Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

[Brazilianut]

Sorry that so many doubt what you’re saying OP or try to put the onus on you.

I haven’t experienced this as I have always a few lovely parent friends, these are the type of people who wouldn’t care of you’re a nanny or a ‘high flyer’.

Like a pp said unfortunately the cliquey groups are well and truly notorious and if they’ve enquired about you and deem you a ‘nobody’ you’ll be lucky to get even a nod.

[stayathomer]

OP I'm so sorry to hear you're so sad, and this isn't going to be much help but actually it's just all luck. I I have 4 kids so that's 4 separate classes and all of the mothers in two of those classes get on like a house on fire. In the other two characters there is nothing. Nadal. Zip! I honestly don't think you should take a personally perhaps these mum's have gone to school together or done sports or even have relatives that are friends or something like that, I doubt it's social standing, in fact I think you need to wipe all of that out of your head. Just enjoy your child and you'll find suddenly you're randomly chatting to people

[G5000]

If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee

Join a PTA or a committee then? And you can't complain that you don't know other parents well if you refuse to have playdates.

Really, all other mothers are together in a gang and just scowl when you say hi? Divide and conquer. Go there early then and chat with the second mum to arrive, before the rest of the gang gets there.

[Bluebird76]

What people see as cliques are usually just friends. I'm on my 9th year of school run and tbh I do mostly just chat to people I know. It's familiarity and laziness. But I'm not unfriendly - it's just that I'm not in a place where I'm desperate to meet new people. I'll chat to anyone though, in that if my dc makes a new friend and I meet their parents via a playdate, I'd definitely then say hello and chat if I see them at the gate. Or if someone approached me, then ditto. The vast majority of these threads about 'cliquey' school gate mum's speak far more to the OPs own insecurities and projections than to the attitude of the other mums. If you go up and chat to people, not just smile or say hello from a distance, the vast majority will engage - it's just human nature to respond to direct friendliness. Hanging back and hoping to be included doesn't have nearly such a good success rate!

[Caffeinatedmonstergirl]

As someone who is naturally shy, has low-esteem and suffers from anxiety, I no longer let things like this affect me at all. I’m literally in and out at drop-off and pick-up and if I happen to end up chatting with anyone that’s a bonus. I don’t have any actual friends amongst the other parents bar one and that’s only because I knew her prior to our DC attending this school. Due to health problems she doesn’t usually collect her DC anyway so I don’t talk to anyone more often than not. I keep my head held up high, look straight ahead (or at my phone) and then whizz in and out.

You need to change your perspective - see it as something that has to be done (collecting DC), akin to food shopping or filling your car up with petrol. Hugs to you though, it took me a long time to reach this mindset and I know it’s hard, made worse if you have other things going on in your life which make you feel vulnerable/anxious. Just remember that you are worthy, with a family that loves you.

[Bluebird76]

School mums, not mum's!!!!

[eandz13]

I cannot think of anything I'd want to do less than stop for a chat with other parents when picking my DC's up, it's an in and out job, avoid all social interaction. I thought that was the norm. Starting to think I'm a bit of a twat now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Vodkaandballoon]

It's always the mums isn't it. Does anyone judge the dads?. No ,dads are busy they don't have time to stop & chat. Mum's on the other hand if they don't make enough effort or invite you in their friendship group they are snobby or bitchy. Maybe they are just busy, trying to get everyone where they need to be & hold down a busy job or care for a family member. Don't be so quick to judgement.

[BimBimBapp]

Another one of these?
They aren't doing anything to you and they aren't doing anything wrong. They aren't being cliquey or snobby or rude.

All they are doing is having a chat with their friends at school time. That's it. They aren't excluding you, because there is no good reason to include you. They are complete strangers who don't know you and they have no reason to.

Simply having children in the same school does not mean they owe you their time or instant friendship. The only thing wrong here is the people who for some unknown reason think they are going to make friends with completely random people because they happen to have kids at the same school/

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

Even if you don't want to join the PTA committee, I found helping out at events made me get to know people. I did end up on the committee though, for five years, and was working 4 days a week. Don't know how I managed it now. They were a nice bunch though and it was a time when adult conversation was sometimes in short supply.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Maybe I'm odd but i've never understood this whole school mum thing. All I can see from the various posts about it on here is pettiness, backstabbing and a variety of ridiculous dramas.

Presumably you have real friendships so focus on those. These women are strangers and them not 'accepting' you should mean fuck all, not be reducing you to tears!

In the nicest possible way you need to toughen up and stop looking for approval. As other people have said just think of them as bodies occupying the same space and nothing more.

[Bluntness100]

@MichelleScarn

there has been a lot of jealousy from mums who want to be SAHM mums but for whatever reason can't. have you been told by these other mums that they are jealous of you, or have you inferred this?

It’s interesting though isn’t it. The op thinks they look down on her for being a sahm and that’s why they don’t talk to her. Where as this poster thinks they envy her and that’s why they don’t talk to her. I suspect that’s about self esteem.

