Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

I'd say it's insecurity.

I have experienced this, still am to an extent.

What helped me was reminding myself these people aren't my friends. It's not like they were once friends turned frenemy. I don't fit their mould, so what.

They're simply people who happen to have children at the same school as my boys, people who happen to be there at the same time as me.

Focus on your friends, family, hobbies etc.

Although it's nice to make friends with school mums/dad's etc, it's not a necessity and it doesn't make you less of a person if it doesn't happen.

Go in. Smile, nod, say hi. Repeat.

Collect your child/ren and focus on the good things in your life.

I don't think it matters personally, i don't go to school to make friends but that being said the school my kids go to is pretty rough (parents in the playground fighting rough) Why does what these people think of you matter so much? its just a school drop off, would you care if the binman didn't say hi each week? or if you spoke to randoms in tescos and they just nodded and got on with their shopping? i don't think you should let it bother you, its only the school run you're just there to drop of your kids that's it. also if they are rude and snobby why would you even want to be friends with them? fill your mind with other things rather than letting this bother you

I am always friendly at school but do tend to talk more to the mums I have more in common with. Generally the other working mums and we have a moan and compare notes. You need to find your group. At our school there are loads of little groups. The SAHMs are generally spotted going off to the local coffee shop after drop off which makes me jealous!

I think looking at the abuse being hurled here at women who don’t include random others at the school,gates it seems there is a level or resentment and bitterness that these women seem to have friends and don’t include the various posters. It means apparently these women who have friends are “horrible, nasty, devoid of personality, snobby, cliquey, bitchy “ etc and worthy of abuse.

In reality they are just women who are friendly with other women and who are not aware that the mum nervously saying hi or standing alone with her earbuds in is desperately sad and lonely and wants to be included.

How would they know? It doesn’t make them horrible people to chat to their friends at the gates and not try to include every other mother there.

As said, I wasn’t part of a clique. I was too busy but if I was at pick up before my daughter came out, I’d simply park up and walk over , say hi and join in with anyone I remotely recognised. No one ever told me to fuck off or was excluding to me. (Well apart from one weirdo who took offence becayse I was talking to her husband at one school event but I just ignored her looks, smiled and carried on, can’t be doing with that weird shit)

The thing is, these women aren’t going to reach out to every parent they see. No one does that. Just like you don’t go round a pub asking every punter to join you. You need to reach out youtself. Go and say hi and join them. And if you’re too introverted then I’m not quite sure the issue is with the mums who have friends, it’s just a sad set of circumstances for the lonely mum.

Personally I wouldn’t wanna be friends with kinds of people rude literally no effort to be nice at the school gates !!! Big hugs 🤗 x

It’s so horrible to feel like that I can remember when DS1 first started at playgroup, mums didn’t speak to me, except one of the mums who made an effort to talk to me and make me feel welcome. I was a mum to a toddler and had a baby, recently relocated and I was really lonely. I have never forgotten her kindness and always made an effort to speak to new mums.

I know exactly how you feel. I was delighted when I started work and only had to do the school run once a week. Put your kids in pre and after school club to avoid them all OP.

I tried really hard, would up to groups and barely get acknowledged,. went on their nights out and people arriving would scan the table and avoid sitting next to me. Tried to arrange playdates, but didn't get return invites and my messages to arrange another at our house would go unanswered. If I stand at the school playground now no-one comes to talk to me now. I've not had trouble making friends elsewhere so don't think its my lack of social skills. I just don't fit in.

Make friends elsewhere. And drop your kids off late in the morning to avoid them

These posts are always the same: op doesn’t like the people at school drop off because they ignore her but desperately want their attention. Other people pick up on this neediness and dislike.

Op: You are there to drop off your kids. Do just that. Say hi if you make eye contact with someone. If you want to spend more time with these people then join the pta. If you are lonely in general then join groups where you have more in common than having children. Some people will have friends who aren’t you. This is allowed, don’t take it personally.

sunshinepunch really great advice, can I second that.

My children went to a snooty prep school, lots of families who had known each other since they were children. Went to the same boarding schools, dated each other’s husbands (at uni etc). DH’s got in the same carriage on train to London every morning, had dinner at each other’s houses. I’ve travelled a lot and lived in different countries so was floored by how their lives were intertwined.

The first three years only the teachers spoke to me, by year 8 I had one real friend and probably 10 people I could chat to at matches. Some mums went the whole 10 years without saying hello back (kindergarten to year 8)!

It was horrible at first but I got better at focussing on the fact the kids loved the school and just did the nod and smile and keep walking thing. Please try not to take it personally, they can’t be happy people, happy people are kind and welcoming. Don’t let it get to you. sunshinepunch advice is great.

Also I would say unless you've personally experienced this it's hard to understand. Especially (like me) as I was new to the area and the country. It can feel isolating, hurtful and hard to swallow. But once you get your head straight you'll be fine.

I never understand why people get so worked up over the school run. Personally I'm there to take my child to school, not to make friends. Not saying I don't like the mums there, I smile and say hi but I'm not desperate to be their friend or stand around chatting. I have no idea what they think of me and could not care less either.

