Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

If I was the sister I would have shared equally. Couldn’t be at peace if I didn’t.

Yup, it's shit.

You probably won't know why - and it's hard to articulate, let alone say out loud, the obvious. So don't. Concentrate on healing the wound. What makes it even trickier to cope with is that a lot of people will make you feel guilty for even thinking about inheritance, which imho is bonkers and probably cruel.

Accept it's a horrible wound, accept that you didn't deserve it, and try and move on. It is a really deep cut to heal from.

My mother inherited substantially more than her siblings from my grandmother.
She was the only one of six children who lived near my grandmother and in the 24 years my grandmother was widowed she visited her every day, cared for her as long as she could at home and then visited her everyday in the nursing home. It was a huge element of all our lives as we were growing up.

The other siblings had a rota and each visited once every 5 weeks for a day.

I think it was totally understandable that my mother inherited more than the others.

When our dad died our youngest sibling inherited half of his estate. The rest of us shared the other half. It’s only money. Made no difference and caused no issues.

@Wombat36

It happened in my family apparently. Boys got large chunks of property, only girl nothing. But that was years ago & I think it's only now in old-age that the unfair division penny is dropping.

More pertinently, my friend has just lost her mum, brother has got the house & it's now radio silence. She is not happy as previously will had an equal division of assets.

Had the same - don't need the money and never want to see the siblings - the money means very little in comparison to the shit they have put me through.

I’m sorry for you op. It is not the money but how it makes you feel in terms of parenteral rejection with no recourse to understanding why, let alone resolving any misunderstanding that could have driven it.
My father rejected me, and told me to never speak to him again, when I was in my 40s. My mum died and she was the glue in keeping our relationship together- it was catastrophic for me emotionally, led to mental health problems, and I don’t understand the reasons why to this day nearly 17 years later. I assume I was written out of any will at the time, so my 2 DB will get any inheritance he has left. I expect that, but it will twist the knife again a little bit it, as the point is my own parent will be rejecting me all over again, and I don’t understand why or how I deserved my own father doing that to me. That is the painful part. I can never reconcile that, I have just learnt to live with the pain of it.

My father gave 100% to my sister. And then, for seemingly the fun of it, made me executrix of his Will.

My sister and I haven't spoken since that Will was executed (beautifully, I may add, I held up my part).

She tried.tos ay she'd split 50/50. I knew she wouldn't, she just didn't want me to contest (I'd have had a decent claim).

I didn't get on with my father. Or indeed my sister. And there's part of me that's happy for her to keep his money. There's another part that wishes I'd have contested as it's have made this stage of my life more comfortable.

I used to teach a student who was 17. Her Gran died and left her house to her. Nothing to her son or Grandson. My student was upset for her brother as she said he felt like his Gran could not have loved him. She sold the house and shared 50/50 with her brother but it left a lasting mark on her brother and the Father just could not understand why she did it. He was well off and said he would have been far happier if his Mum left me Ney equally between Grandchildren.

Might there have been any funny business from the sister? Pressuring or talking the old dear into changing a previous will?

Unless, like chimneypots example, one sibling has made significant sacrifices to care for a parent/relative, it needs to be 50:50. Like PP I wonder if she didn’t understand the value of the property?

That’s a huge difference in inheritance. Tbh I find it pretty disgusting that a parent can do that to their children unless their are unusual circumstances.

Eg my family member has a son with addiction and he isn’t in the will and his sibling will get everything. The parent knows he would just piss it up against a wall and thinks he would end up killing himself with drink/drugs.
Therefore in this situation I can see why they wouldn’t split the inheritance equally. However in normal circumstances why would any parent want to cause resentment between their children.

Terrible behaviour by MIL if done on purpose. My sister is much much richer than me and has less children, less health problems and less debt. However, if we have anything to inherit I have made it very clear to my parents that everything must be split 50/50 because otherwise we would both be unhappy if not.

When was the will drawn up? I wonder like others if the cash and property price were more similar when it was done.

Also when I mentioned attachment to the house I meant from the mother’s POV rather than sister. Maybe the mother naively thought her daughter would live there and not sell.

@LittleOverWhelmed

I always think that what a person does with their money / possessions for when they pass away is up to them. Assuming they are of sound mind and under no duress.

I do think that it is better to split an estate rather than give separate items (like “house” and “savings”) Though.

I fully expect my in-laws to give virtually all of their money (very substantial) to charity. Although I know that they have put something in their wills for DS (only grandchild). I don’t expect DH or DSIL to inherit anything. They have, previously, been given cash gifts towards house purchases and in-laws paid for DSIL’s very expensive US PhD. Their money, their choice. No-one is entitled to anything.

