Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

[quote Rejoiningperson]@theleafandnotthetree interesting about the whole Irish farm will - I’ve heard really varying accounts. It does seem only some members of the family are gifted plots of land to build a house - only one or two brothers usually. Women get nothing. My relation in law - their father left the farm to the youngest, and oldest threatened extreme violence until youngest relented and gave the farm to him. It’s usually the oldest male isn’t it? Or the one most suited or interested. But even then I just hear of so many burning or underlying resentments.

Still seems to cause burning resentment even with the tradition of leaving to one member.[/quote]
Oh for sure and there have been some horrendous cases of murder and extreme violence in only the last few years which arose out of disputes about land and inheritance. Certainly also the tradition of leaving to the oldest male child was in some cases the absolute wrong decision, not least for the person themselves who might have been useless or ill-suited when a younger sibling of either sex more suited never even got a chance. A man wrote into a big radio show here in Ireland recently (Ryan Tubridy) talking about exactly this and the man was clearly consumed with jealousy and resentment watching his older brother farming the land and living the way of life he desperately wanted but would never be able to afford due to price of agricultural land. It unleashed a flood of similar letters and emails so it is clearly an issue for many people. Many though are happy to go off and live their own lives, esp if they have their own professional careers, holidays, weekends off, pensions. Making a good living off of farming is a minority thing and most farmers in Ireland are asset rich and cash poor.

[quote Rejoiningperson]@theleafandnotthetree interesting about the whole Irish farm will - I’ve heard really varying accounts. It does seem only some members of the family are gifted plots of land to build a house - only one or two brothers usually. Women get nothing. My relation in law - their father left the farm to the youngest, and oldest threatened extreme violence until youngest relented and gave the farm to him. It’s usually the oldest male isn’t it? Or the one most suited or interested. But even then I just hear of so many burning or underlying resentments.

Still seems to cause burning resentment even with the tradition of leaving to one member.[/quote]
To be fair, in most farm families I know, the daughters also 'got their site' if they lived in the area. As women are more likely to migrate out of rural areas, they may not be able to take advantage of this but many would be well educated and independent. Statistically, some of the best educated people in Ireland are the children of farmers, and often those from the poorer more marginal farms are the best educated of all.

Women get nothing

That is completely untrue and insulting.

Both DH and I come from farming backgrounds so we've always accepted uneven inheritance.

It works best where the whole family know about it in advance. The other children generally get inheritance through other means - education, cash, site for a house.

In a lot of cases, the farm will be transferred during the owner's lifetime. In the main, it is transferred to the dc that is farming it and while the land may be worth a fortune, the farmer wouldn't dream of selling it so the value of it is immaterial really.

My father died and left everything (which wasn't that much really) to my two brothers and nothing to me. Mainly because he was a total prick.

They shared it evenly with me, because they aren't.

Happens to my father. His parents died and left everything to his two siblings and two of the grandchildren. Nothing to him. A very substantial estate.

Siblings never offered to share it. He had to handle disposal of the estate as well.

@Spoldge45 we have a similar situation in our family although it has been shouted from the rooftops so it won't be a surprise. My nan is leaving everything to one child and nothing to the other. Will has only changed within last couple of years.

The Child getting everything has always been the favourite even though does the minimum for my nan often protesting along the way. I have to strongly encourage them to visit her even.

The other child has never been favoured even though they have lived a life any parent would be immensely proud of. They also do everything practical to care for my nan.

In my family the reason one is favoured is because they are a particular gender and the other is not.

Unfortunately there is now animosity between the two because in effect nan is also disinheriting the grandchildren of the unfavoured child. The golden child is blinded by money and always being favoured/pampered. Sharing won't come into their mind. I am worried that cousins will start falling out even though we can't influence it 💔

I have had a super uneven inheritance. But I completely understand the reasons behind it and to a certain degree agree. My dad did discuss with me in a very open and consultative way.

I have a fantastic relationship with my brother and have never actually discussed inheritance with him. It's not something I ever really think about!

Vinyll that's incredibly gallant of you, amazing.

Really the onus should be on your siblings to Protect the relationship with you and their nieces /nephews...

I love crumpets!!

No he didn't have to handle the estate at all! If he was made executor he couid have handed it over to the solicitor and let them take a cut of his siblings share..

@claralara42

My father died and left everything (which wasn't that much really) to my two brothers and nothing to me. Mainly because he was a total prick.

They shared it evenly with me, because they aren't.

I love this!

@hedgehogger1

I'll start by saying my grandad is still alive. His will was found in his flat under a pile of old newspapers when my parents were cleaning his flat while he was in hospital after a very bad stomach bug. (They had a lot to clean).

He'd written my dad out of his will because he never came round, left everything to his brother. Except my parents were regularly round helping him out, doing his shopping, and my uncle lives in Spain. He was diagnosed with dementia after writing the will and leaving everything to the son that helps him out, but it's the wrong one. Apparently they could possibly contest when he's gone, but he can't change his will now he had dementia.

My uncle also has his power of attorney etc and after he got out of hospital moved him out of the independent living home he was in that he chose himself, to a cheap shared room in a horrible home with all the wallpaper peeling off the walls (and not very nice staff). I don't think he's even seen the place. Wants to maximise his inheritance clearly

You should check with the public guardian if there's anything you can do regarding the power of attorney and decisions made which are not in your granddads best interest

@hedgehogger1

www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian

why would any mother want to create a situation that would leave such tension between her 2 children,

That is assuming everyone loves their children like you do and they don't unfortunately. They are only are interested in their children in terms of what they can do for themselves. Similar situation but from the opposite point of view. (My Dh's family) he was the favoured child by a long shot and his siblings got screwed over completely. He did offer it all back and ironically doesn't want a bit of it. He can't get rid of it.

the attitude of favouring one child over another makes no sense to me,unfortunately I have lived my whole life literally being treated like I'm less Important than my siblings. I will always struggle to understand the mentality and have to learn to deal with the pain of being treated differently but it does mean I can control the interaction I have with my mother and don't have to worry about feeling guilty because she feels no guilt so why should I?

