My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

@totallydonetoddlermum

How can you even open to up to people about this. I honestly get scared to try and talk to a health visitor about this because if anyone witnessed how he is with me at these times I'm convinced they'd think I abuse him. It's that strong a reaction that he seems to hate me and be scared of me and not want to be anywhere near me. I tried to talk to my mum who just made me feel like total shit by going on about how she can't give me advice because we were all 'obsessed with her' she was a stay at home mum for 10 years! Says it was the best years of her life. How she will always miss young kids and how loved and needed they make you feel. Ha!!!

OP, you must stop saying that you have done something wrong, you are not cut out for this, bad mum etc. Please stop saying this. You sound like a really good mum who has thought about her childs needs every step so far. It’s NOT YOU! You need to speak to someone else about this- health visitor maybe who can suggest or refer you. Do not carry on like this indefinitely. Maybe your son has an extra need ie autism (not diagnosing just suggesting possibles) that is causing this behaviour. Some of what you are describing- the heat butting the floor and uncontrollable fits of anger and frustration sound like more to me. In my option it’s not just because you are the primary caregiver and your husband is a novelty. It’s more than that, but it’s not your fault

@totallydonetoddlermum

When he has these fits of anger at me they can last hours. I will try and distract him. Try and get him a drink or a snack or distract him with a toy. He'll just sit on the floor and scream, he'll head butt the tiles, or the walls, run at me and thrash his arms at my legs. If I try and pick him up and give me a cuddle he will bite and rip my hair out. He'll struggle to get out of my arms. I'll try putting him in his cot to calm down and he will scream the house down. His dad comes home and it's like he presses a secret off button I don't know about and he's fine instantly. It's impossible to not take it personally. He'll be ok with me in short bursts when he's distracted but the second anything causes him to lose his temper he will be absolutely vile to me sometimes for hours/until I get his dad to come home. Having to ring his dad to come home from work because I can't cope is just degrading. How can I be so bad at this. Everyone says enjoy every second while they are little it goes so quick are they all just lying or am I just not cut out for this

My oldest had a few tantrums like this. They got better when I worked out what worked her. At first i tried cuddling, talking to her but any interaction made it worse. What worked was sitting out of kicking range and very occasionally saying I’m here for a cuddle and eventually she would stop and climb onto my knee.

OK, this was my DS! And he’s currently 7 and snoring next to me after falling asleep in my bed. I had this exact problem until he was four, I sobbed every weekend that I had been robbed of the mother experience, he hated me, he ruined every holiday every bday party etc. Pls don’t wait till he’s four, like me, before you address this! Eventually my DH stepped in and told him over and over again to stop being rude to me. And yes it eventually worked and now I think my DH is actually jealous that DS prefers me sometimes 😄. My DH should have come to every damn party and stayed home until DA behaved better. I promise this will get better if you address it together!!

It sounds like a vicious circle to me. He picks up on you being stressed and acts up, which makes you more stressed.

Ignore any tantrums after making sure he is somewhere safe. Just calmly say "when you are calm, you can have a cuddle if you want one" but don't show you are upset. Just be matter of fact. When/if he comes to you then a quick cuddle and reassurance then matter of factly continue with your day. Don't make a big deal of it. So he doesn't get any attention for a tantrum and it doesn't generate an emotional response from you. Likewise for your partner. He should also ignore any tantrum so ds isn't getting an emotional response from him either. Again "when you are calm you can have a cuddle" from him but again a quick cuddle them move on with the day.
When he's not having a tantrum, give him positive attention and lots of excitement in your voice commenting on what you are both doing. In effect love bomb him when he is calm. Fake it till you make it, if you are feeling resentful towards him.

Make behaving positively a reward from both you and dh and a tantrum gets no reaction from both of you. Your partner is not helping by going in for big cuddles etc. That is undermining you and giving your child power. You should be a united front.

