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Original poster

Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

225 replies

Spoldge45 · 01/07/2021 21:18

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

OP posts:
MimiDaisy11 · 01/07/2021 21:23

It does seem really tough to take especially if it wasn’t discussed or explained. I don't have personal experience or any advice.

Did the mother have an attachment to the house - is that why she just left it to one of her children as she wanted it to remain in the family?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 01/07/2021 21:28

Did the DM know how much the house was worth?

Thelnebriati · 01/07/2021 21:29

I don't think children need to get over being treated that unequally. You can make your peace with it, accept the fact its going to damage your relationship with your family, and make sure you don't do the same to your kids without a very good reason.

Interested in this thread?

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General money
whataboutgus · 01/07/2021 21:33

That's tough. I'd be upset if that were me. I think SIL ought to feel guilty abs I personally would Have shared the house sale
With my sibling

SwedishEdith · 01/07/2021 21:34

Not me but I do know someone this has happened to. The sibling relationships have broken down now after previously being close.

00100001 · 01/07/2021 21:34

Well surely it reflects badly on the sister?

She inherited (effectively) £570k more than her brother and didn't offer to split the money?

Can you honestly say if it was the other way round DH would have offered half the remaining value of the house?

DinosaurDiana · 01/07/2021 21:36

I think that she should have explained what and why she did it before she died. It seems very unfair.

Original poster
Spoldge45 · 01/07/2021 21:36

Hi, No I don't think there could have been any attachment to the house as it was sold 6 months later & DH's sister brought a house outright with the proceeds.

She was pretty mentally capable until her last few weeks so I imagine she did know how much the house roughly cost.

In the 6yrs since it happened I've never met one person who has had the same experience.

I cant lie, it has caused various problems over the years. DH & his sister no longer speak which is very sad, but what I keep thinking is why would any mother want to create a situation that would leave such tension between her 2 children, surely once you've gone to a better place.. you'd like to think of your children being happy & together down on earth. I only have one child, (not thru choice) but cant imagine ever doing something like this if I did have more than one child.

OP posts:
myfuckingfreezer · 01/07/2021 21:37

Is it possible she had substantially more in her savings when the will was made?

Backthewaywecame · 01/07/2021 21:38

Maybe she did the will a long time ago when the value of the house was similar to the 50k savings? Just a thought.

My parents wrote their will in the 1970s and have never updated it.

Garraty47 · 01/07/2021 21:39

Was SIL a single parent?

Are you and DH financially better off that she was prior to the inheritance situation?

Did SIL provide more physical/emotional support to MiL in her old age?

CarlottaValdez · 01/07/2021 21:39

Not an inheritance but my youngest brother has been given a house by our parents. I’ve sort of made my peace with it but it is quite hard sometimes. I earn loads more than him tbf but he does ok and his wife doesn’t work at all.

Occasionally I have a moment where I feel like I’m paying for his wife not to work which makes me resentful but then I give myself a talking to and move on with my life. It’s not really affected my relationship with my parents but my other brother is pretty angry about it.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 01/07/2021 21:40

I’m not surprised your husband has never got over it, his mother showed blatant favouritism towards his sister by doing this. I would be extremely pissed off as well.

Original poster
Spoldge45 · 01/07/2021 21:41

If it had been the other way round definitely we would have sold the house & spilt the proceeds. I wouldn't be able to live with myself or feel comfortable with it any other way. Especially were there were 2 grandchildren involved as ultimately this will effect them too (particularly as DH & his sister were both older parents)

OP posts:
CampingFabulous · 01/07/2021 21:41

@Thelnebriati

I don't think children need to get over being treated that unequally. You can make your peace with it, accept the fact its going to damage your relationship with your family, and make sure you don't do the same to your kids without a very good reason.

I think @Thelnebriati speaks sense, that's certainly my experience.

Grainjar · 01/07/2021 21:41

I've known it happen where one sibling was a lot worse off than the other. In that case one sibling had a disability so earning potential was lower. I've also known it happen where the parents divorced and one sibling spent more time with one parent, the other with the other parent. It causes division and unhappiness generally. Who'd want that for their DC? I can only think, if she wasn't obviously evil, that she felt the sister needed the security of a home in a way that your dh didn't. Could that be it?

ssd · 01/07/2021 21:43

Not comparable but dh got a £20 gift voucher when we married, sil got £1000. I always felt dh was being punished as he was more independent than his sister, who relied on her mother all her life, even though she was financially better off than us.

I'd never do that myself.

Stonelovelace · 01/07/2021 21:46

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 01/07/2021 21:47

You asked if anyone had a similar experience- my aunt’s neighbour (a very wealthy woman with a large family) left some of her own children and grandchildren out in her will so some of her family got massive amounts and others were left absolutely nothing. I think they ended up sharing the inheritance though. Surely your DH’s sister should have given him a share of their mother’s house so it ended up being equal? If my mum (which she never would) left a considerable amount of money to me and not much my brother I would feel morally obliged to share it with him.

Hippychickster · 01/07/2021 21:48

I can't believe his sister didn't share it. I know we would have put the whole lot together and shared it equally.

Meredusoleil · 01/07/2021 21:48

I'll beat that with what happened to me a few years ago when my dad died.

He owned a £1 million house outright that was always supposed to be split equally between my younger bro and me (the only 2 kids).

But when it came down to it and he found out he had months to live, my dad decided to sign over the house 100% to my bro. Leaving me with 0% and nothing else either.

I to this day will never agree, forget or forgive what he/they did to me and my family - effectively screwing is out of about £500k.

And I refuse to have anything to do with my brother and his family whilst they are lording it up in our childhood home 😔

Babyroobs · 01/07/2021 21:48

Maybe she didn't have any idea how much the house was worth ? this is the most logical explanation if there was no other discord in the family. I'm surprised the sisters didn't make things more equal.

ssd · 01/07/2021 21:49

I think your dh should speak to his sister and tell her how he feels. I doubt she'd give him a penny but he might feel better.

Original poster
Spoldge45 · 01/07/2021 21:51

Thanks for the advice, I've just been having one of those days where I needed to check that this is an unusual situation & that yes it is a bit s**t.

For context SIL was a single parent at time (I dont know about now) but she owned a property with no mortgage. We obviously are together so yes we 2 incomes (DH full time & me PT) but we still have 10 yrs left on our mortgage, which quite a biggie as DH is 60 next year.

Financially we were in similar situations, she obviously had less income coming in but also less outgoings as no mortgage. Her son is 6yrs older than our daughter so she wouldn't have the childcare costs we have either.

OP posts:
BlueSurfer · 01/07/2021 21:51

I’d like to think a PP is right and at the time of writing the will then house and savings were comparable.

I don’t believe in treating children equally to treat them fairly but what you are describing isn’t fair either, unless there is something big missing from your OP. Did your DH spend as much time with her in her final years and support her in the same way as his sister did, or did she take on the burden?