attention at 14 (I was mid 20s) I was horrified and called one group of men out for it. We were at a social club and she was drinking a beer so I can see why they initially thought she was 18, but when I told them she was just 14 and they were disgusting pigs, they just shrugged, and one of them said "well if there's grass on the pitch..." I didn't know what to say to that. Dirty bastard.

NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:27

Happened when I was young. Decades ago.

DD is v tall long blonde hair. Started puberty 8.5 periods before year 6.

She hasn't noticed, she's a very young 11yo. But it started early and I knew it was coming but still it's shit.

Other DD not so much even though older. She's not as tall and very slim, hair not as blonde.

Blonde hair is like a beacon for these fuckers. They do it indiscriminately I know. But I had natural long white blonde hair and it was. Oi blondie. Do the collars match the cuffs etc etc from about 12.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 04/07/2021 19:27

The only thing to do is tell them "can you please stop staring at the child please". It may cause embarrassment but this behaviour HAS to be called out so that our children's girls' don't have to experience it

Original poster
MakeminealargeSauvignon · 04/07/2021 19:28

Actually I meant to @MimiSunshine too.

Agree with you both. I wish I'd been braver.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:29

OP

If you're there glare at them openly/ if there's a man with you get him to do it too.

I'm sure you've spoken to her but it's really important to keep hammering the point that she has done nothing wrong and they are complete arseholes. Who will do it to lots of other girls.

Poor thing.

You could show her some of the posts saying it's common, they're shits, and it's not just her.

NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:30

I was always bolshy from about 15 and IME saying something usually prompts a tirade/ aggression.

NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:31

They are in the wrong.

Children should not have to 'deal with it' no matter what society says.

rossloass · 04/07/2021 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:32

Also ignore random's clueless post Hmm

NiceGerbil · 04/07/2021 19:32

Not random.

Tangled's post.

PartridgeFeather · 04/07/2021 19:34

So sorry to hear this OP. Similar things keep happening to my DD, now 17 but who at 14 was nearly dragged into a car by a group of young men who were catcalling and harassing her just for walking down the street. She has a stunning figure, but she's only just stopped hating herself and wearing baggy black sweaters to cover up. She even became anorexic because she just wanted to fade into the background.

These vile cowards usually only do it when she's alone. If they did it with me I'd do exactly what the pp's mother did and give them fucking hell, if they did it to my 10yo DD I honestly don't know what I'd do, I'd probably lose it completely.

It has to be called out. Every single time. Vile paedos, what the hell kind of woman dragged them up?

BrilliantBetty · 04/07/2021 19:36

Sorry for herSad and you. It really is horrible, isn't it. My mother went through this with me and was upset by it.

From 12years old to 16yo I had more male attention (from leery perverted bastards) by far than I have had ever since. I'm now 30 but remember screaming at a man who was leaning out a car window making sexual remarks to me "leave me ALONE I'm thirteen". I was on my way to school at 8am. He continued to follow me.

Or the time I was in a restaurant with my auntie, she noticed a man kept looking over and made a comment about her getting looks from men and it being such a pain. I was 12 and it was me he was looking at and my leg he touched as I walked past when leaving. I said nothing because it had gotten to the point of just being pretty normal by then. 12yo.

Really horrible. Pervs everywhere. It is people that we all know. Often love.

The amount of DADs who look out there windows at young girls walking along is sickening. I notice it all the time. Their wife / kids even in the car but their eyes go to the teenage child walking along.