Just realised how snobby & unfriendly the mums at dc's school are:(

[Jerseyshore12]

Bit of a background... My dc's are at a very good state school in an affluent area... Most parents at the school live in similar estates/houses however the level of snobbery is really making me miserable, I hate the school run... I try to be friendly, always smile, say hi, try to muster up conversation but they literally look at me like I'm something they walked on... I came home & cried this morning, I felt so belittled & worthless. If your face doesn't fit, you don't have a high flying career or not part of the PTA or another comittee you don't seem to get acknowledged... Thankfully we live in a lovely house & area, dc are super happy in the school, lots of friends & are flying with their schoolwork which really is the main thing... I guess I just need a few coping mechanisms to get me through the drop offs. Please be kind & if anyone has had any similar experiences please share.

It's not you, it's probably not them, it's just that having kids in same school is not really enough to strike up a friendship. The only mums I knew were people I knew from other things (ie WI or choir or friends of friends) or helping out at school events (I didn't do full on pta but that can be good) or mums of kids friends . Or maybe kids go to same clubs.
However only then you have to click with them in the way you know people from work but are only pals with a few. It's very rare that you will be beckoned over in the school yard.
I suggest finding interests for yourself in your area and friendship hopefully will follow.

OP, i have been there too. Its really wearing and mserable, fuelled by narrow minded people with nothing to talk about except other people IME.
When DS started a new school, despite my friendly demeanor every day there was absolutley nothing but a brick wall and nastiness in return. I was blatantly talked about and blanked from day one. It was childish and petty. I did find one friend at that school and we are still good friends (she only did occasional pick ups etc)but in general i just walked in and walked out every day aware i was being talked about. If you havent experienced its hard to know how soul destroying it is.
The best thing i can suggest is to make sute you have some really good activities outside of school, even if its just one thing, a book club, W.I. in your area if you have a younger group, local fun exercise crowd, art group etc get into that. Make friends there. Not only does it give you things to pique your intetest and fill you with enthusiasm but its a way to make friends who have common interests and you can properly connect with. It's important to make new friends from time to time. It keeps life fresh and buoys the spirit. There are nice people where you live. There are some where i live too, like where you live, there unfortunately a lot here who are struck with a huge superiority complex. At the end of the day we are all people, were all born, we all die. We're all the same- look at how shallow they really are and find friends elsewhere who deserve you.

Try thinking of the school drop off as no more significant than a trip the shop to get some milk. Just get in and get out, no one there owes you any social interaction - a friendly word or smile with someone is nice, but otherwise just get the job done and go! People are generally just wrapped up in their own lives.

Sorry that you feel this way OP. I used to feel this way when DS1 started school, he's 20 now so a long time ago, the class mums seemed very 'snobby' as you put it. Some days that would say hello back and other days they wouldn't. What really helped me in the end was having interests outside of my children, I met people who had the same interests as me and we had things in common other than our children.

I honestly couldn't tell you who any of my kids school friends parents are.

They play with kids in our street and family/friends and I've never even met my teenagers friends!

It's really not that big a deal - other than or children going to the same school I have no reason to befriend randomers. If they said hi to me then I'd smile/speak politely but I'm very much a stand aside with my earbuds in then chat to DC.

Playground politics just sounds bizarre.

People are really odd. DS1 used to go to a school that was rated Outstanding and known in the area. Good lord it was horrific. The teachers encouraged the cliquey rubbish and were incredibly judgemental and nasty about the BAME children. A particular group ran the show and were just truly bullying. The kicker was that they pretty much accepted me. I was under no illusions it was because we were white and spoke in a way that suggested we were educated. They encourage me to join the PTA. Blah blah. At the same time I saw them blank other parents who weren't deemed "worthy". They were truly sad little people whose entire existence revolved around the pointless rubbish at the school gate. I ended up almost feeling sorry for them because they would hang around for a good hour at the school gates to chat (I discovered this at the end as I had to pick up a colleague whose children also attended the school).

They delighted in making other parents feel left out and "different" and were thoroughly surprised that I didn't join in and just kept to myself.

We moved area and DC ended up at a school that had a historic bad reputation due to area. We sent them anyway as we did due diligence on the changes.

You couldn't find a nicer more welcoming group of parents. Very different backgrounds to the last school. Carers , SAHM , lots of retail staff , all the people that have worked their backsides off this last year. Everyone stepped up and supported each other.

The childcare bottom dropped out of the area and the parents banded together to help each other. One would walk the DC to doors one day so the parent could work and they would do the same the next day.

