Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

Hmm. Our situation is a tad different as we know about it in advance. However, DH's parents have been completely upfront about the fact that everything goes to his brother. Rationale is that we're ok because I have a good salary, so BIL needs it more. BIL still lives at home, in his 40s, with no reason to move out as he he pays nothing and gets everything done for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

We rolled our eyes a bit. But we're not going to get upset, or cause a rift. We will however make damn sure who bears the burden of care...

My great aunt left me £10k and my brother some pictures and ornaments he'd said he liked as a small boy apparently - he has no recollection of that!!!!
He auctioned them off as they were hideous and made £6k so I gave me £2k so we got the same
Isn't that just the nice decent thing to do???

My FIL’s DM did that - left him 2/3 of her house and all her belongings and just 1/3 of the house to her DD. FIL’s relationship was never close with his DSis, there was a big age gap and I think she resented him being born when she’d been an only child almost into her teens. She also fell out with her DM for quite a few years and only came back into her life when there was a sniff of an inheritance. So in that case it didn’t cause any additional issues between siblings.

Talking to my FIL a few years before he died and when he was making his will, he told me he wanted to leave more to my DH than my BIL as we’d always done so much for him and BIL absolutely nothing. However, he eventually decided against it and left everything 50/50. Not sure how things would have worked out between my DH and BIL as they’re not close by any stretch of the imagination but FIL did what he thought was right and no one can blame him for that…

I really think it depends on the circumstances, presumably these things are done for a reason.

I am encouraging DP to leave more to one of his DC (not mine, although we have a DC of our own) because they have medical problems which means they will not be able to provide for themselves on and off throughout their life. I would expect if he does this though it would be properly explained to his two other children (one of whom is a direct sibling, and our DC who is a half sibling).

My friend has 5 in her family. Relative died quite wealthy and left 3 of them a sizeable sum each. Without as much as one hesitation they shared it equally between the 5. Not one of the 3 had any problem with that.
The sister here is desperately mean. Even if she had given 100,000 it probably would have really helped. She may have influenced her dm

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

^This.
My mum treats me and my sibling very unevenly. I agree that if one needs more (disability etc) then, of course, they should be helped out more. I can’t for the life of me work out why my sibling was bought a house. We have similar earning potential, but she is a spender and I am a saver. Maybe that’s it...I did not know it was an option to burn through my own money and then start on my mum’s!

It is very hurtful, I really don’t want my mum’s money but I do think it causes some unnecessary feelings.

When my grandfather died he split the money he left equally 5 ways. Between my father, aunt and her 3 children. The remaining 2 children got nothing. It wasn't a huge amount of money. But it caused a rift in the family. Tbh it wasn't even the money, it really hurt to know that we were thought less of than our cousin's.

It's possible she didn't know how much the house was worth. I just bought a house and got my 80 odd year old auntie to guess the price. She guessed it cost 10k.

Yes, I have. It was never mine. It could have been left to a cult. I see no reason why I merit money I never earned, quite honestly. There is no such thing as fairness in this world, this I learned the hard way long ago and live it every day.

Please, for your own sakes, find a way to move past this.

MIL, who is not likely to live long, leaves a very valuable house to DH's totally useless younger brother, despite him and his sister providing care whilst brother does less than FA.

We already know how it is going to go, too. The house is a hoarder house, its value is based entirely on its prime location. Even as a heap, it's worth a fortune due to its location.

He'll do FA and it will grow worse. He'll ignore legal action, he never works, either, so eventually it will be so bad the court will move to seize it and win, evict him and put a lein on it none of us will be able to pay, then claim it and sell it.

Such is life.

It was never ours.

@junebirthdaygirl

My friend has 5 in her family. Relative died quite wealthy and left 3 of them a sizeable sum each. Without as much as one hesitation they shared it equally between the 5. Not one of the 3 had any problem with that. The sister here is desperately mean. Even if she had given 100,000 it probably would have really helped. She may have influenced her dm

She is but it doesn't make any difference. It's a waste of emotion not to let it go.

