Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

[Bluntness100]

but might only get a nod back or a grimace at best

Ok if anyone is grimacing at you that’s not ok. Are you sure that’s what is happening and not just a blank look?

[Wafflewombat]

A group of mums joined my Pilates class when their kids started school. They knew each other & I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. Given I'm a bit odd myself, that's saying something...ended up leaving. It's not all mums, it's just if they're a strongly-knit group, they have no need to look outside the group.

Literally, don't be triggered, go, drop kid off, leave...

[tentosix]

You need to work on your own self esteem and stop worrying about these non people. Your value and worth to your family and society is not measured on how you are perceived by the school parents. You're are a good mum, presumably you have friends and family. These people do not matter.

This type of exclusion behaviour has always gone on. Youre not the first or last person to be upset by this. I had the same experience. I made my own friends outside the school gates and completely ignored them. You have a phone to look at while waiting, so occupy yourself with SM and just blank the lot of them.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

@Purrsuation

I don't think they're worth worrying about if they don't have the common courtesy to say hello back.

Just hold your head up high and be as nice as ever

This is spot on.

Sending you a massive hug, @Jerseyshore12. I'm socially anxious with low self esteem, so find it hard to make friends with people, so I can understand how you are feeling. If you'd smiled at me in the playground, when I was taking the dses to school, I'd have smiled back and been friendly. I'm just sorry you have met people who are so unkind.

[CadburyCake]

In non covid times I have a few parents I chat to at pick up. I’ve known them for years and they’re the parents of some of my children’s friends. We have other stuff in common too. If I’m talking to them I’d find it really weird to have someone I barely know trying to join in or be friends. It’s nothing personal to you but I would probably do little more than nod. Sometimes yes, I end up having a random conversation about the weather with a parent I barely know at the gate but mostly I’m not there to make new friends. It’s nothing about you or what you’re wearing. We’re not a magic social circle of special people, just some friends who are quite happy with their group as it is, chatting about playing at the park on the weekend or did we have any ideas for half term. I’d be horrified if I thought some people were going home weeping about it.

At the moment it’s all WhatsApp anyway as the head is very keen on dispersing parents as soon as possible!

[Lululucygrace]

My little girls school is the same and I’m on the younger side of the mums, the first few years it used to bother me but now she’s at the upper side of school I couldn’t care less! I drop off and pick up and just keep myself to myself, just chatting to my little girls best friends mum who also just keeps herself to herself! I honestly couldn’t care less what they think of me and neither should you! I have a lovely family and a nice home and just because my partner isn’t a brain surgeon and I’m not a lawyer doesn’t make me any less than them and it doesn’t make you any less! Stay in your lane and look how far you have come and the goals you are reaching x not everyone else’s life is as they try and make out and if they are rude it’s probably because they are unhappy themselves and trying to act something they aren’t! Keep your head up x

[VanCleefArpels]

I think lots of us have this ideal that when our kids are at school we will be part of this big happy group of mums, skipping off for coffee and gossiping after drop off, a whole new social set etc etc

The reality is that it’s a random group of people who just happen to have kids at around the same time and live in the same catchment area. There’s no guarantee (or likelihood statistically) that you will have anything more in common with these people. If any of us do manage to make friends at the school gates then that’s luck rather than anything else.

Kindly, being in tears about this is extreme.

And you’ve answered your own question by saying that unless you read on the PTA you are nobody. If you feel strongly enough about wanting to be somebody then that’s your answer- work at it, but don’t expect to be able to stand back and have everyone flock to you.

[Flowers500]

From what I can make out—you said hi and they nodded at you and continued their conversation. You’re the same economic and social bracket so there’s no snobbishness at play. You just don’t know any of them and seem to suffer from dehabilitating self esteem issues.

[BrimfulOfBaba]

@Bluntness100 fair enough, I was focusing on the way OP was feeling about these encounters and the grimacing etc. But it is right that perhaps some projection is happening.

OP I do agree with PP that while what these women may think doesn't matter (if they are thinking anything at all), it does matter how you see yourself. If there are things you want to get involved in, get stuck in and see what it's like :)

[Flowers500]

If you’re wanting to make friends then you need to try to identify other women who are looking for that too. People with established friend groups often don’t have the time or inclination to make new friends. Nothing personal.

[Escapetothecounty]

These types of threads always make me curious about when my DC starts school next year. My parents worked so shared the school run with our next door neighbours so each parent only did it once or twice a week so whenever I see people fretting about school gate politics I wonder if things are different now, or whether it just wasn't in my parents sphere as they weren't there that often. Do people not just walk their kids into the playground then go home any more?

[oiwiththepoodlesalready83]

OP don’t let these rude people bother you. I had the same, I was 23 by the time my dd was at school and some of the mums were so rude/judgemental but I learned very quick to ignore them and just get on with it. I would say hello to the ones who acknowledged me, pick up dd and not give a shit about some random mothers.

Some people are just rude/judgemental/clicky and they’re not worth a second thought.

[majesticallyawkward]

The school yard is almost worse as an adult. My dd has been in the same class since reception and still only a few of the other parents acknowledge anyone outside of their clique. It used to bother me but dd has plenty of friends and honestly I've got more going on in my life than worrying about whether they like me.

But I have been told I've been 'unapproachable' before... probably because I was either massively late and rushing, on a work call, in an IBS flare up or whatever other reason I just couldn't be arsed with pleasantries. Im also massively awkward, it's ok with people I know but anyone new approaches and I don't know what to do. You never know what's going on.

