My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

How you doing OP?

@DeepThinkingGirl

He sounds like an extremely sensitive child

Who is craving some time of mental and physical challenges to make him feel like he broke that baby year bond and is accepted into the next stage of independence

I would first be kind to urself. So what it takes to find your equilibrium. Right now you’re burnt out and frankly this dynamic doesn’t work for anybody and it’s not cos ur a bad SAHM but it’s because you’re husband is almost absent and you’re feeling lonely. Your relationship needs work. And being your maximum potential won’t happen until you are asking for your rights and also being kind to yourself. So remove the FOG of all those traditionalist expectations and obligations as a mother. All children want from u is for you to be strong enough to face life with them. It’s not a specific role you have to fulfill at all.

Second of all.. your son is probably giving a shout out for independence. He might’ve learnt w pattern that when he screams the house down you call dad and so he is doing that so he gets that outcome..

Dad for him is independence. He will come to you when he feels vulnerable, hungry, sleepy, tired and emotional. But to dad he goes when he wants some confidence that he is capable and independent.

If you want to tip that balance I believe you need to do things that are very fatherly with him.. such as teach him a new skill per day. Something that would “impress dad” or impress outer society with other kids. Maybe teach him to play with the ball? Or to make a craft etc. Anything that’s of his own inclination. Spend 20 mins per day doing something of his own choice..

When dad comes let him wrestle physically with dad. Tell him dad likes wrestling with him but mum doesn’t. If he hits mum then he loses privilege to wrestle. Ur husband needs to enforce it.

Secondly, your DH needs to hug and kiss you more Infront of your son. That’s the only way your son will cuddle up to u and see it as a grown up thing to do. U need more happy times as a famiky. So if you going to work will reduce the working hours s on ur husband then do that. So you have more time as a famiky.

However if husband is a workaholic you need to find a way for him to carve time wit the kids. Definately makes all the difference.

And do not tolerate physical violance form your son. The moment he hits you, ignore him and move him away.

Do not cry or call out for help or sound distressed. This is going to give him an unhealthy feeling of power in this power struggle.

He is omly 2. You can handle this and assert boundaries. But I think your over Inflated expectations of the “bond” is making you extra emotional.

Speak to other parents and health visitors about specific power struggle scenariou. You would find it’s all similar but your sons react his bare excessive because he is getting what he ways your you’re giving in.

Don’t give in.

Very good advice here

This is mumsnet so I will trot out the truism... you don't have a toddler problem, you have a DH problem.

We went to see a psychologist because I was so scared by my son's behaviour, and within 10 mins she told us it was us, not him.

DH absolutely has to get in on the co- parenting, getting cross, as others have said, demanding he kisses you better, says sorry, if he's hurt you, made you sad.

He needs to model being lovely to mummy, it all sounds ridiculous, but it absolutely works. You need to parent the same way, all the time.

Dh needs to have expectations of his son. We used "123 magic", it's easy, quick to assimilate, even dh who finds it impossible to do anything that's not for work or that he hasn't thought of himself, there are DVDs so you don't even have to read the book.

We started on a Thursday, By Sunday night we were on an even keel.

I'm so sorry, it's awful, and yes I felt as bleak as you. Expect more of your partner, demand more. Or show him this thread.

lots of these, OP. I've definitely had periods where I was certain I wasn't cut out to raise the children I wanted to have since I was 8, and have definitely been convinced they'd be better off without me around.

This year and last have really, really sucked for all of us. Children included. My own children were not themselves in 2020: they're 7 and recently 4, and their mental health was definitely affected by these lockdowns. We actually had the health visitor round for DD2 last summer, because she was so aggressive with all of us, and DH and I were out of ideas. When the schools reopened, and she went to school nursery, it was like the sun came out. She really badly needed to play with other children her age. Staying home with just us for several months straight was not normal.

My DDs nursery also reassured me once that it is really normal for little ones to bottle up their feelings around people they're less attached with (displaying "good" behavior) and letting it all hang out with the people they're most securely attached to (the most challenging behavior... because as badly as it sucks, the child is certain you can handle it).

I wonder if your boy is craving stimulation and socialisation. And, unfortunately, letting every scary feeling he has out with you, because he knows Mama will still be there.

I've found Janet Lansburys approach to toddler discipline the most useful for us: "I can see you're having a hard time, I'm here when you're ready for a cuddle. But I won't let you hit me." Boundaries, delivered with compassion. She has a Facebook page and podcast where you can access a lot of her advice for free.

And if there are any playgroups or twos groups getting ready to reopen soon where you are, get in touch with the organisers and get his name on their lists. Even a tots group where he gets to go mad with a few toys that aren't at home, play next to some new children, and you get a cuppa and a biscuit and make small talk.

