My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

I agree with the PP who said he's missing his dad and 'blaming you' for him not being there. And I agree with you that he's learnt to scream long and loud enough for dad to appear. You have a partner problem. Sounds like he's enjoying being the saviour but his actions are aggravating the behaviour. He shouldn't be coming home and being all cuddles, he needs to discipline his son and reinforce that he can't treat you this way. I would speak to the HV and get some support on best way to manage his behaviour. I would also have a drank conversation with your partner. Does he know you have suicidal thoughts? Could you try a video call with him when your son is having a tantrum where he gives some firm words over video rather than coming home for a cuddle? Have you tried showing your son photos of dad and talking about his feelings? Also I would speak to your GP. You sound depressed and you need to look after yourself. Good luck

Also when my son had terrible tantrums I found putting him in a safe place like his cot or a travel cot for some time out where he can't hurt himself helped

You've had some good advice here that I shan't add to but I just wanted to send as it is so hard. I have a very difficult 8 year old with various SEN (oddly enough she liked being a toddler and wasn't too difficult at this age, but over the last few years she absolutely has made me suicidal at times).

Do look after yourself. I have confided in a few friends and colleagues how bad things are here and they have been supportive.

Two good books are 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Jeffrey Bernstein) and The Explosive Child (Ross Green). They are for older children really but both are very strong on how not to beat yourself up as a parent.

DH and I have just had to completely let go of the idea that our parenting experience will be like other people's (if they are even telling the truth!)

Does your DH have to work 6 days a week or does he want to?

It’s time for him to do some actual parenting. Do you leave them to it on a Sunday so DH has to deal with all aspects of parenting not just be the superhero?

Maybe DH needs to take some leave and look after DS whilst you go out for the day.

Fuck me, biting and hitting a 2 year old is child abuse! And the child is not abusing his mother for fucks sake, he's little more than a baby! Doesn't mean it's not very difficult to deal with but ascribing adult motivations to a tiny tiny child is just stupid!

@totallydonetoddlermum

I'm not trying to force cuddles I mean he will be sat on the floor hysterically crying tears screaming most mums would try and pick their baby up and give them a cuddle if they do that. But I do I get an extreme reaction. If his dad does he will snuggle into him and instantly calm and stop crying.

Just came to say-mine was like this as a toddler. He just didnt want to be cuddled by me when he was upset - it made him more angry. It is really hard because its the one thing you want to do when they're crying but what can you do. He used to do the head banging thing too. In his case he is neuotypical (older now and a very happy, affectionate boy) so it was just one of his personality quirks but it might be worth looking into issues if this continues and you feel there might be something. And don't feel like a failure if you do put him into childcare. There are loads of parents on this thread who used childcare for their children - are you saying they are failures? I know that wasnt your intention - you were talking about yourself but well, if its not a nice thing to say about other people it isnt a nice thing to say/think about yourself either is it?

I also wanted to say that APPARENTLY difficult babies/toddlers = easy teenagers, easy toddlers/babies = nightmare teenagers. According to this theaory, every (generally decent) parent gets an equal amount of shit, but you cant pedict at what point in the 0-18 years of childhood this will land. So maybe in 14 years time you will be having lovely times with your well mannered hard working 16 year old while your friends who found the toddler years easy are teaing their hair out.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Fuck me, biting and hitting a 2 year old is child abuse! And the child is not abusing his mother for fucks sake, he's little more than a baby! Doesn't mean it's not very difficult to deal with but ascribing adult motivations to a tiny tiny child is just stupid!

Agreed with bells on!

You've had some good advice here, I'd second the suggestion to try and work more hours. Also get your partner to do more extended care e.g. look after your son for the whole day when he's off, to give you a break.

Parenting is shit a lot of the time and people don't acknowledge this enough. I love my sons enormously but have had times when I've really hated being a mum. You are not alone.

OP, you have cared for toddler to the very best of your ability, virtually alone for a year ,in a pandemic.
Take that in.
Dad needs to parent, starting now.
You need time to yourself and a visit to the GP, now

Do not bite a small child, FFS.

Mines 15 months OP, just started hitting and tantruming - she’s in nursery and it honestly gives me the relief I need. I pulled her out for a week when I had annual leave and it was so hard she was just a nightmare. I don’t think it helps that everyone is so bored and limited in what to do at the moment.

Is he really bored? Daft question but if he's fine at CM and fine when daddy around to help & play is he fed up?

@totallydonetoddlermum

Yes I am tired and I am resentful it may sound stupid but I feel cheated. I feel robbed of the parenthood other people experience. I'm so painfully jealous of my partner that I could and do cry. He loves being a dad and goes on about how it's changed him and his life completely whereas I feel like I got given the gift of this gorgeous cuddly baby for said baby to just take it away from me by turning on me like this and withdrawing all affection. My partner has gained an amazing bond with his child and all I've gained is suicidal thoughts and regret. I'm angry and upset and everytime I see another handful of my hair on the floor or another bruise on my arm my heart breaks a bit more. My partner puts work before his family but gets to reap all the benefits of parenting. None of this is what I wanted

Your partner loves parenting because he's not doing it 24/7 and he gets to go to work. When mine were 2 we were never in the house. They needed stimulation and to run around. You really need help to do this and get a break.

God OP this sounds awful for you.

I think I would definitely look at going back to work and putting him in childcare at this point, it doesn't seem like anyone is benefitting from you being at home. You will be happier at work.

Suicidal thoughts? Contact the GP today.

