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Original poster

DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

204 replies

Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:21

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

OP posts:
User5726 · 28/01/2021 17:23

What an awful situation your in. I’m so sorry about your dh. Maybe get him to write a letter that you can give them after he passes away so they know it was his choice not tell them.

lilfoxfur · 28/01/2021 17:24

I would tell them.

That's probably not going to be the popular opinion but it's what I'd do.

I'm so sorry about your husband

BlueTimes · 28/01/2021 17:24

I’m sorry about your DH and no, I wouldn’t tell them - either now or after. Flowers

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:25

@lilfoxfur

I would tell them.

That's probably not going to be the popular opinion but it's what I'd do.

I'm so sorry about your husband

You'd tell them now, or after?
OP posts:
TreacleHart · 28/01/2021 17:25

I'm sorry your family is going through this.
Is your husband well enough to write a letter ? This could then be given to them once he has died of in the event that they hear of his passing and get in touch with you.

Santaiscovidfree · 28/01/2021 17:26

My dh is nc with his dps. In your shoes I would tell them after the funeral. Yanbu to not want /be expected to deal with them before that...

PinkyParrot · 28/01/2021 17:26

Don't tell them.
Tell them 6 months after.

Tal45 · 28/01/2021 17:27

I wouldn't tell them, they haven't been interested for the last 20 years. I also wouldn't tell them afterwards, why make your life difficult for people who didn't care when he was alive. You have enough on your plate without worrying about them IMO, I'd forget they exist and concentrate on you and your children. I'm so sorry for what you're going through xxx

Reinventinganna · 28/01/2021 17:28

I would respect his wishes and write to them after explaining that you did what you were asked and to not contact you.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

OldChinaJug · 28/01/2021 17:30

If more the dreadful advice to tell them!

Not only is your husband an adult and capable of expressing his own wishes, it is, quite simply, no one else's decision to make.

I went NC with my parent 10 years ago. I would feel utterly betrayed if someone told her I was dying. The only thing that has meant I could get through some of the most traumatic events in my life over recent years (bereavement of the other parent and divorce) was the parent having no involvement.

If I were dying, I simply would not want them to know. Nor to have to deal with their snide comments and remarks about it.

I wouldn't want them to be told at any point

It's quite literally none of their business.

Stinkyjellycat · 28/01/2021 17:30

Don’t tell them while your husband is alive - respect his wishes. This is his choice, not yours.

Has he said that he doesn’t want you to tell them after he’s gone? Please don’t do anything in the short term that adds more stress to you or your children while you are deep in grief.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 28/01/2021 17:30

I think the letter that can be given to them after his funeral would be best.
You certainlycan'ttellthem whileDH is alive againsthis wishes. Flowers

OldChinaJug · 28/01/2021 17:30

*ignore

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 28/01/2021 17:30

^sorry about spaces disappearing.

NiceTwin · 28/01/2021 17:32

Sorry about your husband.

I wouldn't tell them at all, even after he has died.

Are they likely to find out though? Or could they be ignorant to the fact for years to come?

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:32

@Tal45

I wouldn't tell them, they haven't been interested for the last 20 years. I also wouldn't tell them afterwards, why make your life difficult for people who didn't care when he was alive. You have enough on your plate without worrying about them IMO, I'd forget they exist and concentrate on you and your children. I'm so sorry for what you're going through xxx
They have periodically been in touch to tell DH how much all this is hurting them, although it was them who flounced initially. DH has always refused to resume contact because the final straw for him was when they tried to use DC, who were 1 & 3 at the time to manipulate him/us. For him, there was no coming back from that and he felt he couldn't trust them to be around DC without trying to poison their minds againsnt us. So it isn't that they haven't been interested, it's that they've been really horrible.
OP posts:
DNAwrangler · 28/01/2021 17:32

Are they likely to hear through mutual family members or friends, acquaintances? Could they hear and turn up to make a scene at his funeral?

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

LemonViolet · 28/01/2021 17:34

So sorry you are losing your DH, and this is an added dimension that is really difficult.

I think bottom line you absolutely have to respect what your DH wants, but, he should understand that you’re the one who is left with any fallout down the line. If they’re completely NC do you even know if they’re still alive? Talk it through with him, repeatedly if needed. Ultimately he can’t actually stop you once he’s gone (sorry if that sounds awful, I guess this is the benefit of asking internet strangers) - maybe after talking it through he’ll feel ok to leave it up to you.

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 28/01/2021 17:35

If you tell them before he passes, it might cause conflict and upset for your DH and you which you don't need at an already difficult time. Ask him to write a letter if he can for a later date. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

seepingweeping · 28/01/2021 17:35

I wouldn't tell them, ever.

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:36

@DNAwrangler

Are they likely to hear through mutual family members or friends, acquaintances? Could they hear and turn up to make a scene at his funeral?

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

He is friends with a niece on their side on FB, so yes they could get wind. They could already know, there have been lots of "thinking of you posts" although none specifically about his illness or prognosis.
OP posts:
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 28/01/2021 17:37

I absolutely would not tell them now. You snd your DH are vulnerable - don’t throw yourselves to the sharks and you know that’s what will happen if you tell)

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:39

We do know they're still alive. They send Christmas and birthday cards . It's laughable because for my birthday they seem to make a point of choosing a really naff card every year, but no one can say they didn't send one Grin

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 17:39

I think you need to respect his wishes and if you want to tell them after the funeral then do so then. I don't think it would be fair to him to involve them when he clearly wants to get away from them.

converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 17:39

Sorry to hear about him dying btw it must be awful for you.