It sounds to me like your lo doesn't want to cuddle you, but will cuddle Dad because he is angry and melting down about something that happened whilst he was around you. So if you go to calm him, he is resenting you because you were around while it happened. But Dad steps in and makes it OK, because in his eyes, it wasn't his fault. And Dad has been the typical fun parent so can calm him, whilst you are the full time one who has to set all the boundaries, so he takes it out on you!
Terrible 2s are absolute awful if you have a strong willed child, if it were me and he were melting down and I'd offered distraction and comfort to no effect, I'd have a travel cot set up in a separate room and put him in that to thrash around in. Then go back and offer a cuddle and see if he then calms. One of mine literally needed this to break him out of the situation, which was the kindest thing to do.
My son recently went through an intense stage of tantrums at home so I did increase his pre school days and it has really helped, alongside using a reward chart and lots of praise, but he is older and can understand this a bit better.

Take the extra childcare, get Dad to also set the boundaries and not just comfort him, boundaries need to come from both of you, otherwise he will grow up playing one off against the other.
And it's OK to not enjoy the hard parts, hopefully it will just be a phase and you will be out of this part soon, as he talks more the tantrums lessen

OP your 2 year old does not hate you. You sound like you are struggling with postnatal depression.

What is his dad doing when he gets home? Dose his Dad talk to him on the phone. If that was my DH and he didn’t discipline that behaviour I’d be furious at him for enabling it.

DH needs to become the bad guy whether he likes it or not. My 3yo can be a complete demon and recently pushed me too far when I was at the school gate, it was so embarrassing having to physically force her into the car, all the other parent had left and I still couldn’t get her in. My DH was the bad guy dishing out punishment and telling her she dose not treat me that way. I never had it with my older 2 really, but I still use the wait till your father gets home on them.

You should not be physically attacked by your child. If mine did that they would be pushed away from me and definitely not allowed cuddles until they calmed down. If your worried about injuries, is there a safe area they can be banished to? I would definitely set up a naughty corner somewhere. I never liked them but my DH was the first one to put our DCs in the corner and I have to admit it definitely works. I’m very much the type of parent who will stare at my child while they are kicking off and say calmly, your going to hurt yourself, did that hurt, well it’s your own fault. Or I will walk away and ignore them if it’s happening at home.

You DH should not have to come home from work to deal with this. If your DS is kicking off your partner needs to get on the phone and tell him off, tell him a daddy is NOT coming home to naughty behaviour, that unless he says sorry to mummy and dose as he is told Daddy will be very cross with him. His Dad should definitely NOT be rewarding his behaviour with kisses and cuddles.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds really tough. I would definitely echo pps advice to speak to the HV. Even if there isn’t something underlying eg SEN they can advise on support/coping mechanisms.

Have you noticed any patterns in his behaviour? If he’s getting over tired or having bowel issues or eating something that doesn’t agree with him? I feel like a lot of toddler wrangling is about trying to interpret what they’re communicating with their behaviour. And I really doubt it’s that he doesn’t like you. With my eldest it was all down to constipation. My youngest is much more chilled but gets worse when she is stuck on a developmental phase.

As for going back to work full time, I’m not sure. I find it hard juggling full time work and small children, especially as they’re more tired and apt to act up by the end of the week. But omg your DP! Of course he loves parenting if he gets to carry on as normal but with lovely snuggles of an evening. I’d love that too! He needs to get on board with actual parenting and helping share your burden. Good luck!

His dad doesn't need to discipline him.

Yes he does, and when you say if his dad's there he makes it all OK I'm guessing that means he picks him up and cuddles him. That's a 2 year old who knows how to get his own way and his dad conspires with him.

When you and dad are there, dad cuddles DS for a bit, then says, firmly and matter of factly, 'time to go to Mummy'. And hands him over. When DS kicks or bites or pulls your hair, dad tells him in a tone of voice that says he means it, 'Stop that. You don't hurt Mummy.' Then he doesn't allow DS to come back to him, but reiterates that it's time to go to Mummy. If dad never disciplines him then he needs to start, instead of being the nice dad, the cuddles dad. DS won't like it at first, but he'll get the idea.

