My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

How is his language? Is he verbal? DS would bite and have temper tantrums at this age as he had very little language to tell me what was wrong.
Things improved as he developed spoken language. His hearing was low and he needed grommets in order to develop speech in our case.
But yes, parenting can be relentlessly crap. The hitting, biting and hair grabbing is really hard to deal with. Consistent responses are needed- we used time out, use whatever works for you. There are also amazing parts to being a parent, being hugged around the head by my huge son makes my day.

Do people believe you when you tell them?

This may not be especially helpful OP but children save their worst behaviour for their Mum (usually) because they feel safest with them. It may be that he is masking his behaviour with other people and then you bear the brunt of it because he knows he is safe with you and can let his emotions out.
Agree I’d talk to the HV. Good luck

It's horrid isn't it, my DD has always preferred her daddy to me, although now she's almost a teenager it is better. The thing that immediately jumped out at me is why are you trying to hug / cuddle him if he doesn't want it? Put yourself in his tiny, angry shoes. He is angry for whatever reason and you try and cuddle him, he doesn't want to be cuddled, but you continue doing it. Of course he is going to kick, pull your hair and bite if he is pulled in so close to you. It's not good behaviour, but it IS understandable. He can't reason with you verbally so he's doing whatever it takes to make you stop.

It sounds like he might be a bit overwhelmed by your attention. I would back off a bit and be less hands on. Ignore any bad behaviour or screaming, turn away from him and walk away, telling him calmly that it isn't nice to hurt mummy. Put him in his cot and leave the room. Go make a cup of tea and calm down. They are more like little animals at that age, they pick up on your feelings.

Be kind to yourself, get him into a nursery. That does not make you a bad mum, it gives you both time away from each other which it sounds like you both need. It will get better, but in the meantime, hang on in there and don't beat yourself up.

Something is very off with your relationship.
Why are you forcing the snuggles etc? I would be speaking to someone at this stage , there’s been something to trigger this behaviour and you need to find out what it is for both your sakes.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve just started volunteering for a charity called Homestart - it is worth contacting them as well as a health visitor. We meet with families that include children under 5 (covid permitting) and can offer support for a few hours a week. It might help just being able to talk to someone else non judgemental.

I'm not trying to force cuddles I mean he will be sat on the floor hysterically crying tears screaming most mums would try and pick their baby up and give them a cuddle if they do that. But I do I get an extreme reaction. If his dad does he will snuggle into him and instantly calm and stop crying.

Just a thought but do you wear any strong perfume or anything else that gives a strong smell? Just wondering if he is having a sensory negative reaction to you. There may be some trigger that just hasn't occurred to you, please, please don't take it personally x

Have you posted about him before, op? It sounds exhausting and soul destroying. I'd go back to work, put him in nursery more days, see if that helps both of you.

Your h should also be backing you up every step and telling your son off whenever he's violent to you.

Oh, I could have posted the same thing a couple of months ago. My DS constantly bit me, pulled my hair, had epic tantrums, screaming in my face. I used to dread when he got up in the morning as it was another day of trying to control a whirlwind that wouldn't stop. He was much better behaved with dh, who could not understand why I was so on edge by the time he got in from work. As a last resort I contacted my health visitor and she was/is a god send. We had a video call and she then came to visit because she was concerned. The end result is that ds needed more interaction with children his age so we put him in nursery one day a week. We have also started praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad. However, if he bites, pulls hair etc he gets a time out. DH has also started being firm when DS is being difficult. There has been a big difference in the space of a month of being consistently on top of his behaviour. DS now gives kisses, get excited when told a good boy and is a pleasure to be around. OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel, it is so so hard when you bare the brunt of bad behaviour but it will get better

You're doing the best you can OP and it's more than enough I know it's hard and I know it's shitty and it's so easy to feel resentful. Start taking more care of YOU. Put him into a nursery, do anything that makes YOUR life easier right now. Ask friends and family if they will take him out to give you a break. You need it. Looking after a toddler is exhausting.

Please be kinder to yourself. I know it's easier said than done but you're doing a bloody good job and you need a break.

You poor exhausted mum. I don’t have advice to add to some of the helpful comments you’ve had already, but just wanted to send some mum solidarity!

Don’t feel trapped by a vision of motherhood - I know a number of people who’ve gone back to work sooner than they’d planned so they can have more balance in their lives. Good luck, and I hope you can find more peace too.

Working full time could be a good idea - just because you sound so down and mental stimulation outside of the home could do you good. When both parents work, that doesn't mean they are paying someone else to bring up their children - they are still the ones bringing them up. No one has more of an impact on a child than their parents. The most important thing isn't how many hours of the day you are in the same room, but how happy you are. Sounds like a change is needed and work could be it.

OP my daughter is the same age and I don’t think this is normal. (And I also don’t think I’ve done some magic parenting trick.) Trust your instincts and get him some help. Remember he must also be having a crap time when he’s screaming and hitting you. You both deserve better!

Have you tried reading any discipline books? I really enjoyed Positive discipline- the first 3 years. There’s lots of case studies and maybe some will resonate?

Have you watched the Three Day Nanny? Really good show with some great tips. The nanny also has a book you might want to have a look at. She dealt with lots of children like yours and turned the situation around for the parents.

It's not you. It's him. 2 is a fucking awful age. They're old enough to properly get into trouble/do stupid stuff but not old enough to understand why they shouldn't. You could never pay me enough to go back to the 18m-2.5 year category. Once mine got to 2.5, they could understand more and i introduced time out so if they were attacking me or their sib, i used the supernanny technique - explain what they've done, sit them in a corner to chill out and go get them when they're calm, kiss and cuddle and then clean slate. I didn't rigidly enforce time scales sand i know some people don't like time out but it's been very effective for mine.

But yeah. It's not you. Put him in at the childminders for another day, give yourself some time where you aren't mum and you aren't working. Rediscover yourself a bit because it sounds like you never get a break, and you really do sound like you need one.

And it's ok by the way to not enjoy everything about being a parent. Most of it is pure drudgery. Boring, thankless hard work looking after someone who couldn't care less who is wiping their arse. Your mum is talking shite. There's no way on this earth that she found every bit of being a sahm wonderful. Also you've tried it, it's not working for you - its not giving up to put him in nursery or childminder for more time. If i hadn't done that, id have lost my mind entirely. It doesn't make you any less of a mum. If anything it will make you feel like a better mum because you've got time to recharge and he gets a chance to miss you like he misses daddy!

Lots of good advice on this thread. Its so long ago since I had toddlers that I dont feel I can give advice but I really wanted to say hang in there. It will get better, esp if you get some RL help and support,
I'd be annoyed with your mum's glib comments. very unhelpful. Could your childminder take him for an extra day to give you at least one day when you can focus on getting help and also getting on top of things becuase I'm betting you don't get much chance to do that and it must be adding to your stress.

I could have written some of this. My DD massively prefers dad to me. If he leaves room she will full on cry until he comes back, she’s ok with me if he’s out of sight (almost out of sight, out of mind). I find it really hard but try not to take it personally (easier said than done). She’s definitely more affectionate with him than me and sometimes I think she doesn’t particularly like me. In part I think it’s because he’s always the fun one and if we ever need to say no it always me that has to say it! I’m hoping this is just a phase though and sooner or later things will balance out.

This sounds tough. I know it's hard but I wouldn't take it personally. Toddlers go through phases of having a favourite parent and it's often a way of trying to demonstrate some independence. Especially if your the main carer. Also, if you do the lion's share of the care for him then he might be trying to win daddy over or trying harder to get his dad's attention because he sees less of him. Try not to feel spurned and keep showing him your love even if he doesn't appear to give you the same in return. He loves you. I'm sure of that without knowing you. Kids love their mum. My own father was often the fun parent and but my mother is the backbone and Foundation of the family. Your son will see you the same way. I would talk to your husband about how you feel and make sure you come up with a joint strategy for dealing with your son's behaviour. He can't just lap up the love and revel in being the favourite.

When he has these fits of anger at me they can last hours. I will try and distract him. Try and get him a drink or a snack or distract him with a toy. He'll just sit on the floor and scream, he'll head butt the tiles, or the walls, run at me and thrash his arms at my legs. If I try and pick him up and give me a cuddle he will bite and rip my hair out. He'll struggle to get out of my arms. I'll try putting him in his cot to calm down and he will scream the house down

There are two possibilities here:

1. He's acting like a normal toddler and you're exaggerating his behaviour or just unable to deal with normal toddler behaviour, in which case you need to speak to someone and get good help.

2. His behaviour really is extreme and beyond "normal" toddler behaviour, in which case you need to speak to someone and get good help.

So either way, you need help. No good keeping quiet and suffering alone.

Definitely speak to your HV, OP. They have seen and heard it all before and will be able to make suggestions, including if they feel your DC’s behaviour needs further assessment. Hang in there.

Just wanted to reiterate that it isn’t you, it’s him. My second child didn’t act like my first and was very attached to me. I didn’t parent them any differently. The early years are by no means a joy, they are a bloody thankless slog, and I would not return to them if you paid me a million pounds. Once I went back to work when they were much older I realised that being a SAHM is MUCH harder work than working away from home. I really recommend that you go back to work, also check your son’s behaviour with the HV, DON’T take it personally (I did and subsequently became depressed). And if you become depressed, get help. You need a break, however you get it, be it work or a holiday away from him.

Urgh poor you op. Both my sister and I had this albeit milder but similar - rejection by toddler of sahm. It’s actually really upsetting. If it’s any consolation it’s a total phase and both my own dd and my nephew now lovely teen / child who my sister and I have lovely relationships with. None of our subsequent children did this either just the eldest.

Get help! Video the behaviour and see your HV or GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. This isn't normal toddler behaviour, or at least it's so far to the extreme that you need help. Take some of the advice here and give yourself a break when you can and get your DH to back you up at all times. Hang on in there it can only get better .

His dad works 6 days a week? I'm reading your posts and they're screaming at me that this is the root cause of this behavior - he's missing dad, and associating you with 'dad not here', you're essentially bearing the brunt of his anger.
It is absolutely not about you or your bond, or anything you've done or haven't done. He's just developed a deep attachment to dad, it's quite common at that age.

I think it will improve with language development, but dad needs to correct and discipline him, make it clear that's it's absolutely not ok to treat mummy like that. He needs to see that you & dad are a team and that dad's loyalty is with you.

OP.