My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

Op this isn't normal. Do you discipline him when he's biting you/pulling your hair etc? Do you have boundaries? If you don't, you need to start now before it gets worse.

Short piece on attunement.
cdikids.org/autism/power-attunement/

Are you well yourself OP? Could you see a doctor and check for low mood?

He doesn't prefer Daddy.Daddy is like Father Christmas and needs to be a parent.

OP, I don’t think this will be a magic bullet or anything but I have a suggestion for when you call your DP home from work because your son is behavior is impossible. What would happen if the first thing that your DP does, instead of cuddling your son, is to hug you, in front of your son. This might help break the cycle of back behavior = dad comes to the rescue. Might help with the process of learning empathy too.

@AvaCallanach

Btw It's highly unlikely you will get DLA for an undiagnosed toddler, particularly when you haven't accessed support from any external agencies yet.

After initially being turned down, I asked for a Mandatory Reconsideration where DWP then accepted our application and my 2 year old son started receiving DLA. My DS was later diagnosed with Autism aged 3 years old.

Can you create a safe area where he can soothe himself and can’t bang his head? Put some favourite toys there, or put the TV or radio on if that might calm him. Then you can watch him without needing to get close enough to be bitten.

Then, as others have said, your DP needs to work shorter hours and/or you need to put him into childcare. You clearly need a break. There’s nothing wrong with using childcare. It doesn’t mean you’re not bringing him up.

I used to regularly babysit a child who had very similar behaviours, mainly around his mum. He was later diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and with the right support (at home and school) he has become a lot less violent. I’m not saying your DS has anything like this, but it might be worth a word with the HV. Whether or not he does get diagnosed, his behaviour doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Aaaaaand this is why I work full time and leave the toddler taming to the professionals.

In all seriousness though OP, have a look at Big Little Feelings on Instagram. My 22 month old loves an epic tantrum and they've really helped me get them under control.

Both my boys were difficult. I didn’t think they didn’t love me but I’m certainly found their behaviour frustrating and I’m nothing like the Mother I thought I’d be. I have had to be very strong and forthright where I envisaged lots of time crafting and reading. You have to bend to their needs in the end and patent accordingly.

What has worked for us is consistency and routine. Plus lots of love but also appropriate discipline for aggression and destroying the house. Nowadays my eight year old is generally absolutely fine and my five year old is much, much better. We still get biting and hitting but not very often and the Time Out that goes with it is accepted.

@dementedma Did you have PND? I had PND after a traumatic birth and it did affect the bond. She's primary school age and things are better now, she still is more loving however still wants DH more.

@Namechange1991x It's so hard

My DD preferred my DH, she wasn't violent but it was very upsetting. I was the one doing the donkey work, he was the favourite parent. Things are better now, possibly because I have a younger child who is the polar opposite. I didn't enjoy the early years with her at all, it was a constant battle. I only realised how bad it was when I had DD2 who was much easier and everything "flowed" instead of constant battles. I'd speak to your HV and check for any additional needs, I think my DD may have ASD/ADHD.

It makes me so sad to hear those of you struggling with difficult toddlers; whilst my son wasn’t aggressive, he was utterly utterly miserable ALL of the time. He just sobbed angrily constantly. I was so so worn down by it, I sometimes look back and wonder how TF I got through it. I remember one mum really unhelpfully telling her older daughter at a playgroup that “maybe he just needs a hug”....as if I hadn’t tried that. However, I look at him now (aged 5 1/2) and can’t believe it’s the same child. My friends and I joke that he just hated being a toddler.

I completely disagree that you need help with your parenting; it truly sounds like you’re trying your hardest, and usually comes from people who have no clue what it’s like to live with a truly difficult child.

I do think that some time apart will be absolutely beneficial to you, but appreciate the current circumstances don’t really lend themselves to that.

Really hope you’re ok. Not everyone enjoys the baby / toddler years; I thought they were by far the hardest.

How much time does his dad spend with him on his working days? It sounds to me like your son really misses him and it's causing him to act out.

You should also remember that to your DS, mummy has always been there and that your love is unconditional. It's because he feels secure with you that he knows he's safe to show you his frustrations.

It is really hard though and I feel for you massively. I would speak to your HV or GP and see what they suggest.

@badg3r

It's not your fault and you're not doing anything wrong.

When your DP gets back,he should be on your side. "Why have your been hitting mummy? That's not kind, I'm sad to hear you have been like this to her." Not swooping in with hugs and giggles. If you feel sad, he should look sad too.

If they don't want interaction during a meltdown then just let them get on with it. Stay in the room, tell them you are there for them when they are ready, and let them get the anger out. One of mine was like this, they needed time without interaction to be angry and then once they had calmed down could talk.

