I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

I have just read this full thread and cannot believe the cruel, abusive atrocities that you have all gone through - and your children. I hope you are all so much happier in your new lives.

Thanks Puffa!

So many sad stories here, and lots of bravery too. The utmost respect to everyone for dealing with it and leaving where possible.

The thing I find chilling is that so much of the abuse starts or gets worse when women are vulnerable - pregnancy, post-birth or during illness.

Yes and the women seem to be taken advantage of even more when they’re caring for someone else other than the abuser...

@user1495955132

So many of these stories are heartbreaking :-(. It's making me doubt myself a bit as I'm in the process of ending my 13 year marriage. My DH is not a bad man, but over the years lots of little things have happened to make me fall out of love with him and lose a lot of respect, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. He had an affair with a woman in his office when DD was 2. I blamed myself for that as I'd suffered from PND and we hadn't had sex since she was born, but also the closeness and intimacy was gone (I asked him for a cuddle when the baby blues kicked in when DD was 3 days old, and he told me no, and that because I'd asked it was too contrived!!). I kicked him out after the affair and we remained separated for nearly 8 years, although still had a good, friendly relationship and he saw lots of DD and we even went on family holidays together. Although one year we were camping when DD was 5 or 6, she wet the bed, so soaked her sleeping bag and air bed. It was 3am and freezing cold and he lay tucked up in his sleeping bag laughing at how cosy he was as I tried to get her changed into dry PJ's and rearrange whatever dry bedding and clothing I could find so that DD could sleep in my sleeping bag and I had something warm to put over me. We eventually decided to give it another go 2 years ago and moved to a new house, new area for a fresh start. I knew our sex life wouldn't come back instantly as I wanted us to grow close again, spend more quality time together and rekindle the flame. After living back together again for 5 months I found out he was having another affair (with a lady he'd been seeing during our 8 years apart, so he hadn't actually broken it off with her when we began our "fresh start". I'm feeling so trapped though because he's actually a nice guy, apart from being a useless husband and extremely weak! I know I couldn't rely on him in a crisis. Reading some of these stories though I know I'm lucky because he's not abusive or spiteful and he's gutted at the thought of us divorcing. And I'm confused because I'm blaming myself again for his affairs as we haven't been having sex, and I know if I talk to anybody IRL about it they'll probably ask me what did I expect, he's a man after all with needs. The worst thing is he knows I suffered abuse when I was a child and was raped at 16 so I've always had an unhealthy relationship with sex. When I confessed the above to him one night his first response was to try and snog me, and then he's never mentioned it ever again or tried talking to me about it and working through it with me.

He really is not a nice guy. He has affairs, does not take care of you and the behaviour towards you and your daughter on the camping trip is despicable.

[quote Healthywealthy]@drinkingwineoutofamug

Well done for reporting.

Financial abuse seems to be a common denominator...[/quote]
I was going to say the same. In fact a lot of similar behaviours here

When I was 16 I had a 19 year old boyfriend. He had a job and his own house and car. He was also still in contact with his ex and she actually turned up at the house once or twice while I was there, swanning in like she still owned the place. With the benefit of hindsight, obviously still emotionally attached.

He used to like me to dress a certain way and encouraged me to wear revealing clothes and high heels for him. He would visit his family and leave me sitting in his car in the middle of a rough housing estate. He wanted me to give up my A levels and move in with him and ‘look after him’. Boak.

He was emotionally abusive and tried to gaslight me into believing all sorts of things. It took my mum phoning him to tell him he needed help to make him leave me alone. I was only 16 and had absolutely no idea.

@Gensola

Not me but DH - his ex wife was abusive towards him for 26 years and his kids all learned this from her. They all order him around, call him names and swear at him etc. She took his salary every month using a joint AcC but her wages went into an Acc in her own name, if he spent any money on himself she would harangue and abuse him, he didn’t even know what she got paid until they split. When we first got together he would flinch and sometimes become tearful if he dropped something or broke something as he’d be expecting me to go mad and shout/scream. When we first moved in together, a few days in he had a long day at work and came back and I was cooking dinner, he cried because this had never happened in 26 years of marriage, he was expected to work FT and do all the cleaning, cooking etc.

