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Original poster

I knew my relationship was over when.........

866 replies

Itwasoverwhen · 22/05/2021 14:25

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

OP posts:
BritishIdiot · 28/05/2021 12:32

@Queenie6655 yes trauma bonding I have read about that and that's what this is. I'm broken tbh.

I'll pm you.

Justkeepleft · 28/05/2021 16:09

user1495955132
It stuck out that you mentioned he would be amicable if you decided to leave. Please get your ducks in a row first. Don't trust he will be ok about letting you walk away so easily. He could easily decide to stop torturing you himself and divide everything up but he doesn't. You cannot trust him. Take care

Redpepper1 · 28/05/2021 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carreterra · 28/05/2021 22:26

@JustJustWhy

To all the posters, did ANY of these awful men ever acknowledge their abhorrent behaviour or show any genuine regret?
@JustJustWhy No, the word sorry was not in his personal vocabulary. The old git (15 years older than me) just said " you have to see it from my point of view". His point of view was that women should all stay at home and " get their dishes done".
Carreterra · 28/05/2021 22:32

P.s He admits he has been a fool, but no "sorry" and I don't expect one.

Queenie6655 · 28/05/2021 22:49

Apology ?
Gosh no
Even as he is up in court soon according to him i lied and it was all my fault
They are usually the sad pathetic victim

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 28/05/2021 23:25

I was 18 and he was my first boyfriend - so had nothing to compare it to.

He would tell me I'm ugly and then say hes 'joking', demand sex every time we met, started arguments going out with my friends ...

...then final straw, he stated a new job and he couldn't see me for 2 weeks. Despite his job being local and him finishing at 4pm everyday. He wanted a reaction and he got one.

I hid my phone so I wouldnt call him again.

Ireallymustgotobed · 28/05/2021 23:34

Mydarlingmyhamburger

Why I stayed and had a child with my second ex. (First ex the final straw was how he behaved to my cat, I could see him doing the same to a child. Daft when I put up with so much abuse from him to that point. Second ex was lovely to the animals. )

It took me years to realise how awful my own childhood was, including sexual abuse. I didn’t go no contact with my own dad until I had my own daughter and couldn’t stand her being in the same room as him. Becoming a mum really made it clear how wrong his (and to a much lesser extent) my mum’s behaviour had been over the years. It is only now I can recognise that both my exes have many similar traits and behaviours to my parents.

I have no plans to go into another relationship as despite being very aware of this now I do not trust myself to recognise and respond appropriately to red flags in a relationship as I have been so conditioned to accepting them.

helpmebeanadult · 29/05/2021 01:06

@BritishIdiot

I'll add mine later when I have more time.

I was with a cold hearted narcissist bastard and suffered for years. I'm recently just put of it and I am struggling.

Can I just ask, how did you heal afterwards? I'm very much a bury my head the sand person but I'm thinking it might help me to write it all down?

Researching and understanding helped me, anonymous online forums, I tried counselling but didn't really find counsellor any good, it was more just focusing on leaving him mentally that helped. It was like breaking free from a bad addiction - little by little my thoughts turned to what was good for me rather than what he thought. I don't think anyone IRL knows the full extent of everything but people know bits. It's also being determined to ignore calls and messages.I also found forgiving myself for not leaving sooner helped. As "me" started coming back, it felt good. You will get there. You will heal - maybe with scars, but you will and you will regain your strength the further in your rear view mirror he is. For a long time there's only been space for him, so it will take a little time to clear that and make space for you.
Swiffly · 30/05/2021 09:03

There are so many harrowing, sad and deeply upsetting stories on here but for some reason this really got me - the sheer selfishness of his behaviour and lack of respect for your efforts to save that money is mind-boggling. I’m glad you saw sense.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/05/2021 17:47

I can see why other posters disagree with you and might feel cross, but I took your comment as trying to send reassurance to those who might still be feeling it was all somehow their fault—or possibly felt it at the time—that it wasn’t them. Not at all. And sometimes that gives people strength, especially when they see poster after poster rise above and survive.

This is how I read lizzie's post, too.

Thinking you are the only one is only a tiny step away from blaming yourself, or thinking that others will blame you.