@WildRunner

Hmm. Our situation is a tad different as we know about it in advance. However, DH's parents have been completely upfront about the fact that everything goes to his brother. Rationale is that we're ok because I have a good salary, so BIL needs it more. BIL still lives at home, in his 40s, with no reason to move out as he he pays nothing and gets everything done for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

We rolled our eyes a bit. But we're not going to get upset, or cause a rift. We will however make damn sure who bears the burden of care...

Same but BIL will do FA. He doesn't now. Claims he's too ill.

@MumsTheWordFact

It's possible she didn't know how much the house was worth. I just bought a house and got my 80 odd year old auntie to guess the price. She guessed it cost 10k.

I think this must be it, sadly for OP's husband.

My grandparents were baffled when they got their house valued. Like, called the estate agents and told them their details had been mixed up. They bought it for 7k and it's now worth about 450k and they were genuinely shocked.

Even if OP's MIL knew it was a nice house worth a fair bit, in her head a fair bit might be 50/60k, not the actual current value.

I'm surprised the lawyer doing the will didn't question it, though...(unless they did and there's another motive, but this seems most likely to me).

My dad went through something similar. He actually worked hard since he was a child and helped build their own house in their estate. My dad worked and worked and sent money to my grandparents. During this time, my father financially looked after my grandparents but later found out that my grandparents were using my dads money (equally our money) to fund my aunt and my uncle. My grandparents always asked for money from my dad constantly to either build or extend or some "unexpected" hospital fee but every time we went there, there was never any progress being made to the houses nor any illness that required hospitalisation. Every time we went there, "coincidentally" the timing would mean that my aunt would buy a new house or a new summer house where she and her husband actually work for peanuts and no way of ever affording those properties nor the lifestyle. It was so obvious that these were achieved by my dad sending my grandparents money for the estate and supporting my grandparents by robbing us. My dads dream was to have these houses and we all would live happily ever after in the same estate which is abroad by the way. One house each for me and my siblings.

My dad finally went back 15 years ago and actually sold one of our properties in the UK to finally finish off the estate but this time around, my mum finally divorced him as she had enough. Fast forward 15 years where my grandparents passed away, the estate is being left to my aunt and my uncle and my dad is left off the will as he apparently can look after himself. The estate which my dad built by sacrificing from me, my mums marriage and my siblings past and future is now being happily sold and spent by my dear aunt and uncle.

Some parents are absolutely evil as well as the evil children they actually bring up. Not one of them said let's split it equally despite my aunt and uncle not contributing to the estate at all. All I can say is it's just a bit of a karma to see this happening to my dad being backstabbed by his parents and his siblings because he took away a lot from us.

Did the sister do a lot of care? Were they particularly close?

Mother and daughter I mean.

But SIL is on her own while your DH has you and possibly his parent/s still who may leae him money.

What if SIL becomes ill in older age or just loses her job (as she's not young, she may not get another), who's going to care for her if she loses income? I'd do the same in this situation if I were a parent towards a single child with a DC who is about to go to Uni, but possibly with proviso/understanding that SIL would share something - not half though! Or that if her son will be in need then the sister would help as and when needed.

If I were the SIL on the other hand, I'd offer 50K straight away and more if there is a need for something specific (healthcare that's too slow on NHS for example).

Yes happened to my other half who’s sister inherited almost all the parents money and her daughter got a huge chunk with the brother getting like 1% and his children a laughable amount. It got worse when the sister decided she wanted every last penny. She is just a disgusting, horrible, greedy person. Luckily she is also dumb so didn’t get all her way. We have being nothing but nice, normal people and we’re shocked and horrified by the whole death of loved ones and then the outcome of the will which never came with any explanation of why one child was favoured over the other.

My father and his brother are worth many many millions.

I am the only child of their family.

My grandmother (their mother) didn’t approve of the relationship between my mother and her Ds so apparently according to her I am not her Ds’s child.

Didn’t really help her case that I had (pre greying) the exact distinctive hair colour as her when she was announcing I wasn’t her sons child.
Also got ostracised by other sections of my family because of my hair colour and the association with this woman.

