Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Absolutely SICK of men leering at my 14 year old!

212 replies

MakeminealargeSauvignon · 04/07/2021 19:00

Hi,

I know I'm far from alone and it's nothing new, depressingly, but after having dinner out tonight, quite honestly, I have absolutely had enough of leery fucking perverts staring at my child. This has been going on for probably the last 4 or so years.....so since she was about 10! It's absolutely disgusting!

She is clearly still a child. Not a 14 year old who looks like a 17/18 year old. Not that it's ever ok to be leered at at any age, but seriously, are there really this many disgusting paedophiles out there?!

Tonight, out of 4 tables of men with their families, 3 of them gawped and I mean gawped at my dd. She didn't notice the first 2, but the last she did and it made her so uncomfortable she was almost in tears and asked if we could go. The first 2 I gave a knowing icy glare and they quite quickly stopped, but the last was the worst and I actually said on the way out after my dd had gone, "she's 14 btw!" And he didn't looked shocked at all, just mildly embarrassed. I didn't want to say anything, because they were with their families, but that one was particularly bad and I just couldn't ignore.

As I say, this is nothing new. I remember exactly the same when I was her age and younger, 20 plus years ago and it would have been the same 20 plus years before that.

How is this still going on?!

Depressing, disturbing and an accepted part of our society, it seems.

When will this stop?

OP posts:
TheDinosaurMum · 05/07/2021 22:15

That awful OP! Well done on confronting the last one however.

You had.kore.tact than my nan.

When I was 15 and walking through town with her, a man cat called me. Well my god I've never seen a pensioner move so fast and wield a pop up handbag umbrella with such force and accuracy 😂 she swatted him with it and shouted at the top of her voice "she's 15 you dirty man, DIRTY, DIRTY MAN" and then hit him again for breaking her umbrella with his body , so he had another whack for that 😂

Everyone on the street was just looking at him. Serves him right.

CorianderBee · 05/07/2021 22:21

What's even more disturbing is that it mostly stops in your 20s. I'm 26 now and only get gross shouts/catcalls/the occasional bloke following me maybe twice a year. Between 13 and 17 it was multiple times a month.

I don't know whether it's because they're only into actual children or because they know they're less likely to intimidate adults.

CorianderBee · 05/07/2021 22:22

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Horrible for the 14 year old, and for a mother to see as well.

However, it can be difficult to age young people, perhaps they think she's a lot older than she is?

Considering they were with their families this isn't 18yo men thinking she's 16. I've ever known anyone over 25 who can't immediately tell that someone is a child. She's not 17, she's 14!
ObviousNameChage · 05/07/2021 22:25

@CorianderBee

What's even more disturbing is that it mostly stops in your 20s. I'm 26 now and only get gross shouts/catcalls/the occasional bloke following me maybe twice a year. Between 13 and 17 it was multiple times a month.

I don't know whether it's because they're only into actual children or because they know they're less likely to intimidate adults.

The get off on the power imbalance too. It adds to the "experience ".
NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:27

'she swatted him with it and shouted at the top of her voice "she's 15 you dirty man, DIRTY, DIRTY MAN" and then hit him again for breaking her umbrella with his body , so he had another whack for that'

What a legend!

And for you it must have been really good to have someone stand up for you and tell him how it was.

I'm going to be that elderly woman. Need another few years cos I'm still not old enough that the average man would think it's a bad idea to get aggressive at a woman who did that!

NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:29

'I don't know whether it's because they're only into actual children or because they know they're less likely to intimidate adults.'

Women who have got used to it give less satisfying reactions.

Younger girls are more likely to get embarrassed/ upset/ scared etc. Or even shout something back which will be laughed at/ and 'bantered' with....

NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:30

Having said that.

Have any of you thought about poirot?

You may be missing something Grin

Changingnames20 · 05/07/2021 22:30

It’s awful isn’t it. I don’t have daughters, only son’s, however it happened to me all the time as a young teenager. And I wasn’t even blonde! I also looked much younger than my age, so I had builders / blokes call out and people following, people pinching my bum when I was 13/14/15 but looked about 12.

I had hoped that this had moved on but it hasn’t.

I think if I were you OP - I would start having the same phrase to trot out. I would be polite but firm - I’d question rather than state - ‘Why are you staring at my daughter?’ And I’d do it in front of their families. I would do it every time and go right up to them at their tables. If you do it often enough, you can shame them but get on with your meal then and enjoy yourselves. Don’t let them ruin the night out.

If people perv in the street I’d say ‘are you some kind of paedophile?’ As we walked by.

I’d want to show my daughter that it’s absolutely not to be put up with.

Graphista · 05/07/2021 22:33

It sounds more as if the men couldn't help themselves looking

Nonsense! Of course they can! It's not an involuntary action!

Society and especially men need to adjust their idea of what a female child can look like.

Or more correctly adjust their behaviour towards girls and women in general

@TheDinosaurMum go nan! Good on her!

Majority of the time these creeps KNOW it's a child they're objectifying, harassing and even assaulting.

It's not how decent men behave so it's entirely possible for ALL men not to do this.

Sadly the decent men are very few and far between in my experience, I can count the ones I know/knew on 2 hands!