Mummabear89 · 30/05/2021 18:07

When he failed to provide the support I needed to recover from having bowel surgery. We had discussed exactly what support and care I needed before I had the operation but the day I came home I was left to cook and clean because he was 'helping his dad with his new pub' I ended up prolonging my recovery time and had to have another operation to fix the damage I'd done. Now happily married to the love of my life who has quite happily taken time off work for me to attend hospital appointments etc

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/05/2021 22:21

@Mammyofasuperbaby

Arse not arsenal
I thought you meant that you'd dodged an entire arsenal of bullets, splitting up with him.
pinkpapaya · 31/05/2021 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ellyeth · 31/05/2021 00:43

814 examples of the most appalling behaviour from men. There are some decent ones around but, it seems, not that many.

pinkpapaya · 31/05/2021 00:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrssunshinexxx · 31/05/2021 20:15

Wow @pinkpapaya that is truly awful and yes you did deserve better I hope you have it now x

disconnected101 · 31/05/2021 21:30

When he flirted with other women in front if me and I didn't even care. I thought 'they're welcome to him'.

When it was nearing the end and I thought my sex drive was gone forever. I was 22! I was genuinely worried! It was just because I was so repulsed by him. It returned with a vengeance when I left. I started having fun at last (not just sex) & I felt liberated. He was an insecure, controlling, emotionally stunted old-before-his-time dud who was dragging me down in a big way.

Harmonypuss · 01/06/2021 02:04

When my husband threw.a chair across the lounge at my 8yr old son.

Harmonypuss · 01/06/2021 02:09

I also discovered over a year later that he'd run up massive bills on credit cards after I'd gone but because he wasn't working and I was still legally married to him despite going through the divorce, the bank made me pay it. 23yrs on I'm still having to pay his debts despite the fact that I've not worked for the past 10yrs, the bank won't revert the debt back to him and I still have almost £10k to pay.

Ddot · 01/06/2021 06:11

Harmonypuss
what a Pig!

Ddot · 01/06/2021 06:26

I left with a bin bag and ran to my sister. Months later on the phone trying to sort my share, I asked for cd player we had two, he had given it to his father. His parents had paid for some home repairs for us and demanded half back off me. His mother was listening on the extension, so when I said he would have to ungive the cd player or give the new one to me he flipped. His mother said something and I replied you can buy one with the money you are taking off me! Then she flipped! Total utter nutty family.
Their (monster) son was an abusive lazy selfish man boy with a superiority complex that thought he could treat me like a doormat and did just that for years, so when I left I wore my wedding ring on my toe so I could walk on him

C0nstance · 01/06/2021 07:31

Oh that's so healthy! Getting your mum to listen in on the extension! It reninds me of a bossy ex i had years ago. We parted fairly amicably because i couldnt bear to have sex with him any more and he wanted to move on too, he hadnt told his mother that, so while boxing up my stuff and helping me move it became clear that his family "knew" we were splitting up because i was so inadequate compared to him. His mum trying to be supportive said that it must have been hard for me, feel8ng like an Also-Ran next to David. I was nodding gravely thinking "omg yeh it was hard".
He had elevated himself to such a lofty status that i was an also ran! 😂 he used to read out speeches from a book of classic speeches in a quest to become a good orator. He worked in an insurance company and so did I.

I still laugh to myself about that!

Mrsnippycat · 01/06/2021 08:02

[quote thisisbull]When he said he needed 'space' so I gave him space and found I didn't like who I was with him or who he was. This song gave me a lot of clarity

[/quote] @thisisbull Thank you so much for posting that song. My husband moved out for 'some space' on Friday. He has 'fallen in love' with a woman in Texas who he's met through online chat rooms. Realises they can never be together but doesn't know what he wants. I'm starting to realise what I want. Or, don't want.
Starbonnet123 · 01/06/2021 11:29

Many things broke the camels back , the time he dropped his tea and it was my fault, he shouted at me and grave me the silent treatment . I couldn't go out unless he approved as he wasn't my babysitter, he didn't like my friends, he moved us away from family when I couldn't drive .
I could have a new couch if he got a blow job , he had a savings account and I got £5 a week pocket money when I stayed home with the children , i took in piece work at home to buy the kids shoes and treats for them . I worked 2 jobs just to pay for school trips and lunches .
The last straw was when he was hospitalised for months, I visited every day and twice a day at weekends while holding Down a full time job . I took my son to basic training at the other end of the country he'd told me to use his car and he'd go halves on the petrol ,when I got back I went to the hospital and he called me a cheeky bitch for still having his. Car . When he finally came home after 6months he told me he wanted sex and I said no , his words were " you might as well leave then " so I did that's 11 years on , I'm with a wonderful man now and couldn't be happier and I haven't spoken to him since