My toddler treats me like absolute shit. If this is parenting I don't want it.

[totallydonetoddlermum]

Just that really, I'm so miserable and sick of getting upset daily that my child hates me. I'm fed up of being told he's young and he doesn't mean it. That his dad is just a novelty and it's because I'm with him all the time that he treats me like this. That he takes his anger out on me and will scream and hit and bite and pull my hair and refuse to settle for hours until he has totally worn me down mentally and I can't cope and I phone his dad to come back from work and help me before I completely lose it and his dad gets back and he's cuddling him and happy and giggling. That he exclaims daddy excitedly everytime he sees him and won't even say mummy or mama. Never has. Not once. He will thrash and writhe to get out my arms but snuggle into his dad. Today he screamed at me for hours, refused to settle, kept biting my neck when I tried to hug him. He pulled out handfuls of my hair. His dad swoops in and he's fine. Instantly. I can't take it I don't know what I've done wrong and I'm sick of being told it's because I'm primary caregiver and his dad is a novelty. If I'm going to be treated like complete shit I don't want to be the primary caregiver. I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid. Seriously this isn't what parenting is supposed to be like, I've clearly fucked something up, he'd be better off without me to be honest if I cause him this much distress. I'm done I cannot take it anymore

Good post 👆

Yes his dad works 6 days a week. He's always worse behaved after his dads day off so I know it effects him but it's something his dad seems unwilling to challenge and his company seem unwilling to change. Sometimes I feel that he's learnt if he screams for long enough that I'll break and phone his dad in tears who will come home and then he gets what he wanted so I've tried to not do it but today he just wouldn't stop and it was so relentless I honestly wanted to smash my head against a wall so he got his way

First of all parenting is hard going. If you need you put him in childcare and return to work too save your sanity go for it. If you need to put him in childcare for a break go for it. However I would say if your instinct days something is underlying with his behaviour trust it. I knew with ds1 there was something underlying. I couldn't explain it but just felt he maybe autistic. Nobody believed me but suddenly at 4 it became blatantly obvious too his nursery. He was later diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

the second anything causes him to lose his temper he will be absolutely vile to me sometimes for hours/until I get his dad to come home
It sounds really awful for you OP, I know it seems like it will never change but honestly it will. Two is such a trying age. With regard to the above...If he behaves very badly you call his dad home.....he's learning that if he is horrid enough then his dad will magically appear. I would suggest stopping that. I also agree that you need some down time and support.

sorry I cross posted. I see you have thought of that already. x

Going back to work doesn’t mean someone else brings up your child. The break might mean you enjoy bringing him up a bit more though, the situation you’ve described sounds really tough.

Two things helped me, the book toddler taming by Christopher Green and walking away from screaming tantrums- obviously only if they were safe. Both of mine would then come and look for me.

My daughter was more likely to come out of tantrums if I cuddled her, my son I had to wait until he was ready and he would come to me for a cuddle.

I agree with previous posters about seeking help, you have done nothing wrong, but you cannot carry on like this.

I'll go work full time and pay someone else to bring him up if that's the only way to actually feel loved by own kid

Childcare doesn't 'bring them up', but would give you some balance, and give your child a change of scenery and a change to socialise with their peers. Toddlers can be savage, I agree with a PP though that it's likely they are learning that if they lash out dad will come home, that's not good. You need to speak to your DH as well and see where he can better support you, and pull his weight. My neighbours DH is in the military, and she went through a phase where her toddler would shower his dad with affection and cuddles and kisses even when he had been away for ages with work; it is probably more that he feels secure with you but doesn't feel so with his dad who is out a lot. It does feel shite though, it will pass and although it doesn't feel like it, toddlers don't equate their actions with love.

I wouldn't put up.with that behaviour for one minute. Have you tried time out, putting him on the step, taking him home if it happens away from home, park etc. I would even be tapping his hand at this stage. Are you consistent with the discipline? He is carrying on like this because he can. Dad also needs to be much stronger here, currently it sounds as if he is revelling in the fact your son prefers him. He needs to be harsh, this is not acceptable to be doing this to mummy etc. Your husband needs to discipline, do the time out etc.

How do you truly feel about parenting, are you tired? Do you feel resentful? Obviously you have every right to feel like that now but kids do pick up on things and I wonder if it's becoming a viscous circle for you both. You need some time on yourself to just breathe and get yourself together again.

Yes I am tired and I am resentful it may sound stupid but I feel cheated. I feel robbed of the parenthood other people experience. I'm so painfully jealous of my partner that I could and do cry. He loves being a dad and goes on about how it's changed him and his life completely whereas I feel like I got given the gift of this gorgeous cuddly baby for said baby to just take it away from me by turning on me like this and withdrawing all affection. My partner has gained an amazing bond with his child and all I've gained is suicidal thoughts and regret. I'm angry and upset and everytime I see another handful of my hair on the floor or another bruise on my arm my heart breaks a bit more. My partner puts work before his family but gets to reap all the benefits of parenting. None of this is what I wanted

I’d echo childcare doesn’t bring them up. I’ve been a SAHM for the 8 months and it’s shit, incredibly lonely and mundane. My son also is violent with me and seems to hate me on sight. I’d always been so sad that my daughter had to go to childcare but can now see that’s bollocks. 3 year funding kicked in a Christmas and my son has been going to nursery 3 days a week and apparently is a delight. If we’re lonely and bored maybe they are too???

Sorry this is so hard for you OP, honestly i would put him in nursery to give you both some space. I also think dad needs to start talking to him when he behaves like that rather than just taking him for cuddles.
Even when he's in a good mood dad needs to keep reiterating it's not nice to hit/bite mummy.
Good luck OP

Oh god my now delightful 2.5 year old from 18mths till 2 would bite and pull chunks out of my hair. God knows why and it was only me.
He stopped at 2 after he bit himself in rage and it hurt him, ruised for a few days, never did I again but I used to cry and he was very strong. its real crap when they do I and I confess I sobbed a few times about it.
Hoepfully they will grow out of it and a. Big handhold form me as it sucks x

Op I went back to work at 6mths full time and he still did it to me as I was his safe space. It honestly isn't you.
He loves you and bizarily is why he acts out (shitty but true!)

‘He loves being a dad’

... but he works 6 days a week, so he’s not doing much parenting is he!!

My friend describes this phenomenon brilliantly. She calls it ‘Disney dad’ ie; you do all the core care including chores and discipline. Then one day a week, Disney dad turns up and does fun stuff and your child gets to enjoy the novelty of a dad who isn’t exhausted from 6 days of relentless parenting!

I know it’s difficult at the moment, but as soon as you can, you need a break and your partner needs to step up and parent for an extended period. He could take a week off work say, and look after the house and meals and chores and discipline. I bet after the end of that week both Dad and Toddler will have learned some new things and you will have had a much needed rest! See how everyone feels then!!

Please don’t take it personally. My toddler told me last week she doesn’t want me to be her mummy anymore. It stung but I get it - she’s bored of me and perhaps a new mum wouldn’t make her tidy up or have a bath

Parenting is a bloody slog sometimes. Hang on in there - many many more of us go through this crap than we like to let on!!

My first thought is what on earth is your partner doing to help address this issue? Surely he must be heartbroken to se you like this? So how is he helping to fix things?

He needs to stop bloody swooping in like a fucking superhero! He needs to firmly tell ds off and make him say sorry to mummy. No cuddles from daddy if ds has just been naughty to mummy.
He also needs to big you up to ds. Lots of “oh look what lovely mummy has got for you” “oh isn’t mummy so kind” “aren’t we lucky to have lovely mummy” I know it all sounds cheesy but it’s important that he’s painting a positive picture of you to ds.

As others have said, more time apart will do you both the world of good. I could see ds behaviour starting to change last year. He'd been at nursery since 1 but then of course when they closed it was just me&him 90% of the time. He's been back now 3 days a week since Sept and it's made a huge difference.
Another vote also for completely ignoring the bad behaviour and removing yourself from the situation. The 1st time ds hits me etc I put him down and I'm in the other room. We also make a huge fuss of praising the good behaviour. It can be something really small that he's done well but we go very ott telling him how amazing that was

Your dh sounds like he needs to take some time off for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks so you can work on this together. If nothing else if you're having suicidal thoughts you need his help urgently. You should also contact your gp.

It really is ok if being a sahm turns out not to be for you. I had all sorts of grand ideas about what being a mum is like. I had no idea what my children would be like, and what i would be like. It's a lot bloody harder, and different than i would have ever imagined. Its bloody relentless. But that's ok. You've got your mum going on about how perfect it was, so of course you're comparing yourself to an ideal - and there is nobody on this planet that has enjoyed every single minute of being a parent!

My mum says the same things but i know for a fact that she found it incredibly, incredibly difficult. But she's got rose tinted nostalgia glasses on and the more she tells me how amazing having children is, the more shit i felt that i didnt recognise that. Once you let go of the idea of what parenting "should" be like you may find it easier.

But you know that any one of us would struggle with what you're having to put up with? It's not like you're particularly weak, or unable to cope. You're under a huge amount of pressure and your husband needs to pull his finger out and prioritise you instead of work.

Op I was here about 5 months ago, my then nearly 2 year old was just hideous, head butting, biting, throwing objects deliberately at me and daddy could do no wrong.
He’s 2y4m and is a completely different boy. He still tantrums but the anger he had has gone.
I don’t know what changed as nothing I tried was working, but he did stop. Hopefully it will soon cam down for you, you have my sympathies you really do.

@totallydonetoddlermum
Hi, I also have a toddler that's almost two.
A lot of what you're explaining does sound similar to my LG.
She plays me up something rotten. When dad is In work she demands and screams at me most of the day. Then when dad comes home turns into a little angel.
Sometimes I feel like I stress her out because everyone says she's an angel when I'm not there.
You're situation does sound quite severe. Ripping the patches of hair out must be heartbreaking for you...
I think it would be good for you to have some time apart. As in nursery and you going back to work.
I work part time and it really is a break for me!

@Quirrelsotherface

I wouldn't put up.with that behaviour for one minute. Have you tried time out, putting him on the step, taking him home if it happens away from home, park etc. I would even be tapping his hand at this stage. Are you consistent with the discipline? He is carrying on like this because he can. Dad also needs to be much stronger here, currently it sounds as if he is revelling in the fact your son prefers him. He needs to be harsh, this is not acceptable to be doing this to mummy etc. Your husband needs to discipline, do the time out etc.

How do you truly feel about parenting, are you tired? Do you feel resentful? Obviously you have every right to feel like that now but kids do pick up on things and I wonder if it's becoming a viscous circle for you both. You need some time on yourself to just breathe and get yourself together again.

You think 'tapping' a toddler (let's just call it smacking shall we which is what it is!) will stop them misbehaving and teach them it's not okay to hit? How ridiculous.

One of my children was massively difficult as a baby/toddler. It's like he's turned up to maximum for absolutely everything. Literally everything is a big deal with him and he threw a dozen tantrums a day or more. Constant attention seeking, never played with toys, argued about every little detail of the day. Fought and bit and hit. It was so exhausting.

In the end he grew up a bit and I also realised that he just really needs pretty much constant fresh air, exercise and interaction with his peers. Doing lovely toddler activities at home with mummy was just never enough for him. As soon as he went to school and found a group of loud, boisterous boys to run with he's been a different child. He's also obsessed with emulating his daddy. Father-son activities are his absolute favourite thing.

He's very 'street-smart' and ludicrously masculine even at 4 years old. It's like living with a miniature Vinnie Jones, he's hilarious. He's wonderful, but I've had to adjust my idea of what my child would be like. He's not overly cuddly and he knows his own mind. I have had to learn to respect that to a degree (obviously he's not allowed to do things that are dangerous etc).

My toddler is very similar and now gives me anxiety 😥. Terrible twos apparently, I have started to become abit more assertive as it's just draining, luckily she goes to nursery for a couple of mornings a week for a breather for us both. Feel very similar to you as I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this for without some kind of a breakdown. 🥵 I tell my mum and she's just like well you created her, I didn't intend to create this nightmare.

Your partner isn’t parenting. He’s a live in Disney dad and your son has learned if he screams loud enough and long enough disney dad turns up. Your partner and his complete lack of parenting or involvement is the cause of this