I suspect I will get nothing, bar a few keepsakes, but I'm basically ok with it because one of my siblings has health conditions that imply care needs and inability to work in their 60's so it's better that they get the house etc to give them some security. Otherwise me and the other sibling will end up financially supporting them anyway, so it'll be a wash.

I just told DP to write "Insert gets nothing. She knows why", just for a bit of shock value.

[quote UmElBinat]@hedgehogger1

www.gov.uk/report-concern-about-attorney-deputy-guardian[/quote]
Thanks I'll look into that.

Falling out with your family over the inheritance is toxic. I really think you have to rise above it. Life is too short to lose your family relationships unnecessarily. Not always easy. One of my siblings, who inherited while I didn't, is extremely well off. She owns several houses, 2 cars for her personal use, a horse, etc. She has retired early and lives a very nice life. But she has on occasion said that she can't visit us because train fares are too expensive, she doesn't send the children birthday presents, she goes on about how worried she is about money, etc. In the knowledge that I am a single parent on a low wage. I don't fall out with her, but I admit that it makes me less keen to spend time with her.

@invisiblesuit

Falling out with your family over the inheritance is toxic. I really think you have to rise above it. Life is too short to lose your family relationships unnecessarily. Not always easy. One of my siblings, who inherited while I didn't, is extremely well off. She owns several houses, 2 cars for her personal use, a horse, etc. She has retired early and lives a very nice life. But she has on occasion said that she can't visit us because train fares are too expensive, she doesn't send the children birthday presents, she goes on about how worried she is about money, etc. In the knowledge that I am a single parent on a low wage. I don't fall out with her, but I admit that it makes me less keen to spend time with her.

You're a better person than I to rise above it. The unequal inheritance is one thing - technically it was not her choice even though a better person might have done right by you - but to be playing the poor mouth? That is breathtakingly tactless and hurtful and I don't think I could rise above it. Or would even feel that I should..

What would you do? Break contact? I could talk to her about her attitude to money being silly, and/or about her tactlessness. I'm not sure that would work.

I think I would find it hard NOT to draw attention to the attitude to money, tactlessness etc (even outside the inheritance disparity, in fact I probably wouldn't bring that in to it at all). I would say it in a very calm, unemotional, factual and not cross way. And that you would prefer not to hear that kind of talk again if at all possible.

I can relate to so much here. Unfair distribution in my mum's will, in favour of the golden child. Previously we'd been told every time the will changed, reflecting the circumstances at the time. Last we knew it was equal shares.
All of us were living in our own homes, all working, none of us better off than the other, so to say it was a surprise would be an understatement. It took a long time to sort out, eventually golden child signed paperwork for it to revert to equal shares but my dh is convinced it was left for so long as they thought my dad wouldn't last long after mum died, and then they'd never have to do anything. Cynical? Perhaps.
Things never really improved, I asked a million times why my mum and dad did it and my dad hasn't got a reason, which is so frustrating.
My dad is now not well, possibility he'll never go home from hospital so I'm not very inclined to be the caring daughter, visiting every 5 minutes, doing his washing, golden child can do it. My sister is more forgiving, good for her.
I know it's all sorted and back to equal shares (unless it's been changed again) but that doesn't change my feelings that I wasn't good enough. I've had that all my life, feeling second best to golden child and it is a resentment that won't go away.

@Curlygirl06

I can relate to so much here. Unfair distribution in my mum's will, in favour of the golden child. Previously we'd been told every time the will changed, reflecting the circumstances at the time. Last we knew it was equal shares. All of us were living in our own homes, all working, none of us better off than the other, so to say it was a surprise would be an understatement. It took a long time to sort out, eventually golden child signed paperwork for it to revert to equal shares but my dh is convinced it was left for so long as they thought my dad wouldn't last long after mum died, and then they'd never have to do anything. Cynical? Perhaps. Things never really improved, I asked a million times why my mum and dad did it and my dad hasn't got a reason, which is so frustrating. My dad is now not well, possibility he'll never go home from hospital so I'm not very inclined to be the caring daughter, visiting every 5 minutes, doing his washing, golden child can do it. My sister is more forgiving, good for her. I know it's all sorted and back to equal shares (unless it's been changed again) but that doesn't change my feelings that I wasn't good enough. I've had that all my life, feeling second best to golden child and it is a resentment that won't go away.

In my case, the ironic part is I was always the one who got on better with my dad and my brother with my mum (opposite parent thing). So for my dad to then give everything to my brother and nothing to me is like a double whammy 💔

Meredusoleil yep, and I know it's petty, happened years ago, don't be so horrible to your dad, yadda yadda yadda (comments from my neice mostly but not to my face) but I'm like an elephant, I don't forget. There's so much more behind it, I'd fill a thread all on my own but I'm sort of ok about it. (Not really, can't wait for the shenanigans when my dad dies)The hospital gives me a fuck-off big bag of washing and expected me to do it! I didn't even break stride, told the golden child is in charge of EVERYTHING, as is constantly told to us, so give it to him.

Told them