DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

[Nopreservatives]

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

I expect if you tell them they will turn up and things wont be good. Please don't do this to your DH - this is time for you and the DC.

I expect if you tell them afterwards they will turn up to see if they can lay claim to any money, your house, whatever. In your mind write off whatever you think your DC might have gained in the future and just concentrate on the time remaining.

If DN is on Facebook, are you able to post something on that. I know someone who did that recently. They had terminal cancer and had reached the stage where treatment wasn't working. They had largely kept their illness private. The FB message was very much a case of letting people know, but also asking to be left alone with family. I think it was very well done.

But that would have the same fall out as letting them know more officially, only we wouldn't know for sure if they knew?

I went NC with my parent 10 years ago. I would feel utterly betrayed if someone told her I was dying.

This. 14 years ago for me. I’d be furious and betrayed if someone told them, directly or indirectly. He’s made his choice, you don’t need to tell them now or after he’s gone.

I’m sorry that he’s dying

I was i ICU 5 years ago and expected to die.

I live in Spain now and have been NC for 20 years. The UTTER hideousness of nurses and doctors trying to persuade me to let them contact my parents via the embassy was horrific. I couldn't even speak at the time, the stress of this was immense,

Absolutely horrific.

It would have been all about them. The absolute last thing I wiykd have wanted, ever.

Just because youu or others can't understand his decision to obe NC does not mean you can override this.

You MUST respect your DH's wishes, without question.

My DH died while being NC with his dad. The hour before he died, he changed his mind and asked me to call him. He didn't answer, they never got to speak. Heartbreak all round.

Try to persuade him to write to them if at all possible

sorry for typos. very rushed but feel so strongly about this.

They won’t change. What they will see is an opportunity to get their grandchildren on side and to make a huge drama about losing their son. Stay away for the sake of your children and your sanity.
Sorry you are having to cope with this. 💐

Don't tell them.
Drop the niece off SM
Any contact will give them a green light to charge back in and abuse you and your DCs. You will struggle to get rid of them again.
They are not normal-feeling people, everything will be all about them.

As regards inheritance, anything they might leave to your DH in a will, would pass on to his 'everything to' beneficiary (you?) surely?

Sorry you are going through this.

You need to respect his wishes. He's obviously come to terms with it and thought a lot about it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your husband. Parental drama aside - it can't be easy. Take care of yourself xx 💐

@Nopreservatives

Oh, I forgot. They attended our wedding but refused to speak to either of us all day, such was the level of their heartbreak.

How is it that every story about toxic parents always contains at least one detail that leaves me speechless - OP I'm so sorry that you and your DH have had to endure all of this.

I'm NC with my parents and the last thing I'd want if I was dying is for that to be broken.

Afterwards - I would try to stay NC with them, in your position. Let them yell and wail but just like you didn't have to see them when you husband was there, you don't have to see them when he isn't.

If he has any suggestions himself take your cues from him.

Wishing you all the best.

I am sorry about your husband
You say you can’t imagine how things could get so bad you wouldn’t speak to your family, unfortunately a lot of us can. This is purely about your DH wishes, whether you agree or not if he doesn’t want them contacted you should respect that. Of course you should tell them afterwards but if they give you a hard time then just ignore them

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here.

TBH I am always a bit at the number of people who, on a parenting site, are NC with their parents. This is surely an indication that in 20 or so years time many of the posters here will have children who are NC with them to the degree that they wouldn’t even want them to know they were dying.

20 years is a long time. If you’ve had nothing to say between you then there really is no way of knowing whether they’ve changed or not. And TBH while the way they were sounds crap, none of that IMO warrants going NC to the point you wouldn’t even want to tel them you were dying.

Obviously it’s your DH’s choice to tell them or not, but I wonder whether, if he has time, he could have some therapy to establish just how he now feels and why.

I do actually think that these people have a right to know that their child has died, even if they don’t know beforehand.

We’re all parents here. Can any of us really say that we wouldn’t be devastated if our children cut all contact and they died without us even knowing?

And while people say that they would never be that abusive, these things are subjective. What to one is tolerable is NC-worthy to another.

Don't go against his wishes while he is alive.

Actions have consequences and going completely NC with your family is a huge step to take. It sounds like he reconcilled several times and tried before making the final decision.

Speak to him about what you feel re his funeral and check you are on the same page. If he's well enough then the letter is a good thing for you to have to give them.

When he passes I would have someone with the job of informing them. You don't want the drama of them finding out and contacting you unexpectedly. Do you have a relative you can trust to do that?

It's very easy for people to comment that they have rights, but those rights don't trump your DH's. He has the right to have his decision respected.

@seepingweeping

I wouldn't tell them, ever.

