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Original poster

Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

302 replies

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:20

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

OP posts:

Purrsuation · 18/05/2021 12:26

I don't think they're worth worrying about if they don't have the common courtesy to say hello back.

Just hold your head up high and be as nice as ever

Rootsmanouvre · 18/05/2021 12:30

Do they ignore you when you say hi or is it just their facial expressions you don’t like?

CadburyCake · 18/05/2021 12:31

Here, due to covid, you literally walk your child up to the main gate, say bye and leave. Takes a few seconds. Hanging around, talking etc is not encouraged as there’s just not the space. I don’t need “coping mechanisms”, it’s literally walking to a gate and back. So I advise just dropping off and not making it an “event”. Find your friends elsewhere and make school drop off the social equivalent of visiting the bank or queuing at the dentist.

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TwoAndAnOnion · 18/05/2021 12:32

You just say 'good morning' and keep walking by. It's not compulsory to interact at the school gates. Best avoided in my experience. Back in my day, old gimmer alert, working mothers were so frowned upon, things always go full circle.

I remember the deputy head, at the welcoming speech saying 'these people will become your lifelong friends and me thinking, 'not in this lifetime' . These are just a collection of people with whom you have one thing in common - the school gate - in the same way, people on a train are a collection of people you travel with; people in a supermarket are people you shop with. There is no other common factor. Don't over think it.

Original poster

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:38

Appreciate the replies, they just don't bother acknowledging me even though we all live in the same neighbourhood, I am a sahm but DH has a very good job hence how we afforded to buy here... No they don't say hi, just a nod at most & continue chatting amongst themselves... I hate how it makes me feel, I'm questioning everything I every did, said, wore & it's wearing me down...
I guess I'll just always try to appear busy & hold my head high & be grateful the dc are happy

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 12:41

Have you just moved into the neighbourhood? It seems odd that they're being "snobby" about someone who is on the same social level, so to speak.
Maybe they're just a tightly established group? No excuse for being unfriendly, mind.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 12:43

I think maybe you need to stop focusing on these women. It’s likely they just see you as a stranger, which you are, and don’t give you any thought. I don’t mean this rudely just simply you’re a stranger to them.

Have you got another way to make friends and meet people? I think that’s the issue, you’re desperate to be included by women who don’t know you and who don’t really understand that.

DarlingWithoutYou · 18/05/2021 12:44

How old are your DC? If there's any parents of kids yours are friends with, just go over and say hi and ask if they fancy a playdate one day.

Original poster

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:45

No we're here 9 years but the dc only started school a couple of years ago... It's really weighing me down, I feel so out of place... welling up here again:(

OP posts:

SuperMonkeys · 18/05/2021 12:45

Why on earth would they be snobby towards you? What sets you apart?

FlorenceWintle · 18/05/2021 12:47

If they’re already chatting though, they’re not necessarily going to break off to come and speak to you. You need to get one of them on their own.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 12:48

Op do you have any friends ? I mean that gently.

Beamur · 18/05/2021 12:49

I think these groups are often unintentionally cliquey. It's just a bunch of parents who know each other and gravitate together for a chat. Kids are probably friends.
Get to know a few friendlier parents, help out with an event or two and hopefully the perceived snobbyness will go.
If not, just do you own thing and ignore them. It's not worth letting it get to you.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 12:50

@Jerseyshore12

No we're here 9 years but the dc only started school a couple of years ago... It's really weighing me down, I feel so out of place... welling up here again:(

So are any of their children friendly with yours? Don't your kids have play dates?

Tickledtrout · 18/05/2021 12:50

Oh OP playground cliques are notorious, especially in "aspirational" areas. Fear of social failure and superficiality.
You won't be the only one excluded. Can you focus on the other parents that nobody talks to? Or the nicer parents of your children's friends?

roguetomato · 18/05/2021 12:51

I really don't think that's the case. They acknowledge you at least. And if they are already having a conversation, nothing wrong in carrying on. And as you say if you think you can't join in the group unless you have high powered job or a member of pta, (which I really don't think), can you join the pta or some committee at school so you can get to know the school and community better as well as make some friends?

iminthegarden · 18/05/2021 12:51

It's probably more that you don't have any background with them and they don't know much about you. Could you single out one you think you'd get on with and arrange a coffee. The more people have to talk about together will help. You can't just expect to show your face and be involved in full on conversations otherwise.