I think all schools have this.

Either muck in with the committee and get to know people, or just ignore them and get on with your own life.

I'm with you bluntness.
If I'm chatting in a group I see many mums who stand to the side and don't come to the group to chat, I quite often try to catch their eye to call them over, especially if they are new, but some of the time I don't, as really I feel adults should be capable of walking up to a group and saying hi. I don't see it as them being excluded, I see it as people for whatever reason deciding not to make an effort to join a group and it shouldn't be the responsibility of the group to call you over.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I never understand why people get so worked up over the school run. Personally I'm there to take my child to school, not to make friends. Not saying I don't like the mums there, I smile and say hi but I'm not desperate to be their friend or stand around chatting. I have no idea what they think of me and could not care less either.

Perhaps Op doesn't want to make friends, but would appreciate a friendly hello/smile in acknowledgement of hers?

You have to put in some decent ground work if you want to make friends with parents at school. Have you honestly pulled out all the stops OP?

At my DS’s school there is one mum who moans to me at any opportunity that a group of other mums in our DS’s class is cliquey and snobby. They actually aren’t and I can’t agree with her. They are all SAHM’s who put in quite a bit of effort with one another and have bonded due to having time to go for coffees post-drop off/play dates etc. They have all kept in close touch and supported one another through lockdown (I know this as I know one of them through a hobby). They are all nice women. I just don’t have the time to invest as I work and my drops and picks are usually stressy/chucking kid out of car. So sometimes I’m standing there and I see them all laughing and joking and discussing plans that I’m not included in. And that’s fine because my choices are my responsibility. What bothers me is that other women will so quickly dish out the bitchy/cliquey label when it’s not always the case.

@diddl if people can't even smile or say hello then I'd stop bothering. Why would you waste time on rude people?

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@diddl if people can't even smile or say hello then I'd stop bothering. Why would you waste time on rude people?[/quote]
Well yes-so Op needs to learn to just not care that almost no one acknowledges her & to just keep up with the friends she already has.

You’re taking this way too personally! They’re probably all busy thinking about getting to work/stuff they have to do. My kids didn’t join their school from the off. I chat some days, others I don’t, I’m polite if approached but I’m not looking for a new bestie at the school gates, particularly not during covid!

I never bothered with the school mums/dads club. I dropped off and picked up my kids. Sometimes had a secret snigger to myself when the PTA club were loudly posturing and making complete tits of themselves. If you start watching them like they are there to amuse you, you won’t feel left out or worth less. Honestly , they’re just people. They pull weird faces on the toilet and have to wipe their own butts too. Enjoy your kids and your day and don’t worry about those that don’t matter.

There's a number of mums at my son's school who go out regularly - once a fortnight at minimum plus coffees etc during the week. Roughly 25 to 30 mums in total judging by the photos I see on Instagram. I have chatted to many, opened conversations, say hi frequently, they know my name and my sons names. They know I'm new to the area (just over 1 year) and they know I know no-one. Some are newer than me. Not once has anyone extended an invite to me for any of their gatherings (I've invited a few times, no dice). I just don't fit their mould.

It's hard. It happens. It's horrible BUT once you give yourself a talking to you'll get past it.

My child isn't at school yet but this playground stuff really puzzles me. I don't remember my mum ever hanging around the school gate to talk to other parents, she'd just drop me off and then rush off to work. I had my own friends, and then our mums met through us and sometimes clicked and became friends too, but this didn't happen at the school gates as such.
Maybe things have changed, but still...If your child is happy and has friends then why are you so desperate to be friends with these women?

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I totally get it. I’m new to an area, my little boy is in preschool. It’s an affluent area, many parents don’t work or have their own businesses. Despite the fact I have a ‘highflying’ career, nice home etc etc, I still feel uncomfortable and sad. I can’t do the coffees, PTA stuff - I don’t have my own eco / ethical / exciting / unusual business and it’s really hard to make friends. The whole mask / social distancing doesn’t help at all.

My approach is just to ‘kill it with kindness’. I say hello to EVERYONE in the most cheerful way possible. Their lack of engagement, snobbiness or whatever is not my problem at all. To make friends, I’m joining a couple of classes, making contact with individuals from school (via WhatsApp) and I’m going to set up a local parents Facebook group (aimed at support, ideas for the weekend, friendship etc). It’s hard, sometimes my mask slips, but frankly make it their problem not yours x

I hope you are okay op?

It sounds really really miserable. Personally I feel you should find some other parents that are quieter and nicer, and hang out with them. They won't all be like motherland, some will be nice and open to friendly interaction.

Make sure you have lots of friends outside school, and remember your children are there to learn, it is not a social club. You are there just to support your children, and definitely organise park playdates and picnics if you can with your children's friends and parents. I found the best way to stay on good terms with everyone was to organise lots of playdates and parties. Worked for me for sixteen years!

Don't take it personally op many people just have a resting bitch face or problems to contend with, they probably aren't really thinking long and hard about other people right now.