I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

@user1495955132

So many of these stories are heartbreaking :-(. It's making me doubt myself a bit as I'm in the process of ending my 13 year marriage. My DH is not a bad man, but over the years lots of little things have happened to make me fall out of love with him and lose a lot of respect, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. He had an affair with a woman in his office when DD was 2. I blamed myself for that as I'd suffered from PND and we hadn't had sex since she was born, but also the closeness and intimacy was gone (I asked him for a cuddle when the baby blues kicked in when DD was 3 days old, and he told me no, and that because I'd asked it was too contrived!!). I kicked him out after the affair and we remained separated for nearly 8 years, although still had a good, friendly relationship and he saw lots of DD and we even went on family holidays together. Although one year we were camping when DD was 5 or 6, she wet the bed, so soaked her sleeping bag and air bed. It was 3am and freezing cold and he lay tucked up in his sleeping bag laughing at how cosy he was as I tried to get her changed into dry PJ's and rearrange whatever dry bedding and clothing I could find so that DD could sleep in my sleeping bag and I had something warm to put over me. We eventually decided to give it another go 2 years ago and moved to a new house, new area for a fresh start. I knew our sex life wouldn't come back instantly as I wanted us to grow close again, spend more quality time together and rekindle the flame. After living back together again for 5 months I found out he was having another affair (with a lady he'd been seeing during our 8 years apart, so he hadn't actually broken it off with her when we began our "fresh start". I'm feeling so trapped though because he's actually a nice guy, apart from being a useless husband and extremely weak! I know I couldn't rely on him in a crisis. Reading some of these stories though I know I'm lucky because he's not abusive or spiteful and he's gutted at the thought of us divorcing. And I'm confused because I'm blaming myself again for his affairs as we haven't been having sex, and I know if I talk to anybody IRL about it they'll probably ask me what did I expect, he's a man after all with needs. The worst thing is he knows I suffered abuse when I was a child and was raped at 16 so I've always had an unhealthy relationship with sex. When I confessed the above to him one night his first response was to try and snog me, and then he's never mentioned it ever again or tried talking to me about it and working through it with me.

Please stop deluding yourself, a “nice guy” wouldn’t laugh at his own child like that!!

Get your ducks in a row and get the hell away from him, he has no respect for you whatsoever

Please leave @user1495955132. He is horrible.

This is for the lady who said her husband was a good one and got slated. Good for you!
it's nice to know that their are good men out there. Alot of woman have said after such horror they found love again with a good one. Nice to know x

@user1495955132 Oh no please don't say that!

What about this thread is making you doubt yourself? That your situation is not "bad enough" to leave? Is it JUST because he's not throwing piss on you or strangling you or stealing your life savings?

Love, just because there is worse out there does NOT mean that your situation isn't "bad enough"!

As a wise MNer once said "don't stay with a 7/10 wanker just because there are 10/10 wankers out there!" Though I'd say yours is at least a 9!

He's NOT a nice guy, and I highly suspect he's NOT gutted at the thought of divorcing... and if he is, it's for only selfish and shallow reasons.

Also, I think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who would actually excuse multiple affairs with "oh, well, you know, he has a man's needs" given your situation. If somebody did say that, then they're an arsehole too.

He openly laughs at your hardship, he has zero empathy for your traumatic past, and he fucks other women. What on earth is there to stay for? He doesn't deserve your pity or empathy, and you don't owe him anything.

Please go.

@user1495955132 sorry you've got to deal with him. He's not a nice guy. At all. You know that. You and your DC deserve better.

@user1495955132 he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He sounds absolutely disgusting and a complete c**t.

@bibliomania

She was about 12 months old and she knew to freeze.

This is chilling. Absolutely chilling.

I'm so glad you left this man - you and your tiny baby deserve so much better than this.

My gosh to all the brave brave women on here
I salute you

I tried to flees 25 times

It was so hard

To the PP who said about having kids when there are red flags

• he pushed me to get pregnant

When I tried to leave he upped his abuse and the need for us to have a baby

She is the greatest gift in the world and please god we never have to see the scum ever again

@user1495955132
Love, you DO NOT need to be battered and broken to need to end a relationship.
The sex (or lack of) is a bit of a red herring, he is not kind, caring, loving, or a good partner or father.
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone else.
You can leave! You have the absolute right to leave, and make the life you want, and be happy, without him. You aren't responsible for him - not his health, his wellbeing, nothing.
We're here to support you when you need it - it's often easier to talk to strangers, anonymously, than it is to talk to people close to us. For example, my family have no idea what my ex did.

Not me but DH - his ex wife was abusive towards him for 26 years and his kids all learned this from her. They all order him around, call him names and swear at him etc. She took his salary every month using a joint AcC but her wages went into an Acc in her own name, if he spent any money on himself she would harangue and abuse him, he didn’t even know what she got paid until they split.
When we first got together he would flinch and sometimes become tearful if he dropped something or broke something as he’d be expecting me to go mad and shout/scream.
When we first moved in together, a few days in he had a long day at work and came back and I was cooking dinner, he cried because this had never happened in 26 years of marriage, he was expected to work FT and do all the cleaning, cooking etc.

Gensola
That's heart breaking, his children behaving like their mother. I hope one day that his kids see that is unacceptable. I hope the cycle stops and they dont behave the same way with a partner but I doubt it.

@Ddot the saddest thing is that they don’t realise what they are doing, it’s so internalised. They email him with foul abuse then call and ask for £750 for flat deposit and just say “I need it tomorrow” and don’t thank him for anything. It’s like they grew up seeing him as a dogsbody and they can’t see him as a human.

Gensola...get him to divorce his kids...if its not a thing it should be ...he can love who.they were once not who they are now .

@Kt12x

When he had hurt the children so many times ss were involved and then I found a dating app on his phone that he left open on the side and that explained him going out all the time all of a sudden! Also he would with hold money from me and kids but yet spend on himself, while everything I Earn went on the bills!!!

Best thing I ever did, despite ending up homeless for 8 weeks with 3 kids and the fact that he is now 18 month later dragging us through the courts!!! But am so glad I did it me and kids 100% happier xx

Why did you stay after he hurt the kids the first time?

[quote PomBearWithoutHerOFRS]@user1495955132
Love, you DO NOT need to be battered and broken to need to end a relationship.
The sex (or lack of) is a bit of a red herring, he is not kind, caring, loving, or a good partner or father.
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone else.
You can leave! You have the absolute right to leave, and make the life you want, and be happy, without him. You aren't responsible for him - not his health, his wellbeing, nothing.
We're here to support you when you need it - it's often easier to talk to strangers, anonymously, than it is to talk to people close to us. For example, my family have no idea what my ex did.[/quote]
Thank you, your kind words really help. With regards the lack of sex and his latest affair, he's actually managed to convince me that he was doing it in my best interests as he knew I wasn't comfortable with sex so at least he wasn't pestering or putting pressure on me. He actually told the woman in question that as soon as I started having sex with him he would stop having sex with her - like he was doing me some kind of favour! The sad thing is I think he genuinely thinks he was doing the right thing and worst of all, I believe him and can see his logic! How messed up is that! As a PP above said, if I put myself in the position where a friend was telling me this story, I'd tell her to head for the hills and not look back! The sad thing is, I've known about his affair for almost 2 years, but only told him I knew about a month ago. In all that time he's never once questioned me or asked why I'm still being distant with him, or made any effort to reignite the spark, so God knows how or when he thought we'd suddenly start having sex again!

[quote awesomum]**@user1495955132* he doesn't sound like a nice guy at all. He sounds absolutely disgusting and a complete c*t. [/quote]
LOL, I think you might be right, and I'm slowing realising it. Thank you. x

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]**@user1495955132* sorry you've got to deal with him. He's not* a nice guy. At all. You know that. You and your DC deserve better. [/quote]
Thank you, you're right, I do know that now. I know there'll never be a right time to leave (and he has said he will give me what I want and won't make it difficult for me) but I want to make sure I get it right to do the least damage to my DC.

@SunshineCake

Please leave *@user1495955132*. He is horrible.

You're right, of course. Am definitely going to leave, just need to find the strength. I wouldn't think twice if it wasn't for the DC.

[quote JWrecks]@user1495955132 Oh no please don't say that!

What about this thread is making you doubt yourself? That your situation is not "bad enough" to leave? Is it JUST because he's not throwing piss on you or strangling you or stealing your life savings?

Love, just because there is worse out there does NOT mean that your situation isn't "bad enough"!

As a wise MNer once said "don't stay with a 7/10 wanker just because there are 10/10 wankers out there!" Though I'd say yours is at least a 9!

He's NOT a nice guy, and I highly suspect he's NOT gutted at the thought of divorcing... and if he is, it's for only selfish and shallow reasons.

Also, I think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody who would actually excuse multiple affairs with "oh, well, you know, he has a man's needs" given your situation. If somebody did say that, then they're an arsehole too.

He openly laughs at your hardship, he has zero empathy for your traumatic past, and he fucks other women. What on earth is there to stay for? He doesn't deserve your pity or empathy, and you don't owe him anything.

Please go.[/quote]
Thank you, you're absolutely right. I know it deep down. I think it's just the thought of disrupting my DD's life again as she adores him. I'm kicking myself that I moved to this new house for a fresh start - if I'd stayed where I was for the 8 years we were separated and divorced him then we'd have been fine. I know kids are resilient but she's already at a difficult, hormonal age! Although one evening a month or so ago she caught him sending a photo to the OW (nothing rude, thank goodness, just a photo of him sitting on the sofa, but next to us, during a family movie night!!). I don't think she completely understood what it was about but it was enough to send her to the bathroom crying. I know I need to make a move now so she knows that's not right as I'd hate her to grow up and into a relationship where I've shown her that sort of thing is acceptable. But I also don't want her to think that because she told me about the photo afterwards when we were on our own that it is somehow her fault that me and her dad divorced. I'm ready to leave though, it's just a case of doing it in the healthiest way possible. x

JustLyra
I heard about a woman who sprinkled grass seed on his carpet and watered it, when he came home from holiday he had a front room lawn

Gensola
Cut them off financially, sometimes that's the only thing that will get through to them

@SchadenfreudePersonified I'm glad to report that the baby who froze in the face of her father's anger is now a young teen who was able to say to her father's face that she would only continue the relationship with him if he started treating her well. He wasn't able to, and she stopped seeing him. She's fabulous.

[quote bibliomania]@SchadenfreudePersonified I'm glad to report that the baby who froze in the face of her father's anger is now a young teen who was able to say to her father's face that she would only continue the relationship with him if he started treating her well. He wasn't able to, and she stopped seeing him. She's fabulous.[/quote]
Well done to you for raising such a fabulous daughter.

When he stole my sons money and said he was 'borrowing' it and proceeded to tell me it isn't stealing if he is paying it back. It wasn't his to take. No one saw it as theft apart from me and thought I was being over dramatic.

It wasn't loads of money but a couple of hundred.

Then proceeded to turn it around on me again saying I knew he was borrowing it... I didn't.

If he needed it he could've asked me. He didn't. He put his fat grabby hands in my sons money.

Steal from me and of course I'll be pissed off and would still leave but I'd get over it quick let. Steal from my son and that is unforgivable.