And yes to dad cuddling you before he goes to DS when he gets in from work.

It doesn’t sound like depression at all to me (though you may be very worn down). I’ve only read the first few pages and OPs posts but this really stood out for me

That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once.

This is what my ds was like and despite being very clever he is also autistic. The best thing to do is keep a very detailed diary and see if you can see what’s triggering the really hard behaviour.

The end of the day is always the hardest. You know your partner will be home soon but not when, you are both tired and cranky....it’s hard work especially with a more challenging child. Get a box and fill it with things to do/distract yourselves. I used to put them in bags so I could just reach in when things were going to go wrong. (Eg a balloon, soap bubbles, play dough, plastic animals, balls, bubble bath, sand...) you can make lists of things that he likes doing to look at when your exhausted. Try a visual timetable to help him know what’s happening in the day, (it’s just a timetable with pictures for each event).

It doesn’t sound like you’re average experience so you will need to do things slightly differently. You sound like a fabulous loving mum having a really difficult time with a child who has unmet needs.

I'd deffo put him to nursery even a few mornings a week.

OP, that sounds brutally hard.

You do not need to be his punchbag in order to be a loving mother to him. If he deliberately hurts you then he is told off and goes into a “time out” space until he has calmed down and says sorry. Every time.

When he’s calm, tell him “I know you’re upset that Daddy is at work. We all love Daddy, don’t we? He’ll be home later and he’ll be so happy to see you then. Let’s go to the park /draw him a picture / make mud pies / do something fun now though”.

DF needs to step up and discipline. So rather than coming home for cuddles and fun when DS has been awful to you, he comes home and tells DS he needs to behave for Mummy, Says “you must never hurt Mummy. You must not bite her or pull her hair or hit her ever again”. Gets DS to say “sorry” to you and to give you a hug to “make it up”. DH also needs to make sure he talks you up and makes you part of positive things. He needs to be very clearly on your side, so if DC to mistreats you he behaves EXACTLY the same as he would if DC had done the same to him.

You need a break (actually you need regular breaks!). This is a really difficult situation so don’t feel like you have to shoulder it all the time.
DH tastes a week off and does all the parenting duties for that week? Childcare or grandparents for a couple mornings a week? Both?

@Feedingthebirds1

His dad doesn't need to discipline him.

Yes he does, and when you say if his dad's there he makes it all OK I'm guessing that means he picks him up and cuddles him. That's a 2 year old who knows how to get his own way and his dad conspires with him.

When you and dad are there, dad cuddles DS for a bit, then says, firmly and matter of factly, 'time to go to Mummy'. And hands him over. When DS kicks or bites or pulls your hair, dad tells him in a tone of voice that says he means it, 'Stop that. You don't hurt Mummy.' Then he doesn't allow DS to come back to him, but reiterates that it's time to go to Mummy. If dad never disciplines him then he needs to start, instead of being the nice dad, the cuddles dad. DS won't like it at first, but he'll get the idea.

And yes to dad cuddling you before he goes to DS when he gets in from work.

A child can cuddle/spend time with who they like, a bit weird imo to use it as some sort of control.

It sounds like you are having such a tough time 😢... one thing .. when he has bit you /pulled your hair etc how does your husband react? Does he discipline him the same? Sending lots of love it's so hard xx

He sounds like an extremely sensitive child

Who is craving some time of mental and physical challenges to make him feel like he broke that baby year bond and is accepted into the next stage of independence

I would first be kind to urself. So what it takes to find your equilibrium. Right now you’re burnt out and frankly this dynamic doesn’t work for anybody and it’s not cos ur a bad SAHM but it’s because you’re husband is almost absent and you’re feeling lonely. Your relationship needs work. And being your maximum potential won’t happen until you are asking for your rights and also being kind to yourself. So remove the FOG of all those traditionalist expectations and obligations as a mother. All children want from u is for you to be strong enough to face life with them. It’s not a specific role you have to fulfill at all.

