Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

I think it's a poor show, when people fall out about property or money left to them in a will. If someones wishes to leave different things to certain family members, that's all there is to it. People's various financial circumstances, don't come in to it.

No advice but I can understand why it hurts.

My Dad left me and my brother a substantial amount. When he was dying, he was quite obsessed with his will and the inheritance. Basically my DB has no understanding of the value of money. He has what we think is undiagnosed HFA, he gets fired from every job he has and never udnerstands why, and just spends money on rubbish (or thinks he's "investing" when he's being taken for a ride as he has awful instincts). My Dad was (rightfully) concerned about what would happen to all that he had worked so hard for if my DB suddenly had free access to a large sum of money.

So not only did my DF split the inheritance exactly down the middle, he also imposed the same conditions on both of us, in order to be fair. He spoke with me about it first and explained why but that he didn't want to just put conditions on my DB and not me since that could cause arguments and division.

I loved my Dad so much. All he could think about when he was dying was how to protect me and my DB - our relationship as well as trying to protect my DB from wittering all the money away. I couldn't imagine if he would have favoured one over the other.

Do you know when the will was written OP?

We viewed a house recently that was bought originally in the 80s new for £50k and will sell for over £250k and thats Scottish small fry house prices so if you’re anywhere else those numbers will be higher so it’s easy to see how if the will was written decades ago the numbers were maybe more in like - she possibly knew she was giving SIL slightly more but not as much more as it ended up being!

Either that she was just twisted.

Money changes people though. So many people on here saying they would split it but I bet not all would when it came to it. Easy to say when you’re not actually in the situation.

I know someone who has made their will and split it unevenly between their two children.

Their daughter is much less well off financially than their son. There is one young grandchild on each side, but the son runs a very successful business whereas the daughter is disabled and on benefits. I think in that situation it's fair enough, as they are basing it on need as they see it.

They haven't told their son though so who knows what the relationship will be like when he finds out.

@Zotter

If I was the sister I would have shared equally. Couldn’t be at peace if I didn’t.

Not sure how I feel about this really. Whatever you think of it, the deceased person has split the inheritance unevenly because that's what she wanted, and it's her money.

To then defy that and say you are going to split it 50/50 anyway seems kind of disrespectful to her wishes. If she wanted it to go 50/50 then that's what she would have done.

I can see many reasons why you'd want to though, so it's a very complicated and fraught subject.

Yes it happened to DH. Parent's Wills were written by the family solicitor of many years. FIL passed away and his estate went to MIL.

They both had separate monies from their families as well as joint savings and assets.

MIL gave SIL quite a lot in her lifetime and DH was under the impression from MIL it would be addressed in her Will.

She became terminally ill and had been convinced by SIL that the present division (and apparently equal) in the original Will was unfair and that DH was rich with wealthy friends (hahaha).

MIL's Will was re-written by SIL's then Partner's solicitor and included a family trust at MIL's expense to be formed so SIL's ''benefit'' from the Estate would go into that (she was filing for bankruptcy at the time) with an addendum that each grandchild was to receive a certain item.

However, the items listed for SIL's children were at the more valuable end of the asset scale and two had already received cars that were not paid for. DH felt instead of the two siblings being the beneficiaries, there were now over 8 with the majority of beneficiaries being in SIL's family.

After MIL died, there was nothing from the Solicitor advising of the reading of the Will. About a month later, as we banked with the same branch as DH's parents, I mentioned to the banker that MIL had passed away.

The Bank had not been advised of her death and ''someone'' had been drawing money out regularly from the ATM using her pin. They immediately froze MIL's accounts and only then did the Solicitor send a letter detailing the Will's instructions.

The Solicitor would not respond to any of our emails about the instructions and so we engage ours to converse. He didn't have much luck either, apart from the other one wanting to know how we ''knew'' her bank account was still being drawn on. It was a touchy time as the Bank Manager was not supposed to have told us either (dumb privacy rules)...

Anyhow the acting Solicitor for the estate said if they had to answer any more questions or provide copies of the bank statements that they would be charging the estate further (extensive) fees. Our Solicitor gave us an estimate as to what it would cost to get it heard before court and that figure was massive. He recommended DH agree to settle on what assets were left of the estate.

Moving on, We haven't had anything to do with SIL since then and have dropped contact with most cousins and extended family that are in contact with SIL. One cousin who was aware of the goings-on before MIL's death and spoke up to SIL and told her to stop playing games (she was trying to bad mouth me before and after MIL passes away apart from everything else) has never heard from SIL again.

Every couple of months DH will get down about it all and he cannot make peace with himself over the goings-on of the last few months of his Mother's life and the legal dealings thereafter. He squarely places the blame on his sister, and I do not believe that they will ever reconcile which dare I say it, I'm not overly upset with.

