Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

Farming background here, farm and house etc will be going to my sibling that is a farmer. He's never moved out, has invested loads into the business and house. I've always known it'll be this way and made my own way in life.
I'm a bit disappointed but whilst we're still welcome to go and stay over I don't mind. If it had to be sold he'd lose his home and business.
I think it helps that I've always understood that it'd be this way and I've seen farming families fall out or try and accommodate extended families into the business and it doesn't usually work long term.

@Mandalay246

My father's mum left everything to one of her surviving sons and the other did not object. Again one son was there for her 100% the other lived abroad.

Once again unfair. How can someone who lives abroad possibly do the caring for someone in another country? Are we all supposed to live near our parents these days? I know plenty of people with children abroad - they wouldn't dream of treating them any different to those who live nearby. I really wonder why some people have children.

Don't you think the one who did the caring deserves more? Maybe not 100% but they might have sacrificed promotions or job opportunities and the parent might feel they should recognise that. Of course the other thing is if one wasn't there to do any caring there might not be an inheritance at all.

Yes this has happened to my Dad over and over again. His parents died young and their house was left to his older brother. Then his grandparents died and there was no mention of their will but my dad found it on the internet or something and my dad’s parents’ share had also gone to his brother. Finally, his step dad died and again his money went to my dad’s brother. This was the final straw and my parents haven’t spoken to them since.

My dad’s brother has done ‘odd jobs’; a bit of decorating, pest control etc all his life and they now live on a massive 5 bedroom house with no mortgage and they’ve been able to help their children onto the property ladder.

My dad was cut off for the ‘crime’ of moving away to have a career (in the armed forces). Even as recently as my step grandad’s funeral, his brother asked him if it isn’t about time they moved back to the village they all come from 🙄. Never mind the fact that all my siblings and I are settled up here and married with families, nope they should move back down to be near the one brother.

My dad’s brother has never so much as offered to share a single penny with my dad and I just can’t see why he wouldn’t even think that’s it’s unfair.

It will have an effect on me and my siblings as my parents have gone for the attitude of “we haven’t been given anything and we won’t be leaving anything”.

My GM left everything to my mother and her siblings got nothing. Not that there was a fortune anyway, no house or anything. My mother was quite alot older than her siblings, there were two dead babies in between, so when GM had a serious illness my mother gave up work, she was late teens, and nursed her mother and became "mother" to her younger siblings. Again when GM was terminally ill my mother gave up work and nursed her.

They were all very upset when they saw the will but when they thought about it they realised it was fair. I don't think equal always means fair.

Don't you think the one who did the caring deserves more? Maybe not 100% but they might have sacrificed promotions or job opportunities and the parent might feel they should recognise that. Of course the other thing is if one wasn't there to do any caring there might not be an inheritance at all.

Exactly.

@cupofdecaf

Farming background here, farm and house etc will be going to my sibling that is a farmer. He's never moved out, has invested loads into the business and house. I've always known it'll be this way and made my own way in life. I'm a bit disappointed but whilst we're still welcome to go and stay over I don't mind. If it had to be sold he'd lose his home and business. I think it helps that I've always understood that it'd be this way and I've seen farming families fall out or try and accommodate extended families into the business and it doesn't usually work long term.

This is one of the situations where it is fairer to give the bulk to one child, and normal for farms. Ditto I understand when there is an enormous family house and contents, to keep this passing down the generations, although there should then be the disclaimer that if the recipient sells the house then the proceeds are divided between siblings. My two sibling friends were left their Grandparents house jointly, but they then split the proceeds three ways, and gave a third to a young neighbour of their Grandparent, who had been very kind and helpful . Both friends lived a long way away and the help of the neighbour had been invaluable.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

For me, it was a situation with my great uncle. I cared for him for six years after he became a double amputee with a really bad heart, and just before he died, he made it known that he was changing his will to leave everything to me. I work freelance but wasn't earning very much due to being his carer, I was claiming carer's allowance for this. But he felt as though he wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for him. My gran (his sister) inherited if there was no change to the will, but she was in favour of him changing it, as they're already very comfortable (their pensions build up faster than they can spend them, plus hefty savings) and she knew how much it would change my life at this point, at the age of 24.