My DH was also controlled by his ex wife. He also did all the cooking and cleaning and had a small allowance. If he wanted to buy anything beyond that, he had to ask her. The answer would often be no. In the early days of our relationship, he would ask if he could touch me. Even when were were having sex, he would ask “can I touch your breast”? etc. Whenever I gave him a compliment, he would look at me warily waiting for the nasty punch line. It made me very sad for him. It gradually got better!

[quote bibliomania]@SchadenfreudePersonified I'm glad to report that the baby who froze in the face of her father's anger is now a young teen who was able to say to her father's face that she would only continue the relationship with him if he started treating her well. He wasn't able to, and she stopped seeing him. She's fabulous.[/quote]
This brings tears to my eyes. You and your daughter rock and deserve every happiness. She sounds like she is going to be just fine ❤️

@AnnieSnap ❤️ Sounds really familiar. My DH is like a different person now, so much happier and more confident but it took about two years for him to even start shaking off the old expectations of being humiliated and controlled.

[quote Gensola]@AnnieSnap ❤️ Sounds really familiar. My DH is like a different person now, so much happier and more confident but it took about two years for him to even start shaking off the old expectations of being humiliated and controlled.[/quote]
Same! I have also known men who are subjected to regular violence from their wives. No doubt there are many times more female victims of coercive control and domestic violence, but there are plenty of men out there suffering too. 😞

@helpmebeanadult
"If someone cares about you, they behave in a way that shows it. If it's not good most of the time, what's the point?"
Well said !! Yes we over analyse, thinking what we could have done better, when in reality we have given relationships our best efforts, and they still stop working. If your relationship is making you miserable, it's time to go your separate ways.

17:42selflove

He was drunk and angry, like he always was when he was drunk. I was pregnant and at home with our 2&3 year olds when he came back from a 48 hour bender, and he was angry that I hadn't tried to ring him to find out where he was. By that point, I didn't care where he was. I wished him dead. He pushed me down to the floor and started pissing on me. He forced my mouth open and pissed in my mouth. I left the next day. Gave birth alone, have been a single parent now for 3 years, and have never been happier.

My God what an absolute c**t. I'm glad you're happy now x

@Carreterra I overanalysed it to death. The irony is I'd have taken any measly explanation for the behaviour to avoid admitting to myself properly that it was horrendously abusive. I didn't even get that and obviously abusive relationships don't happen to people like me(!). It's like living in a parallel universe where being kind is punished, where you're told things haven't happened that you know have, where the fallout from raising an issue becomes worse than the issue itself, walking on eggshells, humiliation etc. It starts from nowhere and leaves you reeling. I still don't really understand why I put up with it so long, but I did and now I don't have to.

@user1495955132 - I'm pleased to see that you are realising that your H is NOT a nice man at all. He has little to no respect for you and is totally fucking selfish.
He might not hit you or verbally abuse you but there's a massive leap between not being a vicious bastard and being an actually nice guy - and your H is nowhere near the nice guy end.

Mine thinks he's a nice bloke too. He's not. He's also selfish but he's not abusive and he's not as bad as how you've described yours - he also has not been unfaithful or emotionally distant. Mine would love it if I called him a nice bloke, but I never will - he's a decent man with a good work ethic, but he's still basically a selfish man too. He's good enough with me and the DSs though - not leave-worthy - but unless things change radically he'll never be "nice".
A lot of the problem, I feel, is that many people only see the poles of "nasty" or "nice", and if they're not nasty, they must be nice - this is hugely inaccurate, as I said, there's a massive leap between nasty and nice.

I hope you do leave yours again. There's really no hope of you "rekindling" anything while he's putting his own selfish wants (Needs, ha!) ahead of you and your feelings. Best to get him out of your home so you have a chance to find real love with someone who actually cares about YOU.

Thumbwithchesabroad said this : -
"Mine thinks he's a nice bloke too. He's not. He's also selfish but he's not abusive and he's not as bad as how you've described yours - he also has not been unfaithful or emotionally distant. Mine would love it if I called him a nice bloke, but I never will - he's a decent man with a good work ethic, but he's still basically a selfish man too. He's good enough with me and the DSs though - not leave-worthy - but unless things change radically he'll never be "nice"."

and it is so, so true! And we are conditioned to believe that ANY man/partner is better than being single, that "putting up with" and "for the sake of the children" is just what we should do. WHY would anyone choose to be alone?
Sometimes, alone is better! Single is better! Peace and safety and living rather than surviving is better!
But until society accepts this, people will stay in miserable and abusive relationships they don't want.
Why does "what will the neighbours think?" matter so damn much?
I don't have an answer, I just think it's tragic. So many people, from victims of so called honour killings, right through to someone in their 70a feeling only relief at widowhood, should be able to have so much more than they do...
(Sorry, got a tad philosophical there, tis late-early and I am pondering through the bottom of a wine glass!)