And for the poster who said the onus shouldn’t be on the op. Of course it’s on the op. It’s not school in the way the teacher has to make sure all kids are included. No one roams the playground asking all parents standing alone to come join them. That would be beyond weird. People stopping and having a friendly chat with who they know is totally normal human behaviour and not in any way to be shamed.

[mainsfed]

As the friendly F2F approach isn't working, could you try another way, like posting on school Facebook group, local Nextdoor.com page, or even the WhatsApp group if you're feeling brave? Or join charity/volunteer group at the school?

If that doesn't work, then just load up your phone with a good audio book, comedy podcast or music and just tune them out. It honestly makes a difference, they can't get rent-free space in your head so easily when you're distracted!

[OverTheRubicon]

@G5000

If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee

Join a PTA or a committee then? And you can't complain that you don't know other parents well if you refuse to have playdates.

Really, all other mothers are together in a gang and just scowl when you say hi? Divide and conquer. Go there early then and chat with the second mum to arrive, before the rest of the gang gets there.

All of this. People with high flying careers are rarely at the school gates to get upset about, or are running off. And others are just friends, and/or tired and therefore not looking to speak to strangers. If you're a sahm to someone in a well paid career with a 'lovely house', you're (a) presumably not struggling yourself and (b) exactly the kind of person who may well have time and space and energy to contribute to the PTA.

[Pinkypink]

I found it very hard with my first child but once he had made friends I invited them round and made a point of chatting to the mums when they picked up or dropped off -a few became friends from there. Plenty did not.
It's hard to start off with.
I have found with all my kids I have at least one mum friend in each class and some of them have become my closest friends. It takes time and to be honest I haven't made a huge effort to make friends with my youngest child's class bc I recognise a lot of the parentd from the other classes etc and he has made friends easily.
So it isn't always cliquey or snobbish behaviour. I just don't have the time now or I guess the need to make new friends.
I hope things get easier it's a horrible feeling to be ignored and left out.

[SwimBaby]

Are there are other parents standing on their own? If there are talk to them. Forget about the established groups.

[Paddingtonthebear]

I rarely speak to a soul when I do drop off and collect outside our Primary School. I’m not even there for long enough to chat. It was a different story at the previous Infants school as we had to go into the school grounds and wait outside the class door. Everyone was super friendly and involved in YR then it became fairly functional hi/bye for Y1 and Y2. I’m sorry you don’t feel welcome but I would just carry on as normal. It’s them, not you and there isn’t much you can do about it if they are ignoring you so best just to rise above it. At least you don’t have to work with them

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

I’ve never treat the school run as a social occasion. I just get there on time, collect my DC then go home. Barely acknowledge anyone else beyond the odd smile here and there. I think you’re taking it too seriously really, I don’t think it’s really even sensible to stand around gossiping right now.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I think lots of us have this ideal that when our kids are at school we will be part of this big happy group of mums, skipping off for coffee and gossiping after drop off, a whole new social set etc etc

Some people may have this expectation, but most of us have plenty of friends already, and jobs to rush off to. But...we still have to stand with this group of other parents for 10 minutes twice a day, and regardless of whether you really give a shit if they like you, it is undermining when they have all the time and smiles in the world for each other, while you seem to be invisible.

I essentially force them to acknowledge me and be civil, but if I give myself a day off being the one to start a conversation, my invisibility shield returns. I probably should just stop bothering but I come from Ireland and it would be considered very odd there not to acknowledge people you see daily. I must ask my friends there what the school gate is like!

[HarrietHairbrush]

Op have you thought about joining one of the committees?

[mainsfed]

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think lots of us have this ideal that when our kids are at school we will be part of this big happy group of mums, skipping off for coffee and gossiping after drop off, a whole new social set etc etc

Some people may have this expectation, but most of us have plenty of friends already, and jobs to rush off to. But...we still have to stand with this group of other parents for 10 minutes twice a day, and regardless of whether you really give a shit if they like you, it is undermining when they have all the time and smiles in the world for each other, while you seem to be invisible.

I essentially force them to acknowledge me and be civil, but if I give myself a day off being the one to start a conversation, my invisibility shield returns. I probably should just stop bothering but I come from Ireland and it would be considered very odd there not to acknowledge people you see daily. I must ask my friends there what the school gate is like!

Playing devil's advocate, but maybe they'd prefer to chat to someone who wants to be friends with them and meet up during the school day?

[Likeroses]

My daughter's in breakfast club for this very reason hate the small talk at the gates !!

[GreyhoundG1rl]

@Likeroses

My daughter's in breakfast club for this very reason hate the small talk at the gates !!

You put your child in breakfast club to avoid other parents?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

maybe they'd prefer to chat to someone who wants to be friends with them and meet up during the school day?

Could be, which would be fair enough! But most of them work too.

[Mojoj]

I don't understand. Why do you give a shit? These people are nothing to you?