He was leaving a house, plus £120k savings.

Unexpectedly and heart breakingly, he suffered a heart attack before he got the chance to change his will. After two weeks in hospital - without regaining consciousness again - he died. I was heartbroken. It's amazing how close you can get to someone when you care for them.

Everything went to my gran because the will hadn't been changed. She knew his wishes.

She gave my uncle (her son) £50k to pay off his mortgage, her other daughter £50k to get her out of debt (some mortgage some credit cards) and paid a loan off for my mum that was £20k.

The money from the house sale - which was only £65k because it needed a hell of a lot doing to it - was split between her other children and all of her grandchildren.

I ended up with £4k.

I know you don't care for people to get money, but it hurts because a) he made his wishes clear and my mum and gran both knew this and b) only I did anything for him. I was left pretty much alone. Some of my cousins hadn't seen him since they were kids at family gatherings, yet they still benefited just as much as me.

I could have had a house and substantial savings, and instead it was barely enough for a couple of months rent while I looked for a new job (as obviously I wasn't getting anything for caring anymore).

I can't get over it.

I think it hurts me too because I had imagined myself living in that house, and instead it was sold.

@LindaEllen that is such a shame. I do think the people who do the caring should be recognised and obviously his wish for this should have been honoured.

I'm sorry OP, this type of thing sadly seems quite common.
The only similar case I know of was a girl I met in university who came from a farming family in rural Ireland. Her eldest brother was due to inherit the whole farm (from the sounds of it worth quite a substantial amount).
However, her and her other siblings were well aware of this, and had been funded through university by their parents to compensate. As far as I'm aware it's not unusual, in order to keep the farm from being divided up. She was fine with it.

I know people say you can leave your money to whomever you want, and of course you can. But if you plan on leaving your estate to your children, and if you have good relationships with those children, and want them to continue to have good relationships after you are gone, then leaving vastly unequal amounts is a recipe for disaster.
Especially without explaining why - it can lead to some feeling very rejected, without a chance to question why, because the person is gone.

Obviously, if there is a very good reason to leave one child more, for example if they are disabled or unable to live independently and need care, that is totally different.

I also agree that just because one child appears to be doing well in life, you never know how circumstances can change - people can lose their jobs, divorce happens etc. and everyone could do with a financial cushion of some sort.

My DF remarried about 20 years ago and his new wife decided I, as a daughter was a threat therefore he cut me off. He has chosen to never meet my dc, despite living a few miles away. My dB has been allowed contact and therefore I assume he will inherit all of df's money. I'm fine with that, I wouldn't feel right having a penny from DF when he has effectively shunned me all of these years.

@Mulletsaremisunderstood

I'm sorry OP, this type of thing sadly seems quite common. The only similar case I know of was a girl I met in university who came from a farming family in rural Ireland. Her eldest brother was due to inherit the whole farm (from the sounds of it worth quite a substantial amount). However, her and her other siblings were well aware of this, and had been funded through university by their parents to compensate. As far as I'm aware it's not unusual, in order to keep the farm from being divided up. She was fine with it.

I know people say you can leave your money to whomever you want, and of course you can. But if you plan on leaving your estate to your children, and if you have good relationships with those children, and want them to continue to have good relationships after you are gone, then leaving vastly unequal amounts is a recipe for disaster.
Especially without explaining why - it can lead to some feeling very rejected, without a chance to question why, because the person is gone.

Obviously, if there is a very good reason to leave one child more, for example if they are disabled or unable to live independently and need care, that is totally different.

I also agree that just because one child appears to be doing well in life, you never know how circumstances can change - people can lose their jobs, divorce happens etc. and everyone could do with a financial cushion of some sort.

