Has anyone else been able to accept uneven inheritance?

[Spoldge45]

I'll keep this brief. 6yrs ago DH's mother died. She had a house worth £620k & savings of £50k She gave the house to DH's sister & the £50k to DH. (The house was sold a few months later).

We used the £50k to pay a lump sum off our mortgage.

Obviously DH's mum was perfectly within her rights to do this, it was her money & she had the right to distribute it exactly how she likes, but I just wondered how common this is & if anyone else has experienced similar?

To this day we have no idea what caused the disparity & its that that has caused the upset rather than the actual financial implications.

Both DH & his sister had one child each, so there were 2 grandchildren in total. Our daughter is 12 & our nephew is now 18.

It was quite while ago now, but it has definitely had an effect on us as a family in many ways. DH's mental health has never been quite the same and its had a negative effect on his relationship with his sister.

Has anyone else been able to move on from a situation like this?

OP, to do this without explaining why was thoughtless and hurtful. You'll get over your small inheritance but the hurt will never go away 💐

My MIL left her flat to my DH and nothing to SIL. She told us this was going to happen (but didn't tell SIL). We said it was unfair and it should be split but she was stubborn and old fashioned.

Her reasoning was that her parents left everything to her brothers and nothing to her as she was married and it was her husband's responsibility to look after her and she was doing the same. Nothing we said could persuade her otherwise.

My DH always intended to sell her flat and give his sister half when the time came.

When MIL died SIL saw the will before DH could explain. She told absolutely everyone (friends, other relatives, her adult children) that DH had stolen the flat. DH still gave her her fair share but the damage had been done and his niece and nephew barely speak to him now.

I feel for your DH, it does destroy family relationships when things like this happen.

My grandfather was cheated out of the family business because his brother destroyed the will when their father died. His brother was a nasty, violent piece of work, who should have been in prison.

Everything in my own and DH's will is equal splits, I know my parents are the same.

It must be hard to accept his Mother’s seemingly favouritism towards his sister. I know my parents will says that, with the exception of certain possessions with sentimental value that they want certain children to have, everything is split equally between me and my siblings.

Probably too late now but it is possible to appeal a will.

Sometimes an uneven inheritance is fair.

My mum's mum left my DM twice as much as her two brothers. My DM was here and looked after my DGM, her brothers lived abroad so visited but that was it. Similarly I got a big chunk, and the other grandchildren got a lot less. I was there for her for her last 15 years of her life, they weren't.

My father's mum left everything to one of her surviving sons and the other did not object. Again one son was there for her 100% the other lived abroad.

But in respect for the deceased person, I'd assume there's a reason why they wanted their assets split that way. Perhaps there are things about the relationships that not everyone knows. Could be anything, whatever, they have made that decision so I feel like it should, in most cases, be respected.

For a start I would have no respect for someone who wanted their assets split that way. I will agree that there are some good reasons for people treating their children differently when it comes to inheritance, but they are few and this does not seem to be the case here. Unless you are totally estranged from a child there is no reason to treat them unkindly, and the disparity in this case is just awful. Neither do I accept the excuse that the MIL might have thought her house worth the same as the amount left to the OP's DH. My elderly parents are quite well aware of current house prices.

My father's mum left everything to one of her surviving sons and the other did not object. Again one son was there for her 100% the other lived abroad.

Once again unfair. How can someone who lives abroad possibly do the caring for someone in another country? Are we all supposed to live near our parents these days? I know plenty of people with children abroad - they wouldn't dream of treating them any different to those who live nearby. I really wonder why some people have children.

In my extended family a father left his estate to his two sons, deliberately worded in the will that the younger son got one seventh of the amount (property, shares in a business, cash etc) that the older son got. The older son had always been the clear favourite from infancy. It has caused generations of family division and mental health problems. Awful.

@Meredusoliel I'm sorry that happened to you, I would be so bitter about this.

I don't have siblings but I have a cousin who is like my brother, there's no way I could have screwed him like that. Even if the reason behind the disinheritance was valid I would at least have cut him a good slice. Terrible x

What did the sister say about it at the time, did your dh contest the will ?