I'd been thinking about it for a while due to his lack of commitment to the relationship, despite us already having two DC.

The last straw was when I spent 3 days having a miscarriage of what was to be DC3, attended 7 hospital appointments over the course of 2 weeks on my own, including a D&C under general anaesthetic, and he never even offered me so much as a cup of tea, or asked how I was!

We'd not been getting on well, so he'd suggested out of nowhere that we should "suspend hostilities" and he'd take me to the D&C operation. When I refused, he was angry because it would make him look bad when other people found out

The scales well and truly fell from my eyes, and I'll be back at my parents within the next few weeks. I cannot wait to get away from this selfish selfish man who cares for no-one but himself.

Starseeking

I had one of them. Life is so much easier without them. I hope life is better for you now.

Thanks coodawoodashooda.

This all happened in the last couple of months, so is still very fresh and in the final stages of selling the house (fingers crossed for completion in 3 weeks).

I'm so looking forward to it being just me and the DC, and not having to pander to someone who thinks he's man of the year if he washes a plate once in a week or takes the DC to the park once in a year!

Thanks for the good wishes, BigMove.

user, the question isn't whether your H is the worst on the list of abusers described on here, because who wants to win that competition? The question is whether he makes your life better. From an outside perspective, that doesn't sound like the case.

I wasn't on mn when I was with exH, but I was posting on a US-based site. I wrote about one thing he did, and someone replied with DTMFA - dump the motherfucker already. I got other earnest, thoughtful, detailed responses, but that was the one that stuck with me and put a spring in my step, because it made it seem so obvious. And not longer after, I did it.

I left an abusive husband and ended up with a crap boyfriend. One thing he said to me I will never forget the crushing hurt I felt deep inside. He took me to hospital as nobody else was available 😖 and I wasn't up to driving. in the car park we couldnt find where to go (I needed to get a long line removed as my chemotherapy bottle was empty, I was having home treatment. His words, WHAT A WASTE OF A DAY OFF.

@bibliomania

Thanks for the good wishes, BigMove.

user, the question isn't whether your H is the worst on the list of abusers described on here, because who wants to win that competition? The question is whether he makes your life better. From an outside perspective, that doesn't sound like the case.

I wasn't on mn when I was with exH, but I was posting on a US-based site. I wrote about one thing he did, and someone replied with DTMFA - dump the motherfucker already. I got other earnest, thoughtful, detailed responses, but that was the one that stuck with me and put a spring in my step, because it made it seem so obvious. And not longer after, I did it.

Yes !!!

I was so beaten down

I had no idea what was real what was going on

When I posted what he did to me the ladies on here were so open and brutally honest

They spelt it out to me like no one else did xxx

I'll add mine later when I have more time.

I was with a cold hearted narcissist bastard and suffered for years. I'm recently just put of it and I am struggling.

Can I just ask, how did you heal afterwards? I'm very much a bury my head the sand person but I'm thinking it might help me to write it all down?

A good therapist/counsellor is likely to help BritishIdiot. As soon as I'm fully out of my situation, I'm going to book myself an appointment, then a series of sessions. I don't want to end up in this kind of relationship ever again.

The irony for me is that he had agreed for us to go together for joint counselling, then once I'd arranged it all, refused to turn up as "he didn't want anyone poking around in his head to tell him he is mad" - ha!

@BritishIdiot

I'll add mine later when I have more time.

I was with a cold hearted narcissist bastard and suffered for years. I'm recently just put of it and I am struggling.

Can I just ask, how did you heal afterwards? I'm very much a bury my head the sand person but I'm thinking it might help me to write it all down?

Yes indeed professional support helps

Speak to gp
Counsellor
There is a fab lady online if you want a recommendation (pm me)
Stay strong
It gets so much easier

Trauma can do strange things to us

I remember the sadness I felt for him
And the guilt that he was alone
Even though he tried to kill me

Trauma bonding i think it was 😳😳😳😳😧