He needs boundaries, be firm when he bites and hits . Time out every time. Be consistent. He’s seeing how far he can push you. If you don’t start now it’ll get worse as he grows

@apalledandshocked

I also wanted to say that APPARENTLY difficult babies/toddlers = easy teenagers, easy toddlers/babies = nightmare teenagers. According to this theaory, every (generally decent) parent gets an equal amount of shit, but you cant pedict at what point in the 0-18 years of childhood this will land. So maybe in 14 years time you will be having lovely times with your well mannered hard working 16 year old while your friends who found the toddler years easy are teaing their hair out.

Oooh, yes, i believe this to be true. OP, your child loves you, please don't take their behaviour personally. I echo PP who say your partner should not be seeing himself as the "Saviour". You are good! You're trying your best in a difficult situation. This is more common than you'd think. Not all parenting experiences are positive. It's hard work. I hope you're not looking at Instagram and other social media sites and comparing your experience with some frankly made up scenarios. It will pass. I would consider upping his nursery hours if you can afford it. Both for your child and for you. There is too much emphasis on how wonderful bringing up a child is. It can be life destroying at times and weeping is also normal. I used to number crunch the hours into minutes and seconds until DH came home. There is too much of an emphasis on the amazing, life affirming experience of bringing up children. It's hard, very hard. Forgive yourself. Forgive your DS. Forgive your DH for having such a wonderful experience... Increase nursery hours, make time for yourself, and be firm with your DC, pulling out your hair 'til you have bald patches and biting youis not acceptable. At nearly 2, you need to put him somewhere safe, if this happens and walk away. This sends the message to your DC that doing this will have consequences and allow you some time away. Clear and age appropriate language explaing why it's not all right to bite and pull hair is important. As is the not holding a grudge and moving on to the next thing. Repeat and repeat. But still show love and connection and laughter when things are neutral or good, even if it's fleeting.

I will add that you say you nursed him for a year and that "he was fine with me as a baby". There were proabably mothers you met who spent many fruitless hours trying to get their screaming baby to latch on, battled through agonising bouts of mastisis and fucking about with breast pumps to finally "give up" and move to formula. They might have seen you happily nursing your little one and felt like failures and deeply jealous of you. There may well be other mothers who heard you say how much easier it was now your LO was sleeping for 5 hours at a stretch and felt blind rage because their 8 month old had never slept for more than an hour since the day she was born and screams blue murder every time she is put down. You won't know about it because there is so much shame associated with talking about these things - no-one wants to be the "bad mother" especially when everyone else seems to find it easier. But the truth is everyone is different, everyones babies are different and everyone will struggle at different times. You need to learn to be kind and non-judgemental to yourself and others if you want to get through it.

The only thing you're doing wrong is trying to just plough on without changing anything or getting any support.
You need to talk to your HV. They are there for this very reason. Also your GP. Not either. Both.
I won't tell you my sob story but I was in a similar position where my mental distress was destroying my life and my ds was picking up on it. I wasn't being a good parent for the sole reason that I wasn't OK.
You need to stress how much this is affecting your life, giving you suicidal thoughts etc.
You also need to change your family arrangements. Your partner needs to stop working away 6 days a week. He needs to reduce his hours and if possible work from home some of the time.
Do you have family around who could take your dc for a couple of days a week or overnight occasionally?
Don't worry about covid rules. This absolutely counts as exceptional circumstances.
Don't want to scare you but this could reach crisis and something awful could happen unless you do something drastic to look after yourself and your family.

and what @Oneearringlost said!

Hopefully it will get better once the toddler groups and soft play reopens. I think swimming opens next week that may give him a distraction from whatever is affecting him. My DD was like this up until a few weeks ago (22 months old) and then I bubbled up with a neighbour with a baby of a similar age and it helped massively. The biting and hitting stopped and she has been a lot more loving. I think she was just bored and lonely and needing some variation and acting out because of it. There's nothing wrong with your bond, just something is upsetting him and he is taking it out on you. It will get easier though I promise. And his dad might be loving it now but as he focuses on work and the years go on, your bond is going to get stronger and stronger from weathering these storms and he wont have what you and your son have.

I would agree with a pp - before considering things like autism, is he just really bored? (Like we all are!). Take him outside every morning. Wear him out.

He sounds frustrated. Maybe needs more outside time to burn off energy. I would be concerned myself. If you think people would not believe you, set up your phone/ camera/ iPad and film the Room. Then you will have proper info to agre with health visitor or gp. Kids often have a ‘favourite’ which switches back and forth. I think you are perfectly reasonable to get him some childcare/nursery time and get back to work. It would do you both good. I agree he needs disciplining and dad needs to back you up too. If I were you I would seek medical help and opinions. This can’t go on. If there are underlying issues they need addressed sooner rather than later. Go easy on yourself, this isn’t your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong. Try not to blame yourself. But definitely get in touch with GP or health visitor.

You sound stressed and anxious, and I'm sure your child is picking up on this. Talk to a HCP. Even chatting about it can ease your stress.

You poor woman.
It sounds horrific.
Your husband doesn't seem to figure at all, except for his delirium at his one day a week being at home.
My husband would have been absolutely devastated if I had to deal with that.
It's actually upsetting to read your posts.
They also sound very familiar to another poster or have your posted before.

I would have returned to work a long time ago.

Filming him is very important.
This will be far more powerful than any explanations that you will try to give.

Your husband needs to step up and you need a break.
I would be very concerned about you OP.

You totally understandably sound at breaking point.

You have my heartfelt sympathy.
I think something isn't right here, but I'm afraid I have no idea what.

I do agree that he needs to be disciplined for biting etc.

I think an old fashioned play pen would be very helpful.
You can put your son down quickly and safely and get yourself to a safe place.

You poor woman.