Bil grandfather left everything to his sister bc he hated certain life choices bil had made.
His ister waited 6 months (think she had to square it with her husband which I understand) and gave them bil half.
Prompted dh to do exact same years later when an uncle he was particularly close to and had helped professionally left us money and did not leave to his siblings.
Terribly painful situations to deal with sorry op
The only thing I can think of is that your dh was regarded as not needing it and/or being self sufficient without it. But very difficult nonetheless

When was the will written? Was it between sil dc being born and your dc being born? You say you’re older parents, maybe it was written with view to it going to only grandchild and never got updated. Agree it’s not fair, and I’d find it very difficult to get over.

We already know this is going to happen when DH's mother dies: she has changed her will 3 times in 2 years, always assisted by her 2 daughters. We only know thus through other people, I know when the time comes it will be horrible for my DH. We got frozen out years ago,she just prefers her daughters over her son, it goes back to childhood. TBH, I can't stand any of them and she's always been a bitch, this is just another nasty thing she's done.

The only way you can come to terms with it is accept it was MIL’s money to do what she wanted with and no-one should have had any expectation or claim.

My DH’s brother inherited the large family estate and his siblings including DH got nothing. It has been in the family for centuries, so some rationale - if you think in those terms. DH’s brother died recently and unexpectedly, quite young and his kids will probably sell up when their Mum dies.

I do occasionally think it is unfair that my own kids will have fuck all, but at least their Dad is alive and the family estate has caused so much bitterness and rifts over the years it is not worth dwelling on. Nothing is fair at the end of the day. They are better off than their cousins in other ways, brains, careers, looks etc.

The Scottish system is different and is a bit 'fairer' in that even if there is a will, children and spouses have legal rights they can claim on the estate and they get a specific share of the residue (moveable estate) depending on how many others there are. So in Scotland you can't really properly disinherit your children. You can make it a bit more tricky for them, and other relatives like a sibling do not have legal rights.

@Meredusoleil

I'll beat that with what happened to me a few years ago when my dad died.

He owned a £1 million house outright that was always supposed to be split equally between my younger bro and me (the only 2 kids).

But when it came down to it and he found out he had months to live, my dad decided to sign over the house 100% to my bro. Leaving me with 0% and nothing else either.

I to this day will never agree, forget or forgive what he/they did to me and my family - effectively screwing is out of about £500k.

And I refuse to have anything to do with my brother and his family whilst they are lording it up in our childhood home 😔

This is almost the same as what happened to me. My brother did this, and and he can’t see he’s done anything wrong… My father died a couple of years ago, but I am no longer in contact with that brother and my mother. Best thing I’ve ever done.

Unfortunately things haven’t quite worked out like he planned and my mother now has dementia and needs nursing home care. Brother is carrying on like he’s the best son ever as he is left with making arrangements for mother, but the way I see it it’s time for him to earn his money.

They live in a different country so rules about nursing home payment are different to UK, but they will still have to contribute

As someone said above, you can make your peace with the situation, but the relationship is over for good.

I'll beat that with what happened to me a few years ago when my dad died.

He owned a £1 million house outright that was always supposed to be split equally between my younger bro and me (the only 2 kids).

But when it came down to it and he found out he had months to live, my dad decided to sign over the house 100% to my bro. Leaving me with 0% and nothing else either.

I to this day will never agree, forget or forgive what he/they did to me and my family - effectively screwing is out of about £500k.

And I refuse to have anything to do with my brother and his family whilst they are lording it up in our childhood home 😔

Why did he do it Meredesoleil ? That's terrible.

A friend of mine was left the diamonds and the brother got the holiday house, at the time the will was written they cost the same but the value had significantly changed in the later years! Not fair but also not intended.

We expect the same to happen on DH's side of the family. His parents have always favoured his sister. They're very old-fashioned and think women can't do anything for themselves and should be looked after by husbands, parents etc... This behaviour has driven brother and sister away from each other to the extent that my husband recently genuinely forgot he had a sister. :-)

I contrast this with with grandmother who has five children whom she's always loved and treated fairly. The family's tight knit and would move heaven and earth for her. An experienced family lawyer who dealt with money matters after my grandfather died could not believe it when all five children turned up at a meeting he arranged and dutifully signed the paperwork without a single complaint. He said this never happens. I'm very proud of my family.