This year and last have been so upside-down for children and parents alike. It really isn't aligned at all with how we normally develop and bring up our families. The circumstances have made things that were already challenging feel so much harder. You're not alone with how you feel. Get as much real-life support in as you can, so you and he can both get more of what you need.

Hi,

First off you are a good mum and doing a good job - mums don’t hear this enough! Parenting a toddler is hard and thankless. I couldn’t wait to be a mum and was shocked at how hard it was. I found my DS really difficult from 1.5-2.5 he is very physical and strong, very demanding and quick. As the constant in his life you will see him at his worst because he feels safest with you to let it all out!

Sounds like he needs more time with his dad (rather than not wanting to be with you). Could you turn this into a positive with your DS - “we’re really looking forward to seeing daddy later, I miss him too, shall we draw him a picture?” etc. Does your DH take him for the whole day he has off work? I do understand that you need his dad to help you (as he should!) but you must also show your son that you are confident and strong enough to deal with his behaviour - perhaps he’s sensing your uncertainty? Even when you don’t feel it you have to fake it! I strongly recommend reading ‘No Bad Kids’ by Janet Lansbury, this transformed my relationship with my DS.

Take time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it. You will feel more able to deal with the difficult behaviour after.

Be outside as much as possible - my DS is like a different child outside; much calmer and gives me more space. Also nursery a couple of mornings a week has been a godsend.

My DS improved dramatically as he started talking and I realised that most of the very challenging behaviour was frustration. It will get better but also you must ask for help and take it whenever you can. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum, we are not meant to do this alone! It will get better and you are strong enough to get through it xx

Yes to a play pen, not terribly fashionable but useful. Time out, time to go the bathroom.

Toddlers are bloody hard work, a few of the things you've mentioned about your son rang bells for me, I think it would be worth discussing his behaviours with your GP or the health visitor.

In terms of what you expected vs the reality of parenting, perhaps what you had in your head was unrealistic? I have an autistic DS and I know that the things I thought we would be doing together, or chatting about, are not actually going to be in our future. Some parents grieve for that but I just think I was being unreasonable. Who was I to project all these things onto someone who hadn't even been born yet?

@totallydonetoddlermum

Get back to working some more hours if you can that's probably the best idea. 1 day at nursery isn't very much I'd up it to 3-4 days and take some time for you.

2 year olds are notoriously tiring aren't they. I work 4 days with a 6 and 2 year old I go to work for a rest 😂 it's less stressful than being home all the time!

Not sure if you’ll see this, I know these posts were from a while back. Just wanted to say I hope you’re doing alright.

“When mine was violent towards me I put in him the garden and closed the door. He howled for quite some time and then calmed down and came back in.”

I used to do this too - but not any more! A neighbour reported me to social services for neglect as my dd would kick and scream let me in. The door was shut and she wouldn’t open it as she knew she wasn’t calm but they said I’d locked her out. I hadn’t and I could see her through the window at all times. The garden gate was locked so she was safe but the house door wasn’t! She was only ever put there for 4 mins (1 min for each year of her life). I was a teacher so absolutely horrified of the accusation.

OP I totally feel for you and unfortunately I have no advise as we are still going through a lot of what you have said. Just don’t give up and know that it’s not you and you’re child(ren) need and love you (even when they don’t show it).

Hope things get better for everyone.

Ps people should be supportive not critical - you never know what’s round the corner in your life.

I honestly feel to pain, my son is 16 months I work full time always have as I run my own business. Every day I struggle it’s not enjoyable he bites, screams pulls my hair full blown tantrums. Second fun daddy is there good as gold. It pisses me off I’ve tried doing fun stuff, today was zoo park and walking to eat outside feed the ducks. But no… still treats me like shit. The only saving grace has been the fact I drop him to a child minder and go to work and get a break. I believe he will grow out of it, I just don’t know why he does it, I look after him and love him and it’s just so difficult. I have my second due in 4 weeks and I am dreading it, the thought of two children like it horrifies me. I hoped he would get better and I wouldn’t spend every day counting minutes til bedtime.

Go to work get s child minder because nursery made his behaviour worse and there were too many germs constantly. Child minder is very good, other children are lovely so a positive influence. I am m just waiting until he can talk and then be able to communicate with him. I think the not understanding him winds me up… maybe there is some explanation or he is just a complete shit. Get away and get a break and hopefully things will improve. A lady I work with said her son was the same and he is now 5 and it’s better now because she can talk to him and he can explain how he feels.

Get a break though, I swear o had post natal aggression my son didn’t and doesn’t stop screaming. Tired refuses to sleep he’s awful it’s all unnecessary . Hyper 100 kids in one needs a lot of stimulation, albeit if he is outside in a pram he is quiet takes in the surroundings. Wear your child out so they pass out and you get a break. Only thing I find works, being at home is painful.