Sadly that there is nothing from our experience, apart from knowing he is not the only one to have gone through this, that I can share that will help ease how your DH feels.... some people are just arses.

Normally I'm the first to say that people can leave their money to whoever they want, but that is supremely unfair. I can't believe SIL just went along with it, and didn't try to make things right. She would never hear from me again if she were my sister. It speaks volumes about the sort of person she is.

Not sure how I feel about this really. Whatever you think of it, the deceased person has split the inheritance unevenly because that's what she wanted, and it's her money.

To then defy that and say you are going to split it 50/50 anyway seems kind of disrespectful to her wishes. If she wanted it to go 50/50 then that's what she would have done.

Once the money is paid out if belongs to the person who inherited it. The deceased person no longer has any say (and doesn't know what happens to it). I would be more than happy to defy a parent who was so unfair in life and would also lose a lot of respect for their memory.

I wonder if MIL expected her DD to live in the house, so gave that to her, and everything her to her DS?

I also wonder if MIL thought SIL was in a more financially precarious position due to being on her own?

Assuming everyone gets on and relationships are equal, I understand uneven inheritances in the context of some people being more 'in need' than others. However, if SIL didn't actually 'need' it, I think it's a bit questionable why she didn't redress the balance. In her shoes, I'd have kept the house, but if/when it was sold (which it was), I'd have evened out the inheritance at that point.

Were you all close beforehand? Is it possible that your nephew or SIL has some medical/financial need you don't know about?

Do you know when the will was written, and what the circumstances were at the time? If, for example, the will was written when your SIL had recently become a single parent, I can better see the rationale for gifting her a whole property.

In France you're not allowed to disinherit dc (there are a few exceptions).

We haven't seen my brother for many, many years, mum has left him out of her will and doesn't want me to give him anything when she's gone..it's not a fortune, couple of hundred K. He's a violent, drug taking waste of space, family members have said he doesn't deserve anything and I should honour mum's wishes.

I have no idea what to do

@Mandalay246

Not sure how I feel about this really. Whatever you think of it, the deceased person has split the inheritance unevenly because that's what she wanted, and it's her money.

To then defy that and say you are going to split it 50/50 anyway seems kind of disrespectful to her wishes. If she wanted it to go 50/50 then that's what she would have done.

Once the money is paid out if belongs to the person who inherited it. The deceased person no longer has any say (and doesn't know what happens to it). I would be more than happy to defy a parent who was so unfair in life and would also lose a lot of respect for their memory.

Of course they don't know/ say what happens to it and it is no longer theirs once they've passed it on.

But in respect for the deceased person, I'd assume there's a reason why they wanted their assets split that way. Perhaps there are things about the relationships that not everyone knows. Could be anything, whatever, they have made that decision so I feel like it should, in most cases, be respected.

If I gave 30% of what I own to one person, and 70% to another, I'd have my reasons. I wouldn't want the person who got the 70% to give some to the other and make it even, because that isn't what I decided to do. If I wanted that to happen, I would have split it 50/50. Obviously it is now theirs, but I would still find that quite disrespectful.

The one situation I know of where this happened, the child that was left the house was by far in more need of money. The siblings who didn't inherit were very comfortably off. The one who did inherit agreed verbally to give them half the proceeds of the house to split between them. Then she remembered how they'd all treated her because she was poor. They'd ridiculed her for years and looked down on her children, cutting them out of family events etc as they didn't fit in. She decided to just give them anything. They never speak now and she's delighted.

My friend was executor of an aunt's will.
She inherited half and half went to charity.
She informed the charities that they were beneficiaries.
The charities proceeded to hassle her until they got their cheque.
No thought for her grief or the time it all took to sell the house etc.
Not just family that are unreasonable when money is involved.

To those saying its disrespectful not to honour the deceased person's wishes. Is that more important than the current relationship with any siblings? I personally think not.

Also, I could understand and eventually accept an uneven split if it was all explained clearly beforehand or even at the time of death.

But to not be informed about anything and have it all done behind your back in secret, whilst also at the same home being lied to that it will be a 50/50 - now that is the part that you never get over imho.

There are absolutely circumstances in which money isn't split 50/50 and it is fair.

@Zilla1

I wonder in the countries with forced inheritance (Roman law countries?) whether the discussion is more around inheritance going to justifiably hated relatives unless there is provision to prevent this?

Yes. You can prevent that by making a will, however wife/husband and any DC are entitled to 1/2 of what they would've taken if they weren't disinherited.

I think in these situations there is generally a reason (not necessarily known to all parties).

Who is the eldest?
What kind of relationship was there between mum and DH, mum and daughter and between the siblings?
Did sister provide more day to day care for her in the later years?
Did DH benefit in some way years ago? Eg university fees, house deposits etc?
Did they get on?
Was it ever discussed differently so that DH believes he was getting half ?