So no, OP, you're not alone. Don't let it get to you.

Although it worries me slightly my DM might do this. I am a high earner and my DP is a low earner. My brother and his DP earn middle range incomes and actually earn more together than me and my DP do. But my DM seems to think I am rich and that my brother isn't as I earn more than him?

@1forAll74

I think it's a poor show, when people fall out about property or money left to them in a will. If someones wishes to leave different things to certain family members, that's all there is to it. People's various financial circumstances, don't come in to it.

I think the vast, vast majority of people would have trouble being so detached and bloodless about it and with good reason. Whether we like it or not, the distribution of our resources HAS meaning, is not random and meaning is taken from it. How could it be otherwise unless the person literally picks names out a hat in terms of who is to inherit what. It's a tale as old as time, no doubt earlest man would have been pissed off if his brother got his fathers best spear and he a stubby club. The universality of knowing it cam cause multi-generational problems and fallings out means that it is especially wrong and in some cases cruel. No one could claim they don't know what the problem is.

Our wills are 40 years old, made before we had children, this thread has reminded me they need to be updated!
If mil made hers 40 years ago then the house price would have been under 100k so it might not have seemed so unequal. I know it's too late now but could you have contested it? I'm assuming there was a good relationship. Another point, did either know the contents of the will in advance?

I have a sister. Our mum remarried when we were early teens. She had another baby. She lost everything after her first divorce and tbh her second husband only married her as he thought she was loaded. And she only married him as she thought HE was loaded. He made our lives a misery and We moved out as soon as we could. They have always hindered us more than helped us and despite us helping them in their business etc to get it established and financially viable they both ended up bankrupt again.

He recently came into an inheritance. The first inheritance he wasted on a giant sports car that he couldn't even drive around town as he couldn't afford the ongoing costs of tires and petrol. He promised the grand kids a big holiday that never materialised. Our little sister got a fortune of them. Me and my sister? Nothing. Now it's three years on and he's just had another, bigger inheritance. Our sister is getting a house deposit, new car.

They are off doing whatever they want which is lovely for them. It grates a Lillie though, he spent the last 20 years desperate for us to help him out and we did. He would tell everybody how we were his kids and he had three daughters. We moved them across the country into council accommodation when they lost everything. We have done everything we can. Our sister takes takes takes and is coming up smelling of roses. We will never get a penny from them and I'm over it now. Fuck 'em. They prioritise her and that's fine.

Best advice op is to get your OH done therapy so he can accept it and move on. It's liberating.

MGMidget

Depending what stage you are at you can get a copy of the will on line. Can’t remember the website but you put in a few details and it costs a small amount £2 or £3 I think

I would ‘disrespect’ a deceased person’s wishes in a heartbeat if I thought their will had been unfair, or in any way shown unreasonable favouritism.

Dh and his siblings have done this - reinstated someone who’d been written out, and added a minor legacy to someone who’d never been in the will at all, but who they thought thoroughly deserved it - and who should really have been remembered in the first place.

Re hassle from charities, the dh of a friend of ours left the house where they’d lived for over 20 years to an animal charity. (There was another house paid for and plenty of cash, and she’d never have stayed in the house anyway - but we still thought it way OTT.).

It can’t be so unusual to do this, because his solicitor had advised leaving the actual house to the charity, not the proceeds of the sale, since otherwise they’d be forever hassling her - why hadn’t it sold yet, why hadn’t it sold for more money… etc.

So the charity were duly informed (dh was the executor) that as per the will, possession of the house would pass to them after a maximum of 3 years.

Not long before this time was up, friend (who’d not only been grieving, but had been extremely busy getting rid of so much stuff, arranging a move, etc.) was dreadfully upset and agitated to receive a letter from the charity saying basically,

‘Oh, by the way, it’d be much easier for us if you could just sell the house and give us the money instead.’

I’m pleased to say that dh sent a stiff reply, telling them in somewhat less colourful language, to fuck right off.