BrimfulOfBaba · 18/05/2021 12:52

For me, how you make people feel is the most important measure of a person's worth. These mums are making you feel bad for what sounds like no reason at all and that reflects so poorly on them. Try your best to not take their snobbery to heart, you seem like a much kinder person by miles.

MajorMujer · 18/05/2021 12:52

Hmmm, cliquey rather than snobby I think.
I had a great group of mum friends when ds was at primary, 4 years later with dd the group was more as you've described. I coped by not giving a shit op.

Litthefirealready · 18/05/2021 12:52

I have this problem, ds started at the school in year 3 in January.
Nobody would speak to me in the playground, I tried a few times and they would chat back but ignore me next time.
It’s a village school and the mums are very cliquey and just don’t accept me. I’m not gobby or loud and actually quite quiet. I think they think that I’m snobby and not interested in chatting even though I’ve extended the hand of friendship many times. The kids don’t like my ds and never invite him to parties or for tea. ( He isn’t a mean kid or a bully, never gets into trouble).
I’m literally counting down the days till he leaves, not long now thank goodness.
I have no advice I’m afraid, just wanted to let you know I know how you feel and sympathise. I’m often tearful after school pick up.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/05/2021 12:54

Have you ever actually joined the group instead of scurrying past, op?

Not to put the boot in, but you could actually be perceived as the snooty one if you walk past them and deliberately stand on your own.
You seem to be waiting for an invitation to join them, that's not really how it works.
Also, on the play dates? Have you really never invited any of their kids round?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 18/05/2021 12:55

They probably just already know each other.

Most people are only interested in themselves and a fairly small circle of family and clise friends.

They probably don't think about you at all - which sounds harsh but is the opposite! They're not judging, rejecting or excluding you, they're just self absorbed - like every human on the planet actually is, but is oblivious/ in denial/ uninterested in contemplating.

Look around and see whether there's anyone standing alone if you want to make a friend - the person standing alone is the most likely option (although they could be very shy, an introvert, have a massive personal crisis going on - so even if they don't respond as you wish its still likely to be because they don't have headspace for anyone new, not personal!).

Original poster

Jerseyshore12 · 18/05/2021 12:58

@Litthefirealready

I have this problem, ds started at the school in year 3 in January. Nobody would speak to me in the playground, I tried a few times and they would chat back but ignore me next time. It’s a village school and the mums are very cliquey and just don’t accept me. I’m not gobby or loud and actually quite quiet. I think they think that I’m snobby and not interested in chatting even though I’ve extended the hand of friendship many times. The kids don’t like my ds and never invite him to parties or for tea. ( He isn’t a mean kid or a bully, never gets into trouble). I’m literally counting down the days till he leaves, not long now thank goodness. I have no advice I’m afraid, just wanted to let you know I know how you feel and sympathise. I’m often tearful after school pick up.

It's horrible isn't it 😢 i don't think I explained properly I don't approach for a chat but if I walk past a group or one of the mums on their own I would always smile, say hi, lovely morning etc but might only get a nod back or a grimace at best... I understand what people are saying that I'm a stranger to them & that's true.... DC have had playdate in the past but to be honest we are not interested at the moment due to covid, I don't want the dc getting sick, school & after school activities are enough for the moment...

OP posts:

Sleepingdogs12 · 18/05/2021 12:58

This is really sad to read. I think being at the school gates makes you feel you are back in the playground yourself. If your children joined the school after reception I imagine it is hard to break into a group of friends. My children went to a very mixed school in a mixed area and I really think this helped in terms of group dynamics for the children and parents. I am sure covid hasn't helped with getting to know people. Try and be confident in yourself and don't take it to heart. They are probably not doing anything intentionally just getting on with their day, if they are working they are rushing off. I think you need to adjust your expectations and look elsewhere for friends. It is hard though, I didn't have issues at the school drop off and pick up but was still relieved when it was all over .

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2021 12:59

@BrimfulOfBaba

I’m sorry but I think that’s unfair. And it’s not ok to judge like that. In reality they probably don’t realise the op is desperate to join them. She will just be one of what is hundreds of mums they don’t really know. So they will nod or whatever and get on with what they are doing. They aren’t to know the op is feeling like this.

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