I think to leave 92.5% of your assets to one child without a letter justifying your decision is cowardly.

I think to leave 92.5% of your assets to one child without a letter justifying your decision is cowardly.

In some case a letter is superfluous.

My mum is leaving everything to my sibling and nothing to me: she just came out with it one day that she hopes I respect her wishes. I couldn't even speak up. My sibling is golden dc and my mum has been cruel but I never thought it would extend this far.

In the end I have ended up nc with everyone because I understand it's up to others to do as they wish but for me this was an act of cruelty. I'd done a lot for all of my family. Always been there for my mum when she needed anything. For whatever reason my mum just didn't like me enough. It is very hard to accept but one must live with it!

SIL has been massively favoured financially by PIL over the years including thousands for a house deposit and all her wedding paid for whilst DH got nothing towards either.
I would think far far less of any parent in this situation. It isn't only money. It's what it represents.

@blueazur

My mum is leaving everything to my sibling and nothing to me: she just came out with it one day that she hopes I respect her wishes. I couldn't even speak up. My sibling is golden dc and my mum has been cruel but I never thought it would extend this far.

In the end I have ended up nc with everyone because I understand it's up to others to do as they wish but for me this was an act of cruelty. I'd done a lot for all of my family. Always been there for my mum when she needed anything. For whatever reason my mum just didn't like me enough. It is very hard to accept but one must live with it!

Whilst she is still alive, I urge you to try and find out what her reasons for this decision are. It's impossible to make peace and accept it, if you don't know why when they already are dead!

We haven't had this happen but the last 3 generations has had this disagreement in our family. And it's caused issues everytime.

My great grandma wanted to leave everything to one granddaughter (there were 4). My grandad and her had an argument. He told her she was not treating the rest of his daughters like that. He told her it was either left to all 4 of them or him. He knew it would cause a rift between his daughters. His mother's agreed

That same grandad, when he got older then threatened to leave one daughter out, for really petty reasons. The others simply pointed out they would share it equally, but the hurt he would cause would be horrific. Then he was splitting it between the daughters but based on how many kids they had. So 2 daughter got substantially less, my mum ended up with the same and one ended up with more has she had 4 kids. As my mum was impacted she said that the only fair way to do was to split it 4 ways between his own kids. He agreed. But there was a lot of hurt as the one daughter with 4 kids has always been the 'golden child'. Mum said at the time, that in her opinion people can do what they want with inheritance but her opinion was it should be split equally between the persons children. Still, 2 sisters no longer speak to the other 2.

And recently, mum and dad have decided they might share theirs unequally. Or might leave it to the grandkids. I told her she could do what she wanted, but I thought it was hypocritical, after what she said about my grandads inheritance.

Turns out this was sils suggestion based on the fact that sil had just inherited a large sum from her estranged father. And would inherit from her mother. She had sat mum and dad down and told mum and dad it would be irresponsible to give me and my brother the same. It would cause problems in their marriage if my brother inherited sustainably less since she was inheriting so much. And they would be causing their marriage problems because of the disparity. Mum and dad felt bad.

Its not the first time she has tried to tell them what to do with their inheritance or who they leave sentimental items too.

Mum and dad have since decided its just getting split 50:50 between me and my brother. I just know, though, that when my parents die SIL will cause that many problems, I won't speak to them again. She keeps insisting she wants some of my nanas jewellery, that mum has that was meant to be mine. She never even met my nana.

I hate talking about my mum and dad dying and I wish they would just spend it all now. I hate how much inheritance has caused so many issues. I told mum and dad I won't stop speaking to them if they decide to split it different, but to remember what happened with my grandad and how they felt at the time.

Although tbh, I don't like my sil (she told me women who work and plan to work after having kids, should be made Infertile and should not be allowed kids. I was a working mum) and the thought of her planning the aftermath of my parents death as she has been very cruel to them in the past, pissed me off.

I hate inheritance. Its caused so many issues in my family. I am leaving dp some money and the rest is going to the kids. 50:50. If I am not with dp or he dies first just the kids 50/50. That's it.

I can't imagine how painful it to havevig actually happen. Wether people agree or not, for most people splitting it so unfairly (unless there's reasons such as one has substantial medical needs) does leave the message that one child is more worthy than the other.

People have different ideas of fairness.

Some feel that they should split everything equally and others that what they leave should tend to equalise the wealth of their children.

I think the former is fairer and it is what I will do. OTOH, my late mother left about £350k to my brother and £50k to me as I am wealthier than my brother (IMO I have worked hard for it).

Luckily, we discussed it before she died, so, although I disagreed strongly with her, it was not a surprise and, yes, I have made peace with it.