I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

He had dirty blinds in his flat and no carpets, but spent 300 quid on a ukelele and told me it was a bad that he felt he couldn't tell me because the ukelele made him happy.

@JustJustWhy I actually received a thorough written apology from my ex several years after we split up.
In fairness to him, he was also young when our relationship happened and it appears he had grown up and in the process of working on his relationship with his mum (which had broken down when she found him kicking me), he had received counselling and his treatment of me had come up.
From the letter he wrote to me, he named specific events and accepted all responsibility for them and apologised for them all.

I was happy to receive the apology but, and this may sound a bit mean, I never responded except to confirm I'd received it. In my view, him apologising was for me - I wasn't going to let him think all was forgiven and forgotten by replying to it.
He feels bad about what he did, and so he should.

I should have known at any of these points
When he sulked on a camping trip until I agreed to have sex - I was 17, it was my first time, cold, damp and co-erced
When he complained I didn't want to go out the evening of the day my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer - I went in the end due to his sulking, he complained I hadn't enjoyed it enough
When I went to visit him at uni and after a 9 hour coach journey he didn't come meet me as he was out with friends
The numerous times he raped me, then the times he told people I had a rape fantasy
When he told me just after my dad died that I wasn't fun anymore
When he cheated on me many many times
When he either bad mouthed all my friends, or told me I was lucky because they all wanted him
When he practiced 'restraint techniques' on me as he was thinking of joining the police - this was primarily twisting my arm up my back or hitting me where bruises couldn't be seen or controlling me so I couldn't move or breathe
When he would shout at me when I did anything 'wrong' till I cried and apologised then he cuddled me and wiped my tears and told me no-one could love me as I was so awful but he was nice enough to stay
When I went to stay with him at his university and he locked the door of his room so I couldn't get out - I had to pee in a pint glass and throw it out the tiny window opening
When I went to visit a friend and she just looked at me and said 'oh my sweet friend what has he done to you?' no visible bruises I think I was just broken
Finally I was living away from him, he called in to visit me and I just didn't want him there, he left and then wrote me a letter outlining all my faults, in it he said I'd obviously had a mental breakdown and I should think carefully about my next move because when I came to my senses and came back for him he might not be available.
I burnt the letter and never looked back - wasted 6 years of my life on him wasn't going to waste a second more
my now DH when we were first going out was completely bewildered when I knocked a glass over and started crying, to him it was just a small spill but I'd been conditioned to react like that - took a long time to get over that....

@Bekstar

I knew it was over when we were sat watching videos and looking at childhood photo albums and upon discussing my selective mutism he says "You were a stubborn child, if that my dad he would have knocked some sense into me, your parents were far too soft with you, they could have made you you talk" and that was it, I couldn't go on to have children with him, knowing their was a chance they could inherit my autism, I had visions immediately of a child with autism who had one of those parents who don't believe in autism and are abusive because of it. He was gone like a shot.

I wish more people did this. I know mn absolutely hates people commenting ‘why on earth did you have kids with him?’ when the horse has already bolted. But it does get me frustrated when the op writes an extensive list of the absolutely vile things her oh has done to her throughout her relationship, and it started long before the kids were born. If your boyfriends an abusive piece of shit when you first get together, chances are he’s going to be an abusive piece of shit father.

@Bekstar sometimes for a whole host of reasons, escape isn’t an option 😔

I knew it was over when he threw my birthday present at me from across the room and it hit me on the side of my head. Then it was my fault for being upset and creating’drama’ as he hadn’t ment it....took me another 6 mths

When we went to a couples councillor and he said to her he’d be upset if I died but he’d get over it in a few days and move on….

@Mydarlingmyhamburger
Umm back in the real world, it’s often not that obvious that he’ll be a shit father. Sincerely hope it never happens to you and wish were all blessed with your clear view of things

I stopped lying to cover for him and told someone how he really was. Only the sheer horror on that person's face made me realise I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship getting rinsed financially for almost 10 years, being constantly compared to someone from his past as if I'm second best. Called it quits and will be moving with my little boy soon. I have realised I'm not a worthless piece of rubbish and am getting positive attention from a decent guy now while my husband is wallowing in total misery for a change👍🏼byeeeee 👋

@sultanasofping oh this bit just made me cry

When I went to visit a friend and she just looked at me and said 'oh my sweet friend what has he done to you?' no visible bruises I think I was just broken

I'm so glad you, and all the other posters, have got away from these awful awful men

Mine was my first bf when I was 17. It was an awful relationship, just so much arguing, but thankfully short lived. The final one was when he told me I wouldn't make it home, meaning he was going to kill me. I just walked home, very fast, and didn't look back.