It's still known as the "poor " school but sod that , nice friendly non judgemental people. Genuinely if a parent is standing alone someone will smile and say hello or have a chat (not always a good thing I accept as DP doesn't really like that bit but he smiles and chats back then runs away because he is a giant wuss and a bit scared of large groups of women

Some schools are just like that. Feel sorry for the cliquey lot. Imagine how devoid of personality you must be to be that unpleasant.

@CoffeeWithCheese

Sometimes you just get stuck with a crappy cohort (of parents). DD2's year group is like that - they have ALWAYS been cliquey and tried to micro manage their kids' friendships in the same way. DD1's year group - we have the resident snobs and then the decent people who I can at least make small talk with (my best parent friend is moving away though - argh!).

I find the chief snob hilarious - loves to stand at the school gates and brag about her high powered career and looks right down on me as she assumes I'm some kind of stay at home rough around the edges mum with nothing about her... I'm actually trained in exactly the same job she is, and in the middle of a degree to career change - if she ever actually bothered to speak to me, she'd realise that, and that our kids are more similar than she thinks and are actually probably the best match for each other academically and socially in the year group. I just find it funny.

So why don't you speak to her, instead of waiting for her to "bother" speaking to you? I don't get your kids being the best match for each other socially and academically either? Who decides stuff like that?!

So sorry you're feeling like this OP. My Dc are much older now, but I do remember this feeling. I had DS1 quite young so felt like a bit of an outsider when he first started school. All the other Mums seemed so much more confident and all seemed to know each other. Over time I realised most of them had older children so all knew each other, or the DC had gone to nursery together. When DS2 started it was totally different for some reason, maybe because I felt more confident to start up conversations. It really helped that he was a very social child and made friends easily, so I got to know the mums through play dates.

Joining the PTA really changed things though. I really wasn't sure about it, but I was so glad that I decided to do it. It was a lot of work but we had great fun and I made some really good friends who I still see now.

I’m on my final few months of the school run after many many years of doing it!! I can’t wait for it to end!! I’ve developed a thick skin!
When I worked full time and rarely did a school run on one parents PTA I attended one of the SAHM stood up, rudely said in front of all the parents asking me who i was as she had never seen me before! I left the pta shortly after that if that is the type of person they allowed to run it (relief all round once she stepped down)
I accept little groups form and I have neither the time or energy to manage another friendship group - I tried to interact but groups of Mums already knew each other because of older children, groups of mums that knew each other because the met at toddler groups et etc

It’s not worth it honestly! We have accidentally formed a little group we are probably the parents who never speak to anyone else or be spoken to - we arrive drop/grab our kids and get on with our lives - polite chatter but a safely net to at least stand next to someone! You start to see those parents over time and gradually drawn to each other :) give it time.

I feel like the school run is like anywhere else, you will find some people that just aren't nice... but my goodness at my child's school there seems to be a very very high proportion of them! You say hello just to be friendly but they act like you want to be their best friend or something and literally turn their nose up at you. It's shocking that they are grown adults but behave like 14 year olds still!

All the nasty ones seem to know one another through having older children at the school, and seem to have encouraged all their children to be friends but not with the children of anyone who doesn't fit in with their group so they actively exclude and bully anyone outside of this group. The good normal parents are in the minority unfortunately, so there are quite a number of unfriendly children as well as parents at this school. I just despair with some people sometimes, it's like they go out of their way to be unfriendly to make themselves feel good.

Luckily over the years I've found who the good ones are and I stick with those and if they're not around one day I just hold my head up high and get on with picking up or dropping off without talking to anyone. You're not alone, but know they are not worth your time. You sound like one of the nice ones, the nice ones at my school would have welcomed you with open arms. I'm sure you'll find yours soon too.

I’m often quite amazed that people want to use the school run to make friends. School is for the children to make friends.
I do the school pick up a couple of times a week. I have some friends that happen to have kids at the school - neighbours, childhood friends, work colleagues. If I see them I’ll stop and say hello or chat. But I’m not interested in making other friends. If I wanted to make friends I’d look elsewhere - join a book club, running club or something else. If I make a friend through school parties then so be it.
Maybe you should look elsewhere and build up your self esteem. That way you may not be too bothered about the school run.

Keep smiling and saying hello if they chose not to speak its their issue.
Nothing worse than a group of cliquey mums, they are probably not very kind and you are probably best of of it.
I always spent the minimum amount of time possible in the playground for this reason.

Im my experience they look the best of friends from the outside but they probably all bitch about each other behind their back.

I don’t really recognise this from my school but maybe I’m oblivious. Each year has a staggered start and finish time due to Covid and because my son’s classmates have siblings who also need picking up we’re all there at different times. There is no mass gathering at the school gates, encouraged to disperse quickly due to Covid. On the class whatsapp I can see that maybe 6-8 mums know each other but their kids were all at nursery together and some have similar aged toddler siblings but I don’t think it’s cliquey - they just know each other for years. But we’re not in a fancy area and I think it’s about an50/50 mix of working and non working parents.

I know just how you feel, I fell foul of the group of 'cool mums' which made me feel shit but had a few other friends but then the leader of that groups little angel son started to bully my daughter. As he could do no wrong I was accused of lying and no one spoke to me again, clearly they weren't my friends at all. I am so glad that after, 16 years at the school gate my youngest is going to secondary in September.

MN is apparently obsessed with snobbery, cliques and “ school mums” which is obviously a term for everyone but you and must be used in a disparaging way at all times. I think OP you need to go elsewhere to find friendship. My DD9 goes to an outstanding school in Surrey which you would assume was peak snobbishness by MN standards and I’ve experienced none of what you’ve discussed. It’s not anyone’s job to befriend you or me .. it would be nice. I know a couple of people from pre-school days and I once held a coffee morning at my house when the classes were mixed to get to know some new people. I’ve also been on a night out with a couple of mums but I’m not big on the PTA, I don’t do quizzes or those kinds of events that have gone on. What have you done to get to know anyone away from the school gate? Do you go to the park for play dates ? Have you hung around at parties and chatted to parents ? Have you volunteered to have your children’s friends to play in the garden ? If the answer is no then you’re placing a huge amount of expectation on a 5 minute interaction in the morning when some people are likely to be going on somewhere.

My DD is at high school now and I really don't miss this part of primary school!
I met some lovely people and have lots of friendly acquaintances from school gate encounters but only a tiny handful have actually become proper friends.
Just think of this time as social lubricant rather than making deep connections.If you make some friends it's a bonus.

A neighbour of mine regularly complains that our local school (that both our children attend) is like this. She’s very disparaging of the other mums for not making more effort with her but I’ve noticed that she never stops to make conversation with anyone and will stand by herself looking fed up and unapproachable. I suspect that she probably feels similarly to the OP but I’m always tempted to ask her what makes her think that she’s so special that people will approach her and try to spark up a friendship when she’s making little effort herself and seems disinterested in the whole thing. Nobody that I know at the school thinks badly of her - they just don’t know her. Maybe the entire school community is absolutely horrible or maybe the OP could make some changes herself to make herself more approachable? I live in a tiny village and agree that it’s important to feel like you have friends in the village. Maybe have a few pre-planned small talk topics up your sleeve? And perhaps get there a bit earlier and start talking to someone before the rest of their friends arrive? Hopefully they’ll then introduce you to the group and you’ll be able to gradually become included but it is on you to make the effort. They’ve got their friends already.

Just treat it as a job to be done op. You aren’t obliged to become friends with these people, although it will be helpful to your children if you are pleasant. Just smile and say hi in passing. I appreciate people can sometimes come across as aloof, but generally they are just getting on with their day like you are. If they are being snobby then you probably don’t want to become involved with them anyway.

Some of the mums at our primary school are like this too - it really isn’t you . Sounds like you have manners and acknowledge people - but a lot of people don’t … or only with those they think have something to offer them .

If it’s upsetting you though maybe just try and change your timings so your early and can get away or late so they’ve moved on .

Also stand back and look around you - I bet you are not the only person on your own.

I used to hate school runs for this very reason, luckily my kids are no longer at primary. I live in a similar area, most people own big houses here and have good jobs. I found unless you’re child attended loads of after school activities and you were on the PTA or at least helping with every school event on the calendar then no one really wanted to speak to you. Most of the parents seemed really competitive and had their own little friendship groups. I hated it so just kept myself to myself but remained polite if spoken too (rarely).

Just stop caring. Who cares really?

No offence OP but you need to get a grip, this is such a non-issue

OP I can relate. The mums at DC school are very cliquey, they all seem to have their little pre-formed groups, and are just not interested in including me. I've tried for the past few years to make friends, but as of last Sept, I decided to give up, it was going nowhere and making me sad. So now I just keep myself to myself, get to school and leave as quickly as possible. There's only so much you can do before you realise it's pointless and you need to protect your own feelings. Good luck OP

I pick up the grand children, know the school well, people are masked up, shuffle in a line 2 metres apart, I feel sorry for new mums because mixing is impossible, the police even turned up once watching the line move forward. In my day we sat on the steps and chatted away making friends along the way.

Your child will drive it with parties. Join the PTA extra hands always welcomed.

I used to collect my grandchildren from school. In several years, no one spoke to me. I assumed it was because I wasn’t mum or dad and therefore older.