What is your routine like? Our kids have to be outside by 10.30 or it is game over for the day! Are the meltdowns at the same time each day? Mine have struggled around 2-4pm round that age so I always had a pocketful of bribes for if we needed to be out and about, mostly chocolate coins and babybel.

And I echo what others have said too, if you can then up the nursery or childminder hours and work a bit more. You will still have plenty of time together.

Finally, and most importantly, since this is affecting your mental health please get done hello for it. Nobody will judge you or think you have failed. Good luck.

Totally agree. Your DH needs to come home and do as suggest above. “Why have you been hitting mummy?” Etc. He needs to Back you up.

@Wearywithteens

“I feel like I got given the gift of this gorgeous cuddly baby for said baby to just take it away from me by turning on me like this and withdrawing all affection.”

I’m concerned that throughout this whole thread you’re addressing the problem as something your toddler is doing to you personally - you feel he hates you, he is only acting like this with you and not appreciating all you do for him and now in this post you’re attributing his behaviour to ‘turning on you’ and ‘withdrawing affection’. This is wrong - your child is demonstrating behaviour of frustration - nothing more - it’s not personal! He doesn’t have the development to be manipulative in the way you describe.

You need to focus less on ‘why is doing this to me’ and more on ‘how can I support this very distressed little boy’. I personally think you need to speak to a health visitor who can do some checks. He either needs early help for undiagnosed issues or you need some support in parenting.

I'm sure this isn't the easiest post on this thread to read, but I think it's very important. Whatever's going on in this dynamic (and, like PPs, I reckon something sensory is at least part of it), the motivations you're projecting onto him will be perpetuating it. It's there in your title - he 'treats [you] like absolute shit' - that's a very, very adult behaviour to project onto a tiny boy who is simply communicating his distress. You're concerned about 'feel[ing] loved by [your] own kid' - there's something about the insult to your image of yourself as a mother which is obscuring the central issue here.

Time out, 'discipline' etc isn't going to help with what is effectively still a baby - I can't stress this enough - I find sometimes people who are parents only to small children lose sight of how small and young they still really are. You need professional support to unpack this, which might involve a degree of reflecting on yourself and how motherhood has been for you so far.

My preschooler is on the difficult end of the scale. A few things that have helped are keeping sugar out of the diet as much as possible (we snack of cold sausage, poppadums, cold chicken dippers etc), spend as much time outside as possible. In the morning in the garden sandpit, water tray, washing toys, bubble bath in water tray (it is a large black tray, type normally found in a greenhouse), foot ball, obstacle course, pegging washing out. Afternoons push and walk out a good 3 miles. That only leaves the difficult bit between dinner and bed.
Have a bath in the morning or afternoon as it passes the time.

When mine was violent towards me I put in him the garden and closed the door. He howled for quite some time and then calmed down and came back in. I did have to do it a couple of times before the penny dropped and I had tried all the usual methods first.
It’s really hard and exhausting. My DS might be ASD or the difficulties may be down to speech problems.

Ugh love to you . I’m no expert but but in this situation I would ask his dad to book immediate time off work, a week or longer. The first few days are for you, go for walks, lock yourself in the bathroom to get space, sit outside at a cafe, then after that try to tackle his behaviour with some of the great suggestions here. Let dad sit on the sidelines and watch what happens. Make sure he’s the one who says not to hurt mummy and repeat.

Other than that lots of play outside, possibly paddling pool with balls to take out energy and rage. Jumping into stacked cushions things like that xx

Oh goodness, @totallydonetoddlermum

There is a lot to unscramble here.

Firstly, your son loves you. You are his anchor, and his everything. He isn't old enough to know any different. You're sick of people saying he is all cuddly with his dad because he sees him relatively little - but it's true.

My very long experience tells me that we all have phases with children which we find easier, and those which are complete hell. I loved mine as babies, obviously - but I found them a bit boring (so shoot me now). I absolutely loved every second of them being toddlers. The bit from 5-11 was fine, but unmemorable. The teenage years, with one in particular, have been an unmitigated nightmare. I have gone to bed many, many times crying because everything she does suggests that she loathes me. It is like wading through mud and treacle combined. I hate every minute of it. Yet other people love the teenage years (and, it's true, I only have one who has made me question why I bother remaining alive - but even then, I can't say that teenagers have given me joy in the way that toddlers did).

I think parenting is a very, very long haul. If you can get through this bit, it will seem like a bad dream once you have a school-aged child. Your DS will probably be a dream teenager whom you thoroughly enjoy.