With 1st XP (I was 19-22), it should have been when:
-he screamed profanities at me....because I'd shaved my legs.
-when he would give me the silent treatment (or worse) if I'd somehow done something wrong that he didn't like (NB he'd change the goalposts for what was/wasn't acceptable, so I needed to be on the ball for this).
-when he made me feel like worthless/accused me of being unfaithful (something I've never done) for having male friends. OR indeed any friends that he didn't approve of.
-when he'd cut me down to size when I did well at uni/my job/whatever....but equally if I didn't try hard, I'd be stupid worthless etc.
-when he tried to stop me seeing my family.
-when he told me that no one would love me like he did. Because I'm fat, worthless, stupid etc.
-when he'd insult me in front of his friends (they'd often step in and say something....some of them).

I developed a stammer because of his abuse. I don't know what it was that made the scales fall from my eyes, but one day I woke up and had had enough. I think I figured that whatever I did wouldn't be right. So I got the hell out of there. I think he wanted someone who was academically good, outgoing, confident etc (I was like that before we dated....so was his ex before me)....but because he wasn't successful/confident etc (always someone else's fault, not his), he'd wear us down until he got us where he wanted us....but then he'd berate us for not being like we were before he dated us.

With XH, I should have left when:
-he started going AWOL due to drinking (and I found out later drugs).
-when the verbal abuse first started.
-when the lies first started.
-when I got knocked about (this was just the one time)
-when I started feeling scared about going to sleep/going to work etc and be scared about what would set him off this time around.

Straw that almost broke the camels back was him disappearing off on one Xmas Eve (to get drunk/high), me trying to look for him and then me finding out from neighbours (who were helping to look for him) that he'd been drinking (and taking God knows what) and then driving to pick up the kids. I stopped him having the kids unsupervised straight away and stupidly even then(!) said that if he could get clean/sober, we had a chance. What finally did it was me realising he was continuing to drink/do drugs/lie about it because he DIDN'T WANT to quit doing that shit.....oh and the fact he'd been fucking a "friend" behind my back (whilst promising he was clean/sober and wanting to work on things). They both did me a favour but I wish so much that I called time on it years before.

The above stuff is now why I normally say to people to get ducks in row/run like fuck if partners have alcohol/drug problems.....or are abusive.

He pushed me so hard I hit the roof of the car, police man saw and came over. Realised we were married and walked away without a word. When I finally left I lived with my sister, I went to council to ask for a flat but was informed that I'd made myself homeless so I wouldnt even get on the list. I didn't earn enough to rent private. I went to the bank and managed to get a mortgage and bought a flat. I worked two jobs, missed meals, walked to work, I was free that's all that mattered

I posted on AIBU about what I thought was a fairly minor issue I'd had with my DH. Lots of lovely women helped me and the floodgates flew open and all those small drops had built up behind them to a tidal wave.

Was 17 he was 25. I somehow ended up moving in with him. He borrowed money. I paid for everything. He didn't work I did .
He lied. I never saw it. Said he was in the army. Yeah right.
The lightbulb moment was when I found him in bed with a 14 yr old.
I walked out and phoned the police.
He did 2 years
Why it took that I really don't know. There was so much more that I was blind to that now I think wtf

@drinkingwineoutofamug

Well done for reporting.

Financial abuse seems to be a common denominator...

@JustJustWhy not in my case. I actually asked him once if I was so bad, such a terrible person why he didn't just leave. I was fully expecting him to come out with some shit about the kids. But, he looked at me with his twisted smirk and said 'this is much more fun'.
Not so much fun now though is it? Now the vile alcoholic sits at home, alone rotting in his own filth, he's actually started to abuse his family members to the point where they have little to do with him.
My best revenge was walking away, when he never ever thought I would. Haven't spoken a word to the fucker in three years. He tries. Gets grey rocked. He knows nothing about me or my life. Drives that jealous nasty fucker crazy. And yes I will dance on his grave. In fact I'll throw a 10,000 strong rave up.

@Kayz27

My last comment, that’s highlighted in purple for some reason was meant as tongue in cheek, I would never hurt anyone. I don’t think I will make comments on here anymore, they don’t seem to go where they should and are taken the wrong way.

@Kayz27, only you can see your posts highlighted in a different colour, to others they look normal and their posts are a different colour to them.

When you look at a thread it should be all the OPs posts are in one colour, your posts are in another colour, if MNHQ post their posts show up in blue and everyone else is plain.

Keep posting and you’ll soon sort things out and if you’re having problems with posting then start a thread in Chat and ask what you should be doing and I’m sure someone will help you.

@Healthywealthy it was a major trigger as well from when I was sexually assaulted aged 14. I never got justice.
I saw him (the ex) many years later in my home town. I walked straight past him while he glared at me.

My heart goes out to the posters on this thread. ❤️

The other night. When after 6 months of marriage counselling, 3 years of agreeing to give him another chance (he has a habit of threatening divorce and or walking out at the slightest sign of an argument)- he stonewalled me for 2 days and hissed at me that I was a “fucking psycho” before storming off to sleep on the couch, another signature move. For me it just finally flicked the switch. I’m currently getting ducks in a row.