Second of all.. your son is probably giving a shout out for independence. He might’ve learnt w pattern that when he screams the house down you call dad and so he is doing that so he gets that outcome..

Dad for him is independence. He will come to you when he feels vulnerable, hungry, sleepy, tired and emotional. But to dad he goes when he wants some confidence that he is capable and independent.

If you want to tip that balance I believe you need to do things that are very fatherly with him.. such as teach him a new skill per day. Something that would “impress dad” or impress outer society with other kids. Maybe teach him to play with the ball? Or to make a craft etc. Anything that’s of his own inclination. Spend 20 mins per day doing something of his own choice..

When dad comes let him wrestle physically with dad. Tell him dad likes wrestling with him but mum doesn’t. If he hits mum then he loses privilege to wrestle. Ur husband needs to enforce it.

Secondly, your DH needs to hug and kiss you more Infront of your son. That’s the only way your son will cuddle up to u and see it as a grown up thing to do. U need more happy times as a famiky. So if you going to work will reduce the working hours s on ur husband then do that. So you have more time as a famiky.

However if husband is a workaholic you need to find a way for him to carve time wit the kids. Definately makes all the difference.

And do not tolerate physical violance form your son. The moment he hits you, ignore him and move him away.

Do not cry or call out for help or sound distressed. This is going to give him an unhealthy feeling of power in this power struggle.

He is omly 2. You can handle this and assert boundaries. But I think your over Inflated expectations of the “bond” is making you extra emotional.

Speak to other parents and health visitors about specific power struggle scenariou. You would find it’s all similar but your sons react his bare excessive because he is getting what he ways your you’re giving in.

Don’t give in.

Children respond to their environment and how it makes them feel.
He will be picking up on your stress and the fact you are struggling. That's scary for him so he reacts to it.
You have also taught him to play up you get rewarded by daddy coming back.
Look at how relaxed dad is and how stressed you are. You may need support for your stress. Be kind to yourself. Seek support to help you.

This is so so similar to a previous thread. Anyone else remember it? It's almost identical.

If someone can recall it OP then they can link you to it as it was full of advice

You do sound like an amazingly caring mother to me.. you’re heart is set in the right place and you clearly put exceptional efforts.

COVID is really hard. And Isolation meant we had to figure things out without support.. and that’s not always easy... especially at the toddler stage and what leads up to it

But it’s ok. You can come back from this. There is nothing wrong with you or baby or your family. You Just need to focus on having a unique approach for your dynamics and not be your own worst critic

@Babyiskickingmyribs

OP, I don’t think this will be a magic bullet or anything but I have a suggestion for when you call your DP home from work because your son is behavior is impossible. What would happen if the first thing that your DP does, instead of cuddling your son, is to hug you, in front of your son. This might help break the cycle of back behavior = dad comes to the rescue. Might help with the process of learning empathy too.

I saw something similar on that old show the house of tiny tearaways. The child was definitely older but the Dr made the dad show lots of love and affection to the mother.

OP have you explained to your partner exactly how you are feeling? your suicidal thoughts and so on, you sound like you have been pushed to your limit and it's time for your partner to step up now and take some time off work.

I really feel for you, this is not your fault in any way.

Op I have been there too with my 3rd dc (boy) at the same age. Ds is now 8. If he’d been the first it would have put me off for life. (His older dd’s were so different and a much more enjoyable experience).

Ds was a nightmare from 18m-4. Improved massively on starting school. No sen just such hard work, crying, hurting and reducing me to tears most days (having already had 2 older dd)

I had the preferring daddy phase for over a year (having said that both dd’s were mummy’s girls so I couldn’t really complain). This included one holiday abroad where ds only wanted dh to play with him and screamed like mad saying go away if I tried to look after him. It was so embarrassing.

He also had screaming tantrums, including hurting me regularly, sometimes for no particular reason. Nothing I did would help and I learnt just to let him get on with it. It was exhausting. I also had to call dh a few times to come and sort him out, including once when I could not physically get him in a car seat for hurting me.