I know this sounds trite, but it isn't meant to. It's just that parenting can be really, really hard.

If we left our two with my parents for a couple of hours the minute we walked in the door they started to play up, my mother used to be so upset with them because they never misbehaved for them.

That’s really serious behaviour. What does your husband think about your bruises and missing chunks of hair? He needs to be way more supportive instead of just enjoying a day a week of being Fun Dad. He’s without doubt part of the problem.

Yes to sending him to nursery like PPs have suggested. It will probably be very good for him as well as giving you respite.

My dd went through a phase of not liking me round about that age. Not violent like your son but it was still hurtful. Then I went away for a few days to look after my mum after she had an operation. When I got back dd was a different child. She didn’t reject me again after that. My mum said it was because dd realised for the first time that it was possible for me to not be there, and I’m sure she was right.

Right now your son is being rewarded for this behaviour by receiving no consequences, your continued love and care, and Swooping Fun Dad’s attention. He’s learning that Mummy can be his punchbag. I’m certain this pattern can be broken.

BTW, one of mine has ASD (it had a different name in those days). That child has been the easiest teenager!

IME, what toddlers want is endless attention. If they're not getting it any other way, crying, biting and hitting are obvious ways to get it.

So you need to be calm but firm with those behaviours. They can't be allowed, but low voice, clear, no attention.

I think one reason my toddlers were ok was that I gave them endless attention - reading, playing, etc, etc. I spent several years sitting on the floor. I didn't do any much housework, though.

I'm not going to dismiss SEN, because obviously that is a possibility, but I think sometimes these things can be so much to do with how we perceive things.

With DS1 I put so much pressure on both of us to do things perfectly. I didn't bond quickly or easily with him, I always tended to approach everything he did like a problem to be solved. It was something wrong with him or with me. His big emotions made me cross or embarrassed. Sometimes I've felt like I truly didn't like him.

With DS2 everything came completely naturally. I just have an intrinsic, unshakeable belief that he is good and perfect in his soul and I can just absorb any tantrum without it affecting my mood, because I know he isn't bad and I know I haven't done anything wrong, he's just tired/frustrated/hungry/two-and-half. I see myself as a big soft cushion, absorbing his anger, keeping him safe - no judgement or feelings attached.

I don't think there's anything fundamentally different between my children, I just saw them differently because of experience/hormones/pnd whatever it was. When I've been struggling with DS1 I've found it helpful to step back, remind myself he's too little to be doing on purpose, try to put myself in his shoes. Try my absolute best to be the emotiinally mature adult he needs me to be. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've had to learn, but we are getting there. I would recommend reading 'how to talk so children listen' and the 'aha parenting' website. They're both very helpful

That sounds rough.

I wonder if you are so nervous now of him having outbursts for hours you are anxious and right and he's then feeding off this?

When he's having these meltdowns you are trying to console and the result is he hurts you.

Instead try just sitting as a bystander and when he's calm offer cuddles etc.

Sometimes when it gets like this the parents try too hard and actually that effort means you stifle the child and the result is this.

Agree too about increasing time for you to work. You deserve to feel equal in the family and get what you need as well as being a mum.

Please go to your health visitor. My youngest was like this. He is autistic, with Sensory Processing issues on top. We've had a lot of help, and he is much better, but can still be quite violent.

It might not be that though, he might just need strategies to help with communication... it could be anything, but that's what the HV and all the other professionals are there for.

I also can't help but question that if dad can come home when called at the drop of a hat he doesn't actually need to be at work as much as he is?

No boss will allow their employee to just leave early this often if they actually had to be there!

I agree with the other posters that your DH needs to discuss the day's behaviour with your child each time he comes home: no immediate cuddles, no swooping in. If your son prizes the novelty of your partner, his behaviour will be punished by his dad being disappointed in him.

I don't spend much time at home due to work (as in, often no evenings with my children either for weeks at a time), my DH is the primary caregiver 90% of the time. When possible, I do a lunchtime check in via facetime to make sure everything is going well. That breaks up the absence a little bit and gives DH some leverage of immediate feedback from me on the occasions things are getting out of control behaviour wise. While it's tempting to want to launch into love and cuddles, it's my responsibility to my husband (and my children, as this impacts their future!) not to do so. Sounds like your husband needs to realise this.

If going back to work is the right move for your mental health at this point, it's the right move. Children evade the best laid plans, and it's important to recognise that a decision to change plans is NOT failure. It's iterative decision making, which is complex, so well done you!

Do PM me if you like. We can compare notes. Once DS kicked me so hard in the gut that one of my stretch marks burst and bled. That was a low point.