Redlorryellow
Be safe, keep it secret till you can get out. I'm sending a hug

So many of these stories are heartbreaking :-(. It's making me doubt myself a bit as I'm in the process of ending my 13 year marriage. My DH is not a bad man, but over the years lots of little things have happened to make me fall out of love with him and lose a lot of respect, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. He had an affair with a woman in his office when DD was 2. I blamed myself for that as I'd suffered from PND and we hadn't had sex since she was born, but also the closeness and intimacy was gone (I asked him for a cuddle when the baby blues kicked in when DD was 3 days old, and he told me no, and that because I'd asked it was too contrived!!). I kicked him out after the affair and we remained separated for nearly 8 years, although still had a good, friendly relationship and he saw lots of DD and we even went on family holidays together. Although one year we were camping when DD was 5 or 6, she wet the bed, so soaked her sleeping bag and air bed. It was 3am and freezing cold and he lay tucked up in his sleeping bag laughing at how cosy he was as I tried to get her changed into dry PJ's and rearrange whatever dry bedding and clothing I could find so that DD could sleep in my sleeping bag and I had something warm to put over me. We eventually decided to give it another go 2 years ago and moved to a new house, new area for a fresh start. I knew our sex life wouldn't come back instantly as I wanted us to grow close again, spend more quality time together and rekindle the flame. After living back together again for 5 months I found out he was having another affair (with a lady he'd been seeing during our 8 years apart, so he hadn't actually broken it off with her when we began our "fresh start". I'm feeling so trapped though because he's actually a nice guy, apart from being a useless husband and extremely weak! I know I couldn't rely on him in a crisis. Reading some of these stories though I know I'm lucky because he's not abusive or spiteful and he's gutted at the thought of us divorcing. And I'm confused because I'm blaming myself again for his affairs as we haven't been having sex, and I know if I talk to anybody IRL about it they'll probably ask me what did I expect, he's a man after all with needs. The worst thing is he knows I suffered abuse when I was a child and was raped at 16 so I've always had an unhealthy relationship with sex. When I confessed the above to him one night his first response was to try and snog me, and then he's never mentioned it ever again or tried talking to me about it and working through it with me.

@user1495955132

So many of these stories are heartbreaking :-(. It's making me doubt myself a bit as I'm in the process of ending my 13 year marriage. My DH is not a bad man, but over the years lots of little things have happened to make me fall out of love with him and lose a lot of respect, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. He had an affair with a woman in his office when DD was 2. I blamed myself for that as I'd suffered from PND and we hadn't had sex since she was born, but also the closeness and intimacy was gone (I asked him for a cuddle when the baby blues kicked in when DD was 3 days old, and he told me no, and that because I'd asked it was too contrived!!). I kicked him out after the affair and we remained separated for nearly 8 years, although still had a good, friendly relationship and he saw lots of DD and we even went on family holidays together. Although one year we were camping when DD was 5 or 6, she wet the bed, so soaked her sleeping bag and air bed. It was 3am and freezing cold and he lay tucked up in his sleeping bag laughing at how cosy he was as I tried to get her changed into dry PJ's and rearrange whatever dry bedding and clothing I could find so that DD could sleep in my sleeping bag and I had something warm to put over me. We eventually decided to give it another go 2 years ago and moved to a new house, new area for a fresh start. I knew our sex life wouldn't come back instantly as I wanted us to grow close again, spend more quality time together and rekindle the flame. After living back together again for 5 months I found out he was having another affair (with a lady he'd been seeing during our 8 years apart, so he hadn't actually broken it off with her when we began our "fresh start". I'm feeling so trapped though because he's actually a nice guy, apart from being a useless husband and extremely weak! I know I couldn't rely on him in a crisis. Reading some of these stories though I know I'm lucky because he's not abusive or spiteful and he's gutted at the thought of us divorcing. And I'm confused because I'm blaming myself again for his affairs as we haven't been having sex, and I know if I talk to anybody IRL about it they'll probably ask me what did I expect, he's a man after all with needs. The worst thing is he knows I suffered abuse when I was a child and was raped at 16 so I've always had an unhealthy relationship with sex. When I confessed the above to him one night his first response was to try and snog me, and then he's never mentioned it ever again or tried talking to me about it and working through it with me.

Sorry but he is NOT a nice guy

He IS spiteful and abusive

User1485
He sounds devious and has no respect for you he is a spoiled tit,

@Lowasitgets

When I was was sat in the corner of the kitchen eating my food with the dog while the rest of the family were sat at the dining room table. I still don't have what it takes to actually leave.

Sending you big hugs. Is there nowhere you can go?

Lowasitgets
squirrel a little money away, if he finds say u were saving for a gift for him. When he is out (for a while) get out, just pack your essentials and run.
Its hard but you know it's right. If you have to, get the train to a different town, city and get help