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Original poster

Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

225 replies

Spoldge45 · 01/07/2021 21:18

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/07/2021 21:52

I really feel for your husband. What a kick in the teeth that was for him.

My ex husband had an arrangement with his sister that if their mum wrote one of them out (she liked to fall out with people) that they would just split it anyway. I wish your sister in law had more moral integrity, tbh. She's paid a massive price for taking that money.

Stonelovelace · 01/07/2021 21:52

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Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 21:52

Maybe she mistakenly thought her daughter would love the house and perhaps needed somewhere to go? Maybe she disliked whoever her DD was married to and wanted to provide her with the family home?

It's not good though.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money
AnneKipanki · 01/07/2021 21:52

Just make sure your family are well mentally and physically. Try to ignore it or it will eat you up .
I can’t say anything nice about the Mother so I won’t say anything .

ancientgran · 01/07/2021 21:53

Are you likely to inherit money and SIL not? I have 3 children who get help from ILs who are all comfortable. I have a 4th child, their partner has no relatives and I do tend to give a bit more to that couple.

Obviously not to the extent you are talking about, I mean a bit more at Christmas/birthdays that sort of thing but could that have been a factor.

mullmara · 01/07/2021 21:53

I find these situations bizarre. If I was the sister I couldn't have not shared the wealth.

Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 21:54

Just seen your update.

Her DD was on her own. That makes things very different. University costs, retirement costs, old age alone etc..

Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 21:54

And presumably you can inherit through your partner's family.

Fieldsoftripe9 · 01/07/2021 21:55

My father in law is/will go through this situation in the next few years.

Father in law is one of 2 brothers. Younger brother (late 50's) has never left home, never had a relationship and never contributed to the running of the house despite earning a good wage all his life. No disabilities, asexual we think.

Fil lives round the corner in his own property that he scrimped and saved to afford his whole life (had a tiny loan to get first house but had to pay it back with interest!)

Fil's parents have written in their will the younger brother gets the house (750-800k) & the car and any left over savings.

Fil will maybe get a couple of thousand but they haven't really specified- just that the younger brother gets everything pretty much. They have been saying it for years. Father in law has always said he'd just pass any money straight to his children anyway, but he is completely devastated they favour the younger brother in such a way. It has emotionally destroyed him and they used to remind him of it at least once a year. Fil has done nothing wrong to them, just made his own life for himself.

I know the younger brother won't share. Fil says that as soon as inheritance comes around he is marching younger brother down to write his will and will tell him if he doesn't agree to leave his estate et to his nieces and nephew he is going to completely cut him off from the family (he has no one left after his dad dies)

Sad really.

Lettuceforlunch · 01/07/2021 21:55

I can honestly say I would never keep that money to myself if I was the one inheriting it. How awful for the richer sibling not to share. If on the receiving end, I don’t think I’d ever get over it.

mullmara · 01/07/2021 21:57

@Meredusoleil I'm sorry that's awful. I couldn't never to that to my siblings.

ThatWasCrazy · 01/07/2021 21:58

Not exactly the same but my grandmother died a few years ago and left £20k to two of her 9 grandchildren and nothing to the other 7 (I was one of the 7)

My parents kindly tried to divvy up some of their cash a bit and gave £1k to each of the others but it was a bit Confused It hasn't caused a rift or anything but was a bit shit and I did secretly think if I'd been one of the 2 I would have just divided it equally.

Meredusoleil · 01/07/2021 21:59

@Fieldsoftripe9

My father in law is/will go through this situation in the next few years.

Father in law is one of 2 brothers. Younger brother (late 50's) has never left home, never had a relationship and never contributed to the running of the house despite earning a good wage all his life. No disabilities, asexual we think.

Fil lives round the corner in his own property that he scrimped and saved to afford his whole life (had a tiny loan to get first house but had to pay it back with interest!)

Fil's parents have written in their will the younger brother gets the house (750-800k) & the car and any left over savings.

Fil will maybe get a couple of thousand but they haven't really specified- just that the younger brother gets everything pretty much. They have been saying it for years. Father in law has always said he'd just pass any money straight to his children anyway, but he is completely devastated they favour the younger brother in such a way. It has emotionally destroyed him and they used to remind him of it at least once a year. Fil has done nothing wrong to them, just made his own life for himself.

I know the younger brother won't share. Fil says that as soon as inheritance comes around he is marching younger brother down to write his will and will tell him if he doesn't agree to leave his estate et to his nieces and nephew he is going to completely cut him off from the family (he has no one left after his dad dies)

Sad really.

This is what my dh says is the worst part about it all. That my dad and brother have not only screwed us over, but cheated their granddaughters/nieces out of a substantial sum which would have really helped set them up in life. Its too late for us, as we don't really 'need' the money at this later stage in our lives. At least, God willing, touch wood, fingers crossed, I hope not anyway 🤞
Viviennemary · 01/07/2021 22:01

I think it would be really difficult to move forward from this total unfairness. I don't think I would be in contact with the person who got the lion's share.