TheDinosaurMum · 05/07/2021 22:35

@NiceGerbil

'she swatted him with it and shouted at the top of her voice "she's 15 you dirty man, DIRTY, DIRTY MAN" and then hit him again for breaking her umbrella with his body , so he had another whack for that'

What a legend!

And for you it must have been really good to have someone stand up for you and tell him how it was.

I'm going to be that elderly woman. Need another few years cos I'm still not old enough that the average man would think it's a bad idea to get aggressive at a woman who did that!

@NiceGerbil. Yes it definitely taught me to raise my voice of I wasn't happy. I have however never hit someone with an umbrella.

Welcome to ex mining town in South Wales though whatever nan/mam says goes and there's no pushback. Grown man getting hit by a umbrella by a visible pensioner (a nan). Society agrees "he deserved that" 😂

NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:36

Brilliant Smile

NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:36

If only the majority did this- men and women- the problem would reduce massively.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 05/07/2021 22:46

While no one calls out their perverse behaviour then the problem will continue.
" stop looking at my child in a sexual way "
Often does the job.

elfycat · 05/07/2021 22:55

My 10 yo has just come down to tell me that she has breast buds (which I already knew, and have been opening up conversations), and I said I was here for anything she needed, and would be with her through first bra, mood swings, first period, first time she punches a man for touching her up...

She laughed, I laughed. We both know I wasn't joking.

Pisses me off.

When I was 14 a man beeped and shouted something leery and creepy from his car. Then pulled into the petrol station and while the owner was putting petrol in his car commented something like. 'Whoooar, couldn't you give that one?'

'No, that's my fourteen year old daughter.' replied my father.

That would have been c1985 and I'm now a very, very angry perimenopausal woman who is sick of this shit.

NiceGerbil · 05/07/2021 22:55

They do it because society accepts it.

They will not listen to women.

This will only change when men start calling it out, stepping in when a girl is being hassled, saying to their friends that was a shit thing to do. Etc.

My opinion.

longwayoff · 05/07/2021 23:11

I guess it will always be so. Maybe men will eventually be embarrassed into not doing this. I hope so. I remember how astonished I was by the depth of my fury when this first happened to my daughter when we were out together, she was about 12 or 13. I would have gladly killed the ogler had he not scuttled off when I gave him The Look. Had to have a firm word with myself, I'm not given to violence but my visceral reaction alarmed me.

Feelinghothothottoday · 05/07/2021 23:18

@NiceGerbil

They do it because society accepts it.

They will not listen to women.

This will only change when men start calling it out, stepping in when a girl is being hassled, saying to their friends that was a shit thing to do. Etc.

My opinion.

Yep I agree. But men will never call it out. It happened to me 40 years ago. The 1970s. It’s now 2021. I think it’s worse now. Men and boys see it as their right to letch at young girls/women. They all do it.
TheSockMonster · 05/07/2021 23:54

It sounds more as if the men couldn't help themselves looking

Do we really think so little of men? Men are adult human beings, not some strange sub-human variant.

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 00:01

@longwayoff

I guess it will always be so. Maybe men will eventually be embarrassed into not doing this. I hope so. I remember how astonished I was by the depth of my fury when this first happened to my daughter when we were out together, she was about 12 or 13. I would have gladly killed the ogler had he not scuttled off when I gave him The Look. Had to have a firm word with myself, I'm not given to violence but my visceral reaction alarmed me.
Street harrassment levels vary massively around the world.

Men are men- it's about culture/ what's acceptable etc.

Why we are the way we are, I don't know.

It cuts across all sex crimes against women as well.

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 00:04

Feeling hot I'm not sure.

Builders etc seem better.
There's not so much yelling from cars.

I grew up in an area where it was constant.

Although, it could be cos I'm older.

11 or 12 to maybe 23 was the worst time.

TheSockMonster · 06/07/2021 00:10

[quote Graphista]@TheSockMonster I'd have complained about that Specsavers employee. Did you? Are they still working there? Completely inappropriate behaviour

[/quote]
I didn’t handle it as well as I wished I had, to be honest. At the time I didn’t want to upset DD, so I wasn’t as forceful as I should have been. I used words like ‘inappropriate’ and ‘uncomfortable’ rather than the words I should have used which were ‘pedophile’ and ‘police’.

I had thought I’d phone the next day, but when I recounted it to DH it sounded like an overreaction or misunderstanding. Just to clarify, he didn’t think it was, but it sounded that way when I said it out loud and I started to doubt myself. The only ‘proof’ I had that it was sexual rather than socially awkward was my and DD’s emotional reaction to it. It was last summer and I haven’t been back since.

NiceGerbil · 06/07/2021 00:25

I must admit I would tbh not challenge lots of things in front of DDs as they don't notice it (I do) and they'd be really embarrassed by it.

EishetChayil · 06/07/2021 03:46

Ugh.

No wonder so many young girls are identifying as male to escape this sort of thing.

littlebilliie · 06/07/2021 07:18

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Horrible for the 14 year old, and for a mother to see as well.

However, it can be difficult to age young people, perhaps they think she's a lot older than she is?

When I read this, all I think of that age old phrase "it was her fault"
Original poster
MakeminealargeSauvignon · 06/07/2021 10:37

I think this thread has highlighted just how uncommon it is to not experience this kind of disgusting behaviour as young girls.

OP posts: