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Original poster

My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

211 replies

totallydonetoddlermum · 05/04/2021 16:48

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

OP posts:

Keepmekeeping · 05/04/2021 22:39

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this is sounds awful. My first was a very hard baby from min 1 until he was over 1 not in the same way because he was younger but he cried almost constantly unless someone else was there it was hell but no one else got it. I used to call my sister begging her to come and help me then he'd relax into her arms and sleep or coo. I don't know why he was like that but he is now the most loving caring 9 year old and a huge mummy's boy.

My advice is get him in nursery as many days as you can, I'd go for nursery over a childminder. Sounds like you both need some time apart. It must be horrible having him at this age during covid just the 2 of you I can't imagine it's helped.

Please don't beat yourself up. Ask for help and be honest. Honesty saved me when ds1 was small when people said how I am I used to just spew out how I felt and surprisingly most people were great.

Magda16 · 05/04/2021 22:39

This sounds really tough OP. You are not a shit mother at all. I echo what precious posters have said. The toddler years are (in my experience) hard and boring a lot of the time. Here are my thoughts for what it’s worth.

head butting the floor etc sounds very extreme. I would ask for help with this, HV etc.
his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you need to have the expectation that he just won’t behave like this. When he is physically violent towards you pick him up, put him in the naughty step/corner and say very calmly that he must stay there until he calms down. Don’t raise your voice, don’t get emotional. Be absolutely calm. Walk away. Leave him. When he’s calmer he can have a cuddle.
toddler boys are like labradors. They need wearing out. Take him outside every morning by 10am for a good walk/playground. The buggy is fine for getting somewhere but then he needs serious exercise.
does he like watching TV? I find when my toddler is very grumpy/upset, 15/30 minutes of CBeebies a couple of times a day is a lifesaver. Don’t even feel remotely guilty about it. We as adults need chill time, so do they.
I think he’s too old to settle in his cot, unless he’s actually having a nap. He’ll get bored and act up.
your DH needs to be absolutely on board. If he is in the house when your son behaves like this then he needs to instantly come over and back up the naughty step etc. I know it’s harder if DH isn’t there because your son won’t remember or understand by the time DH gets home. There needs to be immediate, short consequences. However when DH there he must get involved.
nursery. If you can afford it, 2-3 mornings a week. Will be a life saver.

If I can say this gently, you are taking this too personally. Understandably of course but remember he’s two. He doesn’t have the capacity to hate. His world revolves 100% around him at this age. He needs you as much as he needs his daddy. But he’s not capable of hate.

Good luck - consistency and calmness. Also if you feel his behaviour is actually worrying you, see a HV.

WetWeekends · 05/04/2021 22:43

I would also suggest you read Janet Lansbury’s website, she talks about behaviour in toddlers and the fact that it’s all communication. She also explains why trying to force a toddler to say sorry as suggested by some PP it’s not a great idea. You’re in trouble when they refuse and you have to back down for a start. You might find her podcasts etc useful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Disabrie22 · 05/04/2021 22:49

OP - I feel for you - I don’t think you are the problem here and because of Lockdown you’ve been isolated. One thing that is very telling with children is how they interact with the world separately from you. Putting him in nursery a few mornings might actually allow someone else to have a look at his behaviour.

Saltyslug · 05/04/2021 22:55

Can you give more detailed examples of what happens?

A child that age needs to spend lots of time outdoors in the park.

Calling his dad is creating the problem. He knows if he can push your buttons and get his dad.

Put him somewhere safe. In his cot or the lounge and regain your calmness.

ThreeLocusts · 05/04/2021 22:56

OP, I feel your pain - even though my daughter's behaviour is much less extreme. I too feel cheated because she lashes out at me and is all over her dad.

I think you need to disengage. Go back to work, put him in childcare. If he does have tantrums while you are there, park him in a safe place s.a. crib and walk away, checking regularly but without trying to change his mood.

Also, maybe your partner needs to show more solidarity. Not just be the fun dad but show disapproval at how ds acts towards you. Of course you don't want to prolong the drama, but this can be done calmly.

And while I appreciate how embarrassing this feels, do ask for advice from hv or similar. Sorry your mum wouldn't listen.
Hang on in there, something will get better.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 05/04/2021 23:02

Can you pinpoint when it started?
All behaviour is communication and he’s getting something out of making you upset. How are you and your partner in front of him, are you affectionate together ? Affectionate as a family? Is your son picking up on your relationship maybe.
Does your you son have grandparents or extended family. It might help for him to see how family dynamics work.

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 23:02

Toddlers are a pain in the tits. It DOES get better

watingroom2 · 05/04/2021 23:03

Ok.. what do you do for you that brings you relaxation joy and pride?

I ask because 'all the focus is on the child'...

You need you time and love - and relaxation - does your OH do the difficult stuff and you get a nice day off?

Next time your DC screams on the floor leave them there - as long as they are not in danger -

Get 'time out' - for your sanity - your LO needs 'short simple instructions' - no that hurts - I don't like that - and then 'nothing ' ... no cuddles

Just out of interest does daddy 'swoop in for the cuddles' and not 'firm handle and say 'no' ?

firedog · 05/04/2021 23:03

@totallydonetoddlermum

I work one day a week and an evening or two from home. I left my full time job for this so what I could be there for the first few years of his life. Mother and son time, because I thought I wanted to be there for those magical years whilst he was young. Not that I'd be hated because I'm 'always there and everyone else is a novelty" I am admitting defeat I can't do it I'm going to try and go back full time and someone else can bring up the child I desperately wanted to bring up myself. Such a failure how are there so many full time sahm mums that love it there kids have attachments to them regardless of the fact they are there all the time. I feel totally robbed

There are millions of women that go back to work for their sanity. In years gone by kids were raised by extended family, neighbours etc. Kids under 5 aren't great company either imo

lydia2021 · 05/04/2021 23:04

Is it possible hes on the Autistic Spectrum. Some can be very particular who they bond with. Pulling your hair, biting your neck, sounds very much like our autistic family member when that age

Hawkmoth · 05/04/2021 23:05

Keep coming back to this. DS used to headbutt the floor when he had earache and went through a spell of them. If its just recent might be something to consider. We've had a number of times with various of our children where we go to GP and they provide a medical explanation for previously inexplicable behaviour.

ThreeLocusts · 05/04/2021 23:07

PS rereading your last post, your partner definitely needs to change something. Sounds like he is smug and inattentive to what the situation is doing to you.

You won't feel like opening another battlefront, but he needs to remember that his first loyalty is to you - the family can't function if the main caregiver is worn down to the point of suicidal thoughts.

Please take care of yourself, you didn't cause this and you don't deserve it. But you will deal with it somehow.

Cliff1975 · 05/04/2021 23:07

When he treats you like this and dad is there how does dad react? He needs to discipline him in the moment for how he is treating you. He needs to show him how to treat you and if he doesn’t treat you well daddy puts him in time out and doesn’t distract him with daddy fun.

watingroom2 · 05/04/2021 23:07

Oh and when my son thought it was funny to bite me.. this went on for a good few weeks when one day I just bit him back a couple of times - he then realised it hurt and stopped biting! I think he needed to 'feel it' .. in order to 'get it'

My partner has also rough housed my son - so that sometimes he realised he was strong and what it felt like to be in pain (not terrible pain - but you know - being squished ...some idea... my daughter did not need this.. but DS did not know his own strength.. and throughout growing up - he has needed to learn 'psychically
' how things feel... )

My son was in nursery and they let him and another boy push each other over a lot as they both found it funny... and enjoyed the 'physical play'.. ds is 9 now - and a very sweet gentle soul on the whole!

