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Original poster

My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

211 replies

totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 16:48

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 05/04/2021 16:49

How old is he and how do you (both) discipline him?

DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 16:50

Do you work ?
Sounds like you need some grown up time away from him. Is he in nursery ?

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 16:52

He's nearly two. I know he's so young and he can't control him emotions but the difference in the way he is with me and the way is he with his dad is staggering. It's genuinely painful. Whatever bond we had feels long gone. He hates me I've not done anything to warrant this, I take care of him all day everyday 6 days a week. I cook all his meals. I bathe him. Nursed him for a year. I have tried so hard to be a good mum and he makes me feel like a complete failure. I would never of had kids if I had known This is what would it be like. His dad doesn't need to discipline him. He adores him and settles the second he sees him. I just spend hours dealing with the shit and being hit and bit until his dad comes home and magically everything is ok. Honestly want to get in the car and leave and never come back

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DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 16:54

Put him in nursery and give yourself a break. It also might tire him out and make him more compliant for you.

grapewine · 05/04/2021 16:54

I'd reassess arrangements and discuss going back to work and nursery. You sound completely worn down, understandably.

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 16:56

I work one day a week and an evening or two from home. I left my full time job for this so what I could be there for the first few years of his life. Mother and son time, because I thought I wanted to be there for those magical years whilst he was young. Not that I'd be hated because I'm 'always there and everyone else is a novelty" I am admitting defeat I can't do it I'm going to try and go back full time and someone else can bring up the child I desperately wanted to bring up myself. Such a failure how are there so many full time sahm mums that love it there kids have attachments to them regardless of the fact they are there all the time. I feel totally robbed

OP posts:
Afonavon · 05/04/2021 16:58

Urgh this brings back memories. It sounds shit, and it is shit. DD was like this, really seemed to dislike me, it affected out bond, and I don’t know why it happened. She has aspergers, maybe that was part of it, I have no real idea, just trying to find answers too. DD is now an adult and things are better, but it was bloody heart breaking. Looking back,if we could have afforded it, I think childcare would have been a healthier option for us, maybe that could work for you.

DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 16:58

Make sure dad does 50% of the childcare/nursery runs when you’re back at work.

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 17:00

I have multiple tiny balding looking patches where he has ripped my hair out multiple times a day. Bruises and teeth marks from biting. It's just not normal. And then people see him with his dad and say he's the sweetest cuddliest little boy. I'd get it if I was this awful mother who beat him and neglected him but I do everything for him and all I want to do is love him and have him love me. I am broken down I've been sold a complete lie about parenting. Everyone seems to be having a totally different experience to me. Im starting to wish I'd never had him he makes his dad so happy and loves him so much and he makes me want to jump off a cliff

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 05/04/2021 17:03

It sounds incredibly hard for you. Two is such a difficult age. A couple of suggestions which hopefully are helpful

  1. Lots of outdoor time. Tires them out and they are better behaved outside usually, because they are distracted.
  2. It’s not unusual for a toddler to have a favorite parent. It’s not personal. But it’s hard. What are you doing just for you? Going for a walk, seeing a friend, every just wandering round the supermarket. Leave your son with your DH then he will have to do some of the dull stuff too.
  3. Biting, hair pulling etc. they are all unacceptable. Look up some age appropriate discipline methods and implement them. I found ignoring or immediate consequences was best. No don’t hurt mummy that’s not nice or demonstration of gentle hands etc.
  4. Dad should not be ‘swooping in and everything is fine’ Your DH should be supporting you with the discipline - no we don’t hit/pull mummy’s hair. That’s not kind. Say sorry to mummy. Give mummy a kiss. And follow through. No kiss then sitting in the corner until apology. So you are working together as a team.
Your son does love you. It just sounds like it’s all got a bit much and you need a break. If you continue to feel like this don’t discount PND. It can some up later. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs
00100001 · 05/04/2021 17:09

How are you teaching him that pulling, hitting, biting etc is unwanted behaviour?

Serenschintte · 05/04/2021 17:09

Oh and the biting and hair pulling. Immediate, swift removal from you. He is 2 your are stronger. You grab his hands and you stop him. Then you move him away. If this means you have to have your hair tied up for a while or a hat that’s ok. Biting can be from frustration. Again biting is unacceptable. Immediate removal from you. You are the parent. You are the rational adult who is physically stronger.
One of my children was a biter. You say clearly no that hurts mummy no biting and move him swiftly and firmly away. You can restrain him if necessary. If DH is there then he can do the telling off. Firmly. If he cries or tries for Daddy cuddles or even laughs continue with the firmness. To say sorry - if he’s non verbal that’s a cuddle or a kiss for mummy. That’s non negotiable. Then carry on with you day. Line drawn.
My youngest was really hard hard work between 18 months to 4 years old. If he had been my first I’m not sure I would have had another. It’s a phase. I really think some toddlers hate being little and it’s frustrating for them.

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 17:16

When he has these fits of anger at me they can last hours. I will try and distract him. Try and get him a drink or a snack or distract him with a toy. He'll just sit on the floor and scream, he'll head butt the tiles, or the walls, run at me and thrash his arms at my legs. If I try and pick him up and give me a cuddle he will bite and rip my hair out. He'll struggle to get out of my arms. I'll try putting him in his cot to calm down and he will scream the house down. His dad comes home and it's like he presses a secret off button I don't know about and he's fine instantly. It's impossible to not take it personally. He'll be ok with me in short bursts when he's distracted but the second anything causes him to lose his temper he will be absolutely vile to me sometimes for hours/until I get his dad to come home. Having to ring his dad to come home from work because I can't cope is just degrading. How can I be so bad at this. Everyone says enjoy every second while they are little it goes so quick are they all just lying or am I just not cut out for this

OP posts:
Vooga · 05/04/2021 17:18

Go back to work. These years aren't magical, they're hard and boring at the same time. If you work you'll enjoy the time together much more rather than it just being an endless, miserable slog. I don't have advice about your son's behaviour but there are definitely other steps you can take to improve things

DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 17:18

Is he meeting all his milestones ? Other than this, do you have any concerns about him ?
Have you spoken to the Health Visitor about his behaviour ?

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 17:19

How can you even open to up to people about this. I honestly get scared to try and talk to a health visitor about this because if anyone witnessed how he is with me at these times I'm convinced they'd think I abuse him. It's that strong a reaction that he seems to hate me and be scared of me and not want to be anywhere near me. I tried to talk to my mum who just made me feel like total shit by going on about how she can't give me advice because we were all 'obsessed with her' she was a stay at home mum for 10 years! Says it was the best years of her life. How she will always miss young kids and how loved and needed they make you feel. Ha!!!

OP posts:
Adifferentstory2 · 05/04/2021 17:20

So so hard for you - sending love and wishes that things will get better. I’m no parenting expert (aside from having two) but it sounds like there is something going on. Not necessarily something which can’t be fixed quickly, but something which is causing you a lot of physical / emotional pain. Not fair to say what, but possibly needing more dad time (not just one day / nights). Possibly worth talking to a health visitor / GP / Googling to see what support there is locally for challenging behaviour (probably privately) to get some insight.

In the meantime, you are doing amazing just to keep going. Make a plan to increase your work, get him into nursery and give yourself a break. Thoughts are not facts - you might feel that he’s a demon / you’re not enough / it’s all going to shit but he’s not / you are and it won’t. Get whatever support you can from whoever you can too. There is nothing rosy about my home life in the main, so ignore all the perfect parenting sentiment and insta pics! X

00100001 · 05/04/2021 17:21

You need a break from each other.
Even if you put him into nursery on the days you aren't working!

It's hard to know why, I suppose without observing.

What happens when you just ignore the behaviour? Obviously remove him from you when he lashes out. But literally just ignore him? As hard as it is.

Also, has he always been like this? Or is it recent?

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 17:21

He's not seen a health visitor for over a year due to Covid. My only concern is his temper and attitude towards me. He talks well, eats well, is active, he's cuddly and affectionate with everyone bar me, the one day a week I work he goes to a childminder and she says he's a pleasure and is lovely with the other kids. She's not mentioned any concerns. The only thing that seems to be a problem is me. I don't know what I've done to deserve this

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 05/04/2021 17:23

I think Mum gut instinct is really important. You feel something is wrong. You are more than likely correct. Video the tantrums. Speak to your health visitor. Parenting is really hard. Maybe your son has some additional needs or maybe he doesn’t but it can still be investigated.
But for sure you need some breaks from this. Time to be you. If you cant be alone this is my suggestion: strap him firmly into his pushchair. Put in some earplugs and go for a really long walk. You will both benefit.

DinosaurDiana · 05/04/2021 17:23

The HV is the person you can tell it all too. She will have heard it before, and hopefully have come advice for you. The nursery nurses used to be very good at behaviour.

Soubriquet · 05/04/2021 17:23

I would be recording the behaviour and then seeing a health visitor because this is extreme and I don’t think entirely normal

I would also give yourself a break and put him in childcare

A bit of distance might help

Original poster
totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 17:26

He was fine with me as a baby, but as he's gotten older and more active he became more and more of a daddy's boy until it gradually become less about really loving his dad and more, well, hating me. His dad only has 1 day off a week which he spends at home with us and it's better that I've got that support and the episodes don't last hours as his dad is there to make it all better but he will still react extremely if I do something with him or if I dare try and comfort him if he gets upset

OP posts:
joystir59 · 05/04/2021 17:26

I think you deserve some time away from him. A bit of a reset for you both and time for you to reflect on triggers, reasons, solutions. And I think you need to seek professional help to understand and remedy what's going on as it sounds exhausting and just awful for both of you.

Embracelife · 05/04/2021 17:27

Speak to your h v

Go back to work

Toders do not "hate" but they communicate thru their aCtions but you can ask hv for support and toddler taming classes