If I was your husband’s sister, I would have looked to split the money fairly, unless their was a good reason it to (ie your DH has been estranged from his mother).

I think that you have to let it go, though. Her life, her money, her decision. Shouldn’t effect your lives.

Missing the point I think. No one should assume an inheritance. But your own parent rejecting you from the grave specifically by being unequal in distribution of any assets and doing so deliberately to make a point that you cannot ever understand, with no right of reply, is cruel. No other word for it. That is not the same as simply never expecting an inheritance where all siblings are in same position and treated equitabley

@Thelnebriati

I don't think children need to get over being treated that unequally. You can make your peace with it, accept the fact its going to damage your relationship with your family, and make sure you don't do the same to your kids without a very good reason.

Similar happened to my FIL years ago ( he had two siblings and his Mother’s estate wasn’t divided evenly at all). It definitely caused friction, there were some nasty arguments apparently and I’m not sure they were ever close afterwards. It was really sad as FIL had been particularly close to his older brother.

DH is one of the executors of his Dad’s will and has a copy of it- Unsurprisingly, the estate is divided equally among the children. FIL clearly learnt from his experience.

My parents have told me that they’re leaving everything to my sibling but he’s disabled, unable to work and currently lives with them whereas I am in a position to look after myself and DH is likely to inherit from his parents if there are no care costs.

The difference is I know why they’re doing it and it won’t be a surprise.

I can imagine it hurts so much because there’s no clear reason why she’s done it and now you’ll never know.

3 siblings, myself and DB have good jobs, own our houses, the other sibling has never worked, copied Ulrika (4x4), seemingly good life fully funded by govt. A few years ago they convinced parents to leave them their entire estate as "they don't need it". My DP and I have been unofficial carers for them for the last couple of years and I am now POA for them, urged them to get advice and they have changed their will to an even split, told sibling who has went NC after threatening legal action when the time comes.

It happened to my Gran. Her brothers received millions and she received nothing. It ruined the family forever, I never met that side of the family and it's torn the whole family apart.

My DM inherited DGMs house and my uncle just got a bit of money. DGM died when I was in my 30's and I could probably have counted on my fingers the amount of times in my life I had seen my uncle. My mum cared for my DGM and DGD. DGD had multiple heart attacks/strokes ended up in a home etc and my mum visited daily. There was a huge ruckus from my uncles friends/family, none of whom had been a part of DGPs life/care.

My MIL is in charge of her parents money. She buys herself things and gatekeeps the money. Once her Father tried to send a cheque to DH as a gift and she told us we could not accept it because DGP's money wasn't their money, "it's my inheritance" she kept repeating. She has 4 siblings, her father is dead and when her mother dies its going to be a free for all.

I don't really understand why people feel entitled to their parents money. I am one of 6, I have no idea what is in my mums will but am not expecting anything. If my mum leaves everything to one of my siblings I won't have been 'cheated out of' anything because its not mine. I hope my mum and Stepfather sell the house and travel or do something fun. I wish my nan had taken the trip she always talked about but never went on.
Maybe it's because I grew up poor in a council estate I didn't grow up feeling entitled? I dunno.

It’s not entitlement but surely just fairness. If they’d given the money all to charity instead of an uneven split it wouldn’t sting as much.

@Bentoforthehorde. I agree that no one should feel entitled to a parent’s money, but I can totally see why it would feel like a slap in the face if sibling A inherited a large sum/valuable asset and sibling B got very little, for example. Unless there was a reason, such as sibling A had provided most of the parental care, had disabilities, etc. In my FIL’s case, all three siblings were financially comfortable with grown-up children. One provided slightly more care to their Mother, but everyone was involved.

So hard to understand. Your poor husband. Really hideous behaviour of his sister too, who valued her relationship with her brother as worth less than £310,000 .
Why on earth do parents not talk through stuff like this with their children before they die ?
I am worried that my MIl might do this, DH would never get over it.

A friend bitterly resented her brother getting a larger share. She's unmarried (divorced) but in a long-term stable relationship, good job, own house (mortgage but lowish payments). Her brother is long term sick, single, and he was stuck in insecure private renting. The parents wanted to know he'd never end up homeless.

My opinion of my friend has gone down. I'd understand if there was no good reason but her brother was in a very vulnerable situation through no fault of his own. I couldn't believe she resented his extra share under those circumstances.

I think the reason why there's an unequal share matters.

Obviously the situation I posted about is very different from OP's DH.