Meredusoleil · 01/07/2021 22:02

[quote mullmara]@Meredusoleil I'm sorry that's awful. I couldn't never to that to my siblings. [/quote]
I agree. Neither could I. Nor to my nephews/niece. But my brother's argument is that this was what my dad wanted and he(we) should respect his wishes. Even though he knows the reasoning behind the decision is a load of BS 😬

StiggyZardust · 01/07/2021 22:05

My in-laws have made it clear that my DH will inherit everything other than a couple of thousand pounds which will go to his sister. They've had a very difficult relationship with their daughter over the years. As far as I can see it's mainly due to MILs jealousy and insanity.

DH has told me that when the time comes he plans to split everything evenly with his sister. He's a good person.

Bananarice · 01/07/2021 22:05

Yes, my uncle got the only house his mother had. Because he was a man with no house. Her other son has a large mortgage and her two daughters rent. But her rudest child got her house.

She told me her plan and I was able to convince her to tell all her children. Dm and her siblings had time to try and understand her logic and made peace with it before she died. It hasn't ruined the sibling situation as they knew it was coming.

Vinyll · 01/07/2021 22:08

My situation was not the same as this, but in different circumstances I received nothing. My siblings did give me some of their inheritance, but I suspect that it was only a small share, and they are vastly better off than I am. My decision was not to be eaten up by bitterness. I also wanted my children to have a good relationship with their uncles and aunts. So I don't think about it. In fact, I don't focus on money, full stop. And a the end of the day the decision was your DH's mother's, who is now dead. She may have had her own logic, and it was her decision to make.

Fieldsoftripe9 · 01/07/2021 22:08

@Meredusoleil

It's exactly how my fil feels about it all. He has worked so hard since he was 16 (crazy hours) all his life and has never lavishly spent money on anything really, he just would want to pass it on as it would mean more to his children/grandkids than it would to him.

What really cuts him up is the unjust favouritism. Even if the entire amount of inheritance was 5k and he only received £5 it would still sting the same.

I'm really worried for when great fil passes away because the shit is going to hit the fan and its going to get ugly.

I don't understand parents that leave inheritance unequally.

Zilla1 · 01/07/2021 22:08

I wonder in the countries with forced inheritance (Roman law countries?) whether the discussion is more around inheritance going to justifiably hated relatives unless there is provision to prevent this?

Meredusoleil · 01/07/2021 22:09

@Bananarice

Yes, my uncle got the only house his mother had. Because he was a man with no house. Her other son has a large mortgage and her two daughters rent. But her rudest child got her house.

She told me her plan and I was able to convince her to tell all her children. Dm and her siblings had time to try and understand her logic and made peace with it before she died. It hasn't ruined the sibling situation as they knew it was coming.

That definitely helps to know in advance. I had no idea until my dad was in his final months. By then, it was too late to do anything about it. Plus, he never told me the truth whilst he still could anyway. Preferring to lie until his last breath that the house would still be 50/50 mine and my brother's 🙄
Fieldsoftripe9 · 01/07/2021 22:13

@StiggyZardust

My in-laws have made it clear that my DH will inherit everything other than a couple of thousand pounds which will go to his sister. They've had a very difficult relationship with their daughter over the years. As far as I can see it's mainly due to MILs jealousy and insanity.

DH has told me that when the time comes he plans to split everything evenly with his sister. He's a good person.

This is what a good person would do.

My half siblings were left absolutely nothing from their alcoholic waste of space father. If my mum has anything left when she dies and her house is sold I'm going to divide my share between my 3 siblings as they would need it more than me if I inherit solely from my dad.

If my mum left it all to me I simply couldn't keep it all, her wishes or not, I'd feel awful.

BashStreet1 · 01/07/2021 22:15

Yes - my grandparent had 4 adult children and left significantly less to one son.

This was because that son and his wife were absolutely horrible to her. Were rude and difficult on visits, then stopped visiting at all. The wife made lots of untrue allegations about grandma and son sided with his wife. They ended up no contact for many years and refused to see her when she was dying.

I'm surprised grandma left them anything at all tbh! They kicked off massively when they found out they hadn't got 1/4 of her estate but as she was of sound mind there was nothing they could do legally.

Meredusoleil · 01/07/2021 22:15

[quote Fieldsoftripe9]@Meredusoleil

It's exactly how my fil feels about it all. He has worked so hard since he was 16 (crazy hours) all his life and has never lavishly spent money on anything really, he just would want to pass it on as it would mean more to his children/grandkids than it would to him.

What really cuts him up is the unjust favouritism. Even if the entire amount of inheritance was 5k and he only received £5 it would still sting the same.

I'm really worried for when great fil passes away because the shit is going to hit the fan and its going to get ugly.

I don't understand parents that leave inheritance unequally.[/quote]
My pain is more caused by the fact that my dad never admitted what he had done to me. It was the lying to my face that I will never get over. Even when I had found our for a fact what he had done. He still wouldn't tell me why and instead, he repeatedly denied he had done anything.

Yes he had his reasons. But my brother should have done the right thing and split the house equally between us, paying me my share by getting a mortgage out on it. Which he refuses to do. Why? Because it doesn't suit him. He thinks he's entitled to the whole house and I'm not entitled to anything.

Dh and I have said we will never do that to our kids. Thankfully, my mum has said she won't either. Even though she too has fallen out with my brother since my dad's death (they are divorced).

floatingboater · 01/07/2021 22:16

And presumably you can inherit through your partner's family.

Why presume that? My parents have bugger all to leave me, and I'm sure they're not the only ones in that position.