Yes, very common, the norm in fact for one sibling to inherit the family farm and especially is that person is diligent, is making a go of it as a farm, etc., it rarely causes too many problems. Often the other siblings will have been supported through college, gifted a site to build a house on etc. It is more problematic where one person inherits and then soon after sells the land for development or something (happened a bit during the Celtic Tiger era) - then I think there is a moral imperative at least on them to share the windfall to some extent.

My Grandad left a house to be shared amongst his Sons (4) and a couple of grand to my Mum when he died many years ago.

My parents were much wealthier than the brothers at that time, which probably explains the disparity, but my mum had had a very hard up bringing - she was the youngest and was brought up by her Aunt. However in her adulthood she had the same relationship with her Father as her brothers did, so the disparity really made her feel that she'd been an outcast all her life

She ended up not seeing much of her brothers for several years, now they do see each other but Mum will never get over it. It's not the money, it's the feeling that she was never as good as them.

This is really tough OP. Only real play I can think of is let them know how the disparity is making you all feel, then cut them off. But that's a high risk, potentially self destructive kind of move.

This is why it's so incredibly important to talk to people about their will's and their wishes. It's not a taboo subject.

@Donkydinky

Just seen your update.

Her DD was on her own. That makes things very different. University costs, retirement costs, old age alone etc..

I'm on my own but I'd be very cross with my parents if they favoured me because of that and would make it right with my sister anyway.

I'll start by saying my grandad is still alive. His will was found in his flat under a pile of old newspapers when my parents were cleaning his flat while he was in hospital after a very bad stomach bug. (They had a lot to clean).

He'd written my dad out of his will because he never came round, left everything to his brother. Except my parents were regularly round helping him out, doing his shopping, and my uncle lives in Spain. He was diagnosed with dementia after writing the will and leaving everything to the son that helps him out, but it's the wrong one. Apparently they could possibly contest when he's gone, but he can't change his will now he had dementia.

My uncle also has his power of attorney etc and after he got out of hospital moved him out of the independent living home he was in that he chose himself, to a cheap shared room in a horrible home with all the wallpaper peeling off the walls (and not very nice staff). I don't think he's even seen the place. Wants to maximise his inheritance clearly

I'm not sure I would have "found" that will.

@hedgehogger1

I'll start by saying my grandad is still alive. His will was found in his flat under a pile of old newspapers when my parents were cleaning his flat while he was in hospital after a very bad stomach bug. (They had a lot to clean).

He'd written my dad out of his will because he never came round, left everything to his brother. Except my parents were regularly round helping him out, doing his shopping, and my uncle lives in Spain. He was diagnosed with dementia after writing the will and leaving everything to the son that helps him out, but it's the wrong one. Apparently they could possibly contest when he's gone, but he can't change his will now he had dementia.

My uncle also has his power of attorney etc and after he got out of hospital moved him out of the independent living home he was in that he chose himself, to a cheap shared room in a horrible home with all the wallpaper peeling off the walls (and not very nice staff). I don't think he's even seen the place. Wants to maximise his inheritance clearly

Christ, how do some people look at themselves in the mirror?

I suggest your DH has some counselling to try and come to terms with the unequal division of assets and then try and think that 50k is better than nothing which is what a lot of people get.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER it's for this reason I'll never leave money to charity.
I will probably instruct my dc to give a sum to a charity of their choice.

It’s very unfair but I think quite common. My dm’s inheritance was uneven with some siblings receiving the bulk and the rest being left very small amounts. This hurt her more than she would ever admit and means she is excruciatingly fair with us. She is adamant that we will all benefit equally from anything that she has to leave.

What is funny is that other family members (not my siblings) don’t agree. They have said that as dh and I are relatively well off dm inheritance should be split between my siblings because we don’t need the money. In fairness we don’t, and even though it would sting if she took that decision I have only ever told my dm that it’s up to her. She has said that she would never leave one of us out, and even if we don’t need the money we can put it away for dc. I’m grateful that she is the person that she is as even though the money isn’t going to improve our lives one way or another, it would definitely hurt if she excluded me.

