My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

" all I want to do is love him and have him love me. I am broken down I've been sold a complete lie about parenting. Everyone seems to be having a totally different experience to me."

This is exactly how I felt parenting a child with special needs (who was not diagnosed until 7 years later).

It might just be terrible twos, it might be burnout (this last year has been incredibly weird which won't help, but I absolutely suffered burnout 10 years ago just from baby/toddler parenting) but just saying - it's not a standard experience of parenting, and if you feel like you're having a different experience to everyone else, I believe you. It's horribly isolating, especially when people imply it must be your fault because it didn't happen to them! The reality is unless you have very extreme issues, overly smothering, neglectful, overly anxious or abusive (including relationship abuse in the household), parenting doesn't cause this kind of behaviour. It's either some kind of developmental issue, or it's a phase they grow out of.

One resource I wish I'd found earlier is Janet Lansbury. Her podcast/blog "Unruffled" was incredibly helpful for me on a few topics - mainly boundaries, but also separating children's emotions from our own.

And yes to nursery. It was a good plan to change your working hours to accommodate him, but it's not working - and that's valid to admit. It doesn't make either choice better or worse. You don't need to stick him in 7-6 M-F either - 2 or 3 days a week, or just mornings or afternoons, whatever suits your budget/work schedule best will be enough for you each to get some space from one another which will help reframe the relationship.

Time out for any of the violent behaviour. Time out, time out, time out. Time out! 2 minutes, that's all. Every single time. It teaches him that the behaviour is unacceptable and it also prevents you getting tortured!

You've mentioned suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure whether that is an exaggeration or not, but if not, then you need to contact your GP to look at medication potentially.

What did you work at before you had your son?

Other thing to bear in mind, that ordinarily, children don't spend their toddler years in lockdown. He might be a very outgoing child who needs people. He might be lonely.

Return to work sounds like the best scenario here. Your life matters too!

I feel really bad for you. Toddlers this age are right little dickheads. They are. Ignore people going oh he doesn't mean it and all that crap. They do mean it. They do it to manipulate and upset us because they know it works. Give it no attention. If he wants to get out of your arms, fine. Let him sit on the floor and chuck a tantrum. If he hurts you, dump him on the floor and walk away. You hurt mummy, you get no attention.

90% of Toddlers are twats. Its ok to acknowledge that. But not in front of them because its embarrassing when they cheerfully tell their nursery worker that they've been a right little prick today

But he will grow out of it. This too shall pass and at some point you will be the favourite and daddy will be the one who can't do anything right.

Kids are just going through a loaf of quickfire phases, most of which are shit. But I swear they end.

I would also bring him out for at LEAST an hour to run around in fresh air, see new things, see people. It might relax him. Get a ball or something to make him run. Christ, I don't know, it's a long time since I had toddlers either. I'd probably feel like trying to get him to play Fetch lol. When Dad comes home from work, does he give you a break?

Actually - other posters are making a good point, if Dad is absent 6 days per week and only there on one day but will turn up if DS stresses you out enough, that could be a combination of "If I do this enough I get what I want (ie Dad)" and anxiety about not being sure whether Dad will be around or not.

As you say he is worse immediately after DH's one day off this is quite likely. I witnessed that with my child after he had contact with his father as well (we were separated), it's quite a common thing and generally is because it's confusing for a child to have such little contact with someone so important to them.

I think if your DH changes his work pattern and is more available, even if it's just for an hour or so a day in the evening you may well find that the behaviour isn't so extreme. It's the all/nothing they can't cope with at this age.

When DD2 is naughty we put her in the naughty corner and then she will come and say sorry shortly afterwards

The only thing she really does to warrant this is sometimes she'll slap us in the face when we're holding her

Whether the naughty corner is actually working is debatable but she doesn't slap us very often so maybe. It's hard to get through to a toddler though. It sounds very hard op, you have my sympathy

Btw, parenting teens - now THAT you have to look forward to. The utter hatred for you can be gut wrenching. The utter disdain can be astonishing.

I've found parenting to be very tough. I think that some people take to it very easily and some don't really enjoy it. The ones I notice to find it easier, are usually the more laid back types. I wanted perfection - not perfection from the DC, but I set impossible standards for myself. This is something incompatible with parenting. Took me a long time to realise that though.
My sanity only completely returned when I returned to work.

I haven't got any advice but just wanted you to know that I understand what your going through. My son has always preferred his dad, nan, grandad, auntie and uncle over me. I was the one who did the sleepless nights, the dirty nappies, the singing and playing and crafts and taking him out etc... but he still preferred everyone else over me. It broke my heart. During the 1st lockdown he used to bite me and hang off my hair (that was eye wateringly painful) because he wasnt able to visit his nan and grandad. He is nearly 4 now and unfortunately he is worse and his behaviour is completely out of control. He hits me, answers back, trys to control everything I do, he displays vile behaviour, he tantrums, and is just such hard work. I have NEVER met another 3 year old like him and I'm at a loss of what to do to teach him how to be a decent human being.

Hopefully things improve for you very soon. You will soon see that he actually does find you comforting when he is a little bit older. When he is poorly or has hurt himself he will probably come straight to you to be comforted. That's the only positive I can say about my situation, he does prefer me when he isnt well...I just wish he wanted me for a few nice things aswell, not just illness.

good luck OP, you sound like a lovely mother. X

It seems to me that his dad needs to step in and ensure that he realises that his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Your DH may love being a dad but he's hardly ever there tbh. Why isn't he changing his work patterns if he loves it so much and knows you're struggling?
Never mind if your DM was a SAHM and loved it, I managed three and four months each time and then put them in nursery. This bit is hard, outsource it.
And speak to your HV. DS1 could tantrum for England but never head butted walls. Something doesn't sound right.

You need to focus less on ‘why is doing this to me’ and more on ‘how can I support this very distressed little boy’. I personally think you need to speak to a health visitor who can do some checks. He either needs early help for undiagnosed issues or you need some support in parenting.

Or, she could go back to work ASAP and let trained childcare providers mind him, while she gets to then enjoy being Disney Mom! Not everyone enjoys parenthood. You only have to look at the stats for absent fathers to realise that.

I'm less concerned than others about potential issues given that he's well behaved with Dad. I'm not an expert, but I would expect behaviour to be consistent if there were real issues. He's probably bored out of his tree, no more than 90% of the population over the past year!

In a childcare setting, he will have so much more interaction than being locked down with just Mom. To be honest, it's driving the sanest of individuals a bit barmy!

It's not your fault and you're not doing anything wrong.

When your DP gets back,he should be on your side. "Why have your been hitting mummy? That's not kind, I'm sad to hear you have been like this to her." Not swooping in with hugs and giggles. If you feel sad, he should look sad too.

If they don't want interaction during a meltdown then just let them get on with it. Stay in the room, tell them you are there for them when they are ready, and let them get the anger out. One of mine was like this, they needed time without interaction to be angry and then once they had calmed down could talk.

What is your routine like? Our kids have to be outside by 10.30 or it is game over for the day! Are the meltdowns at the same time each day? Mine have struggled around 2-4pm round that age so I always had a pocketful of bribes for if we needed to be out and about, mostly chocolate coins and babybel.

And I echo what others have said too, if you can then up the nursery or childminder hours and work a bit more. You will still have plenty of time together.

Finally, and most importantly, since this is affecting your mental health please get done hello for it. Nobody will judge you or think you have failed. Good luck.

It sounds tough. Does he get a full night's sleep, 12 hours + ? A nap in afternoon? If he is tired his behaviour will be bad.

Regular meal times, if snacks then at a regular time between meals.

I've never experienced such physical abuse from a child, it really doesn't sound good, remove yourself from the situation so he is unable to bite you. Know his triggers and be ready to stop him. I wouldn't let him pull out hair, mine gets the odd yank then I move away, say "No, it's not nice, that hurts".

My almost 2 year old doesn't want hugs/physical touch when he is having a little tantrum or upset by something, I'm better to leave him and let him come to me when he's ready, other child would accept a cuddle and cheer up.

Are you in charge or does he decide what happens during your day?

Set up a solid routine if you don't have one so that he knows what to expect.

Remove TV/screen time entirely or limit to 1 hour a day.

If you have to phone dad to come home does he have to know you've done this? You could ask dad privately and not say it's because of his behaviour. At least then he won't link the two together.

My DH has a difficult work pattern it is different each week and can go from days at home to days not seeing children, I'm just honest, dad is here or he isn't, when it's bad it's when dad is at home then needs to go, however to be fair this upset lasts for 5 mins and then they settle down. I don't think DH work pattern has to be an issue unless you are making it one by talking about it negatively.

Try not to show DS how his "love" of daddy makes you feel, he may play up to it if he knows it is upsetting you.

He is young but his "anger" sounds extreme, he has to be taught that hair pulling, biting etc is wrong and he can't get away it. If not now, when, 4, 6, 8, 16?!

If you do all of this and there are still issues then seek help.

I do hope things improve and if you can get a break (covid permitting!) to take stock, make a plan and hopefully things get better!

Btw, if your ds is anything like my dd, he will make a holy show of you at collection time from childminder/nursery and refuse to get into his car seat as he won't want to go home or that might have been just my dd Oh the shame.

I would speak to your HV, and ask:

1. To be referred to a paediatrician to investigate any additional need he may have.

and, if you cannot get 2 year nursery funding due to your DP earning too much:

2. For the health visitor to help you fill in a DLA form for your son. You don't need a diagnosis to get DLA as a child, it is based on care needs only. Once your son gets DLA, you were be able to get 15 hours free nursery care a week. Explain to the HV that your son being at nursery will help him to socialise with other children and give you respite you desperately need.

I thought the same as a poster above re smell. My oldest child has asd and at parents talk they specifically mentioned autistic children taking specific dislikes and then melting down with people and it was because of something sensory eg your perfume. I know it seems crazy, but it is worth ruling this out as the situation seems so extreme. I would definitely look for some advise initially from your health visitor, as this type of behaviour on this scale does sound worrying and very tiring and distressing for both of you. I hope you find some solutions.

Op I agree with wearywithteens.
Almost 2 year olds do not purposefully manipulate, withdraw affection or hate their parents. Even when parents are literally abusive toddlers will cling to the abusive parent in bewilderment. Please try to change your mindset on this.

It seems to me like you might be a person who has been used to being successful and things coming easily. I wonder if perhaps you had a view of yourself in those terms. You had a dream of parenting that sounds idyllic - giving up work, focusing on parenting completely, with a delightful affectionate child. And the reality is causing what we call "cognitive dissonance" - there's a gulf between your expectation and the reality, and your brain is trying to protect its views of itself as competent, successful, etc. This is immensely stressful. You are putting the "causation" into your child and attributing intent to him that just is not there. Disney Dad swanning in and making it all look easy won't be helping.

Toddlers are bloody hard. It's in the job description. They are illogical, angry, and haven't learned self restraint. Almost no one has a child who causes no mayhem at this age. On the other hand, hair pulling and actual aggression (hitting or kicking you, rather than you accidentally getting caught in a flailing crossfire during a meltdown) is absolutely not on. Time out for that every time. It may be that your ds is more difficult for some reason - maybe he has sen, or he is highly sensitive or whatever - what it absolutely is not, is that he hates you. You do seem to lack attunement though. Lookout for what makes him happy, when he is calm, etc. My son hates cuddles, always did - turns out he is a touch sensitive autistic. One child of mine was hellish and like a spinning top when overtired. Learn to speak his language.

Dd1 was like this with me, I felt like she hated me but now she's older I can see that it was more because she felt comfortable to do this with me as I was the one that even at her worst wouldn't leave her if you get me. However it's really tough and sad really is a novelty, is mums tend to be the bad cop don't we. We get the boring bits, the getting dressed, meal times, making them tidy up etc but dad swoops in ana gets play time whilst we cook yea therefore dad is often seen as a play thing snd we're the safety net. I found dd1 didn't really respect me until she started nursery, it was almost like she realised that "mummy does go" as in to work snd maybe I need to be nicer to her as she's not just here at my beck ans call. Maybe your son needs a bit more distance from you? Xx

Btw It's highly unlikely you will get DLA for an undiagnosed toddler, particularly when you haven't accessed support from any external agencies yet.

DD1 seemed to dislike me from the day she was born, and tbh after a horrible birth we never bonded. She is now an adult and still doesn't demonstrate anything other than a tolerance for me, and the feeling is mutual. Guess it just doesnt work out sometimes.

@totallydonetoddlermum I could have written your post. I have a 18 month old son and everyday is hell, trying to enjoy the motherhood I waited so long for, only for it to have caused me so much misery I don't want to be here anymore.

Go back to work as full time as possible. At the very least nursery 4 days a week.

Can your DH take a longer parental leave while you go for the career option.

If it's any consolation my DD once screamed 13h in one 24h period.

Might be worth getting a health visitor to review him. My daughter was a nightmare around that age, and she is now being investigated for ASD. Since we have put a few changes in place and her nursery are being supportive she is like a different kid. She sticks to me like glue now and loves giving me cuddles, though still isn't keen on recieving them.

Might not be the same for you but it's worth checking, and I feel loads better now I know the reason behind her behaviour.