Theunamedcat · 05/04/2021 23:12

Ties your hair up so he cant pull it dont pick him up facing towards you face him away so he can't bite your neck but you can still cuddle him hold him across his body but under his armpits so its not easy for him to bite you his dad swooping in isnt helping the situation he knows he just has to hit the roof and you will cave in

Contact your health visitor you need support with this its hard but doable

Dddccc · 05/04/2021 23:17

Even at his age he is playing you think you need to start the time put method that supernanny uses and stick to it the behaviour will stop but you need to stay stronger and teach early discipline or it will get harder and worse

Embracelife · 05/04/2021 23:17

@totallydonetoddlermum

Yes I am tired and I am resentful it may sound stupid but I feel cheated. I feel robbed of the parenthood other people experience. I'm so painfully jealous of my partner that I could and do cry. He loves being a dad and goes on about how it's changed him and his life completely whereas I feel like I got given the gift of this gorgeous cuddly baby for said baby to just take it away from me by turning on me like this and withdrawing all affection. My partner has gained an amazing bond with his child and all I've gained is suicidal thoughts and regret. I'm angry and upset and everytime I see another handful of my hair on the floor or another bruise on my arm my heart breaks a bit more. My partner puts work before his family but gets to reap all the benefits of parenting. None of this is what I wanted

Please speak to your hv and gp Ask for support

Taikoo · 05/04/2021 23:22

You need to video him abusing you.
That's what I would do and then show it to nob dh, hv and doctors.
Go back to work full time.
Also could you move out for a while and get wanker dh to take his holidays and parent his child?
Sounds like you need a few week's break from this child.
They both sound horrible and I just would not put up with that.

blackrimmedspecs · 05/04/2021 23:22

What is your DH doing to help you, sounds like you're on your own with this and that's not fair. So difficult to know from reading what you have written. But this dozen sound normal. Tell your DH he need to step up, see your GP and HV.

LouiseTrees · 05/04/2021 23:23

@totallydonetoddlermum

OP go back to work. You need the break and your child might realise that mummy is around less and why am I being so difficult with mummy. Stay at home parents are in the minority.

Kioris · 05/04/2021 23:26

Poor you OP, sounds like you're going through hell. I would seek professional help. Pulling out your hair is an extreme that shouldn't be tolerated and he needs to know that even if he's only 2. Dad also needs to show discipline support so the child doesn't associate it with you alone. I haven't had much experience with children but from my own and nieces, nephews and friends children, this behaviour seems totally extreme. Maybe there's an underlying issue that needs checking out. I hope things change for you soon and for the better.

Anyother · 06/04/2021 05:12

OP, you've received some good advice. I've read most of it but one thing I didn't think anybody mentioned - the effect of the restrictions we've been living through for the past year. In normal times you would be out and about with him - visits with relatives, toddler groups, outings with friends etc etc. I have found bits of parenting hard but I enjoyed the preschool bit - but only because we were out and about all the time. I used to dread days when we had nothing to do/ half term when toddler activities were closed. I disagree that the solution is to go back to work - but I do think your son would benefit from more childcare since it would be a 'legal' way for him to spend time with other children/people. Also as restrictions ease and you can go out more you might find both your moods improve and his behaviour becomes tamed.

I also agree - try to reframe it from his point of view - he's frustrated etc and not that he 'hates' you - he loves you more than anything he just takes you for granted because you are always there. Please talk with your health visitor - they've seen it all and can often get straight to the heart of the problem. You both need this help. Good luck.

ScienceSensibility · 06/04/2021 07:19

OP you wouldn’t let anyone else physically hurt you in this way, so don’t accept it from your child.
Disengage. Stop trying to hug/cuddle him out of whatever mood he is in.
If he bites you, kicks you, pulls your hair, use your physical advantage. Loud ‘no”!
Restrain his hands, put him away from you, move away from him and leave him. Don’t give him any attention.
He treats you like a punchbag for his emotions/communication and I simply would not allow this. His father should step in also and make it clear the behaviour has to stop.
I’d definitely go back to work and put him in childcare for as long as possible. Look after yourself first. Wonder Dad can sort your son out.

Poorlykitten · 06/04/2021 07:21

Please don’t bite your child back, as one poster has suggested. There’s some great advice on this thread but that’s not it.

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