I will do exactly the same with my own dc.

@jasminoide

My DF remarried about 20 years ago and his new wife decided I, as a daughter was a threat therefore he cut me off. He has chosen to never meet my dc, despite living a few miles away. My dB has been allowed contact and therefore I assume he will inherit all of df's money. I'm fine with that, I wouldn't feel right having a penny from DF when he has effectively shunned me all of these years.

His wife will convince him to leave it all to her. Your brother will probably get nothing. I'm sorry your father is so awful.

@LindaEllen

I'm sorry that happened to you.

For me, it was a situation with my great uncle. I cared for him for six years after he became a double amputee with a really bad heart, and just before he died, he made it known that he was changing his will to leave everything to me. I work freelance but wasn't earning very much due to being his carer, I was claiming carer's allowance for this. But he felt as though he wanted to thank me for everything I'd done for him. My gran (his sister) inherited if there was no change to the will, but she was in favour of him changing it, as they're already very comfortable (their pensions build up faster than they can spend them, plus hefty savings) and she knew how much it would change my life at this point, at the age of 24.

He was leaving a house, plus £120k savings.

Unexpectedly and heart breakingly, he suffered a heart attack before he got the chance to change his will. After two weeks in hospital - without regaining consciousness again - he died. I was heartbroken. It's amazing how close you can get to someone when you care for them.

Everything went to my gran because the will hadn't been changed. She knew his wishes.

She gave my uncle (her son) £50k to pay off his mortgage, her other daughter £50k to get her out of debt (some mortgage some credit cards) and paid a loan off for my mum that was £20k.

The money from the house sale - which was only £65k because it needed a hell of a lot doing to it - was split between her other children and all of her grandchildren.

I ended up with £4k.

I know you don't care for people to get money, but it hurts because a) he made his wishes clear and my mum and gran both knew this and b) only I did anything for him. I was left pretty much alone. Some of my cousins hadn't seen him since they were kids at family gatherings, yet they still benefited just as much as me.

I could have had a house and substantial savings, and instead it was barely enough for a couple of months rent while I looked for a new job (as obviously I wasn't getting anything for caring anymore).

I can't get over it.

I think it hurts me too because I had imagined myself living in that house, and instead it was sold.

If he had really meant that, then he'd have changed his will immediately after you became his carer. Your anger is misdirected.

theleafandnotthetree
Yes, very common, the norm in fact for one sibling to inherit the family farm and especially is that person is diligent, is making a go of it as a farm, etc., it rarely causes too many problems. Often the other siblings will have been supported through college, gifted a site to build a house on etc. It is more problematic where one person inherits and then soon after sells the land for development or something (happened a bit during the Celtic Tiger era) - then I think there is a moral imperative at least on them to share the windfall to some extent.

Yeah, I actually heard about a case like that before - where the eldest son inherited the family farm to keep it going, and then turned around and sold off the land to developers for millions. I'm sure his parents would be turning in their grave!

Regarding charities, I have also heard horror stories about how grabby and pushy they are when trying to get their share.I guess they have no emotional attachment to the deceased, but it must be hard to have to deal with them when you are grieving a loved one.

When was the will written? Is it possible there were more savings but they were used to pay for her care at the end of her life?

@theleafandnotthetree interesting about the whole Irish farm will - I’ve heard really varying accounts. It does seem only some members of the family are gifted plots of land to build a house - only one or two brothers usually. Women get nothing. My relation in law - their father left the farm to the youngest, and oldest threatened extreme violence until youngest relented and gave the farm to him. It’s usually the oldest male isn’t it? Or the one most suited or interested. But even then I just hear of so many burning or underlying resentments.

Still seems to cause burning resentment even with the tradition of leaving to one member.