Same. He doesn’t want a relationship with them, telling them is breaking that IMO.

I wouldn't suggest you watch it OP but at the end of the TV programme It's a sin, there's a devastating bit where people aren't told a loved one is dying until it's too late. I really hope your husband can do this for them, even though they don't necessarily deserve it, it will be the most devastating thing that will ever happen to them. And you all obviously. Again I am so sorry

I would respect my husbands decision.
Tell them after the funeral otherwise they may hijack your husbands last moments with his family.
You need not to think about and inheritance for your children, it will come at a cost. Why would they want a keepsake from someone they have no relationship with.

So sorry to hear about your DH, thoughts are with you and your children.

I'm so sorry about your DH OP.

You can't tell them now, they will turn up and be awful, make it all about them, and ruin the time you have left. Plus it's a massive breach of trust.

Your DH is dying, he has no control over that but can control who he sees and knows. Why are your even considering telling his abusive parents? I dont understand your thinking. Focus on your DH and not the drama that would be created by telling two people he doesnt want to see. My DH is dying and I have respected all his wishes and would never do something that would add untold stress at a time where there is enough.

i would not tell them now, especially as it is the DHs wishes, and I would not tell them after. If they can't be bothered with him alive then they can't be bothered with him after he is deceased.

@AlternativePerspective

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here.

TBH I am always a bit at the number of people who, on a parenting site, are NC with their parents. This is surely an indication that in 20 or so years time many of the posters here will have children who are NC with them to the degree that they wouldn’t even want them to know they were dying.

20 years is a long time. If you’ve had nothing to say between you then there really is no way of knowing whether they’ve changed or not. And TBH while the way they were sounds crap, none of that IMO warrants going NC to the point you wouldn’t even want to tel them you were dying.

Obviously it’s your DH’s choice to tell them or not, but I wonder whether, if he has time, he could have some therapy to establish just how he now feels and why.

I do actually think that these people have a right to know that their child has died, even if they don’t know beforehand.

We’re all parents here. Can any of us really say that we wouldn’t be devastated if our children cut all contact and they died without us even knowing?

And while people say that they would never be that abusive, these things are subjective. What to one is tolerable is NC-worthy to another.

20 years is a long time. If you’ve had nothing to say between you then there really is no way of knowing whether they’ve changed or not

It hasn't been 20 years of silence, though, has it? OP has said in response to another poster who asked that: They have periodically been in touch to tell DH how much all this is hurting them, although it was them who flounced initially. DH has always refused to resume contact because the final straw for him was when they tried to use DC, who were 1 & 3 at the time to manipulate him/us. For him, there was no coming back from that and he felt he couldn't trust them to be around DC without trying to poison their minds againsnt us. So it isn't that they haven't been interested, it's that they've been really horrible.

Obviously it’s your DH’s choice to tell them or not, but I wonder whether, if he has time, he could have some therapy to establish just how he now feels and why.

I am genuinely aghast that you think this is a remotely reasonable suggestion. What on earth makes you think he does not know HOW he feels and WHY? Such patronising arrogance.

We’re all parents here. Can any of us really say that we wouldn’t be devastated if our children cut all contact and they died without us even knowing?
As are OP and her DH: if as parents who know how devastating it would be to them to have a similar relationship with their children they still feel that NC is warranted, that only emphasises how serious they are about it.

And while people say that they would never be that abusive, these things are subjective. What to one is tolerable is NC-worthy to another.
The point is that his parents treatment of him, his wife and children is not tolerable to op's DH. That is what matters.

Yours is a genuinely appalling post.

@lilfoxfur

I would tell them.

That's probably not going to be the popular opinion but it's what I'd do.

I'm so sorry about your husband

I would do this too.

I am NC with my mum, based on my experience no one goes NC with a parent without very good reason. I wouldn’t want anyone to inform my mum. I know my DH wouldn’t dream of doing so. I would say respect his wishes & if you feel you want to tell them wait until after the funeral. Sorry you are in this awful situation OP.

I'm sorry you are in such an awful situation OP. In my opinion, you will feel very thankful afyer he has gone if you do respect his wishes now.

It seems to me that part of the problem is that you don't know if your DH wants yhem never to know or not. I don't know if I have misread your post there or not. If it is possible to ask him, perhaps it is this you need to know. Then, you could act in all confidence, before and after.

Another vote for not telling them before
May be leave it til after the funeral and write. Presumably the dc are adults now so can choose their own path.

PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM.

If I was dying, and DH told my parents, I'd want to kill myself. I'd be beyond devastated. It would literally be my WORST nightmare. Having my parents gloat that I'm dying. No thank you.

I'm so so sorry for you and your DH OP, but please, do as he asks. Poor man