To reassure you, things much improved on starting school and he also eventually went through a mummy is favourite stage!

It did take the gloss off the first few years though and I did increase his nursery days from 2 to 3 and worked 2.5 to give myself a half day break. I put it down to boys being harder work and more physical as my dd’s were so much easier but maybe it’s just different personalities.

I agree with the other posters that your DH needs to discuss the day's behaviour with your child each time he comes home: no immediate cuddles, no swooping in. If your son prizes the novelty of your partner, his behaviour will be punished by his dad being disappointed in him.

I agree with this too. I wonder if you could video some of the day and the tantrums and then later let the dad watch it with your toddler and tell him that is very naughty and poor, poor mummy and then gives you a big cuddle and so on.

@Ridgere

When he has these fits of anger at me they can last hours. I will try and distract him. Try and get him a drink or a snack or distract him with a toy. He'll just sit on the floor and scream, he'll head butt the tiles, or the walls, run at me and thrash his arms at my legs. If I try and pick him up and give me a cuddle he will bite and rip my hair out. He'll struggle to get out of my arms. I'll try putting him in his cot to calm down and he will scream the house down

There are two possibilities here:

1. He's acting like a normal toddler and you're exaggerating his behaviour or just unable to deal with normal toddler behaviour, in which case you need to speak to someone and get good help.

2. His behaviour really is extreme and beyond "normal" toddler behaviour, in which case you need to speak to someone and get good help.

So either way, you need help. No good keeping quiet and suffering alone.

I probably wouldn’t have put it as bluntly, but I definitely agree with this. If you can afford it I’d probably ask the childminder to have him for two extra mornings a week, then he should be tired enough to have a decent nap in the afternoon and you have time to recharge in the mornings. Is he getting enough sleep generally? My DC has Autism and has meltdowns at home, but is impeccably behaved at school and was at nursery. He holds it all in and becomes anxious, then let’s it out at home when he feels safe enough to. I’m not suggesting your son has SEN but if he’s finding being a toddler frustrating he may be taking it out on you because your his main care giver. I know you’re sick of hearing that, but I really don’t think it’s your fault.

That sounds tough OP and extreme behaviour obviously borne out of frustration and the fact he is just a toddler. I don't blame you for feeling worn down with it and returning to work for a few more days if you just work one day a week may be best for your sanity. I don't doubt his behaviour may have something to do with the fact he hardly sees his Dad but I am not sure calling him back from work when he acts out is the way to cope with it. In your sons eyes if he rejects you then he gets his wish of his dad reappearing which only perpetuates him acting out for you until you cannot stand it any more.

Lots of toddlers have a favourite parent at some stage or another but you should both support each other so you and your DH need to agree a consistent approach to dealing with the biting and hair pulling. I would not try and cuddle him when it obviously makes him worse. Just put him somewhere safe on a time out step or chair or something and make him say sorry to you when he has calmed down a bit. Try and think of fun things you can do with him and lots of exercise and outdoor stuff. It will get better as he gets older.

It is important to remember you haven't failed. I wasn't keen on the toddler years and went back to work part time when my youngest was 2. My daughter has a 2 year old and a 5 year old and both of them at various times have favoured their father which is hurtful for her but it is just a stage and will pass. However young he is though the hair pulling and biting is unacceptable so be firm about that and make sure your DH is the same.

You need to contact your HV tomorrow op as you really need some help with this, you can't carry on any longer if you are feeling this bad.

What does your DH say about the situation?

Does he reprimand DS for his behaviour towards you, as others have said?

You're probably right that he has already realised how to get daddy home by carrying on the tantrum, but it does sound very extreme behaviour to me.. Please take that first step and get help, no one will judge you.

This sounds awful and the way you describe how he aims only at you and for long periods of time really does sound like something is off. I second what other people have said, record his meltdowns/rage and show it to your health visitor. There may very well be something going on that needs to be addressed professionally.
Sorry your having such a crap time. You definitely need time away from him too, nursery ect your emotional well being is important too.