Try to ignore it. If you really want interaction try to start a conversation with a small group or someone alone about something other than the weather.

[Carriemac]

Join the PTA? That's how I got to know parents at DCs school as we were out of catchment
Made lifelong friends but it took a year or two

[GreyhoundG1rl]

I still think you are actually self excluding to a certain extent, op. If you've always just said Hello and determinedly walked on past, it indicates you're not bothered about joining the group.
They don't know you're desperate for an invitation.

[MindtheBelleek]

DS started at a new school in a new country 8 weeks before the first lockdown last spring, so school has been pretty interrupted since then, and I've got to know very few people at the school gates, as class drop-offs are staggered, we aren't allowed into the playground, and parents are encouraged to drop and go. Sure, it's been a bit lonely, but the onus is on me as the new arrival to make the approaches, and honestly, long-established groups of people aren't going to be on the lookout in case a complete stranger they've only ever seen wearing a mask might want to join them. Anyway, this is DS's school, not my social life!

[CadburyCake]

“ I don't approach for a chat but if I walk past a group or one of the mums on their own I would always smile, say hi, lovely morning etc but might only get a nod back or a grimace at best...
I understand what people are saying that I'm a stranger to them & that's true....
DC have had playdate in the past but to be honest we are not interested at the moment due to covid, I don't want the dc getting sick, school & after school activities are enough for the moment...”

What exactly are you hoping for from them? You don’t want play dates, you aren’t having a conversation with them - honestly if I smiled and said good morning to every parent on the school run I’d be there for hours - there’s probably a couple of hundred families dropping off! That’s just not how these things generally go, any more than I’d say hello to everyone in my tube carriage or that I pass in the supermarket aisle.

[BelleClapper]

I’ve never understood this. I’ve had three children through different primaries and the only thing I can say about the other parents is that they’re all people.



Some are chatty, some aren’t, some know each other, I know a few to talk to and a couple for coffee/play dates. Most I don’t know at all. I’ve never seen any evidence of snobbery or bullying and I constantly agog at the number of mums on Mumsnet who claim it’s rife.

Surely it’s your own insecurities? How could you possibly know what they are thinking?

Some days I walk into the playground full of beans and happy to chat, some days I stay in the car until the last minute and look at my phone in the playground to avoid small talk. Neither mood is any judgement on anyone else.

[Bytheloch]

As long as your children are thriving and happy, those few minutes at the school gate are really irrelevant to the rest of your day. Find your people- they don’t sound like they’re at the school gate.

(If you haven’t watched already, catch up with Motherland on iplayer. You’ll recognise so much of the behaviour, whilst laughing, which is a better option than crying about it 💐)

[MuddySocks]

Rise above , rise above and rise above them.

They are not worth your time or your energy.

These people are not your friends.

Hold your head up and carry on. Focus your attention on your beautiful children.

Seriously.

[Bluntness100]

I can see both sides of this.

If you’re lonely and want to make friends and see groups of mums in their friendship group at school you may ache to join in ans be devastated if no one talks to you and you feel excluded and alone.

On the other side, the other mums won’t be giving it any thought. They don’t know the op feels like this. They are just blithely going about their business.

I have to say I was likely one of the ignorers. I worked, my daughter was privately educated and the overwhelming majority of mums didn’t. I would dash in and drop off. Wave or smile if I could be arsed.

On pick up if early id just wander over and join them, say hi. I didn’t really give a shit or any thought to it. Just “oh I’m early you’re staceys mum” kind of thing. If someone said hi to me depending on what was on my mind I’d either smile, nod or even possibly look blankly if I was in a rush. I’d at no stage be thinking about what was going on in that persons head. They would literally have just been a random parent at the school gate.

And I think that’s what’s happening here rather than deliberate exclusion. The op is desperate to join in, but they don’t know that, they are just getting on with their day.

[Whythesadface]

Use your mobile.
Have ear buds and some happy songs, or classical music you like.
Out of car music on, and walk into school, that way your not just looking at a phone while you wait. I used to listen to radio 2 while I waited.
I think a lot of anxiety at the school gates is caused by looking around as you bored waiting for let out.
If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
Also happy people tend to get spoken to, a smile is your best accessory.

[Lululucygrace]

@BelleClapper I haven’t experienced bullying or snobbery, however, just because YOU haven’t experienced something doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. How narrow minded! Saying because I haven’t experienced this so you must be insecure is laughable 😂

[CoffeeWithCheese]

Sometimes you just get stuck with a crappy cohort (of parents). DD2's year group is like that - they have ALWAYS been cliquey and tried to micro manage their kids' friendships in the same way. DD1's year group - we have the resident snobs and then the decent people who I can at least make small talk with (my best parent friend is moving away though - argh!).

I find the chief snob hilarious - loves to stand at the school gates and brag about her high powered career and looks right down on me as she assumes I'm some kind of stay at home rough around the edges mum with nothing about her... I'm actually trained in exactly the same job she is, and in the middle of a degree to career change - if she ever actually bothered to speak to me, she'd realise that, and that our kids are more similar than she thinks and are actually probably the best match for each other academically and socially in the year group. I just find it funny.

[IsThePopeCatholic]

Are you trying to befriend the wrong people? I never wanted to join the PTA clique, but found lots of other people standing on their own who I used to talk to. Ask your dc’s to point out their friends then go to the parent and say: oh , you must be x’s mum, I’m y’s mum. I got to know lots of lovely parents like that - but I never joined the PTA.