I know that my uncle has left all his money to charity. No idea what will happen to anything my father leaves but I am not expecting anything
He didn’t give me anything when I was growing up so I doubt I will get anything from an old man in a care home who preferred to appease his mother rather than care for his own child.

The money will probably go to other people’s children.
The problem I had growing up everyone thought because I was his Dd then I didn’t get anything for “free” as my dad would pay or I would be left millions when he dies but he never paid so I missed out on an awful lot and he is still going and I doubt I will get anything from him

Wills are incredibly devisive. I like the French way where you cannot cut your children out of your will.

I had a thread a few months ago.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4167642-Estranged-father-died-do-my-siblings-and-I-have-any-claim? Lots of people sadly treated very unfairly.

I myself was set to inherit about £160k (house value) plus savings (no idea, but doubt it was more than £20k) from a father who'd deserted my siblings and I as young children, but I'd reconnected a few years prior to his death, at which stage he named me as sole beneficiary. I had every intention of splitting it with my two siblings. As it was, he fell out with me a year before his death, and disinherited me, specifically naming me and my young children in it, to NOT inherit. He left it to his sister's grandchildren. His sister is loaded. Her GC will be gifted lots from her, they certainly don't need my father's money. My father's sister could EASILY rectify what he did, and offer my siblings and me the money from their own estate. They are all as evil as each other.

Sorry for everyone going through this. It is grossly unfair.

It’s not a question of ‘feeling entitled’, @Bentoforthehorde - it’s a question of gross unfairness in such cases. Unless there’s a valid reason, e.g. one dc has behaved very badly to a parent, or perhaps one is so loaded that the money would make no difference to them, while another is struggling, then IMO it’s malicious to treat them differently.

Dh and I would never dream of favouring one over the other.

Thank you to everyone for sharing. I have a similar story of uneven inheritance. It's good to know I'm not alone. People's worse stories make me feel better.

@00100001

Well surely it reflects badly on the sister?

She inherited (effectively) £570k more than her brother and didn't offer to split the money?

Can you honestly say if it was the other way round DH would have offered half the remaining value of the house?

I was just thinking this, gosh it's a huge difference!

I had this with an Ex. His father was a bully, and his mother had to leave the family home with nothing just to get away. Would not divorce as this was in an area where this wasn’t the done thing. She struggled, working two jobs. When the father died he left her the minimum (nearly half) and one son (out of 5) the rest - Exes brother. The brother that no one talked to as he was aggressive too, and still favoured his Dad, didn’t really care about his mum.

Very divisive. After his funeral there was all kinds of falling out.

I have had a similar situation. My brother inherited the whole estate. No hint from my Dad. I had considered contesting the will but although I suspect some funny business I think it will be hard to prove and not worth the scandal it would cause within the wider family to start such a process not to mention the financial risk of a court case. I was hurt for a few days as I couldn’t understand why my Dad would do this to me when we continued to be close, I took him to hospital appointments and organised aspects of his care. I have decided to write to the solicitor to ask to see the will file to see if there are clues in there. Doing so will mean alienating my brother who is sole executor but I have decided I will quietly distance myself from him anyway so it doesn’t matter what he thinks. I believe he manipulated my DF into making this will, there were some clues over the years that point to this in hindsight. Therefore, I am not concerned that the relationship will be damaged. My only dilemma is how to enable my children to keep the relationship with his children (their cousins) so I am pondering how to enable this without having to stay friendly with my brother!

I'm sure I will eventually be in this position (though hopefully not for many years). My sisters and I are all married and have jobs whereas my brother lives at home, has no partner and has never worked in his life. He's almost 30! I expect my parents will leave him more than the rest of us, if not everything. That's even assuming there's anything left though. I've seen how savings can be eaten up extremely quickly if care is needed when you're elderly.

It won't really affect my relationship with my brother as we don't have much of a relationship anyway. I think the loss of inheritance will be harder for my sisters as me and DH are in a better position financially.